eek! essay help!

Parent Cafe
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<p>so I've decided last minute to apply to Princeton...would you please read my description of my summer activities?</p>

<p>In the summer of 2003, I assisted the head of my school’s law program in a Summer Institute for teachers. As a result, I met a woman who headed a division of the Central Islip Courthouse. She was sufficiently impressed with me to give me an internship for the month of July with her, at the courthouse. I worked with her, helping organize files and remember appointments. I also learned an incredible amount, going from court division to court division and watching actual cases. The internship only reaffirmed my desire to be a lawyer.</p>

<p>Then I embarked on a sweeping tour of Europe, with my British older cousin. We first went to England, the country of my birth. We went on to Paris, France and toured its beautiful streets, eating ice cream at every opportunity. The Louvre was astonishing and I regretted not being able to see the whole thing because of its sheer size. From Paris, we headed to Rome, Italy. We stayed in central Rome and walked everywhere from the Coliseum to the Trevi Fountain. My most vivid memory is of sipping coffee and looking out at Italy’s rolling hills from the café in Castel De Saint Angelo. We finished up our travels with a visit to lush Scotland. </p>

<p>I had a chance to revisit Italy with my choir in July of 2004. I was specially chosen for a nine-day singing tour of Italy that covered seven cities. We performed in St. Peter’s Basilica and St. Anthony of Padua’s, both gorgeous churches. Our voices echoed back at us with all the history of the buildings we found ourselves in. </p>

<p>In August, I went with my cousin again to visit Prague, and saw the differences between Western and Eastern Europe. My travel experiences have taught me that above all else, there are so many other cultures out there to be appreciated and studied.</p>

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<p>and here's one of my 250 word essays on music:</p>

<p>I've been in some form of choir since I was around seven years old, and I've most likely been singing since I could talk. My mother loves to tell everyone about how, at three years old, I gathered my parents and their friends around and proceeded to perform the alphabet. If my mother is to be believed, I sang them in perfect pitch, too. </p>

<p>I have used music as a way to communicate and express myself. It’s given me a release from the load of my other classes. It’s given me an amazing group of people to share and appreciate it with. And it’s given me memories that are priceless. I won’t and can’t forget the timeless sound we produced when my choir went to Italy and sang in St. Peter’s Basilica. I won't and can't forget the ancient woman who sat in the front row of our outdoor concert in Montecatini and cried when we sang Italy's unofficial national anthem, "Va Pensiero". Above all, I will not and cannot forget the role that music played in those anguished days after September 11th, living in Brooklyn and reaching desperately for a small hope in the songs I'd studied and loved. For all the things music has given me, I feel like I have no choice but to give back to it as well. I know that wherever I go, I will continue to pursue music because something in me needs it.</p>

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<p>and one more 250 word essay...perhaps way too controversial? please advise:</p>

<p>Through her absence, my older sister has had a considerable impact on my life. My mother got pregnant too young, too soon and had to make a grueling decision to give up her first child. She was so afraid she would never have another one that when she got pregnant again she kept this one—that baby turned out to be me. </p>

<p>I found out when I was only 14 that I would have had an older sister had my mother kept her child. I was confused and upset at first, understanding as I matured. Because of the sister I never knew, I forced myself to excel and reach as high as I could. I saw that my mother wondered about the child she never had. I wanted her not to. I wanted her to be happy with me, and see that I could be both myself and the ghost of my non-existent older sister. </p>

<p>I imagine what she would have looked like. Would she have my father’s prominent brow, my mother’s clear eyes? Would she laugh like my mother, or would she be deadpan like my father? I can’t say. No one can.</p>

<p>But I can see the impact my efforts have made on my mother. She is a happier person, more at ease with herself. She sees now that no matter what decision she made when she was young, she made great decisions in raising me. And I’d never have understood her as well as I do now if she hadn’t told me about the older sister that never was.</p>

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<p>It is not clear from your essay which is the most important figure in your life, your absent sister or your mother.</p>

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<p>no my mom had an abortion...</p>

<p>do you think it would be better if I said she was happier because i was turning out well or because I shared the secret? both are true but i have limited space....</p>

<p>and i should make it clearer the older sister is more important...but my mom is pretty entangled in that</p>

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<p>Summer activities essay.</p>

<p>Are you sure you have that much space to devote to this topic? Anyway, it reads too much like a laundry list. Try to sharpen your focus on one or two activities. </p>

