Edited essay-once again asking for opinions

Applying to College
1

<p>Well i've done my best trying to weed out all the useless information and sentences that my essay had, being that i'm going to change it on my commonapp for when I apply to American University and a few other colleges.</p>

<p>I'm open to any opinion on what is "useless", or should be changed, or suggestions. I have until the 15th to edit this essay. I posted it before, but it's a tad different now, as I said, I removed a lot of stuff, and added a few things.</p>

<p>The prompt is : <strong>A range of academic interests, personal perspectives, and life experiences adds much to the educational mix. Given your personal background, describe an experience that illustrates what you would bring to the diversity in a college community, or an encounter that demonstrated the importance of diversity to you.</strong> </p>

<p>The person I am today has been influenced by my life and experiences in Europe. French Romanticist author Alphonse de Lamartine once said ''There is no man more complete than one who has traveled a lot, who has changed twenty times the shape of his thoughts and his life''. I was born to a Palestinian father and an American mother; their culture grandly influenced me in becoming who I am. I was born in Athens, Greece, and after a few years in California and Saudi Arabia, my mother and I moved to Southern France. I earned a French education and became fluent in the French language. France became my ''homeland'', and my favorite place. The culture, literature, architecture, art, landscape and all else encompassed in the country, fascinates me. I traveled through Europe frequently, which enriched me in several ways. I discovered new cultures and people living in dramatically different circumstances than I. I discovered the various beauties of the world and how inspiring it is. I felt alive when I set foot on new territories: Germany, Austria, Slovenia, Croatia, Italy, Scotland, Israel, they all amazed me. I fell in love with traveling and the pursuit of knowledge. These experiences had significant influence on my life. I wanted to be a cultivated person in order to make a difference in the future. In The Chosen, Chaim Potok writes ''a man must fill his life with meaning, meaning is not automatically given to life'', and I yearn for a life with meaning. I focused on experiencing new things: trips to Paris, driving through Europe, participating in student protests for education reform, learning to play the piano, etc. Through this I felt I was mentally preparing myself for the future. I educated my spirit through the readings of European authors such as Sartre, Kant, Zola, Rousseau, Montesquieu, and Voltaire. They inspired me and influenced my vision of society, people, politics, and the world. My experiences in Europe made me view life in a philosophical way, seeing matters of the heart, mind, and soul. As Thomas Wolfe said, ''we are the sum of all the moments of our lives; all that is ours is in them: we cannot escape or conceal it"; the moments of my life spent in Europe entirely shaped me and couldn't have been more beneficial to my mind. France gave me the political interest, philosophical mind, educational motivation, and thirst for being the change in the world, that are a part of me today. My cultural background, educational experience, and my being bilingual, in addition to my international travels and experiences are significant assets that will help me bring diversity, maturity, and passion to my college career and help me towards success.</p>

2

<p>I have a few suggestions:

  1. At the end of sentence 1, the period should be before the quotation marks.
  2. I would delete “and all else encompassed in the country,”
  3. You stated “I traveled through Europe frequently, which enriched me in several ways. I discovered new cultures and people living in dramatically different circumstances than I.” Give examples here, if possible.
  4. This sentence is awkward: “I discovered new cultures and people living in dramatically different circumstances than I. I discovered the various beauties of the world and how inspiring it is.”
  5. Overall, I feel you are not being specific enough. You talk of being inspired by your travel…but why? What are you inspired to do? Give specifics…</p>

<p>I hope I am being helpful to you. I think you have avery good start. The difference between an average essay and a fantastic one is editing.</p>

