Family Falling Apart

Parents Forum Parent Cafe
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BlockquoteBut again- try role playing this-- your wife had the luxury of first going part time, then staying at home full time, then getting a Master’s degree. That means a certain amount of financial flexibility (i.e. being married to a guy-- YOU-- with a stable income). Don’t you think your sister-in-law ever looked over at her sister and thought- “Why does she get to stay home with her kids while I am grinding out at work?”

There was no luxury in what we did. I am not saying this to get some medal from everyone here or looking for pity. But my wife and I come from blue collar families. We were first gen college kids. We worked hard to get to a T20 school(easier to get into it back then compared to now). We graduated with debt and a lot it. Combined it would be like graduating with $130K now. We had to pay for 90% of our wedding. We lived a simple life for a long time. Dinner and movie meant you got popcorn at the movie and that was dinner. We didn’t go on a big honeymoon. We didn’t take vacations. Usually it was a driving vacation to see my family. We paid off the loans even the one directly to the in-laws. We drove cars into the ground. Recently we just a new car for my wife because her 13 year old one was falling apart. We decided it was best for our kids for my wife to stay home. Money was still tight. We were still frugal. My wife was able to go part-time when the kids got older and eventually full-time. Still at a job where she was overqualified, but the hours and location was good. Then eventually while full-time she did a Master’s program which was tough. Everyone had to pitch in.

We put in the work to make sure the girls did well in school. My wife worked with them early on. There were no tutors or private prep classes. Just old fashion making sure the kids did well. It broke my heart when D19 couldn’t pick her college without looking at cost. We weren’t able to save enough. She ended up a good school and will graduate with no debt. D23 is going to a slightly lesser school but on a full ride. For the first time in a long time we feel like we can breathe. We would sacrifice anything for the kids.

Life has been anything but easy and a luxury. But I would not trade it for anything in the world. I am married to the person I love more than anything in the world. We have been a team for a long time and will be for a long time in the future. We make each other better.

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"FIL wants everyone to get together to celebrate his bday in May. Wife said no. FIL doesn’t understand why we won’t sit at a table for dinner with them.

Wife is second guessing herself, but in the end we know we are right. We asked for something they agreed and then didn’t do it and got upset when we called them on it. I hate for my wife to have to go through this but these people honestly don’t think they did anything wrong."

OK, here’s some validation.

  1. FIL is flawed. That’s probably never changing.
  2. BIL is a toolbox. Who scolds kids on Christmas about the lovely wrapping paper mess?
  3. Your wife got a raw family deal. It happens.
  4. You and your wife made so many sacrifices for your children through the years and it sounds like they turned out fantastic. YOU. GUYS. WON.

You are right, but you need to let that go, IF ONLY because your wife is having 2nd thoughts, which means part of her wants to be there.

Now go be the peacemaker and convince your wife to go to the dinner. Be bigger than them. If anything, you’ll see once and for all whether her family has any capacity for future growth, and that might be the best knowledge of all.

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I love our cc community so much. I just want to start with that.

@gpo613, you and your wife sound much like dh and I. You’ve done all the “right” things. Your kids sound great, and life has turned out well. As I’ve said before, the BIL and SIL were wrong. BUT YOU CAN’T CHANGE THEM. That’s where I think the rub is for most of us.

Upthread, you gave a series of slights. I absolutely believe you that it felt “unfair” and that it hurt. But you are how old now? How long are y’all going to hold on to those things?

Quick example from my own family: My parents gave my older brother and sister money for a down payment for a home. They gave us nothing. Do you think that stung? Hell, yeah. I was wounded by that for a long time. But you know what they gave me that they didn’t give my siblings? Money for college. My sister dropped out her first semester to get married, and my brother went to a two-year trade school. Now, my mom never told me “Well, we spent $7k on your college education and feel like that set you up to be in a position to afford your nice, new home on your own,” but it was true. I came to that conclusion after about 20 years of harboring bitterness (not actively, but when I was feeling sorry for myself, that example was easy to pull up). I truly think that’s what she was thinking, but my parents weren’t the best in terms of honest, open communication. So was it “fair”? No, my siblings and I didn’t get the “same” help with a house. Would I go back and give up my college education for $500 toward my down payment so things were “fair”? Hell, no. I love my life and wouldn’t trade places with my sibs for anything.

So both things can be true – you’ve made good choices for your family and your wife’s family “seems” to have played some favorites, but you can still set boundaries and maintain a healthy relationship with her family, or at least her father, without compromising your principles.

