He can celebrate privately with the OP’s wife. Would you insist one of your children attend something that she absolutely dreads? Isn’t that being selfish? Father knows what’s going on and chooses to ignore it.
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I would not insist- because that’s not my style.
But I see all around me people (with the best of intentions) co-opting strategies that are helpful in the case of sexual abuse, drub abuse, etc. (I think No Contact with the uncle who abused you as a child is absolutely the answer) and are applying to situations like the cake plate I alluded to above.
I’ve got a Baker’s Dozen of friends and family members who have gone to nuclear option on family situations where-- as a somewhat insider on these relationships- really don’t need to be. Toxic family member you see three times a year but who isn’t putting you or your kids in harms way? Show up, grit your teeth, and resolve that when the elderly family member who wants the gathering is dead, you’ll be done with the farce.
I think people have weaponized some of the techniques used in the therapeutic community for very serious cases of family dysfunction, enabling illegal and dangerous behaviors, etc. So now you have a sibling who grabbed mom’s engagement ring without asking anyone when mom had dementia and couldn’t provide consent? How about calling your sibling and saying “According to mom’s will, her jewelry is to be divided evenly. So before I call the lawyer, how about we take the ring to a jeweler, get it appraised, and sell it so we both end up ahead?”
No. In these cases it’s “No Contact”. Over a ring with huge sentimental value (I get it, I’m a jewelry lover) but probably worth 3K. So call the sibling, sell the ring. Better for your mental health than agitating over your grabby entitled no boundaries selfish sibling, no?
OP- ignore this if it doesn’t apply to you. But I’m betting that the energy required to “ignore” the sister won’t come back as peace and harmony. For starters, you’ve got Dad asking at the “private celebration”- “Why wouldn’t you come to dinner last week, are you still grinding over the dog business?” And then you need to rehash it all over again- your toxic BIL, your selfish sister, all the reasons why they are liars and don’t respect boundaries… that takes energy.
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One of my favorite sayings
“Can’t you just suck it up for a couple of hours, then you can go back to hating each other”
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Would I be hurt if my child refused to celebrate my birthday with me because they were fighting with their sibling? Yes, I would.
Way to make it all about them and not about their dad!
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Me too… it’s really unfortunate when people get petty over differences in life when there are other options.
But everyone has the right to do them, even if it hurts others and makes them look bad.
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You are taking it out of context. Dad can celebrate with her, just without the sister’s family. He can have 2 celebrations. Nobody is refusing to celebrate his birthday, just not together. He should respect that. Just because you are the father, you cannot make demands on your adult children.
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Sure, that’s what will have to be Plan B, but no, it’s not the same and I’d still be sad plus a bit angry with the sibling that caused it to have to be that way by not coming to the main celebration.
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It’s definitely not the same. And it’s definitely the grown kids messing up Dad’s birthday.
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That’s our difference. I will not exert any emotional blackmail to any of my children. I will just be happy to be anyone of them, together or separately. Many people have children living all over the country and thus not able to celebrate birthdays with everyone present. As parents I just count my blessings and be satisfied that I can celebrate with each one of them.
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We are not privy to the whole history but if OP’s wife feels great hurt because her dad was complicit in sister’s emotional maltreatment of OP’s wife, then it may be in wife’s best interest to skip birthday dinner with dad this year.
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It’s interesting that some here put all the onus on the OP’s wife to “suck it up” and make peace for the “sake of the dad” and none on the offending sibling to address her and BIL’s poor behavior.
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My adult kids don’t live near me and I haven’t seen them on my actual birthday for years. The adults do wish each other happy birthday and send gifts. I’ve never expected my adult children to make a big deal about my birthday or travel to see me because of it. But no big hoopla in general about adult birthdays. Is this going to be a milestone birthday, is everyone local and the expectation is that everyone has to get together for birthdays and holidays?
Hope everything works out and this incident doesn’t lead to permanent estrangement.
@cbreeze ,we crossposted on this issue.
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You knw what? In this situation, it seems that it’s worth saying that life is long. OP’s wife can make a decision whether she wants to cut contact for now, seek professional help to sort out her feelings, whatever. There will be another birthday next year. And if there isn’t? I don’t see OP’s wife having big regrets about putting herself in emotional harm’s way if she worries that her dad will bring up the issue of her sister and urge reconciliation. My dad did that with me regarding my daughter and the rottweiler, and I told him that my daughter came first and there was no way I would take her to her uncle’s (very tiny) apartment when she was terrified of the dog.
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We’re among these many people and rarely get together for actual birthdays due to it. That’s a totally different scenario I suspect.
Otherwise, having been brought up with a significant shunning situation and living with one now, I just feel really fortunate that my kids don’t feel the need to do similarly.
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I’ve seen a lot of posts stating that the sibling and BIL were wrong. There are very few supporting them.
But people can’t change others. They can only change their response.
If the sibling or BIL had posted, “Can you believe they were upset about the dog going in his own house???” I think a lot of us would have said, yes, especially if we knew there had been an agreement beforehand.
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Is the SIL and BIL refusing a family birthday dinner too?
If they had asked for advice I would definitely have told them a thing or two, but they didn’t ask for advice and the OP’s wife can only control her own actions, not her sister’s.
I think the OP and wife would be in the wrong not to attend their Dad’s birthday celebration, but I have seen this stuff play out and families be estranged because of it. If that’s what they want, then that’s the road they’re going down.
When I had tensions in my family with my siblings, I did grit my teeth and work through it. I don’t have a super close relationship with my siblings now, but it is better than it was at the worst (and we weren’t just fighting over a dog, we were fighting over my parents’ declining health and their care). We are not estranged now and were not when my parents died. I saw both my brother and sister a few months ago for a family dinner at my brother’s.
Y’all are just setting up a bad scenario when Dad’s health begins to decline and the siblings have to deal with it, and end of life care, and his death, and disbursement of his debts/assets.
Gonna get real nasty if you can’t even deal with a dog and dad’s birthday.
IMO, they both need to put on their big girl britches and deal. They are acting like children. Act like adults. Would you do this at the workplace? Telling everyone in the office, “I’m not going to Susan’s birthday celebration, because she brought her dog to work and you know I hate dogs!”, when your whole office is going to be there, including your manager. You don’t have to be best friends, but be civil and polite. Make an appearance. Talk about the weather. Wish Dad many happy returns.
Of course not because they got what they wanted: to have their sacred pooch inside with the family and for the BIL to tell the OP’s wife to suck it up or leave all with zero repercussions. I’m sure they’ll show right up to the dinner.
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Except Susan did not show you the door after you complained of the dog and did not tell you to pick the dog or resign, did she? That’s an important detail. 
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I don’t equate workplace and family but I understand your perspective to a degree. I’ve reached the point in my life that I’m not surrounding myself with people who do not contribute positively to my wellbeing. I’ve done the go along to get along and it’s draining, much more draining than just stepping back from interacting with them all together. Understandably not everyone agrees with that philosophy. Ultimately OP and his wife will assess how important maintaining the familial bonds are to them.
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