Essay introduction - please give your opinion

College Essays
1

<p>Hello everybody, can you please check the introduction (not really an introduction, just the idea that I am going to base my essay on) of my first personal statement to the UC system.
Prompt: Describe the world you come from — for example, your family, community or school — and tell us how your world has shaped your dreams and aspirations.</p>

<p>"Intro": Parents are in a lot of cases the ones that create interest in their children regarding a certain subject. My parents never tried to set a career path for me, neither in a direct nor in a subtle way. Not even inspire me. Not because they don’t care. I am not sure whether it’s because they never cared for sciences and engineering, because if they did, they would most probably be so fascinated about this field of learning that they would be bringing up the subject in a way or another, creating interest in me since I am a child, or if because they are open-minded and support the ultimate liberty of choice. The rest of the world? Nobody/nothing really inspired me. It was just the way I observe the world, and the way I think, that made me interested in what I am applying to. </p>

2

<p>I skimmed over several sentences out of boredom. This is way too general, especially that first line. I really want to be pulled in from the start, and get a sense of who you are. I got nothing from this paragraph.</p>

<p>I know this is just the idea, but if this is how the essay would turn out, I suggest changing it to make it WAYYY more personal. Try starting with an anecdote or interesting experience. It doesn’t have to be told in perfect neat “intro, body paragraph, conclusion” order. Good luck! </p>

3

<p>Hi NAD266, I would suggest you leave out the part about what your parents didn’t do or that “Nobody/nothing really inspired me.” and instead, focus on how you observe the world and how do you think and how you came to choosing your major/area of interest. Hope this helps. : )</p>

4

<p>Thanks a lot guys. Really appreciate it.</p>