I could be wrong, but judging by your kids’ ages my guess is you are younger than 60yo me. I really do think with age comes the ability to just let some of this crap go. I am a much happier 60yo than I was a 50yo. Wouldn’t trade the growth from the past 10 years for anything, not even a down payment on a house.

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I’m sure there’s ways to work that out. One solution could be to host the next party. Control is retained, no dogs, and everyone’s happy. I have a family of animal lovers, including myself. And we consider the dog to be a member of the family. For an inside dog, putting him outside when the social “pack” action is happening inside can be considered cruel to some. Not to say anyone is right or wrong…different preferences require negotiation, but our family lives by a golden rule. Whoever’s house we visit, they make the rules.

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H’s family gave us a 5K loans when we were struggling once telling H to never ask for money again. We paid it back with interest and never asked for money again. At that time we never went out except for once per month on our anniversary and sometimes that was at Taco Bell sharing a meal together because that’s all we could afford - a friend watching our kids so we could repay her in kind rather than money.

Later on in life we found out his dad gave his brother and wife 250K to invest in junk, and bought a house for them (held the unwritten mortgage). Due to poor investments they ended up declaring bankruptcy and he never got much of it back, taking a big loss. Since then they’ve bought more expensive toys for themselves, paying cash.

Yeah, that made us feel good and we still go WTH? H asked his dad how come his mom allowed that much money to go to his brother since they had told us not to even ask again. His dad replied that, “she didn’t know about it.”

We can’t control what we can’t control. Someday we might be able to save to buy similar toys ourselves (at least the RV to enjoy our older days wandering vs our tent).

It’s not worth holding a grudge. His folks were allowed to make their decisions.

We try to treat our kids more equally, but we don’t keep a ledger.

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Whoa!

Just to be clear, did your FIL give the money to your dh’s brother or your FIL’s brother?

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H’s brother, my BIL (and SIL). It was supposed to have been a loan, but…

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Wow. I am so curious why he’d do that and keep it a secret from his wife? I mean, clearly there is some level of guilt/subterfuge/deception to not be open about it. Feel free to msg me if there’s an answer! :rofl:

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We are as stymied about it as you are, from the time we first learned about it to this day. H doesn’t want to ask his dad about it any further and his mom ended up with Alzheimers and died in 2019, well after the first loan - closer to, though after the second, but maybe there were signs or something? The bankruptcy was more recent and is how H learned about it - when he found out his dad was being left out of the settlement. His dad wasn’t happy so shared.

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Thanks to everyone for all the comments and thoughts.

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I’m pretty sure we all wish you the best going forward! Take what you want from the thread and just consider the rest basic differences of human personality. We don’t all have to be the same - or react the same to situations.

There is definitely some comfort in knowing we’re (generic we) aren’t the only ones with less than perfect relatives!

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Another quick example of parents not being fair – this is from back in the olden days, but a good friend of mine’s grandmother paid for her son’s (my friend’s dad) FRIEND to go to college, but not her own son. She wanted the friend to marry her daughter (my friend’s aunt) and thought her own son could work his way through college. Friend and sister did not get married to my knowledge and my friend’s dad did get through college on his own. That grandmother was NOT my friend’s fave, but they had an ok relationship and her dad had a decent relationship with her too. The grandmother played favorites a lot, though, and apparently preferred my friend’s sister.

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Wow. Everyone gets to make their own choices, but wow. I can’t fathom that one. Both maybe, but not friend of son instead of son.

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Algorithm put this before me … or I saw it here?

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Yeah it was friend and not son. Granted this was ages ago so it didn’t cost like it does now but still! Who does that?!?

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That is just unbelievable. Wow.

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I hear ya.

FWIW, sometimes even when the grandparent is 15 min away from you, things don’t always turn out like it was originally planned.

When D24 was a year old, my MIL moved about 15 min away from us (she’d previously been living in another state). MIL basically retired at that point and offered to babysit D24 full time. “Great!” we thought.

It became obvious after a couple of months that this idea was kind of a disaster. Took us another 4-5 months to get D24 back into her prior daycare. MIL apparently wanted to be able to just willy nilly take a day off whenever she wanted, go out of town on a whim, etc. When D24 got sick, came down with a cold, etc., MIL would refuse to babysit. And we paid for all of the toys, baby care items, pack & play for kid to sleep in, car seat, diapers, food, everything for MIL’s house. Even provided an extra stroller so MIL could take our kiddo out on walks or down to the small park that’s 5 min walk from her house.

