<p>Those are MUCH better. The music essay is quite effective in communicating a meaning that you draw from music. I like it because I sense that you are writing much more from the heart and sharing you feelings on that stage rather than holding us at arms' length. You may need to set the stage just a little more -- a bit more clues that this is your high-school choir on a trip to Italy. Just a word or two. Also, the final paragraph is the right idea, but maybe just a little too close to a platitude. The phrase "many different persuasions" didn't work for me.</p>
<p>I don't think the intern essay is quite there. I would rather see your boss have an an identity beyond "this woman". But, I think you are on the right track drawing us in to your experience and I kind of like the fact that you have made a law internship unpretentious. </p>
<p>I'm not sold by the two-cultures essay. It may need a little more thought about the point you are trying to convey.</p>
<p>Overall, these are infinitely better and I think you've got the hang of it. I would put them away for a few days and then read them out loud. There is some passive voice ("I felt my mind alert itself") or that would be better turned into more active sentence construction. There are also some 25-cent words that stick out ("timorously") like sore thumbs. But, these can be massaged easily enough.</p>
<p>"My future lawyer-self was clutching a briefcase and was very late for a case. And she was wearing the same high heels I was wearing nowand still wobbling."
Instead of "my future lawyer-self", how about 'I saw myself as a lawyer, clutching a briefcase and late for a case. I was wearing the same high-heels I was wearing now and wobbling'. </p>
<p>This one sounds too colloquial (I don't know - I think college essays should have some semblance of formality, I could be wrong):
"Not. I ran headlong into the woman as she was leaving her office, causing her to spill her coffee."
How about:
"That was not to be. I ran headlong....".</p>
<p>Another example:
"Typical me."
What does that mean, anyway? And I don't think you are being clairvoyant, there is not much luck involved in your picturing yourself as a lawyer: just a determination and an educated guess. Therefore, removing the word 'clairvoyant' would be better.</p>
<p>By the way, you haven't said anything about the job description of the person for whom you were interning. Is she a judge? Is she a lawyer? I had that question in my mind. Setting that straight would be better. Even if she is an administrative assistant to a judge, saying that would indicate you really did the work there and know about court systems in the US.</p>
<p>I found the summers essay a bit cliched. For example, the Dr. Seuss quote.
Did you get any glimpse of England that is not touristy and is out of the ordinary? That would be a better essay topic; but don't make it a travelogue as Interesteddad suggested. Did you do anything special there? </p>
<p>I liked the part about your cousins and their being 'salt of the earth' types. And your visits to their household is interesting.</p>
<p>Good job revising the music essay, babybird! </p>
<p>Achat, I don't think the college essays have to be formal. Another parent on here once suggested that an essay should read like a conversation with a friend, full of all of the informality of a chat. It seems like it's really hard for students to go with that concept. I guess it doesn't feel right to them. </p>
<p>I bet the adcoms have heard ever story there is. What can make the difference is the "getting real" part.....not what's being said, but how.</p>
<p>thanks so, so much, parents. so much appreciated.</p>
<p>to revise the one passive sentence of the music essay, how does this sound..."I became aware of where I was, and everything petty simply fell away."</p>
<p>and interestedad, you said that the ending of the music one didn't sell you...I revised it to delete "of many persuasions" but how did you feel about this line "For that reason, I pursue musicbecause it brings joy." It's the ending line so I want to be sure to get it right.</p>
<p>about the summer essay-- I guess by saying that I'm a product of my twin cultures, I have to say something different about theirs...should I add in that they are working class people or is that evident? I think I will put something in about English/American words.</p>
<p>In the intern essay, I made it clearer that it was my boss was the court's event organizer. I added in this line to talk about her personality "She warned me that she was a whirlwind and I would have to keep up."</p>
<p>And here's the ending bit, starting after I hurry to catch up to my boss. I didn't take out "typical me" because I thought it showed that I'll remain the same ten years from now, still wobbling...if it really doesn't work I'll take it out, you judge:</p>
<p>I saw myself as a lawyer, rushing through the lobby with a briefcase. My future self was very late and wearing the same heels I was wearing nowand still wobbling. Typical me.</p>
<p>My employer asked for her appointment book. I rushed to obey and the daydream I had vanished into the back of my mindready to be fulfilled at a later date.</p>
<p>After the chicken line in the summer essay, I added this, "Following a simple homemade dinner, we sit in the living room and make fun of my wholesome American accent."</p>
<p>babybird87, the comment about not using colloquialisms was just my own thoughts articulated here (I am used to speaking formally and haven't been a teenager in a very long while); Momsdream is right: Use your own voice here or whatever you are comfortable with. So using 'Not' is ok (I can see my son speaking now). </p>
<p>Yes, do make it clearer as to what the woman's function was. It wasn't clear. Also don't say you were clairvoyant because it won't be luck that you will turn out to be a lawyer, it will be your hard work and determination. Good luck!</p>
<p>oh, i understood your point about "not"...i changed that, but left other colloquial stuff in.</p>
<p>and i took clairvoyant out. whew.</p>
<p>but now I see Princeton wants another essay "what else would you like us to know"? I'm not sure if I should do another one or if the other four will suffice.</p>
<p>on the princeton online form, to make paragraphs: I put < p>(without the space) but now when I look at review/print application, instead of showing up as html it shows up as < p>...should I take that out and assume that the online form makes paragraphs for me?</p>
<p>no, i know html...you don't need a </ p> for paragraph breaks</p>
<p>but if it shows up when I press review/print application, that means it's not working or it isn't needed. i'm inclined to think it's not needed, a lot like the format of this board.</p>