<p>I graduated from a top BS many, many years ago, but I doubt the downsides are all that different now, except perhaps in degree. Here are the ones I’d want to be aware of:</p>
<p>The move from being a big, smart fish in your hometown pond to being a mediocre fish in the highly competive lake is very, very stressful. I still remember the shock of finding out my best-in-our-county scores were kind of middle of the road at my new school. This can really cause a kid to question who they are and what is their value to the world, which makes them more susceptible to…</p>
<p>Substance abuse and illicit sexuality are very common indeed. If this was true decades ago when I was there, I am sure it is even more so now. There’s just no way any amount of supervision can keep a group of very smart teens they’re unrelated to away from this stuff. The ego-blow of finding out you aren’t all that unusually smart can tempt you to try to fit in at all costs instead. Ugh.</p>
<p>As another poster mentioned, sadness and loneliness can be a lot harder to deal with away from home. Also, and this is pretty important, a student who’s bullied or feeling disliked or ragged on has <em>no</em> haven. School is home most of the time. You don’t go home to a hug from mom every day.</p>
<p>Probably the biggest downside is that you, the parent, lose the fellowship and influence you’d have from having your child in your home everyday for those very critical years of high school. You will always be mom and dad and I’d hope you’d stay as involved as you can, but truthfully, you just can’t be there for those late night talks that can change the course of a life.</p>
<p>We decided not to send our children back to the BS I graduated from. It had a lot of upsides, too - especially in giving me a passion for scholarly reading, but the downsides were just too great for our family. We chose to homeschool instead, so our children could have the same kind of very challenging academic environment in high school and the freedom of doing unusual things and pursuing their passions without the downsides I’d remembered.</p>
<p>Since we’re on the big fish/small pond>big pond idea here, I’d also like to note that for many students, the perception of being “mediocre” is not necessarily accurate (and for some it is). I agree with SinkOrSwim that it can be a worthwhile experience. But it’s also a different experience for a high school freshman, who is just developing that sense of who he or she is apart from his or her parents, than it is for a college freshman who’s at least been through the worst of the throes of adolescence. </p>
<p>Worthiness aside, the experience is certainly stressful, and for some, insurmountable. The flip side is, of course, that students are surrounded by peers who operate at their level. But we are talking about downsides, so that’s where I was going.</p>
<p>As for huguenot’s comment about substance abuse and “illicit sexuality” I would argue that they are everywhere. As a former homeschooling parent with quite a number of friends whose families homeschool through high school, I have seen plenty of hanky panky among the older kids (some of whom surprise their very vigilant parents). And substance abuse can be found everywhere. One can hope to raise a kid who won’t get involved (after all, the majority don’t, and even many of those who do are “experimenters” at best), either at home or away.</p>
<p>I do think health issues, whether large like eating disorders or more mundane like colds and such, can be exacerbated if a school is not on top of it. I know of a recent student at a large HADES school who was not taken very seriously for a persistent cough until the parents stepped in, took the student to the family doctor, and learned that their kid had pertussis. I’m guessing that degree of what seems to me like negligence is NOT typical, but it can exist.</p>
<p>I’d agree with this estimate of 10-20% and this was at a smaller school. I was surprised by the level of attrition for academic, social and disciplinary issues. Attrition is much higher than at a public HS which surprises me because the students are hand-picked. It’s almost as if the BS schools are not up to handling any issues but would rather punt on a student ASAP and back-fill them with a new student.</p>
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<p>I experienced this as well. I found very little individual one-on-one type support from the teachers. I expected much more especially considering how much money is being shelled out. The classes are a lot smaller (like half or less) than a public HS but the ability to get 1:1 time is limited.</p>
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<p>Saw this as well as child had a stress fracture from running and it was not picked up by the school’s coaches or trainers. If we hadn’t insisted on going to a podiatrist, the problem could have become very serious.</p>
<p>All-in-all, I’d say the BS hype does not agree with the BS reality - maybe that’s what they call them BS.</p>