Instead, MIL & D24 never left the house. So for 6 solid months, our baby never saw outside Mon-Fri while DH & I were working. In addition to that, there was the constant passive-aggressive comments about how she didn’t feel we were appreciative enough.

…and did I forget to mention that part of this deal of us getting ‘free’ babysitting Mon-Fri was in exchange for us buying a house for MIL to live in? So MIL had no rent. MIL still lives in that house and I’m still paying the mortgage on it (it’s in our name, not hers)…all $$ that instead we should have been putting into a 529 college plan.

Oh…and then in month #3, she wanted us to pay her the same amount per month that we were paying the old daycare. Um…no. Forget it. So we went back to daycare. Best decision ever.

Out of desperation later on when the kids were in elementary school, we had to use MIL sometimes for summer daycare during specific weeks when there were no other options in our area. Lots of passive-aggressive commentary from MIL on that, too. Niece came to stay w/MIL during some of those weeks and MIL had 1 strict set of rules that applied to my kids, but a completely different, very lenient set of rules for Niece. MIL totally played favorites. Niece got away with behavior that my kids never would have been allowed to do (standing on the kitchen chair, feet on the dinner table, and other ridiculous nonsense).

For awhile, MIL also offered to babysit on a Fri or Sat evening so DH & I could go to the movies. We did that for awhile, but quickly learned that within the week of that happening, MIL would demand that my DH take HER to dinner and a movie. Yep, that’s right…my MIL wanted my DH to take HER out on a date within a few days of US going on a date.

So I stopped that, too. Got a lot of flack from certain relatives about that, but I didn’t care because you know what? It was TOTALLY messed up and dysfunctional.

My MIL still lives in that house. I’d really like to sell it to help make my kids’ college education more affordable, but pretty much can’t until MIL vacates the premises…either in an ambulance or by moving into an assisted living facility. She’s had a pretty nice, cushy retirement for 15 1/2 years now thanks to my DH & I supplementing her lifestyle and providing her with a free place to stay.

I wish that my MIL weren’t so manipulative, passive-aggressive, and self-absorbed. I wish that she had a closer relationship with my kids. She’s never interested in talking to them on the phone. Ever. It’s all about her. 24x7. All the time.

Like you, I wish that the situation was different. But it’s not. And it’s not ever going to be what I wish it could have been. I built in some personal boundaries years ago to kind of psychologically protect myself and my kids from the nonsense.

You and your wife doing the same has been a really good decision for your immediate family.

Your extended relatives…that’s extended family. Your REAL family is you, wife, kids. And dear friends who basically you’ve adopted into your family. As for the game playing among some of your relatives, well, let them go continue playing stupid games because they’ll continue winning stupid prizes.

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Please let us know what you and your wife decide to do about FIL’s birthday.

I fully understand your W’s feelings. (I am somewhat afraid of dogs and definitely don’t like them.)

I didn’t like the way some on this thread dismissed your W’s feelings, noting that they had suffered through much worse. It’s not a competition. And maybe family appearances above all else just isn’t as important to some people as it is to others.

And, since elder caregiving was mentioned on this thread, I do have to wonder…which sib has POA/HCPOA for FIL? What is going to happen if/when he needs caregiving help? I think your W has ample reason to back away from taking any lead on those kinds of decisions. And if it’s determined that FIL can’t possibly go into a facility, then I hope he moves in with SIL2 and BIL…and the DOG!

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Nobody has dismissed the wife’s feelings. Folks have pointed out that focusing 20 years worth of resentment (for legitimate reasons) on a single dinner and BIL’s boorish behavior is perhaps not the optimal way to deal with these relationships going forward. And therefore- people have offered experiences from their own lives to illuminate other possibilities.

There are lots of people who have nothing to do with their siblings and they are happy and thriving. If that’s the path forward for the OP’s wife-- Namaste.

But in my experience-- someone posting about a family issue on an anonymous message board usually still has some ambivalence to unpack. If the wife (and/or spouse) were 100% confident that they were in a good place, they’d be sitting in their kitchen drinking chamomile tea talking about whatever- instead of grinding on a dog, dinner, lack of childcare, a decades old divorce, swim meets, etc.

Agree that the ultimate irony would be for SIL and BIL to have to step up to the plate-- payback is a %^&*!

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I consider statements like this to be dismissive of the wife’s feelings.

“I want to be sympathetic but I’ve experienced much worse than what the OP describes and learned to ignore and move on.”

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