Are your parents still alive? Because when they die you have to interact with your siblings on some level. After the estate is settled you can cut off contact, but before then it’s tricky because you are usually going to have to deal with each other around the parents’ health and death and estate. It’s much better to have a civil relationship with your siblings during that end of life stage. BTDT, it sucks.
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No fear of dogs here, but ShawWife is allergic to dogs and cats (as well as lots of other things). Per @deb922, I am amazed at how many people think their dog is so cute that miraculously ShawWife won’t be allergic to it. Virtually everyone we know has one to two dogs (and a few have several cats). As a consequence, we typically entertain at our house so that she won’t have to deal with the allergic reactions. Some people will remove the dogs/cats for the period that we are there (she’s still allergic but a little less so). But generally, we try to avoid the problem situations. Where people are not accommodating, we don’t go back but we don’t create a big issue. They somehow don’t think the allergies are real. My guess is that SIL/BIL don’t believe that OP’s wife’s fear is real. (“If you just spend time with our wonderful dog, you would love him as much as we do.”)
I think several people including @blossom’s suggestions are on target. Schedule an event for the whole family in place that precludes accompaniment by dogs – go to a museum or go to a restaurant that won’t allow dogs. Then the offending dog-owners can decide whether to attend or not. If SIL/BIL choose not to come or insist on bringing the dog and staying outside, it is on them.
I think I might also call the offending SIL and in a constructive manner, try to understand what happened. Given that she and SIL had an agreement, did SIL not communicate with her husband or did they have a change of heart?
I doubt we would ever visit SIL/BIL again but would include them in family activities that didn’t involve dogs.
There are also treatments for phobias. See for example:
In our case,ShawWife is also thinking of treatment. ShawD now has a dog and ShawSon wants to get one (but he should probably wait until he and his wife are not working 17 hour days). ShawWife has talked with an allergist about getting shots (the first allergist does not seem to want to give them for reasons that don’t seem to make complete sense) so she has an appointment with a second one.
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As I’ve said before there are 3 sides to every story. Judging from the BIL’s reaction that was reported, I’m guessing there are segments of the interaction that have been left out.
I agree that’s a consideration. No both of my parents passed a number of years ago. My sister and I were co-executors. Things went smoothly.
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I think a better analogy would be Susan saying well you can leave my office or party or team if you don’t want to be around my dog. I don’t think Sis and BIL were kicking the wife out of the family. That would be equivalent to resigning.
So sometimes you go to stuff where you know you’re not going to be vibing with everyone there (you hate their spouse or whatever) and you go and make an appearance and then come up with an excuse to leave early.
I agree that the sisters probably neither one understand the other’s feelings about the dog. The sister with the dog probably doesn’t understand how anyone could be afraid of 150 lb fluffy! And the OP’s wife obviously doesn’t understand why they wouldn’t put it away (sometimes that just doesn’t work — my 22 yr old’s dog has separation anxiety and would be barking the whole time and tearing stuff up). Obviously the best solution is not to have the dog and OP’s wife in the same location and get together at a neutral location, WHICH IS WHAT DAD WANTS! and OP’s wife is refusing to compromise on a neutral location.
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Why do you think they think their pooch is sacred? Maybe it cries and barks if left outside. I do not like the sound of barking dogs, mine or others. I do not like the sound of crying children, mine or others. I like dogs, but like most dog owners don’t think they belong everywhere or that everyone likes them, I like kids, but like most parents don’t think they belong everywhere or that everyone likes them. I have a dog, if you are allergic or fearful have no issue with you not coming over, I’m allergic to cats, I don’t expect you to prepare your home for my issues. When I had small children (loud, crying, sticky) feel free to stay away, invite me to your home, I will gladly leave them home. And don’t worry, I’d never ask to bring my dog. I’m curious if the BIL agreed to put the dog away or said no. I’m curious if the wife, who was having second thoughts, wants to drop it but her husband does not (because it’s only been a year and an act this egregious needs a few more years to be forgiven. I would’ve called my sister the next day, said ■■■, thought we had a plan.
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A few answers for clarity. We just celebrated Easter at our house like normal with SIL#1, Niece & FIL. And of course my two goofballs I mean children. D19 came home from college. My wife actually said it was a nice time to her.