<p>The attrition rate–whether 1% or 20%–is a sign of a few things I think are relevant to the OP’s original concern.</p>
<p>First, students are dismissed from boarding school for things that they would not be dismissed for at public or many private schools–drinking in a dorm room, for example, has far more serious consequences than drinking at a private party in a ps student’s hometown. Plagiarism that might mean an F on a paper in another setting can lead to dismissal. I don’t have any problem with policies like these–but they are well worth thinking about ahead of time, as what some might see as typical rites of passage for adolescents can have far-reaching negative consequences for kids (especially those on FA) who make mistakes.</p>
<p>Second, illness or injury or eating disorder or depression or sloppy work habits that would be obvious to the average parent will often slip by dorm parents and teachers. I can’t blame the advisers and teachers for this–there’s a big difference between three kids that you see at the dinner table and 20 in a dorm–but we parents are still the ones who need to spot signs of trouble, and it’s way harder (though not impossible) to do that when the child is miles (maybe hundreds or thousands of miles) away. Problems that could be nipped early at home can sometimes spiral out of control and lead to voluntary attrition. That’s why I put so much stress on an active adviser-parent relationship, and don’t really subscribe to the “no news is good news” philosophy of parent-kid contact.</p>
<p>Finally, it’s hard when a dorm-mate or friend leaves school (often with very little warning). The student is gone, not just from class or a sports team, but from meals and the dorm and week-end frisbee. There’s a hole there that’s just not going to fill.</p>
<p>Kids getting killed in drunk-driving accidents are connected to these rites of passage. Boarding schools remove drinking and driving from the equation. Kids are held accountable for drinking, smoking, bullying, etc., all the usual activities that high school kids engage in. The BS delivers real-life accountability for an individual’s actions and, IMHO is one of the benefits of a BS that is superior to the public school environment.</p>
<p>When a student is tossed out due to their own actions, it sends a strong message to the other students and is a huge positive factor in reinforcing school code of conduct. Most of these kids disappear overnight so the message is immediate and powerful.</p>
<p>It is important for children to learn accountability. Some schools have a One-Strike-and-you’re-out policy, other schools exercise different levels of leniency.</p>
<p>Prospective families should weigh in choosing schools, the level of forgiveness for transgressions that they are comfortable with.</p>
<p>In real-life, people don’t vanish overnight because they’ve broken the rules–even big rules. So while I agree that immediate dismissal is a huge factor in reinforcing school rules, whether it is a positive or negative factor will be seen differently by different people. As GMT points out, that’s something for families to carefully weigh.</p>
<p>Again, I’m not arguing against these policies; personally, I think they’re a necessary part of keeping communities composed almost entirely of teenagers functioning at such high levels. And it’s possible that they save lives. But just saying: it can be very hard.</p>
<p>IMO the issues that have arisen can be found anywhere. The BS environment lessens dramatically the down sides that all teenagers face. Other than just missing them and having them around, the down sides just don’t compare with the drama that unfolds at home with the PS.</p>
<p>Let’s be clear that this is being done for the BS benefit, not the students. They don’t want the cost, hassle or potential legal liabilities involved. The commitment to individual students is limited - the student has prepaid for the year and the BS can go get someone else to fill the bed/chair for the upcoming year.</p>
<p>I think you may be surprised at how many students do not want D&A on their campus and are not always willing to turn a blind eye to those transgression that may mar their year. Breaking the rules does not benefit anyone and deeply hurts the students, faculty, parents and friends of the school. The commitment to the student(s) is beyond reproach. A disgruntled parent or student will likely disagree. I apologize for getting the thread off track.</p>
<p>Lake - it protects the school AND it helps reinforce the honor code for the rest of the student body. IMO, these outcomes are equally important. If the school bore no liability for an infraction, they would still boot a miscreant with equal speed and vigor</p>
<p>Years of experience in top-ranked NE boarding schools means I can’t resist reinforcing a few notes and adding others on this thread.</p>
