Dying for a critique... Pretty Please!!!

<p>Well, the first try got nothing... I hope it wasn't so terrible as to leave people speechless. Let's try again. I'm posting it directly on here cause it's so personalised, the idea of anyone stealing any part of it is absurd. I chose the first question on the commonapp, "Evaluate a significant experience, achievement, risk you have taken, or ethical dilemma you have faced and its impact on you."</p>

<p>I’m keeping a keen eye out for any possible opportunity. Someone knocks; before Miss Swope is halfway to the door I’m at the chalkboard, two seconds later I’m back in my seat, a silky pile of chalk dust cupped in each hand. Miss Swope returns to the equation on the board; I can do it backwards, blindfolded. She knows it. I completed every assignment in the textbook before the first quarter was over, following no rules but my own, delighting in the author’s misinterpretation of textbook as puzzle book. If only he had written all my textbooks. I ignore the squeaking chalk, grinning a secret grin while I rub my palms together, as Miss Swope continues her droning explanation of each minute, unnecessary step. She turns back to the board – I strike. The boy in front of me yelps as I giggle at my handiwork on the back of his navy sweater. Miss Swope says my name, instinctively, sternly. I catch Rose’s eye, point to the tray at the bottom of the board, and before Miss Swope has reached the phone we’ve covered each other in powder. I do a last little dance out the door as I follow Miss Swope’s directions to the office, but I still catch the smile trying to peek out from behind her stern teacher face. This is why I haven’t been asked to follow any stupid algebraic steps; this is why I already have my A+. Rose doesn’t follow me; Miss Swope knows she only gets up to trouble when I get her into it. It’s only silliness, anyhow. It’s not like they’re putting me in the back of a police cruiser again. That was much more fun than chalk dust.</p>

<pre><code>Drama, excitement was my single-minded purpose then, mischief and distraction. A few months later I would have all the drama I could ever have wanted; short of committing murder, what more drama could a sixteen-year-old girl ask for? But I never stopped to think that getting pregnant would so abruptly put an end to all my fun. Then again, I never stopped to think about anything at all. Now that was no longer an option. Suddenly there was everything to think about, suddenly life became serious. But it wasn’t necessity that sobered me; more like possession. One night I went to sleep, a trouble-making, drama-seeking, completely aimless teenager. The next morning I woke up, a Mom. It’s the sort of thing you read in cheesy novels, not something you think is possible in real, true life. Maybe it was just the hormones; I still get a little mischievous sometimes. Then again, it’s usually my nine-year-old who starts it.

If you ask him, he’ll tell you; he saved his mom’s life. Mom wouldn’t even have made it through high school if it hadn’t been for him. Not that the majority of the girls at Cyesis didn’t drop out regardless of the fact that a high school had been built just for them, complete with attached daycares and parenting classes. And I thought my government class was trying. Isn’t parenting supposed to be instinctual? While I did go back to school to complete my high school diploma, and even managed to stay out of trouble, my grades never did quite catch up to my IQ. Through elementary and middle school, I routinely scored ninety-nine percentiles in nearly all subjects on periodic achievement tests, but from kindergarten to 12th grade I achieved honor roll only twice, usually hovering around a C average. The Cs themselves, though, were nothing to the constant disappointment my parents and teachers expressed in me. But once again my son would prove to be the answer to my problems.

Dylan was a happy, lively, curious baby, who smiled and laughed and rolled over and walked far before other infants his age did, and he still has the scars to prove it. It was obvious before he had reached the age of two that in this age of learning disabilities, Dylan wouldn’t last more than a few months in kindergarten before teachers affixed that now-popular new label on him; ADHD. Not that I was too old to have known a few of those ADHD kids when I was in school; one of them even convinced me that I was similarly afflicted. But my father didn’t believe in psychiatric ‘illness’, and my mother had had, as she told me when I brought it up, enough of my excuses. But my five-year-old son, struggling horribly after only a few months of kindergarten, was another matter entirely. It wasn’t long before I’d learned enough about ADHD to teach his various doctors a thing or two, and it hadn’t escaped me, in reading descriptions of little girls and the differing symptoms they exhibited of this ‘disability’, that what my mother had once called just another excuse had likely been anything but. Children often provide a better surface for self-reflection than even the finest mirror.