We would totally take my FIL out for dinner to celebrate his bday with my family and SIL#1.
My wife is just not going to be in the same place with SIL#2 at this time. I think SIL#2 would go to a dinner where we were in attendance. But she doesn’t think she did anything wrong. She probably doesn’t believe in my wife’s fear which has grown worse over time. During the 31 years I have been around my wife she hasn’t been around dogs much at all and the times she has she has not liked it.
I could fill up some pages about the times my wife looked passed many things. Of course many of those things the others involved would not think they were in the wrong either. I think she just said to herself she is too old to be dealing with this petty bs and she is moving on.
As my wife and have gotten older our patience for people who don’t treat you right/well has grown thin. Basically we are going to match other people’s effort to get together. And if you don’t do right by us we are just going to move on. I just don’t have the energy or want to play games with people.
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I have a dog. Have had them for 20+ years. They’re always small…under 15lbs but when friends brought their kids over who were afraid of dogs, I simply put the dog in her crate. We trained them go in there from a very young age. They didn’t bark. They knew that they would stay in there and at some point they would be let out when everyone went home. I’m not saying everyone needs to train their dogs that way. But I also understand from the OP that his wife’s phobia isn’t recent. The sister knew of her fear bc they actually discussed it. I don’t know how or why the brother-in-law is involved. I’m not sure why he’s injected himself into this whole scenario. I don’t know if the sister-in-law didn’t bother to discuss it with her husband. IMO the particulars aren’t relevant. The OP’s wife went to the sister’s house under agreed upon conditions which the SIL and BIL subsequently ignored and then the BIL piled on and basically told her she could leave if the dog bothered her. All the while the dad is just sitting there, says nothing. Did he call his daughter later to see if she was ok? To perhaps empathize with her? If I’m the OP’s wife why would I want to celebrate with my dad? I’d be as angry with him as I am with the sister. He’s all “come celebrative my birthday”. Maybe he’s truly obtuse, or a narcissist. My best friend’s dad is exactly that way. It’s all about him. Wouldn’t give a hoot how any of his kids are feeling or getting along. Just show up and kiss the ring. Or maybe these sisters have had a prickly relationship most of their lives and the dad never gets involved.
I also would have called my sister. Probably that night. Or in reality I’d probably have asked her and her obnoxious husband to come outside and discuss it before I left. But that’s me. As I said before, it’s really how the OP’s wife wants to proceed regarding her familial relationship going forward. Personally I’d do a separate dinner. If the dad asks why I’d tell him: because your other kid and her husband treated me poorly and I have no interest in eating dinner with either of them.
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This says volumes. If she loves her sister and cares about her well-being she would believe her and do what she can to make her sister comfortable when she visits her home.
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My D23 has lots of food allergies. We have dealt with this since she was 2. In all our time my wife’s family was our most difficult group to deal with when my D23 was eating. Our friends were always very open and up front about what was being served. My wife never asked people to make anything special for D23 we just needed to know if we needed to bring something for D23 to a place. Getting what was being served from my wife’s family was always a production. My wife just didn’t want to find out the night before that say a cake wouldn’t be safe and then have to scramble to make something. But if you asked what was being served too early it just would be an issue/ordeal.
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Sometimes the toxicity is so great that for you own mental health, you need to move on.
There have been many occasions where I’m so frustrated, upset, angry and trying to appease everyone. It’s exhausting. I know that feeling your wife had of peace and joy at a family holiday.
It’s not about the dog. The dog was just the last straw.
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This speaks volumes!
A lack of respect, a constant and continuous lack of understanding and respect for your issues.
Let me guess, the sister is upset when you don’t cater to her issues?
So instead of this being “Family Falling Apart,” the REAL topic is about how your wife has decided to set boundaries for herself with an extended family member who probably has a long track record of stepping on boundaries.
When the extended family motto for many years has been ‘DON’T ROCK THE BOAT,’ when one person decides to get out of the boat, everybody else whose job it is to steady the boat against the manipulative/clueless/toxic/narcissistic/whatever-your-favorite-term-is person from messing up the boat…THOSE people get mad.
Why?
Because you’ve stopped playing the game. You got out of the boat and got into your own boat…and realized that the sea is actually quite calm, not topsy turvy like everybody said it was.