3

<p>You gave me awesome tips! Here is how I revised it :</p>

<p>The person I am today has been influenced by my life and experiences in Europe. French Romanticist author Alphonse de Lamartine once said ‘‘There is no man more complete than one who has traveled a lot, who has changed twenty times the shape of his thoughts and his life.’’ I was born to a Palestinian father and an American mother; their culture grandly influenced me in becoming who I am. I was born in Athens, Greece, and after a few years in California and Saudi Arabia, my mother and I moved to Southern France. I earned a French education and became fluent in the French language. France became my ‘‘homeland’’, and my favorite place. The culture, literature, architecture, art, and landscape fascinate me. I traveled through Europe frequently, which enriched me in several ways. I discovered new cultures and people living in dramatically different circumstances than I. Homeless teenagers in the streets of Paris, war veterans from Germany, Romanians having fled their country to live in Austria, the people I met all amazed me. I also discovered the various beauties of the world and how inspiring it is. The world is so vast and filled with so many opportunities I wish to seize; I can go anywhere and be anything I want. I could go to Ethiopia, Somalia, Haiti, to help those in need, and make a true difference. I felt alive when I set foot on new territories: Germany, Austria, Slovenia, Croatia, Italy, Scotland, Israel, they all amazed me. I fell in love with traveling and the pursuit of knowledge. These experiences had significant influence on my life. I wanted to be a cultivated person in order to make a difference in the future. In The Chosen, Chaim Potok writes ‘‘a man must fill his life with meaning, meaning is not automatically given to life’’, and I yearn for a life with meaning. I focused on experiencing new things: trips to Paris, driving through Europe, participating in student protests for education reform, learning to play the piano, etc. Through this I felt I was mentally preparing myself for the future. I educated my spirit through the readings of European authors such as Sartre, Kant, Zola, Rousseau, Montesquieu, and Voltaire. They inspired me and influenced my vision of society, people, politics, and the world. My experiences in Europe made me view life in a philosophical way, seeing matters of the heart, mind, and soul. As Thomas Wolfe said, ''we are the sum of all the moments of our lives; all that is ours is in them: we cannot escape or conceal it"; the moments of my life spent in Europe entirely shaped me and couldn’t have been more beneficial to my mind. France gave me the political interest, philosophical mind, educational motivation, and thirst for being the change in the world, that are a part of me today. My cultural background, educational experience, and my being bilingual, in addition to my international travels and experiences are significant assets that will help me bring diversity, maturity, and passion to my college career and help me towards success.</p>

4

<p>1) once said ''There is —should be “there is—
2) Israel, they — should be— Israel; they (should be a semi-colon)
3) Chaim Potok ‘writes’ – should be ‘wrote’
4) or conceal it”; the —should be or conceal it."<br>
5) That are a part of me today — maybe change to “that are integral to who I am today.”
6) Last sentence needs reworking. Not sure how just yet? Anyone else with suggestions?</p>

5

<p>YOu have made many improvements. I don’t know how long you want to keep revising, but here are thoughts.</p>

<ol>
<li>A question the admissions people may have: as a spiritual citizen of france, why, then, do you want to attend a US college? (Colleges look for students who want that college and know why.) you could start something like:</li>
</ol>

<p>"I was born to a Palestinian father and an American mother, but after living and traveling on three continents, I have come to feel France is my real homeland. Yet there is nothing I want more than to attend college in the United States. " </p>

<p>then support that. Your essay explains the first part but doesn’t answer “why the US?”( . … .because . . . you’re still your mother’s daughter in the end? or–You believe US has the best colleges/educational system in the world? or–you’re ready to evolve into a citizen of the world? or–There is nothing like the freedom of American society? Or whatever it may be) It might be abetter ending maybe than “so i will bring cultural diversity to my career/your school.” What does the school still have that you crave, after your many experiences?</p>

<ol>
<li>I agree with “family of 3” about editing editing editing . . .you’re still a bit redundant. case in point: Maybe you’ve read this, but often the original intro and ending of someone’s essay turn out to be superfluous (I know, they’re the parts you worked on hardest . . It’s ironic) and could be deleted. I believe that may be true for you. Your first sentence is not attention-catching and also is too much the same in meaning , if not precisely the same, as saying 2 sentences later that your parents’ culture “grandly” influenced who you are. (also -“grandly” sounds grandiose? Perhaps say “greatly”? Or say their culture is part of the essence of who you are? Is essential to your identity? Or shaped your being and outlook? Or or?)</li>
</ol>

<p>many sentences are generalities/assertiona waiting to be fleshed out with examples. okay, if Lamartine says people can change 20 times, what are some of the ways you’ve changed? (I would also be wary of too many quotes unless you connect to them very clearly. Admissions might know Lamartine . . .but they don’t know Nina. pretend you’re talking to a friend, not just an interviewer. that might help.)</p>

<p>sorry if this is TMI! I appreciate how much work you’re putting into this. you can write me privately if you like, or feel free to ignore such an overload of criticism.
all best.</p>

