<p>Would anyone with college admissions experience be willing to look over my son's personal statement? We're new to this and his college counselor said his essay sounded too formal and like it was written by an adult. </p>
<p>We're not sure we agree with this assessment, but since we don't have any experience and she does, we thought it might be worth getting a reaction from someone who doesn't know our son.</p>
<p>Does his "voice" come through? Is it a good essay? Does it need work? What's wrong with it? etc.</p>
<p>If a parent who has been through this would be willing to take a look, we would be most appreciative.</p>
<p>Mom&Dad, if the person who knows your son made the remarks, chances are that she was correct. Actually, it is very impressive that a school counselor was able to identify the formality and "written by an adult" syndrome. Based on past postings of essays on CC, most school officials err on the side of over-formality. </p>
<p>We have had many threads about essays on CC. Despite this, you may do a quick search. One of the best things to do might be to drive to Barnes and Noble and pick up Harry Bauld's book. It is not my hands-down favorite book on essays, but most everyone agrees that it offers the best overall advice.</p>
<p>mom&dad - I am one of the parents who frequently volunteers to critique student essays; so I have seen quite a few. I would be happy to look at your son's and give a "second opinion" if you like. You can PM it to me.</p>
<p>The counselor knows our son, but only superficially. </p>
<p>My concern is that since my son wrote the essay, not an adult, and it seems "formal" to his counselor, will this hurt him? </p>
<p>I think his essay reflects important aspects of his personality, but not his totality - he's not comfortable revealing deep sides of his private self, but my own impression is that the essay is beautiful and deeply meaningful. </p>
<p>Our son is the child of two academics, so he can't help it if he's a good writer! :)</p>
<p>My guess (and it is only a guess): a "formal" tone would not hurt in an essay. BUT a voice which sounds like an adult's (even though it actually is your son's) might make a reader think it is a "bought-and-paid-for" essay or one that had been overly edited and changed by an adult. This would kill an applicant's chances, I believe. It would be horribly unfair to your son, since he wrote the essay himself. He would be a victim of the "essay mill" industry even though he has had not part of it. </p>
<p>Do you think this is what your son's GC was suggesting?</p>
<p>Mom&Dad, it is hard to say if it will hurt him or not. Only someone who sees the entire application and its context can make that determination. Also, there are different styles for different schools. For instance, the type and style of essays that seems to please Connecticut College --florid, verbose, pompous-- would drive the majority of schools absolutely crazy. It is important to match the essay to the prompt and try to find out the school's preference. </p>
<p>For what it is worth, the "writing well" does not have to translate into an essay that has the voice of an adult or is overly formal. I believe that most people on CC do recognize essays that "work" for college applications. The essay does not have to be profound or extremely introspective. In fact, it's totally acceptable to remain private except for a small slice of life. A couple of lively examples or heartfelt stories work much better than a deep analysis. The stories can be simple and should not try to be impressive. </p>
<p>The objective of the essay should be to make the reader wanting to learn more about the writer and say ... what a neat kid!</p>
<p>This was posted today on a different forum on CC:</p>
<p>"I am perseverant in achieving my academic pursuits by working towards my career goals; overcoming obstacles and personal hardships is the key to my success. In addition, my intention of walking my academic road by pairs of steps derived from patience; pacing, yet not overburdening myself led me to efficiently discover an academic road suited for me. Furthermore, my purpose for prioritizing my education stemmed from a change in my perspective; an alteration of view drove me to value my education."</p>
<p>That sounds like the corporate manager-speak that we try so hard to avoid In Real Life. Essays are not meant to be dry research reports: they are meant to bring the student alive to the Admissions Committee. The "voice" and the content are both important.</p>
<p>Yikes, that essay sounds stilted and verbose and fake. My son's essay is nothing like that.</p>
<p>I'm not sure what the counselor was suggesting, except she asked me if we helped him write it. He wrote it, but he did a lot of editing. He read it aloud, worked on it, polished it, refined it. Isn't that what you're supposed to do? </p>
<p>One thing we haven't done is get outside feedback, except for the counselor. And now we're all freaking out.</p>
<p>We just got more "feedback" from the GC. The GC didn't like one part of one of his supplemental essays. This doesn't surprise me because it casts his school in a somewhat unfavorable light and I can see the point that you don't want to bash your school. </p>
<p>(However, it's clear from his common app essay and his other additional information pieces and what not that he LOVES his school and really enjoyed his time there. So my feeling is that it's constructive and appropriate to offer constructive criticism. Doesn't that show growth? Besides - these are my son's true feelings!)</p>
<p>I don't think he's bashing the school, but he's contrasting the honor code at his school with Haverford's (the supplement in question is for the Haverford Honor Code essay).</p>
<p>My own opinion is that his argument is quite good, but I can see the point that Haverford comes out in the stronger position.</p>
<p>This seems tricky to me - we've debated the merits of this at home and feel that since Haverford is such a long shot, why not take a risk with this compare and contrast approach that leads to how Haverford's honor code will affect him?</p>
<p>These are great tips. My son spent a lot of time putting many of these into action. I think that's what was so distressing about a GC comment that it sounded too formal and too adult.</p>
<p>But jmmom was kind enough to read the essay and her comments were very reassuring and she had a great suggestion about one paragraph that I shared with my son.</p>
<p>I think the GC means well, but I sometimes wonder, since she's on the High School side and not the College Admissions side, how she knows what really works and what doesn't.</p>
<p>In any event, it's been a long process and one very important phase is coming to a close. I'll be glad when the submit button is clicked on the last app and then we can try and relax until the spring.</p>
<p>this is a student speaking and here is what i have to say
You shouldn't help him edit to the point where it doesn't even sound like him anymore. I have 3 sisters, they all went through this stressful process. Sounding fake is something u really want to avoid. You should give him feedback / grammar corrections , but emphasize less on rewording. You don't want to be using vocabulary of an "adult".<br>
My sisters been editing my essay, but she refuses to reword it for me. :( She simply checks the structure and gives me feedback on it. I sent in my application just a few days ago so i'm off the hook until spring. Rejection letters rejection letters... one thing is : i hate disappointing my parents hahaha</p>
<p>When my son gave me his essay on Why His Particular Major, I was ready to give him some major suggestions. Instead, it so captured his passions that I gave it back, told him to change absolutely nothing, and to send it exactly as-is (or as-was). Sometimes, no editing is best.</p>