Your wife decided that she’s getting out of the boat. And getting into her own…with you and your immediate family.
There’s nothing wrong with that.
Be prepared for Flying Monkeys to come approach you & Wife in the coming days/weeks/months every time there’s some sort of excuse for a Grand Extended Family Poop-tacular where everyone will be expected to play Happy Family. The Flying Monkeys will try to pressure you to just suck it up. Decide what your terms are (i.e., no dog present, or whatever), communicate that to everyone clearly, and then stick to it.
Everyone else will eventually get tired of whatever the stupid games are that the problematic relative is playing. The difference now will be that since your wife is no longer there to be a buffer to it, they’ll have to deal with it directly more often.
They’ll learn. Or they won’t. That’s ok. You’re not in the boat with them anymore. And that will be a good thing.
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I got out of the boat. It’s not popular and it’s not alway easy.
My sibling has had a truly tragic life. I feel terrible for them.
But I can’t put up with the circus anymore. The insults. The demeaning. The gas lighting.
Recent events have shown to those who were maybe critical of my stance that the situation is untenable.
I’ll be polite. But I’m off that boat.
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This info about your D23’s food allergies also helps put the situation w/SIL2’s dog into a broader perspective.
Your ILs refusal to say whether there will be food available that won’t make D23 sick is, frankly, just rude, to put it politely. What the heck is wrong with them?
In our extended family, we have a lot of special food needs. In May of next year, we’re going to have all of them at our house for D24’s HS graduation party. Food restrictions include:
- couple of people who are diabetic, so need low carb
- couple of people who eat keto
- 2 people with celiac disease. 1 of the celiac disease people has issues w/cross-contamination, so, for example, need to keep the gluten-ed food serving utensils and everything away from all of the gluten-free stuff.
- 1 person with an allergy to sulfites (has to carry an epi pen for it)
Despite all that, we will manage to not serve anything that will send anybody to the hospital. DH is in charge of providing assurances to his relatives, I’m in charge of providing assurances to our relatives, and that includes telling them all what food we’re serving, what the ingredients are, etc.
So it’s not just SIL2’s dog. It’s also them repeatedly ignoring your kid’s food allergies. Probably a long track record of them demonstrating through their behavior that you’re just not important to them.
So forget my previous posts where I said that your wife should suck it up and go to the restaurant dinner. Forget it. Celebrate individually w/FIL and call it a day.
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Wow. Forget the dog. I don’t think we’re all talking enough about the BIL. Who tells family they should leave a party? This seems like we’re in last straw/had-it-up-to-here territory. Someone’s had it with someone. This rift didn’t happen in isolation. So back to the BIL. What’s this guy’s deal?
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I’ve been curious about the same thing about the BIL but we don’t have all the details. I only have one sister and we have had our fair share of disagreements but we’ve always been able to sort things out and not let anything linger too long. I feel for those of you that have major issues or estrangement with siblings .
The sisters might need a sit down , and possibly the brothers in law with each other too. But again, we don’t know the whole story.
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I think the OP came here because he was really upset about this situation and wanted to hear what other people had to say. He’s provided a lot more information, as posters here requested it.
As I wrote last night, I don’t think it was about the dog. But when you’re in the cast of participants, it can be difficult to sort out exactly what happened and how to proceed given what was learned by the event in question. I hope these posts have been helpful to OP, and to his wife as well.
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I don’t want to take this down to too deep a place, but my relationship with my sister improved after my sister finally divorced her horrible dh. I couldn’t understand why she constantly chose him and his family over ours. We were never close, but the tension really ratcheted up to a new level. Turns out he was emotionally abusive. The final straw sounds like something out of a Dateline episode. Once she divorced him she became more open about his behaviors.
The truth is we really don’t know what happens behind closed doors. I don’t know why the BIL was such an ass. Again, they were wrong. I still maintain that I don’t see a reason why the dad had to choose sides in this situation. That’s what continues to stick out to me and makes OP’s wife seem more wounded than this particular slight merits, IMO. Is her problem with the sister or the dad? In an effort to set boundaries, is she overcorrecting?
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I too had wondered about whether there was something darker going on with the BIL.
Also wondered if the dog-owning SIL has kids .
(Just thinking about some of the things that have stressed relationships in my family in a way that seems irrational. )
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