<p>I've witnessed many parents get eaten up inside with jealousy when their S or D isn't the "best" at something, that I thought it might be helpful if those of you with brilliant or exceptionally talented children would give some insights into the downsides of such success. Be careful of what you wish for your children!</p>
<p>I'll start:</p>
<p>--if a child is "at the top", there will always be people who are openly or secretly desirous of seeing him fail. Others will expect and accept nothing but continued, progressive success from him, which is a heavy burden that can stress the student.
--teachers and coaches will expect such a child to be a good role model at all times, regardless of whether his age or experience warrants that expectation.</p>
<p>Parent gets an overinflated view of both the kid and him/herself.</p>
<p>"--if a child is "at the top", there will always be people who are openly or secretly desirous of seeing him fail"</p>
<p>People don't. They don't care about others. They care about themselves.</p>
<p>"--teachers and coaches will expect such a child to be a good role model at all times, regardless of whether his age or experience warrants that expectation."</p>
<p>No, they don't. They would like the kid to be a good role model. They would like all the kids to be good role models. Makes life easier.</p>
<p>When you think parents are watching your kid and thinking how great your kid is, what they are actually doing is watching their own kid.</p>
<p>""--if a child is "at the top", there will always be people who are openly or secretly desirous of seeing him fail"</p>
<p>People don't. They don't care about others. They care about themselves."</p>
<p>I disagree with that from firsthand experience with my daughter. Is it the norm? I dont' think so, but it does happen. I've posted here frequently about the mother who is obsessed with my daughter to the point that she is consumed with envy. I think that in our competitive world, many very successful/talented kids will have to deal with someone else's envy.</p>
<p>Maybe, you're obsessed with the mother, who you think is obsessed with your kid. ;)</p>
<p>One of the biggest downsides to being an exceptional student, musician or athlete is it takes time to accomplish these things. This means less time to forge relationships, do other things, understand yourself, loaf. The trade-off may be worth it. Depends on the person.</p>
<p>I think it depends on what the child is good at and the perceived attitude of the child. People tend to like kids who don't seem to think too highly or themselves or their achievements. Let a little cockiness or arrogance into the picture, though, and yes, people will be desirous of having the kid fail, to teach a lesson, put him in his place. Happens all the time. I've seen it lots of times. Seem to be experiencing it right now. In fact another parent asked me last night if I knew how much trash talking was going on about my daughter (lead in the school play). I told her I didn't want to know, at least not right now -- trying to keep a positive attitude and ignore the ill wishers until the play is over.</p>
<p>I have a single complaint: it's terribly hard to find a good environment for a talented kid and to satisfy his/her educational needs. The rest does not matter.</p>
<p>Well, I think our kid is pretty smart - not sure if I'd go with exceptional or brilliant. He did VERY well academically, aced the standardized tests, competed at a high level in his chosen sport and worked hard to make it to eagle scout. Downside? Lots of the kids at his school and their parents thought he should go for Ivy or at least top 25. This is a very status driven area. He resisted the pressure but he did apply to one lower Ivy - and got rejected. Ended up going to his well respected state U in the honors program and is very happy. But kids at his school would say " thought you would do better" and parents have come right out and asked us why we "settled" with a state school. We've learned to ignore this but it's still very annoying. We're very proud of our son - and are thrilled that he's happy. In this area though, high achievements go hand-in-hand with VERY high expectations. Not always a healthy scenario...</p>
<p>dstark's last post (#4) expresses my thoughts.</p>
<p>When your child is at the top (especially in all three categories mentioned by the OP) he or she may not have time to play with the family dog, help a younger brother with homework, cook a meal for the family, make up a silly dance, etc...</p>
<p>Well, dstark, apparently some people are even threatened by the anonymous success of an online stranger's child and feel the need to hurl an insult. Edit: written before you posted a second, nicer post.</p>
