<p>My DD is starting high school in the fall. I have helped her map out her high school courses for the next 4 years, with the dual purpose of getting the best education she can get at our very large public as well as putting herself in the best position to obtain a full ride to college. I have already advised her that it is her obligation to pay for college through scholarships and will not be contributing. Some of my friends think I am being unfair. I don't think so. </p>
<p>Background: I am a very young single mom (was a teen mom). DD's dad will not likely contribute to her college education, and she will not likely qualify for financial aid due to my income and assets. While it would be painful, I could pay the sticker price at the most expensive universities by skipping my 401k contributions for the 4 years that she is in college, skipping my investment contributions, cutting back on expenses (we already live pretty frugally), and if needed, dipping into savings. However, my goal has always been to retire early from my high stress, high income job to pursue other interests I have not been able to pursue due to raising DD. For example, I want to travel extensively, live in Asia for a couple of years, and ultimately spend the rest of my working life in a low pay, high personal satisfaction field. All of these things require that I save as much as possible. </p>
<p>My degrees are from 2 very prestigious schools (both top 5). My friends think its wrong for me to deny DD the same. However, while I got an excellent education, I don't think it was because of those schools. I strongly believe that DD can get a great education practically anywhere. I have been following the threads on here and think quite a few of the auto full ride schools would be great fits, and there are lots of competitive full rides. Furthermore, DD has no desire to go to my alma maters. In fact, she has already stated that she doesn't want to attend an Ivy and wants to be at a big powerhouse athletics school (she loves football). </p>
<p>So, am I being unfair? DD is fully capable of getting a full ride somewhere. She is very bright (one of those never studies kids), tests very well (already scored high on the SAT), is talented in several areas (including multiple sports), and is hooked (URM). But she is not one of those driven kids (which is why she doesn't want to go to an Ivy). I expect she'll stick to her main sport, dabble in the others, continue with orchestra, 1 or 2 clubs outside of that, and some volunteer work.</p>
<p>Obviously it’s up to you whether or not you want to pay for your D’s college, but be aware that colleges and the US government will be expecting you to help, and from what you’ve said, your D will not be eligible for need-based aid because of your income and assets. This will really limit her choices and place a great deal of (possibly counterproductive) pressure upon her. I can see why she might feel like she’s having to pay a penalty for your success and wishes. Why not try to be a little more flexible? It’s fine to encourage her to strategize and apply for full rides, but if these do not come through, will you be willing to just cut her off financially? What can you actually pay?</p>
<p>Top 5 five schools are much more difficult to get into than they were 14 years ago so the point may be moot. But assuming your daughter has the ability and that she can gain entrance, refusing to help her pay sounds pretty selfish to me.</p>
<p>She’s in 8th grade. She hasn’t a clue who she will be as yet IMO.</p>
<p>I don’t think your argument is unsound (as I agree you can get a great education in a lot of places and if you’ve been reading the threads, you know none of it is cheap). However, the title of the thread is Don’t Want to Pay for College. Not exactly a pay it forward mentality. There is a very big difference between denying someone access to an Ivy (of which their child has no aspiration to attend) and requiring a free ride for them to go at all.</p>
<p>One last thing: Be careful to not underestimate your child. As much as she doesn’t yet know who she will be, you probably know even less.</p>
<p>When we had children, we also agreed that we would fund college for them. We had the income to do so, and we did.</p>
<p>I understand that you have things you would like to do with your life. Only YOU can decide if your own needs should take precedence over helping your daughter attain a college degree.</p>
<p>Also, there are many options in between paying NOTHING and paying the FULL COST of an expensive private school.</p>
<p>I guess I would not be viewing this as an all or nothing thing.</p>
<p>What you do with your money is your business. But since you asked I will point out two facts that jump out on the page: 1- there is a big gap between “I won’t pay sticker price at a an Ivy” and asking your D to be fully self-supporting. You could agree to contribute something that you can afford without skipping your 401K contributions, for example.
