Dream College! Or is it...

Paying for College
1

<p>All year, I have been working countless hours writing college essays, submitting college applications, and searching for scholarships. I, along with many students, have felt the pressure to go to the best colleges offered. Luckily for me, I have been accepted to my #1 university through Early Decision, which means that I am bound to attend this college regardless of the application status of other schools. I, before hand, explained to my parents what it means to be accepted to college through early decision, and they seemed to understand. However, they are now trying to convince me to attend another university because they do not want me to live on campus. My early decision school is about 45 minutes away, and my parents want me to commute. This university is a very selective, and I do not want to risk losing valuable time for studies and other activities because I have to be commuting back and forth.</p>

<p>I was awarded great financial aid, and I only have to pay around my EFC (2,500) without taking any loans. This financial package is given with on campus housing, and many institutional scholarships, that I am afraid I might lose if I chose to become a commuter student. I have tried many times to explain the financial situation, and how they will not have to worry about taking out loans, but they keep on refusing to be understand, which leads me to the conclusion that they will not be helping me pay for college (They have been hinting this for a while)</p>

<p>My parents are very religious, and often times, use some sort of religious excuse for me not to dorm because I could "loose my faith" or "do bad things because of no supervision". I do not think that I have done anything in my entire life to make them distrust me. However, they claim that I am untrustworthy or irresponsible, and that I can not handle life on my own.</p>

<p>I don't know what to do. My mind is split. A smaller half of me wants to take the secure path with living at home and relying on my parents. But my larger half is telling me to shoot for my dreams regardless of what anyone tells me, since I have worked my whole life for such a great opportunity. </p>

<p>Does anyone have some advice for what I should do? The choice may seem obvious to some, but my mind is in disarray.</p>

<p>Thanks!</p>

2

<p>Have you shown them the document they signed and reminded them that the only acceptable reason to back out of an ED acceptance is because the financial aid is not sufficient? They made a commitment (which also should count for something in your religion, I hope…). You could also ask your high school guidance counselor to speak to them and remind them that they signed off on the ED application. It can damage your high school’s reputation with the college if you don’t attend after being accepted ED with great financial aid.</p>

<p>As long as your parents continue to fill out the financial aid forms (FAFSA, CSS if required), you can get your financial aid, and should be able to earn that fairly small EFC through summer work and maybe a part time job on campus. </p>

3

<p>Do you have a backup school with an automatic full ride merit scholarship where you will not have to depend on your parents’ money or cooperation on financial aid forms? They have absolute power over your college choice otherwise.</p>

4

<p>I see that no one has responded, so I will jump in with what may or may not be of help to you.</p>

<p>Yes, this is a tough situation. Most folks would be extremely grateful to have this incredible opportunity. I’m sure you worked hard to get this, and now your parents are pulling you back home. Just hearing your side of the story, it doesn’t seem fair.</p>

<p>What has your college admission process been like for you and your family? Were your parents originally supportive of you going away to college? Did they just go along with your choices thinking it was such a slim chance that you could get in? What expectations have your parents set for you through your childhood about college? Are you the oldest child (or only child) ? Are you dealing with a whole culture that tries to keep their children protected under the parents’ wings, or is this simply one family’s religious view?</p>

<p>You have certain rules under ED that tie you to this school. And oftentimes they do require you to live on campus to receive all your scholarships. So, if you commute you could lose the very money that would allow you to afford to go there. Would your parents forbid you to move to campus if it meant you couldn’t go to this college at all? And possibly not attend any college, depending on their ED rules.</p>

<p>Call your school asap and find out for sure what the rules are, if you are required to live on campus to be able to receive all your scholarship money. Check into whether or not you can borrow the money you need for this first year if your parents choose not to support you. (Yes, you’ll have to deal with FAFSA in future years, but that’s on down the road and hopefully they will come around by then.)</p>

<p>I will just trust that you are telling the truth, that you haven’t lied to your parents in the past, you haven’t skipped church to hang with friends, and that you are a good kid all around. Even so, it is scary for parents to let go. (I just sent my first child off to college this year, so I know how it feels.) </p>

<p>Do you have any trusted relatives or dear friends of the family, a pastor or counselor that could speak to your parents on your behalf? Maybe a compromise on how often you will call or visit, church attendance, etc. would bring them a bit of comfort.</p>

<p>At some point in your life, you will have to decide to be independent. You can’t live your entire life hanging onto your parents’ faith. You will have to decide whether or not to make that faith your own, or to walk away. Knowing that college is a time of meeting new people, being introduced to new and different ideas, can be scary for parents. Be gentle with them, but don’t sugarcoat that they want to jeopardize your big chance for your entire future.</p>