<p>Music essay: I don't think that the repetition of I won't and I can't forget adds to the essay. Drop the reference to your singing the alphabet and provide more details of your choral activities. The anecdote about the old lady in Italy is nice. There should be more of this kind of detail.</p>

7

<p>I would skip the abortion essay. It's too personal and makes you sound too insensitive. Abortion should be avoided. It's going to make the reader uncomfortable. Top that with your cavalier approach (not to mention that this is your MOM) to it and you end up losing your point. </p>

<p>Do something else....don't talk about your mom's abortion - Or anyone else's for that matter.</p>

<p>You also mentioned sharing the secret. If it's a secret, why are you writing to a bunch of strangers at Princeton about it? See? You're betraying your own mom's trust for the sake of college admission...<em>not sure if you are, but anyone could draw this concluson</em>. Plus, you seem arrogant. Your essay is about how you're so great that your mom's abortion doesn't matter. I KNOW you don't mean to convey that. But, that's how I took it.</p>

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<p>I was really ambivalent about the essay when I thought your mom had given your sister up for adoption. Now I understand your mom had an abortion, I share momsdream's reaction.</p>

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<p>marite- I, like you, thought it was about adoption. Even as an adoption topic, it missed the mark. Though, I think I would have found the topic interesting (adoption of an older sibling) if it had been approached differently. I wonder why the poster purposely made us think it was about adoption when it was about abortion. There's not even a point at the end (a twist) that surprises us with the revelation that it's about abortion. </p>

<p>BabyBird, I guess you already knew that your essay was too controversial. Sorry if it feels like I'm picking it apart. I just want you to understand that you really shouldn't use this essay.</p>

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<p>I don't understand why you think it's cavalier, I'm being perfectly serious. I don't see how it's arrogant...</p>

<p>and I didn't purposely try to convey adoption. I thought it was clear it was an abortion.</p>

<p>I'm just trying to find something different to write about rather than the same old boring stuff Princeton always gets...</p>

11

<p>The arrogant part:
"But I can see the impact my efforts have made on my mother. She is a happier person, more at ease with herself. She sees now that no matter what decision she made when she was young, she made great decisions in raising me."</p>

<p>In no way is it clear that it's about abortion. I was adopted as an infant and I have since met my much younger half-siblings. This sounds like adoption to me. You use the term "give up"...which is very commonly associated with adoption. You speak of the sex of the baby, which is not something most people would know after an abortion. </p>

<p>There are other interesting topics.</p>

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<p>I understand, momsdream. </p>

<p>here's my revised music essay:</p>

<p>I've been in some form of choir since I was around seven years old, and I've most likely been singing since I could talk. </p>

<p>I have used music as a way to communicate and express myself. It’s given me a release from the load of my other classes. It’s given me an amazing group of people to share and appreciate it with. </p>

<p>And it’s given me memories that are priceless. I won’t forget the veterans singing our anthem along with me at the Pearl Harbor Remembrance concert last year. I’ll always remember the ancient woman who sat in the front row of our outdoor concert in Montecatini and cried when we sang Italy's unofficial national anthem, "Va Pensiero". I vividly recall the way the impoverished children of P.S. 49 in the Bronx looked at my friends and me, eyes wide, as we performed an impromptu concert for them. We affected those people, and we gave them memories with our voices.</p>

<p>And most personally, I understand the crucial role that music played in those anguished days after September 11th, living in Brooklyn and reaching desperately for a small hope in the songs I'd studied and loved. For all the things music has given me, I feel like I have no choice but to give back to it as well. I know that wherever I go, I will continue to pursue music because something in me needs it.</p>

13

<p>and my revised summer essay:</p>

<p>As a dual citizen, I am the product of two countries as much as I am the product of two parents. I've been visiting Europe since I was nine years old, and my summers reflect the many opportunities my twin cultures have afforded me. </p>

<p>In the summer of 2003, I embarked on a sweeping tour of Europe with my British older cousin. First we reunited in England, paying a visit to my grandmother and other cousins. We went on to Paris, France and toured its beautiful streets, eating ice cream at every opportunity. The Louvre was astonishing and I regretted not being able to see the whole thing because of its sheer size. From Paris, we headed to Rome, Italy. We stayed in central Rome and walked everywhere from the Coliseum to the Trevi Fountain. I remember so clearly sipping coffee and looking out at Italy’s rolling hills from the café in Castel De Saint Angelo. We finished up our travels with a visit to lush Scotland, where it rained constantly and we took shelter in the Edinburgh Castle, clutching our coats to our wet bodies and laughing.</p>