6

<p>If you’re using quotes, you really need to be using them for a reason. The college admissions officers don’t care about what a French guy has to say. There care about what you have to say. Also, you’re telling instead of showing. Instead of saying you lived in Europe and it was great, say I lived in Europe, which helped me in this part of my life. You need to paint a picture of what the experience means to you. Also, you need stronger word choice. Rather than using adjectives, use expressive verbs and an active voice to SHOW the experience. I would take out the quotes completely. Also, tell us about a specific experience you had in Europe that is important to you. Add some humor perhaps. Make the reader feel for you.</p>

7

<p>I really think you have to radically reshape this essay. It is too general. I am an editor. I know it is hard to scrap words you have worked on, but sometimes you must be ruthless. </p>

<p>Saying your experiences were “amazing” tells the reader nothing. Explain a specific situation in depth that was amazing, and amaze the reader without actually using the word amazing. Think about a favorite novel: Describe a situation so that the reader envisions being there. </p>

<p>I wish you the best.</p>

8

<p>Let me re-emphasize that you must begin again. Do not hang on to the words from this essay. Focus on one or two experiences in depth. Do not use the quotes! Or perhaps only the one that truly speaks to your soul. </p>

<p>Do you have an English teacher you can talk to?</p>

9

<p>I appreciate all the advice. I used the quotes because they are my favorite, and mean a lot to me, but if they are ineffective I guess I should remove them.
It will indeed be hard for me to start over entirely.
I’m going to try and work on everything you guys suggested, and post what I end up with…</p>

<p>I do have an english teacher I could talk to but i’d rather not bother her with all of this, she’s very busy and has a lot going on right now.</p>

10

<p>Okay I made some pretty big changes, i’m hoping i’m getting closer to a final version:</p>

<p>I was born to a Palestinian father and an American mother; their culture greatly influenced me in becoming who I am. I was born in Athens, Greece, and after a few years in California and Saudi Arabia, my mother and I moved to Southern France. I earned a French education and became fluent in the French language. After moving in between 3 continents, I have come to regard France as my homeland, yet I desire to attend college in the United States. I wish to experience the American culture and education which is my mother’s, as I have never been able to before. Growing up in Europe affected me in several ways. I discovered new cultures and people living in dramatically different circumstances than I. Homeless teenagers in the streets of Paris, war veterans from Germany, Romanians having fled their country to live in Austria, the people I met amazed me through the stories they had to tell. I also discovered the various beauties of the world and how inspiring it is. The world is so vast and filled with so many opportunities I wish to seize; I can go anywhere and be anything I want. I could go to Ethiopia, Somalia, Haiti, to help those in need, and make a true difference. I felt alive when I set foot on new territories: Germany, Austria, Slovenia, Croatia, Italy, Scotland, Israel; they all affected me. It’s one thing to study about the history of a country and its people, but to actually see and feel their history is so incredibly inspiring. Through its customs and beliefs, France inspired me to become a cultivated person, one involved in one’s society, in order to make a difference in the future. I was a part of the student protests for educational and political change in our country. We were active citizens who followed the decisions being made for our country, and if we disagreed we would fight for what we believed in. Thousands of us would group in the streets of Avignon, with signs, posters, pamphlets, anything defending our cause; we would spend the day debating about a particular political, social, or economic issue, and the next day we would be in the paper. We made a difference, and I truly felt like my life had a purpose when I participated in those protests. Most importantly France gave me the political interest, philosophical mind, educational motivation, and thirst for being the change in the world, that are a part of me today. My cultural background, educational experience, and my being bilingual, in addition to my international travels and experiences are significant assets that will help me bring diversity, maturity, and passion to my college career and help me towards success in being a meaningful part of this world.</p>

11

<p>On a first read–I think that’s much much better. considerably more specific, more personal, more coherent. </p>

<p>you finally dropped the quotes! good. they can come across as space filler unless used to make a point.</p>

<p>being a grammar nerd, one last time: “different from,” not “different than.” also, it would be “different from ME” not “different from I.”</p>

<p>so–Rather than writing “dramatically different circumstances THAN I”, you might write “circumstances dramatically different from my own.” </p>

<p>good work.</p>

12

<p>Awesome, thank you, i’m terrible at grammar due to my growing up in France, it really worries me actually. I made the change for the sentence.</p>

<p>So I guess I might be done with changing it? I’ll wait and see if anyone else has opinions.</p>