Today, Dylan still struggles with his unique personality and learning style, as I prefer to think of it, but he does so at an exceptional gifted school that admits only those students who have proven their intelligence through grades and IQ and academic tests. Had no one intervened when he began struggling in kindergarten he likely would have ended up at a school quite the opposite. And in his success lies my own. As I learned how to help him learn, I gained those same skills myself. Everything there is to know, we learn together, and improve together. Long ago I gave up on the idea of ever doing my intellect justice, and tossed aside any motivations to that respect for fear of failure. Now, inspired by my son’s achievements, and enriched by the new self awareness I have gained because of him, I am convinced of my ability to try again where I once gave up, and this time succeed. Beyond helping me with my homework, there’s no telling how my son might redeem me next.
</code></pre>

<p>I'm applying to New College in Sarasota.</p>

<p>Not only touching, but exquisitely crafted. Change nothing and pay no heed to naysaying bad writers who tell you otherwise. Thank you for letting us read this.</p>

<p>Very, very good.</p>

<p>omg thank you both, I felt really good when I finished writing it but after posting it on here and on myspace, and even sending out a request on myspace for critiques and getting nothing at all... I was starting to think it must be really terrible.</p>

<p>It's been 8 years since I took any english class. I didn't use any 'method' to write this, and I didn't follow any rules. I'm sure it doesn't fit the accepted intro-point1-point2-point3-conclusion format. Will this matter?</p>

<p>I also tend to get carried away with punctuation. That first paragraph really is an accurate representation of my character; I hate following rules. Have I gone overboard with semi-colons? Or am I overthinking the whole thing? Trying to get into college at 26 after being out of school for 8 years is maybe a little nerve-racking.</p>

<p>New College is a liberal arts honors college, and having had many friends that attended (I live 10 minutes away), I know that exceptional intelligence is a neccessity for getting in, as well as a strong, unique character. Will they get that from my essay, do you think? I've really got to win them over if I want to be admitted despite my 2.3 gpa out of high school. Fortunately I took the SAT in 02 and did pretty well; 660m and 690v. I'm also enrolled in community college this year, so I'll have a better gpa to show them by December.</p>

<p>Just one comment...other than I like this very much, and like you as a result of reading it.</p>

<p>You are obviously very bright. There are places in this essay where you go a bit far telling us how smart you are. I think the essay shows that on its own, so you might consider toning down a reference or two concerning IQ, A+ averages or 99th percentile.</p>

<p>Oh, and one more thought, there is a place within the portions devoted to your son where I lose focus on you, the applicant. You bring it back nicely at the end, but I wonder if you could lighten the volume in the Dylan sections and show me more of you, again, sooner in the essay?</p>

<p>I definitely hear you on the first part. The reason was to emphasize the contrast between intellect and grades, in relation to the ADHD thing. But I don't want to sound as if I'm trying to show off. I will definitely do some editing. I can already see where I can tone that down.</p>

<p>But I'm having a hard time figuring out where to make alterations re your second comment. I am open to any suggestions.</p>

<p>Thank you so much for your thorough critique. I belong to several photography websites and post often on critique forums, so I'm very familiar with the 'art' of criticism, and yours was just the sort of thing I was looking for. Much appreciated!</p>

<p>I typed a reply and lost it, somehow. So this will be brief.</p>

<p>It may be the multiple uses of his name, or that the three paragraphs including him start with him and weave over to you. I'm not sure.</p>

<p>Lots of semi-colons, lots of complex sentences, lots of detail and information. Some sentence length variation would give the poor reader a chance to digest some of it all....a breath, if you will.</p>

<p>Sit on it for a while, come back to it with a fresh set of eyes on a rewrite. I like it, though. I want to say that again.</p>

<p>FYI, I only recently learned of New College. What struck me was how it appears to have been modelled after schools like Sarah Lawrence College, my alma mater. I think there are many schools that would be pleased to offer you a slot, although I can understand that geography is important, given your young boy. Best of luck.</p>