<p>I had a chance to revisit Italy with my choir in July of 2004, when I was specially chosen for a nine-day singing tour of Italy that covered seven cities. We performed in St. Peter’s Basilica and St. Anthony of Padua’s. Our voices echoed back at us with all the history of the buildings we found ourselves in. I became ill the last four days of the trip with food poisoning, yet forced myself to rise from the hotel room and traipse up and down the cobbled streets of Tuscany for the sheer joy of it.</p>

<p>My summers are full, to be sure—yet they have taught me the value of appreciating a whole other world most people don’t get to see in their entire lives, let alone before they are 17 years old. I wouldn’t have it any other way.</p>

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<p>The music essay has potential. It would be much stronger if it weren't so passive. It would be so much stronger if you pulled us into ONE moment and let that experience speak for you. "Music has touched me in so many ways. I will never forget the woman in the red scarf and the lone tear rolling down her cheek....."</p>

<p>The travel essay needs a complete rethink. </p>

<p>"My summers are full, to be sure—yet they have taught me the value of appreciating a whole other world most people don’t get to see in their entire lives, let alone before they are 17 years old. I wouldn’t have it any other way."</p>

<p>My daugher and I used to joke about this kind of essay or when sentences like this crept into her college essays. We looked at each other and said, "I like to travel and help old people...." before breaking into laughter -- a reference to the wonderful British comedy TV show, "Are You Being Served?". One episode featured a beauty contest. One after another, the well-endowed beauties walked up to answer a simple question about their philosophy of life. One after another, each one smiled and said, "I like to travel and help old people...."</p>

<p>To put it bluntly, the travelog essay is probably the most overused essay in the book. The adcoms simply don't care. Why would they be even remotely interested the fact that you enjoyed yourself traipsing through Tuscany while they are holed up at midnight on a cold January night, swilling black coffee, trying to slog their way through a stack of 500 applications on their kitchen table? After wading through half of those essays, it'll be the adcom who needs a vacation and would probably choose a Siberian prison camp over reading any more travel essays!</p>

<p>Even worse, the fact that you are priviledged enough to afford Euro travel every year may work against you. </p>

<p>To make a travel essay work, you simply must tie the experiences to something interesting -- a love of art history that led to you becoming a docent at the local museum, gravestones in the UK that inspired your love of history, a glacial lake in northern Scotland that led to your fascination with the Loch Ness monster.... Something. The singing in S. Peters has potential.</p>

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<p>i used the singing in St. Peters in my music essay, that's all...I feel stupid using it more than once</p>

<p>I know it's terribly cliche...but I just feel the need to use the fact that I'm a dual citizen...plus the question is literally "what did you do over the past two summers", so I can't concentrate too much on one thing, but it sounds like a laundry list if I don't...i also had two internships and I don't have room to put that in. what do you recommend, concentrating on the internships or the traveling?</p>

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<p>interesteddad, thanks so much for your idea-- this is my new "music" essay:</p>

<p>My choir took the stage in what felt like 500 degree weather. Though it was night, it was almost as if I could feel the Tuscany sun still beating upon my back. The dress code was a killer: we were required to wear all black, long sleeves and floor length skirts. Even as the host of the outdoor concert introduced us to the Italians waiting to hear the “exotic” American choir sing, all I could think about was whether or not we had a curfew that night.</p>

<p>But then we began to sing. And I felt my mind alert itself slowly to where it was. I began to look, really look, at our audience. I felt their need for our music, our celebration of their rich culture. I was riveted on one ancient woman in the front row. She had arrived hours before the rest of the audience to ensure her spot, and was now raptly listening to us. She clutched her cane as we crescendoed; she relaxed her frail but determined body as our voices retreated.</p>

<p>Then the choir began “Va Pensiero”, Italy’s unofficial national anthem. I sang right to the old woman in the front row, realizing I’d never sung it this well before. To my utter amazement, the aged woman began to sing along. She waved her arms in the air as we sang, our faces smiling at her emotion. And I noticed that she was crying, tears streaking down her face as her mouth moved along with the words.</p>

<pre><code>Yes, music means the world to me. But it wasn’t until I saw that old woman that I realized it means the world to so many people, of so many different persuasions. For that reason, I pursue music—because it brings joy.
</code></pre>

