essay- opinions wanted

Hey, I wrote this essay as a supplemental one for a school and am considering submitting it to some of my other schools. I think it might need some work, especially in the last paragraph. Any thoughts?

<pre><code> The soggy, off-center lump of clay jerked around the wheel as I futilely attempted to form it into a bowl. I knew I should be the one controlling the clay, but instead the spinning clay was causing my hands to jerk in every direction. After about fifteen minutes of struggling, a chunk of the clay flew off the wheel and splattered against the wall. “Okay, that’s enough for today,” I thought as I cut the power and began to clean up the mess on the wheel, floor, and walls.
This experience taught me that throwing on the potter’s wheel, like many things in life, is not as easy as it looks. I had seen other people working on the wheel, and they made the entire process seem effortless. They forced the clay into the center of the wheel so perfectly that you could hardly tell the clay was in motion. Then, after hollowing out the center, the walls arose, even and almost perfectly vertical. Finally, by applying slight
</code></pre>

pressure to the inside or outside walls, they gave the clay its final form. They could make the clay become a bowl, a vase, a bottle- whatever they wanted. “I could do that,” I thought. I was right. I was able to make pots on the wheel- it just didn’t come as easily or as quickly as I would have liked.
After that first try, I took a break from the wheel for awhile and concentrated on making handbuilt pieces out of coils or slabs of clay. A few weeks later, I decided to give the wheel another try. Once the instructor helped me center the pot, I managed to form something that resembled a bowl. One side of this bowl was thinner and several inches higher than the other side. Before I could cut this masterpiece off the wheel, I accidentally
bumped it with my hand, causing it to become a lopsided plate. Discouraged, I decided I that throwing on the wheel was just not my thing.<br>
For the next several months, I occasionally tried again at the wheel. Although I improved slightly during this time, I still surprised myself the first time I centered the clay, built the walls, and formed the shape without any help. Looking at my finished piece, a respectable-looking bowl, I felt a sense of accomplishment. “I finally got the hang of this,” I thought to myself. From that day forward, began to really enjoy throwing on the wheel.
I began throwing larger, better-formed pots, and I learned how to make vases and bottles. Not only was I surprised at my sudden improvement, but I discovered that I enjoyed throwing more than handbuilding. Now when I go into the pottery studio, I head straight for the wheel. Although I definitely have far to go- some of my pots are still uneven, or precariously built, I am proud of how far I’ve come. From the first time I tried making a
pot on the wheel up until today, I have made a lot of progress. I still don’t make throwing look easy, but I’m working on it.

<p>eh, it was separated into paragraphs, but didn't post right. sorry to anyone who still decides to read it.</p>

<p>maybe relate it more to your philosophy on life and don't leave it completely up to the reader to see the metaphor.</p>

<p>Hey, I just had a quick question. Here is the sentence: We were second to last to present, and the pressure seemed to be affecting me much less than my group. Did I put enough stuff after the "than" to explain the meaning correctly? Or should it be something like "than it was affecting my group?" Any input on this sentence would be greatly appreciated. Thanks!</p>

<p>Edit: And while you guys are at it ;), I wouldn't mind knowing the correct notation for a string of if, thens. For example, If I decide to ski, then I will lose weight; if I run the marathon, I will build muscle mass; and if my teacher fails me, then I will lose all chance at a decent university. Now, are those semicolons correct, or should they be commas or three completely distinct sentences?</p>

<p>I would say that the semicolons work fine... look for another opinion though. :)</p>

<p>maybe this makes makes it clearer- The pressure seemed to be affecting me much less than the others in my group.</p>

<p>Yes, much better.</p>

<p>Bump...any more comments?</p>

<p>Thanks. I corrected the "than" sentence and am glad the semicolons make sense. Almost done with those essays, so soon I can allow senioritis to take its full effect! :)</p>

<p>Wait so what are you trying to prove? it basically sounds like u're describing your failures in throwing clay and then getting the hang of it in the end....what's the topic of the paper? you have to show that the experience motivated you in a way...you don't have a thesis paragraph..your first paragraph should give the reader an idea of what to expect and what you're trying to prove...then in the conclusion you tie everything together and show how you proved it.</p>

<p>ah yes...beware of paper thieves :-p :)</p>

<p>You know, I find it amazing at how I suck at english, yet I can easily pick out errors in a paper. Maybe my teachers just don't like my style of writing, I don't know.</p>

<p>Regardless:</p>

<p>skigurl432: When you "think" something, you don't put it in quotes. You only use quotes if it is something you said out loud.</p>

<p>IceMan: Regarding the sentence: "We were second to last to present, and the pressure seemed to be affecting me much less than my group." This sentence is awkward in that in order for it to flow better, the phrase "second to last" must be hyphenized so it reads "second-to-last" doing this just makes it flow smoother, IMO. Ask your english teacher if my reasoning is correct.</p>

<p>As for the ifs and thans. My general rule of thumb is if the "ifs" and "thans" are totally different, it's best to split them into their own sentences. To me, I have no idea if the set you gave us in that post is an example, or if it's what you're actually writing about. I don't suggest you do that, though, because what you posted is extremely incoherent; it makes no sense what-so-ever.</p>

<p>Yet another metaphor to life essay.</p>

<p>Haha I'm surprised that two people saw this as a "metaphor for life" essay. That definitely did not enter my mind when I was writing it, I was just describing things that happened to me. Rereading the essay, though, I can see what they mean. It's even more cliche than I thought it was. Yeah, I'm not going to submit this essay anywhere else now.</p>

<p>What is your point, what are you trying to say?</p>

<p>No, that sentence was just an example, lol. I wasn't writing about skiing and marathons and losing weight. It just popped into my head. The actual sentence is the following:</p>

<p>If my love for The Weather Channel® morphs into something more, that door is always open; if I decide to do more than read the Wall Street Journal and watch CNBC religiously, Brown can fulfill my wish; and if I choose to enter a field that I have no previous experience in, such as theater, I can rightfully experiment. </p>

<p>I feel sketchy about posting a part of my essay online; don't want online-thieves! But I understand that the sentence probably needed to be mentioned in this case for clarity. And I put the hyphens into the other sentence, thanks a lot. I'm thinking of sending all this stuff out by tomorrow at the latest.</p>

<p>Also, it's "if/then", not "if/than". "Than" is used for comparison (I am better than he), then is used for sequencing (first he was shot, then he died).</p>

<p>Correct NJPitcher, and I just noticed that I don't even have any "thens" in the sentence. Oh well, you get the idea. ;)</p>

<p>Iceman, I think you have a great sentence. dont change a thing.</p>

<p>BTW- thanks for giving me a sentence to put in my own essay!</p>

<p>Sorry, last essay-related question! I wrote a sentence that goes something like this: I realized blah blah blah and that I WAS underestimating myself. Now, Word saw that and said the WAS should be WERE. Is that correct, and if so, why?</p>