<p>VelveteenR’s point about the second year being a big academic step up in difficulty from the first is well-founded. The 9th grade/4th form/Prep year, whatever a school calls it, usually selects advisors who will work closely with students on study skills as well as the usual advising issues. Class assignments such as papers and projects are structured to guide students more directly in how to proceed. The material in courses such as English and history is often a significant leap in reading level. Second semester sophomore year is where a lot of students who have been able to get by on good notetaking and review skills sometimes realize that’s not going to be enough for a good grade anymore–that more critical and original analysis will be required. The same is actually true for good independent day schools as well. </p>
<p>friendlymom, you are right to notice how little margin boarding school life gives kids. Nobody has time to read for pleasure during the school year and down time gets filled up with laundry, socializing and stressing. </p>
<p>The previous advice from Classicalmama to create a strong relationship with your child’s advisor is excellent. That is the person who can advocate for your child, speak with authority about him or her in faculty meetings, coach and closely advise him or her when struggles arise. And do not ignore the Dorm Parent/Dorm Master/whatever they are called. When we were in the dorm, we were astonished at how few parents bothered to find time to talk to us. It was all about academics or sports for them. It’s the dorm parent who sees the studying or lack of it, sees the unhappiness, is there at night. Check in with them. </p>
<p>Most boarding schools are really jocky places (with notable exceptions). For athletic kids, that’s a dream. For others, it can be painful. There is always lip service to the arts being as valued as sports and that has improved a lot over the last twenty years. But there is still something in the boarding environment that rewards sports disproportionally.</p>
<p>Lake-
That is not the case at any school I am aware of. Additionally, most schools do not “fill beds” when a student is dismissed. Yes, there may be an additional spot in the next year but rarely do schools (that aren’t hurting for funds) fill empty spots during the year. I understand your cynicism but the teachers that create school rules/culture became teachers because they love working with high school students, kicking out a student is not just hard on other students but hard on faculty and the community alike and it is not taken lightly or simply done to “protect” the school.</p>
<p>The bed is already pre-paid for the year. I meant the following year the bed is filled with a transfer student. Hence, dismissals have no net negative cost to the school.</p>
<p>CollCouns and VelveteenR:
I agree completely with establishing a great relationship with the adviser of your student, however in our case that appears to be easier said than done. DC has had a rough first term adjusting and the communications with advisor are frantic at times and non-existent at others. Follow up is lacking both with us and seemingly with child. So how does one communicate with the school besides through the adviser?</p>
<p>People who talk about communication with the advisor/house parent etc. as being some kind of cure-all are being pollyanna. We’ve dealt with three advisors. One of the three was great, but not exactly a big communicator. She solved a few problems but glossed over others. The other two were not good at all. The point is - you have very limited bandwidth to communicate with the advisors and at the end of the day the students are not their kids. Their interest is limited and the demands on their time are many - including their own personal lives.</p>
<p>Divided - that’s delicate. Go around the adviser to admin and you may make it tougher on your child, not to mention cement a helicoptering reputation if that’s how you lean. On the other hand, if there’s real stress and a real problem, maybe you can dial in closer - with a relevant faculty member, or coach, or prefect. But, in my view, it’s better to rough it out with an adviser. Keep in mind, your child is not his/her only charge. Also, not every adviser is a great match to parents or kids. In some ways, it’s part of the boarding school experience to have the occasional bum relationship and learn how to deal with it. This stuff is all “individual case basis” and it’s impossible to counsel from afar. Hang in there.</p>
<p>ThacherParent:
Delicate…exactly. It is not that we dislike adviser, great person but as a new faculty member, adviser lacks the experience to always direct DC on proper path. Parent’s weekend visits allowed us the opportunity to meet teachers, but left us with many questions and concerns unanswered. A plan was developed for help, but a few weeks later, we have seen very little follow through to that plan.</p>
<p>This, unfortunately, is an all too common BS experience. And even worse, there’s little you can do about it because as ThacherParent said if you try to intervene more, it’s likely to back fire on you and your child. The BS are holding all the cards and will circle the wagons against the parent if they sense trouble.</p>