<p>The opportunity to be near such forward-thinking people, many of whom are alumni of Stanford, makes it a very attractive location to earn an undergraduate education. </p>
<p>Does that make sense?</p>
<p>Yes, but make sure your audience knows what the “it” is referring to.</p>
<p>Grammatically yes but the idea that you’re trying to convey “I want to go to Stanford because all the awesome alumni from Stanford are in Silicon Valley and could give more internships and jobs and stuff” could IMO be put in a less convoluted and more straight forward way (more active!) like (change to put in your own voice of course, if your voice in the rest of the essay is in this same style ** dont change it**:</p>
<p>Stanford’s strategic location in the heart of Silicon Valley surrounded by innovative companies, many led by proud Stanford alumni, offers a wealth of opportunities that would enhance my Stanford experience.</p>
<p>You used 3 passive verb originally that distances you from your words (great for scientific third person papers not so good for a personal college essay).</p>
<p>I used 4 active, descriptive verbs that make the sentence more lively.</p>
<p>I’m not trying to be mean here (if you think I am, I don’t mean it!) I’m just explaining why IMO I think your sentence could be improved.</p>
<p>My two cents.</p>
<p>It’s a tough sentence to get through. agree with Hitman. I doubt admissions staff will read a sentence multiple times to make sure they understand it. Don’t give readers an easy excuse to not like you/what you’re saying.</p>
<p>It kinda makes sense, but if i were you I would move Stanford around to replace “it”</p>
<p>The opportunity to be near such forward-thinking people, many of whom are alumni, makes Stanford a very attractive location to earn an undergraduate education. </p>
<p>Kinda? idk</p>