Thereby ensuring that OP’s wife will never see her father again? Several comments in this thread seem to suggest it would be no big deal to skip the birthday party for a year or two. But you never know when relatives are just going to die on you without warning.
My father died in the early days of the pandemic, and I certainly regret that we weren’t able to see each other more often (being 5000 miles apart). It was made much worse because I wasn’t able to visit my mother in the UK for another 18 months afterwards.
Threads like this rarely have a finite, agreed outcome. A question/situation is posed, and the responses and takes are going to really vary - because we all bring different experience, views, beliefs and baggage to the situation. Some post more bluntly than others, but can still be well meaning. Sure, there may be a few comments (out of 180 now) that appear to be bashing. Not bad odds in a slew of comments!
But agree that a little empathy goes a long way. For OP’s and for commenters!
I also have to throw out there that this hits home with me. But also, there are people (like myself) who just don’t feel the need to “see” people. I’m not a hugger. For me, a text is just as good as a phone call or as a gettogether. I do like DOING stuff with family people, but a birthday dinner or sitting in a house visiting? uh no. Having a back and forth text chat for 10 minutes is just as good for me - and yes, that does include my kids, even though I love them fiercely. Love doesn’t have anything to do with it. It’s just how I’m wired.
If something happened to my parents I definitely wouldn’t have any regrets that I didn’t see them more. Even if something happened to my brother, who I haven’t seen in many years - he’s estranged himself from everyone in the family, but me & H… I still wouldn’t feel that way. And love doesn’t have anything to do with that. I love him a lot.
It may not be the norm, but I doubt I’m alone either.
Totally empathize with the OP’s DW’s concerns, yet still not sure that any of this is worth creating such a family rift. It sounds like it goes beyond issues with the SIL to issues with the dad. And I agree with @blossom in that from the initial post, it seems the wife was second-guessing her stance and the OP was looking to garner support for avoiding the family.
There can also be resentment and misunderstanding in a family when one sibling has very successful kids and believe it is because they did everything right and other sibling(s) feel judged because their kids are not successful, even though they were also good parents. That has caused a rift between my two SILs. One has the “prefect child” while the other has 2 out of 3 kids that are struggling with marital issues, mental health, lack of job etc. The latter feels judged by the former and that the mom of the perfect child feels that parenting was a factor in the success of the children. IMHO, in most cases, it is genetics and mental health that are the key factors in success.
It is upsetting when a grandparent gives less support to one family, but hard to know the details. As others have said, was it because the SILs needed more help? Did the FIL not want to commit to picking up the grandchild in the summer? My parents watched my oldest a couple of days a week for close to three years. Once I had a second kid they stopped and then mom had a stroke so they never watched my sister’s son. While she understood they couldn’t do it, she still resented that I got “free” childcare. She also resented that I had 3 kids so parents set up a very small college account for each kid and therefore I got “more” money than she did.
OP, hope that your DW finds peace in whatever decision is made.
I’m still not sure why Dad is being singled out for this. It sounded like in the initial post that he had nothing to do with the dog situation. It was all the BIL. So I can see not going back to their house, but why is the sister’s dog the straw that broke the camel’s back with the Dad?
He asked everyone be together when he knows the issue isn’t resolved. He also in 10 months never discussed it with my wife for more than a minute or two a couple of times.
I wasn’t really singling him out. He asked for everyone to be together and we are not ready at this time. We have celebrated other things without everyone being together. We are also more than happy to take him to dinner with out family to celebrate.
But he never really asked my wife for the full story.
I still don’t think it’s his responsibility to get involved. If it were my kids, I would tell them they need to work it out between themselves. I would continue to invite them over and it’s up to them whether to come or not.
I think your wife has been wronged, but it sounds like SIL and FIL are clueless.
It doesn’t sound like FIL is even aware your wife has big issue with your SIL.
From their point of view, your wife clams up for ten months and doesn’t communicate with either FIL or SIL and they are supposed to read your minds??
Your FIL is supposed to referee your wife and SIL??
This feels like the epitome of wanting to be right rather than solving the problem. The audacity of an elderly man wanting his family to be together for his birthday. The only thing he did wrong is not get in the middle of this fight, and I commend him for that. These aren’t 12yos; these are grown women. They need to figure it out.
You say the issue isn’t resolved. What does resolution look like to you?
He has all his faculties. He is President of the owners association of the apartment complex he is involved with. He drives. Tries not to drive at night.
SIL is not cluesless. She knows what she and BIL did. She tried to communicate for about 1.5 months on the group chat of the sisters without directly texting my wife.
If she’s talked to him and wants him to hear her side of the story, why doesn’t she tell him her side of the story? It sounds like there is a communication issue with this family.
Some people are ostriches. My husband is one. If he pretends everything is ok, maybe it will be. He will not involve himself in drama.
If the father hasn’t asked about the “incident” in 10 months, assume that he’s hoping it will go away. It may, it may not.
Everyone gets to deal with situations the way they want to. That includes the father, the sil and the wife.
But maybe the @gpo613 and his wife are happy with this season of life. When they want to deal with it or interact with the sil and bil, they will. On their timetable.
Thank you, I have misunderstood alot here. I wish you and your DW all the best. Certainly is puzzling to me. The SIL and FIL do not listen to you and your DW.
Wow. I did not realize this has been going on for 10 months.
I would go to the party. Talk about the weather or something else. You don’t have to get into about the dog or the litany of things people could have done better by your wife over the years.
Did your wife reach out to her and she was rebuffed or is your wife just giving sis the silent treatment and waiting for an apology that may never come?
I have BTDT, made it work in front of our parents and I’m happy that I did. Average life expectancy for men in the US is 73.5, so Dad is already over that. Could be his last birthday or he could have 20 more. Who knows?