<p>What do you guys think about my friend's essay? He's applying to Northeastern and Harvard.</p>
<p>Topic #1 on the Common applic: Evaluate a significant experience, achievement, risk, etc. and its impact.... etc. (You guys have the application!)</p>
<p>Response:</p>
<pre><code> Do you have any idea how difficult it is to tell loved ones that you have a phobia of theme park rides? Imagine how awkward I feel when I am forced to go to Walt Disney World and have to answer to this:
Lets try that ride! my friends would say.
No I would reply.
Why not?
Im terrified And they would laugh, making me feel embarrassed.
So when my family decided to visit Busch Gardens last summer, they had to drag me along with a rope attached to the SUV because I definitively did not want to see or hear those gigantic monsters. Yet, there I was, facing the sign of the hugest wooden roller coaster I have ever seen.
Glancing at the precautions posted on the sign sent chills down my spine; it was 90 degrees outside, but my anxiety made me shiver. The screams the riders made as they plummeted down the highest peak made my heart palpitate faster. I was losing consciousness
Kenrick! My sister caught my attention. Please ride with us! The desperation on her face could have made God crumble.
I was at a standstill: to ride or not to ride? I was making the toughest decision in my life. Beads of sweat started to form on my forehead. The theme music of Jeopardy played in my mind.
Yes! Ill do it!
Why did I say yes? I thought about it and realized that all those times I avoided riding roller coasters were times I missed spending quality time with my family. When will I have another opportunity to be with them? I was petrified of roller coasters, but I decided at that moment to let go of my inhibitions and get in line.
Waiting in line was torture. I was so nervous that my heart was pumping hard enough to make my blood seep through my skin. After 30 minutes, it was our turn; we sat, put on our seatbelts, and WHOOOOOSH!
The roller coaster immediately sprung to life and zipped across the tracks in 200 mph! Down we went! Up we soared! I couldnt help but scream like a girl in a boy band concert throughout the whole ride!
After the ride finished, my voice was strained from all that hollering, yet I still managed to yell to my sister:
That was EXCELLENT! Can we do it again?
For the first time, I rode five roller coasters in one day. This was a consequential event because I never thought I can overcome my phobia. This has taught me that fear should never keep you from trying something that could be fun. I now take that attitude and apply it to academics. Before, I was intimidated by social studies and art courses. Now, I am debating whether I should take AP World History or Architectural Design next semester. I am also less timid, more willing to initiate conversations than worry about faux pauses. Imagine: coming of age after taking a roller coaster ride!
</code></pre>
<p>superb essay! i really got a great feel for your personality and your strength/courage. if harvard so much as hesitates for a moment in taking you, it's really their loss. i don't care what your test scores are...this is one of the BEST college essays i have EVER read!</p>
<p>I don't know, I was kind of affronted by the opening sentence. The tone is very familiar, and I tried to keep a reasonable distance in my essays to the big schools. But maybe they want familiarity. It definitely shows character, though.</p>
<p>the only quality time you get to spend with your family is on minute long rollercoaster rides? dont know how much talking you do on those</p>
<p>in my opinion the experience of comign out of your shell should be the first paragraph, max half the essay, and the rest should focus on the implications for the rest of your life, ie taking daring courses and entering more social situations</p>
<p>I agree with spydertennis. The main thesis was good, but you didn't develop it well. It could have been a simple story about something extraordinary, but unfortunately, it turned out too cliched. Try a few different approaches leading up to actually going on the roller coaster. Don't make it too melodramatic, but convey your emotions more.</p>
<p>It's a little too formulaic in my opinion... e.g. part 1: obstacle, part 2: overcome obstacle, part 3: state what you learned. I think that your conclusion could be a little bit more subtle. Michele Hernandez addresses this point well in her book Acing the College Application. Another great read would be Harry Baulds, On Writing the College Application Essay.</p>
<p>"I was making the toughest decision in my life." - a little dramatic, don't you think?</p>
<p>A small tweak: are your friends "loved ones" ?</p>
<p>Grammar issues - the first paragraph is in the present tense, but the second is in the past. This feels a little clunky. The final paragraph also doesn't work - it feels as if you've (sorry, your "friend") suddenly remembered to talk about schoolwork. It has other minor problems, and some might view it as being a little trite, but it's certainly not a bad starting point at all.</p>
<p>so? You clearly don't want us to think it's yours because you consider it bad. It really doesn't matter whose it is. It requires some drastic improvements.</p>
<p>apajas, your response was really interesting. what made my friend's essay interesting to you because every1 here thinks it's bad-mediocre. y did u like it? and could u describe urself a bit, if u don't mind? r u a college student? im sure my friend would like to know the only person in this board who liked his essay THIS much...</p>
<p>now that I think about it, the essay was too much of a narrative. It gave the notion of being contrived, and you don't want that. The key is to make it flow more naturally. It must retain structure, but shouldn't be overly rigid. There are grammar problems, and I'd have chosen slightly different vocab for some spots, but those are minor problems until the entire essay is improved.</p>
<p>Regarding the tone: these are admissions officers, not the royal family of England. I think it's okay to use the second person.</p>
<p>The essay is fine and well-written. The only problem is that it's about--well--it's about riding roller coasters. The "frivolous topic" essay can be done well--heck, I did it myself--but it needs to tell us more about the applicant. A cliched story of overcoming minor adversity doesn't really do it. This one tries at the end, but I'm not so sure I'm convinced. A slightly different example of this genre I've heard of is the applicant's story of overcoming his shyness by taking a job selling vacuum cleaners door-to-door. Again, it's a somewhat humorous topic and talks about personal growth, but it shows initiative and desire for self-improvement on the part of the applicant, whereas this one could be boiled down to "and then I realized I liked brussels sprouts / other guys / professional wrestling"</p>
<p>i like your tone for the most part of the essay. light and humorous. however, it really doesn't show too much about you as a person. you need to extend the theme into other aspects of your life.</p>