<p>Yes, precisely because some people only care about themselves and their children, they lack the generosity of spirit to be happy (or at least not angry) about someone else's success. They view the world as a pie with limited pieces, such that if someone else's child takes a piece, that will be one less piece available to their child.</p>
<p>Once when I was working at the snack shack for a football game, a parent I knew came to the counter. I said, "Hi John, what would you like?" John said,
"What I would like is for your kid to be in the newspaper less, and mine in more." The funny thing is that our children aren't even in the same sports or activities and yet he still felt his child was diminished somehow.</p>
<p>"Maybe, you're obsessed with the mother, who you think is obsessed with your kid. "</p>
<p>I'm thinking no, since she physically attacked my husband and some other very, very bizarre behavior (I've posted about this before), some of which merited action by the school independent of me. They thought I didn't know and called us in to express their concern for daughter's safety (this is the younger daughter, by the way).</p>
<p>Here's another downside:
If the child experiences the side effects of envy, the assumption is that he must have deserved it due to being arrogant or conceited.</p>
<p>Why should somebody else care? Why should a person be generous or not generous. They have their own lives. Just like you. They care about their own lives.</p>
<p>When you watch a sport that your kid participates in, where are your eyes? Next time, look around you and see where the other parents' eyes are.</p>
<p>Parents of children who are not brilliant or talented may be disappointed, as well as most likely worried about how their children will fare in today's very competitive world.</p>
<p>It's not surprising that this disappointment and worry may ooze your way sometimes.</p>
<p>The downside to having talented kids seems small compared to the upside.</p>
<p>Good question. Why should they care? They should focus only on their own child's well-being and happiness. Regrettably, though, some folks think someone else's kid is standing in the way of their child's well-being or happiness. This happens where limited spots are open, such as on a sports team or advanced musical group. Consider the Texas cheerleader murder.</p>
<p>Unless your kid is competeing in the olympics, graduated college at age 12, or is headlining with the likes of Yo Yo Ma there are lots of other kids just as great. The downside is not realizing this before you make a mockery of yourself.</p>
<p>I'm feeling attacked here. It seems some of you are implying that I wrongly think my kid is all that. Not true. In line with Sax's comment above, if you are knowledgeable about the field of endeavor you will be able to have an accurate perspective of where your kid fits in the big picture on a state-wide and national level. Not everyone who reads the local newspaper has that perspective, though.</p>
<p>I wanted this thread to raise awareness of the pressures the child feels, not get into parent-bashing.</p>
<ul>
<li><p>fear of success ... after acheiving somehing great feeling that anything less is not good enough ... this pressure can come from the individual or externally</p></li>
<li><p>your failures an be more visible and public ... and most people do not like to fail publically</p></li>
<li><p>expectation that someone super at one thing has it made ... just because someone is a great athlete or musician or scientist does't mean they don't haev all the typical insecurities and maturation issues of any other teenager.</p></li>
<li><p>some people hold them responsibile for a bigger group's success ... my blood boiled hearing a parent say "we would have won if Joe (fake name) had played better" ... Joe is my son's friend and had just scored 38 of 40 points, probably grabbed 25 of 30 rebounds, and been the only guy who played decent D ... but he was the star and apparently didn't do enough to carry his teammates who can't play a lick.</p></li>
</ul>
<p>Everyone's life is journey ... full of high points and low points unknown to anyone other than the person (and those to which they confide).</p>
<p>TheGFG, there are a lot of nut cases out there. People like zoosermom described. The comment the guy made about the newspaper stuff was uncalled for, but why dwell on that? Most people aren't like that.</p>
<p>Your kid's achievements are not diminished by the reactions of a few other people. The achievements stand on their own.</p>
<p>There are a lot of people that like to judge based on the worst aspects of something (or what they perceive to be the worst). Somebody laughs funny. Somebody is a poor speller. Reggie Jackson struck out too much. Dan Marino didn't win the Super Bowl. Maradona is fat. There are too many average students at a school for the school to be worthwhile going to. (This is an educational board. :)) Instead of dwelling on the negatives, focus on the positives. </p>