<p>PLEASE read my essay and score from 2-12 :-)</p>
<p>"Are people's lives the result of the choices they make?"</p>
<p>One of the most popular adages states that we as humans are the masters of our own destinywe control out own set of ramifications. The validity of this powerful conjecture is clearly demonstrated through literature, history, and personal experiences.</p>
<p>Dealing through literature, one of the most reflective of this startling principle is the focal character of Alexandre Dumas The Count of Monte Cristo, Edmond Dantès. Innocently wronged by his close compatriots, Dantès is miserably sent to the Château DIf. Upon escape, Dantès stumbles upon a valuable treasure. He collects the treasure and disguises himself as the Count of Monte Cristo. Dantès then mischievously utilizes the characters that sent him to prison. He seeks vengeance and revenge. In the process, people die in effect to Dantès, a once innocent man. Like the alteration of his title, the Count of Monte Cristo has masked who he truly is; he cant even find himself anymore.</p>
<p>On a similar notion, another analogous point that can be stated is that of Martha Stewart. Originally though of as a perfectionist-house woman, Stewart had the uncanny ability to craft the perfect apple pie and still have enough excessive energy to create a miniature Japanese garden. It was in 2002 that Stewart conducted inside trading with the stock of ImClone. It is through her reckless and avaricious decision to profit that her reputation is tarnished from every respectful audience viewer.</p>
<p>In my personal life, I have come to realize the truth behind the responsible or irresponsible choices that I perform. It was 7th grade, an age I could definitely distinguish right and wrong. I found a wallet with $200. I wanted an Ipod so bad that winter season; everyone had one. I realized though that it wasnt my money to use. If I took the wallet, I would be haunted at the action I was doing. What if the owner was on his last $200 to pay the water or utilities bill? I didnt take the wallet.</p>
<p>In toto, we have to make the decision for ourselves; if not for ourselves, our conscientious. What kind of person do you want to be? </p>
<p>Thanks yall'!</p>
<p>score: 8-9.</p>
<p>It started out as a 9-10, but then your syntax was unnecessarily awkward adn in the 2nd body paragraph your martha stewart example was not thorough enough and yoour conclusion was too short.</p>
<p>Sorry to be harsh, but here's the details that I think you can improve:</p>
<p>-longer conclusion and intro. Your intro is better t han your conclusion only slightly b/c it's longer and seems better thought out. But there really jsut isn't any meat to your intro except the generic 3 sentence including a thesis. </p>
<p>-Nice, thorough explanations in the 1st body parag.
- 2nd body paragraph. take out the sentence about Martha's apple pies and japanese gardens. It does well to describe her, but it really doesn't relate to your central argument, and nothing else in the paragraph follows it up. Like.... it just doesn't really have any significance in your essay. instead, I would advise to delve deeper into how she ruined her reputation by doing illegaltrading. Say how she endede up in prison and had to be under house arrest and all that b/c of her greed/ambition. Basically do less descriptoin and more analysis.
- 3rd body parag.... add another sentence after your sentecen "I didn't take the wallet." I was hurdled suddenly into your conclusion paragraph and left hanging in midair b/c I expected that you were going to say something more after your last sentece in the 3rd body paragraph. So better transitions to make your paper flow better. Even if you repeat things slightly, it's better to do that than leave the reader hanging or leave a topic not thoroughly analyzed.
- conclusion.... make it LOONG and cheesy if you are running short on time. I understand that with 3 bodies it's hard to squeeze in an elaborate conclusion, but it's really the linchpin and final knot of your paper... so make it resonate in the reader's minds. And I am not sure about endign it in a question. Maybe starting an intro paragraph in a question is a good way to grab the reader's attention, but a ques in the conclusion, again, leaves me with that hanging feeling. </p>
<p>Other than that, your examples and the vocab/complexity with which you write is good enough for a 10+... just relate everything back to the central argument and write a better conclusion.</p>
<p>On the April essay I got a 12...but I haven't practiced in a long time. Maybe that's it?</p>
<p>I'll definitely need to work on getting my skills up to par.</p>
<p>New essay prompt: Can closed doors invoke creativity?</p>
<p>We as humans don’t desire what we need, but rather long for things we don’t need. Like a rebellious, antagonistic teenager, we do what we are averred not to do. We go again the grain. It is from conformity and the closed doors of opportunity that we get creative. The validity of this statement can be supported through literature, history, and personal experiences.</p>
<p>From one of the most grandiose pieces of American literature, Nathaniel Hawthorne’s The Scarlet Letter emerges to solidify the notion of creativity from isolation. The book’s focal character, Hester Prynne, surfaces as a character committing a nefarious action—adultery resulting in a child. She is forced to wear a symbol of her crime—a scarlet “A” to denote her treacherous adultery. She is sequestered to the outer limits of her town. It is there in isolation that Prynne concocts the idea to embellish the once shameful letter. On returning, the townspeople view Prynne’s letter as able. Prynne utilizes her creativity to cajole the town into seeing who she truly is. </p>
<p>Dealing with the same concept, Japan’s history explores the ramification of being closed from the world. Japan’s history is quite mysterious as it has been isolated and neutral before it was discovered by America’s Matthew Perry. Now Japan is one of the most innovative countries in the electronic world. Japan was able to produce novel ideas when the world decided not to peer; now the world can’t stop looking.</p>
<p>Lastly, as a teenage boy, I was always told to not express my inner feelings and femininity. I went against that bias. My passion is gourmet cooking—from éclairs to rosemary chicken. It was because I was told not to do something that I pursued it; I explored that something I didn’t know would alter my world.</p>
<p>All in all, the walls of limit need to be there. They need to be there so that we can tear them down. We need to find vulpine ways to surpass the limit, to know that there is more to life though we are blinded by isolation and rules. We must try.</p>