<p>Is this a decent intro to my UC personal statement (prompt: Describe the world you come from for example, your family, community or school and tell us how your world has shaped your dreams and aspirations.)</p>
<p>I was almost hit by a pencil sharpener. A few pencils, a few rulers, and a stapler came flying after. How it began, I dont know. In the corner, I took a couple of glances at them and continued reading about properties of exponents. But I lost whatever focus I had to their loud discussion of the latest HALO video game, sprinkled with a few colorful words here and there. When I looked up again, I had to duck. The adolescents, standing at opposite ends of the classroom with sinister laughs, began throwing school supplies at one another. The teacher, with his thick Vietnamese accent, shifted his exhausted attention from the contest to the boy who was writing something obscene on the board. Finally, the bell served its dual purpose, ending the class period as well as the chaos.</p>
<p>I really like it but some of the wording seemed kind of weird? I felt like I had to read it twice and then it made sense. It's pretty good though! I dont know if I like the use of the word "adolescents" but I really like informal essay styles haha</p>
<p>I also like it a lot, its very descriptive. I also found the word adolescents weird, not sure why exactly, just out of place. Also, colleges do not want loners/social outcasts, make sure you do not present yourself as too much one. I do not know the rest of the essay or you as a person, but it sort of comes out that way. No offense is meant, just something to keep in mind. Overall it is a pretty good intro.</p>
<p>I think that calling people adolescents makes it seem like you're above them, and in this situation I assumed that you were a student, on the same level?</p>
<p>yeah. adolescents, whether you think you are above them intellectually or whatever, seems to infer that you are some adult scientists doing a study on them. I'd say there's a better word.</p>