<p>It seems overwhelming at the moment, but breathe deeply, gather your facts, and be sure to let your parents know how much you love and appreciate them. It’s possible that over the next few months you can ease them into being more supportive of your college.</p>

<p>Best of luck to you!</p>

5

<p>Your parents just don’t understand. Don’t give in. … You will be giving up the opportunity of a lifetime. Your parents may be disappointed but they’ll get over it. Go with your plan so you don’t have regrets the rest of your life. </p>

6

<p>You’ve already submitted the FA paperwork, so call the school and tell them that you need to take a Fed Direct Loan to cover the EFC (since you didn’t get any loans in your pkg). You really don’t need your parents permission to go at this point. Don’t piss them off, though. They might not do the FA paperwork for next year.</p>

<p>Does your school REQUIRE frosh to live on campus? If so, then use that as an excuse. </p>

7

<p>Desie…this student needs to be SURE that her parents will complete the financial aid application forms for the OTHER three years of her undergrad school. Without the need based aid she is receiving, she will NOT be able to continue to attend this college.</p>

<p>To the OP, is there any chance you have another family member or perhaps another trusted adult who can discuss this with your parents.</p>

<p>If you were accepted ED and accepted the offer of admission, you should not HAVE any other pending applications or acceptances to other schools. You were supposed to withdraw those as part of your ED agreement.</p>

8

<p>I think you need to ask the admissions officer at your dream school for help. This is a religious and maybe cultural issue that they have likely faced before. </p>

<p>You don’t mention your religion. But most religions have a small place of worship or clergy person affiliated with a college campus. Ask your admissions officer who yours is, and if they can help ease your parents’ worries. Could the religious clergy person meet with you all and perhaps introduce them to some students of your faith? Sometimes it is fear of the unknown. Also,ask the admissions if there is a single-gender dorm, if that would help (don’t bring this up to your folks until you find out if it is even an option). </p>

9

<p>I think you should keep trying for the ED school with that great offer and use the ED papers and your GC as suggested to explain to your parents that was a binding decision. Also that you are very lucky to get such an offer where they only have to pay little (or if they won’t, then nothing since you can take that small amount in Federal Direct Loans, which is quite reasonable thing to do.) Why didn’t you withdraw from all other colleges yet? You need to find a deal for your parents. Perhaps since you are so close to home, you can promise to attend to them 2 weekends a month and attend religious ceremonies or something of that sort. Really only 45 minutes away should be reassuring to them. College has support systems, it is not like living alone. </p>

10

<p>What do you feel about your religion? Is it something you would like to continue?
If yes, I would ask if there is a clergy person of your religion on campus? is there a church/temple/mosque nearby?
Can you visit that with your parents? Is there housing related to your religion? Is there clubs?
I would investigate that and let your parents know you want to be religious and this is how you are going to do it…that you want to gain some independence, but you are not giving up your religion.</p>

11

<p>Of course, I don’t know your parents, but if they are like other religious parents I know (as well as non-religious parents), it is not you they do not trust - it is the world out there. And, frankly, they have good reasons to be concerned. So just try to have some compassion on them, and don’t get offended by the thought that they may not trust you and don’t worry whether you have done something wrong - you have not. Giving you up to your adulthood is hard for parents, and when you add in their concerns for your soul, well, it is really really hard.</p>

<p>I do think you need to move away from home and take advantage of your opportunities. Commuting back and forth 45 minutes each way is going to be difficult, and you have been given opportunities not to have to do that. Try to think of some ways to assuage your parents’ fears. If you are involved in a local church, go find one in your new home, and take your parents and you might be able to ease their concerns. Take your mom and dad out for coffee and try to have an open conversation with them so they can express their fears, and you all can have a good, heart-to-heart talk. None of that may help them (hope it would), but you would have done your best. Beyond that, you just have to take the reigns of your own life and it sounds like you will have the ability to do that with your scholarships, etc.</p>

<p>Best of luck.</p>

12

<p>I had a very very similar experience in high school. My parents were very religious and refused, basically, to pay for college unless I lived at home and commuted. They were taught that college residence halls were dens of debauchery and sin and that I would lose my faith if I lived on campus. Mind you the campus was a women’s college that didn’t even allow men on campus after midnight. Also mind you that I had already “lost my faith” about two years before any of this happened. (My parents are members of a small Christian sect that has been described as a cult by some, and trust me, there were no clergy members on campus and to my knowledge no other students who were members of it.)</p>