2- there are some kids who win the lottery on merit aid/competitive full rides. But from what I have observed, you need to be exceptionally lucky (not just competitive for those scholarships-- you can be invited to a scholarship weekend and have a cold, have jet lag or whatnot and just not get the big bucks even though you were clearly in the running.) So you are banking on a whole lotta luck. Or, you end up with your kid at a school which is not a good fit, other than the fact that she was in the 99 or 98 percentile of applicants so got the big money… but the school isn’t in a location she wants or doesn’t have the program she wants, or whatever. But at least it’s free.</p>
<p>From what I have observed of friends and family, you do your D a favor by meeting her partway and figuring out what you can realistically afford which is likely to be a number greater than zero. That gives her many more options if she doesn’t get the big win.</p>
<p>There are many fantastic merit awards at schools where the parental contribution is still a not insignificant number (but clearly less than full pay.) Do you tell her not to even bother to look at those schools? Do you tell her that the military academies are off the table even though they fit your criteria of free? Do you tell her not to apply to ROTC?</p>
<p>Just make sure you don’t box yourselves into a corner with a sub-optimal outcome. Presumably you’d like your D to get a great education just like you did. And if you both get lucky, that could happen for free. Or with a little movement… near free. Or not free but a darn good value. etc. And since you posted URM- be aware that a school which may want her very much- and be willing to pay for it-- may in fact be a school where she is one of few representing her race or ethnicity, hence the school’s interest in “buying” her. Which is a great experience for some kids, and a highly alienating one for others. But you are so early in the process to already be staking out your position!</p>
<p>It is your choice about whether or not to help your D w/ college- I have a hard time understanding your position but that is irrelevant. As others have said, your D is young and it is hard to predict where she will be in 4 years. I can tell you that since my oldest (twins) went to college 12 years ago, it is a whole different ball game-MUCH harder now to get a full ride. I do agree that there are many options besides Ivies for a good education , but admissions and scholarships have become astronomically more competitive than when you went to school. Your stance may end up affecting your future relationship with your D so be prepared. Nothing wrong with expecting her to contribute, but it sounds as if you are in a position to help out.</p>
<p>Agree with other posters who say that there is a whole area in between paying nothing and completely funding.</p>
<p>We expect our kids to pay for their own college too. I won’t give up my retirement fund to do so. I expect them to work hard, get scholarships, get jobs, get loans, whatever they have to do to get that education.</p>
<p>NOW, all that being said - I am their MOM. I am here for them, I am their biggest fan, I support them, and I am happy to HELP within reason. I will not let them starve, I will make sure that they have what they NEED. They don’t need to go to an Ivy. The state flagship is fine. I help them find scholarships, I help them fill out forms, I take them on campus tours and I provide money over and above what they can pull together - usually no more than $1000/semester.</p>
<p>If your D can get a full ride and doesn’t want to attend an Ivy, I’m not sure what the argument is. But I also second others that you should not overestimate her ability to get a full ride. There are a lot of VERY bright kids in flagship universities with VERY high test scores and lots of ECs and very little scholarship money. I happen to have one.</p>
You and only you have the right to decide what you want to do with your hard earn money.
You don’t owe anyone, not even your DD, a college education.
Life is not fair. Everyone needs to learn to deal with that fact.</p>
<p>Having said all that, your daughter is still young. A lot can change between now and years later. Perhaps you can keep an open mind and be flexible about what you want in your life vs how you can best help your daughter.</p>
<p>Others have addressed what you feel you want to do. I’m not going to add my personal opinions. But do read the threads in the archives written by Momfromtexas and also look at the guaranteed scholarship threads, some that offer full rides. Also your DD does not have to go directly to college, but can find a job and take inexpensive courses at local centers and ccs, getting training that can put her into position for a living wage. Or she can join the military. There are a number of choices out there. She can the pay for college a course at a time for a BA degree is she so chooses as she works full time which is the way most of college goers are doing.</p>
<p>It just depends on what she wants to major in. You can’t do the “course at a time” thing with all majors.</p>
<p>Not sure this 13 year old knows what she wants to major in when she goes to college yet. She’s probably still working on her high school schedule for next year.</p>
<p>It is your money and you have the right to do what you will with it. That being said, decisions have consequences. interesting point on another thread- kids might have similar train of thought when it is their turn to support you.</p>
<p>Ok…let’s say this poster really was a teen mom…and now has an eighth grader. If she was 19 when she had that baby…and the kiddo is now 13, that would make mom 32 years old. In 8 years…(when the kid would be completing college) the mom would be about 40. </p>
<p>Just how EARLY does this “teen mom” plan to retire?</p>
<p>I would figure out how much money I can pay for college each year and still put money away for my retirement. I would not retire early so that I can move away and fulfill my dream, but that’s just me. I can’t afford to pay full sticker price for a private school, but I still have every intention of paying for college. Between merit aid and in- state options there are plenty of schools that are available. I certainly understand telling your child that you will pay up to a certain amount and they have to pay the rest, but I don’t understand paying nothing if you can afford to. That seems cruel to me.</p>
;)</p>