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<p>"what did you do over the past two summers"</p>

<p>My attitude is that you are under no obligation to provide, nor would any adcom want to read, a blow by blow account of your entire summer. My recommendation is always to start with what it is about you that you think will best sell you as a positive contributor to campus life. Once you've decided on a "marketing strategy", pick experiences that highlight those qualities in your essays. </p>

<p>They will be more impressed by a "what I did last summer" essay that goes off into something interesting than a laundry list of travel destinations. If you interned both summers, that probably has more potential than a Euro travelog.</p>

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<p>If you think that being a dual citizen is an important part of your personality that will increase the chances of the college viewing you are a positive addition to campus life, then by all means, write an essay about it! Write about sitting in the the church ruins of your ancestral village looking at 500 year old gravestones of your mother's family. Bring us into the picture.</p>

<p>I'm just throwing out ideas. it is impossible to really give essay advice because essay topics have to grow out of the applicant's experiences. I had enough trouble kickin' around ideas with my own daughter -- experiences that portrayed who she was. It's impossible to make recommendations to a stranger except to give random examples. I do know that the number one question about ANY essay topic is, "how will this increase my chances of admissions..."</p>

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<p>hey babybird - if you want to go back to the "I got in" thread, you can see some of my essays - maybe they will give you a sense for what they are looking for...</p>

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<p>thanks so much everyone, you guys are really helping me...why do i only think well really late at night? haha</p>

<p>here is the other 250 word essay I must do...I'm using this to replace the one on my mother and sister that was too controversial before...</p>

<p>I straightened my skirt and winced as my high heels shook my body and threatened to topple me. I looked up at the courthouse timorously. Gathering my breath, I strode inside, and—was promptly stopped by a guard and a metal detector. I grinned sheepishly at him as he gestured to the bins for my cell-phone and keys. I complied, then stepped through the detector. It went crazy. It turned out to be the metal buckles on my shoes. </p>

<p>I sighed and remained optimistic. So my first day of courthouse internship had a few speed-bumps. Once I found the woman I was supposed to be interning for, I was sure to set the day straight. </p>

<p>Not. I ran headlong into the woman as she was leaving her office, causing her to spill her coffee. She peered over her cat’s-eye glasses at me, her foreboding figure made slightly comical by the neon fuchsia suit she was wearing. I managed to squeak a “Hello” and she backed me into her office, grabbing napkins for the spilled coffee on the way. Once in her den, she quickly briefed me on the specifics of my internship. Around 5 hours a day, 25 hours a week, I was to file, take dictation and otherwise follow her around on her daily traverses through the court system. </p>

<p>I smiled and nodded. This is what I had wanted, after all, a entry level view into the workings of the courthouse. As I hurried after my employer through the marble lobby, I paused for a moment to imagine myself ten years later. My future lawyer-self was clutching a briefcase and was very late for a case. And she was wearing the same high heels I was wearing now—and still wobbling.</p>

<p>Typical me.</p>

<p>My employer asked for her appointment book. I rushed to obey and the clairvoyant vision I had vanished into the back of my mind—ready to be fulfilled.</p>

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<p>and finally, after much toiling, here is the revised "past two summers essay":</p>

<p>As a dual citizen of both the United States and the United Kingdom, I am the product of two countries as much as I am the product of two parents. I've been visiting Europe since I was nine years old, and my summers reflect the many opportunities my twin cultures have afforded me. </p>

<p>I could write pages and pages about the countries I've visited, the things I've seen and the memories I've gathered. Oh, the Places You’ll Go!, as a popular Dr. Seuss book says. But as much as my travels have affected me—made me a more mature, reliable person—the best experience I get out of my summers abroad is the feeling of a second home.</p>

<p>I live with my cousins in Birmingham when I go abroad, and they welcome me into their bustling household. I'm more like an aunt to the kids than I am a cousin—I look after them as they run around the coffee table, barely missing the antique vase every time. After I help clean up the kitchen with my uncle, I am usually pulled out to the yard by the youngest to help chase the chickens around. There isn’t a purpose to it; my cousins just enjoy running after fowl.</p>

<p>My extended family in England are and remain salt-of-the-earth people, the kind of people you want cushioning you. When I come home from my weekend trips or journeys into the city, they’re waiting there. They claim they’ve simply been watching TV, but I know they’ve been waiting up for me. </p>

<p>And that’s the best part of my past two summers.</p>