<p>Do you think this essay could help out my chances of acceptance at a school like American University in DC? Or any school for that matter? With my low GPA issue…</p>

13

<p>Not really necessary now, but I posted this in the original thread and thought I’d give a heads up for any other European kids applying:</p>

<p>About the punctuation within the quotations: In Europe, where the OP went to school for much of her life, many countries put the punctuation outside of the quotation marks unless it is specifically part of the quotation. In America, we do the opposite, putting the punctuation on the inside, unless it is specifically not part of the quotation (e.g. a question mark). So that would explain why she wrote it that way. Though she should correct it going forward for apps to US schools, if adcoms are familiar with the fact that most European countries do it the opposite way, they’ll probably forgive it.</p>

14

<p>I think it is much much better! Good job. It has much more power.</p>

<p>But now I will get annoying, of course! But only to help you (smiley face). This is how I think your essay could improve:</p>

<p>The essay prompt specifically says describe an EXPERIENCE or ENCOUNTER that shows you would bring diversity to the campus. This prompt seems tailor-made for you. Start with the protest. What a powerful experience. Give a little background and write about the sights, sounds, and experience of that event and describe why it has personal meaning for you. Then explain how because of that experience, you can bring diversity to the campus. Truly write about the experience as an interesting story, and the person reading it will be very very interested in you, and having you at the university.</p>

<p>One thing I learned about writing for an audience: you need to start with a compelling sentence. A hook to make the reader really excited to start reading the next words. That’s why some stories start out in medias res. Your first sentences are not a good hook. I was born . . . My parents are from these cultures. . . That’s not really that interesting. Well, maybe it would be if you were an Eskimo (smiley), but most applicants are going to have parents or grandparents from elsewhere. Start with the protests. That’s compelling.</p>

<p>I think it could be a fantastic essay, and will help your admission chances. I’m sure you are sick of this essay, but I think it would be well worth another attempt.</p>

<p>Wishing you all the best.</p>

15

<p>born2dance94: yes, punctuation is different in Europe thanks for pointing that out, it’s been hard for me to remember the differences! :)</p>

<p>redpoint: I appreciate the advice SO much, and the opinion as well, I don’t want to get my hopes up for acceptance at AU just because of this essay, cause well, the disappointment of being rejected would kill me haha, but I feel so good having worked on this essay to make it as good as possible. Maybe just maybe will it save me ha.</p>

<p>There is a word limit though, so in your opinion I should perhaps weed out some stuff, and focus solely on the protests? Or should I still try to have a mix of it all, just with a larger focus on the protests? I definitely agree about the first sentence…i’m gonna have to try and think of a compelling start.</p>

16

<p>I think you should focus on the protests. That will interest the reader. Many other students have travelled in Europe, some even lived there, so you have to paint a picture that set you apart. Your experiences DO bring diversity to the school!</p>

17

<p>Ah it’s so hard to get rid of all the rest now! I feel like I want to talk about it too, okay i’m back to editing some more then, thanks for the advice!</p>

18

<p>Okay here I am again with another edit, I pretty much changed the whole thing, I think I have a few punctuation and grammar issues:</p>

<p>The people of France are avidly engaged in the politics of their country, they will fight for what is right in collective groups, yearning for change, sometimes feeling the need for a revolution. These people engage in protests, and there is nothing quite like a french protest. Through its customs and beliefs, France has inspired me to become a cultivated person, one involved in one’s society, in order to make a difference in the future. I was a part of the student protests for educational and political change in our country. We were active citizens who followed the decisions being made for our country, and if we disagreed we would fight for what we believed in. Thousands of us would group in the streets of Avignon, with signs, posters, pamphlets, anything defending our cause; we would spend the day debating about a particular political, social, or economic issue, and the next day we would be in the paper. The issues were vast; reforms to pass that would virtually remove all arts, music, and sports from school curriculum, budget cuts where not needed, dramatic changes in retirement, salary issues, corruption in the system, and the list goes on.
Most political protests were planned by syndicates, but the educational protests were planned by the students. We would have groups of students blocking the entries of all the high schools of our regions, while the others spent their day in the streets of Avignon, chanting, yelling, voicing their opinions. There would be music, and we would walk all along the “Rue de la R</p>

19

<p>bumping this up in case anyone has an opinion.</p>

20

<p>I’ll look at it when I have a moment!</p>