<p>Anyway, I was lucky enough to have earned a full merit scholarship, so I attended and never looked back. I am so happy I did, as I really enjoyed living on campus (it’s a great experience if one can afford it) and I grew and changed so much during my time there. With my parents’ faith, if I had stayed at home they would’ve imposed some ridiculous rules on me (this is a sect in which you are NOT allowed to have close friends outside of the sect itself. I was never allowed to go over my HS friends’ houses or celebrate birthdays and holidays with them) and there’s no way I would’ve been able to participate in the campus culture the way I did. Also, as I said, I was no longer in the faith from about the age of 16 and a precondition to living at home would’ve been attending their church services 3 times a week, which was a noxious idea given that I no longer believed and/or wanted to go to their services.</p>

<p>However, whether this is a concern for you really depends upon your parents’ religion and how restrictive it is, as well as whether you still believe yourself.</p>

<p>Interestingly, I have had conversations with my parents after the fact (I graduated in 2008). Although neither of them was particularly happy with my decision at the time, both of them have had nothing but positive things to say about the impact of college and living in the residence halls on me. My mother explicitly told me that she thought living on campus had made me grow into an independent, self-assured person and was glad that I had the experience. My father - the most opposed - said the same thing, saying that my undergraduate college had transformed me into a “lady”, whatever that means. They were also both very happy when I started my PhD at Columbia.</p>

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<p>This is true, but if you are savvy and have the right support there are ways to do it. You do need to be able to complete the financial aid forms for the other three years that you are in school, but your parents don’t have to do it - you can complete them yourself. I had the good foresight (?) to memorize my parents’ social security numbers before I left home and I completed the FAFSA independently of them using estimates of their income (neither of them had changed jobs or gotten significant raises in the four years I was in school, and we did not have significant assets. We were a pretty typical working-class family). With the new income tax transfer thingie this will be even easier for you if you do know their SSNs. I also had a pretty amazing financial aid counselor who understood my situation and helped me waive verification every year so I didn’t have to fight with my parents to obtain W-2s and income tax returns from them.</p>

13

<p>“They were taught that college residence halls were dens of debauchery and sin” <== To be honest, they very much are.</p>

<p>-17 yo who has done a dozen visitations in addition being on dorms of six schools with college friends and cousins</p>

14

<p>@edison96, that’s different from school to school. I visited my sister’s school last year and spent a weekend in the dorms. I can honestly say that it was not a den of debauchery and sin. The dorm didn’t allow profanity, alcohol, visitation from the opposite gender, or anything that could even tempt what many religions consider sinful. And there were punishments if these rules were broken. It depends on what school you’re seeing.</p>

15

<p>I think that you should go to the school. I don’t have a long list of reasons and advice for you, but I do know that you have to do what feels right, and if going to the school and living on campus feels right, you should do it.</p>

16

<p>I don’t think you have a strong reason to be withdrawn from the ED. Remember it is binding except for financial situation. In your case, the $2500 EFC is hardly a burden that cannot be overcome. On the other hand, to commute or not, it is depending on you. If you choose to commute, you may loose some financial aid, but you may keep the dorm room and still commute most of the time. When you have a group project or something that runs late, you will then have the option to stay in the dorm. It would be a compromise between you and your parents.</p>

17

<p>It seems to me that there was a very important factor NOT discussed when you applied to this college ED, which is where you would live. </p>

<p>You can call the college and say that your parents insist you live at home, something that was not understood when you made the application. My guess is that the school would allow you to commute there and that you would just not receive the room and board part of your award, or some other adjustment. That to me would be a solution. Or you can keep the dorm room but commute, as Billsho brings up, and just use it when you can. </p>

18

<p>Nicole, I’ve visited most of the Ivies, UChicago and half of the BIG10. They’re all the same. Binge drinking, narcotics, (often unprotected) sex, and sketchy townies hanging around. Let’s not make college out to be some glorious enclave of pure erudite pursuits, it’s far from it.</p>

19

<p>Edison96, Those schools are only a handful of all of the colleges/universities out there. Not to mention, almost all of the schools you have “visited” have substance free dorms, single gender dorms, or wellness housing. </p>

<p>To be blunt, every college is different. Residential life at every college is what you choose to make of it.</p>

<p>OP, you can most likely cover your EFC with a job, on campus or off campus. If your parents refuse to pay, it’s likely you can afford this college on your own as a last resort. Good luck!</p>