Famous Last Words

[sallyawp]

<p>These days, many big law firms don't seem to hesitate to lay off associates (and partners, though in a different manner) when the work slows down. </p>

<p>For those of you not currently in this world, I thought you might appreciate the departure memos of some associates that become widely circulated. I will delete the names of the law firms involved to protect the not-so-innocent. As I said, these are often widely circulated and much discussed. These two happen to come from the same law firm.</p>

<p>I received a forwarded copy of this one today:</p>

<p>
[quote]
From: [redacted]
Sent: Monday, May 05, 2008 10:14 AM
To: [redacted]
Subject: My departure</p>

<p>The circumstances surrounding my departure from [BIG LAW FIRM] have been deeply disappointing. It is one thing to ignore an email sent as a colleague is waiting to have her uterus scraped after a miscarriage, but it is wholly another level of heartlessness to lay her off six days after that. [Redacted] is the only one who expressed any sympathy after my miscarriage, and I am grateful to him for that. </p>

<p>A business is a business, but it takes very little to convey some level of humanity to carry out even the most difficult business decisions. We are human beings first before we are partners or associates. Had you simply explained that the department is unable to sustain the number of associates in the office, I would have completely understood. Had you explained that the office had been directed to reduce the number of associates and I was chosen because of my high billable rate and low billable hours, I would have appreciated such directness, even though the consequences of blindly raising billable rates to an unsustainable degree is plainly predictable. What I do not understand is the attempt to blame the associate for not bringing in the business that should have been brought in by each of you and to hide your personal failures by attempting to tarnish my excellent performance record and looking to undermine my sense of self esteem.</p>

<p>The last few months have been surreal, at best. Just last year, I had celebrated my engagement and marriage with many of you. In fact during the engagement party, the head of the department took my then-fianc</p>

[hiawatha1919]

<p>Haha, that’s awesome, especially the 2nd one.</p>

[sallyawp]

<p>These are some exerpts from a 2002 NY Times article on the subject:</p>

<p>

NOTICED; They Got Mail: Not-So-Fond Farewells

</p>

<p>

Against the clear advice of career counselors to hold one’s tongue and not send anything but contact information, many people are unable to resist waxing sentimental, self-indulgent or bitter, especially in the case of a layoff. This holiday season, typically a time of departures as executives collect year-end bonuses and move on, the sputtering economy seems to have created a thicker-than-usual stream of exit memos. They are forwarded from colleagues to friends to strangers, and sometimes to a reporter, in the way such things ricochet around the Internet. </p>

<p>‘‘My mom always told me that hard work, loyalty and respect for others will bring me success,’’ wrote [NAME], who was let go from [INVESTMENT BANK] in late October. ‘‘That’s why I came back to [INVESTMENT BANK] after b-school . . . and did all that other stuff. Apparently it doesn’t always work that way.’’ </p>

<p>A colleague, [NAME], was more circumspect, ending a note she wrote on Oct. 29 with the words, ‘‘Though it is nice to be important, it’s more important to be nice.’’

</p>

<p>

[NAME], who was let go at [DOT COM BUSINESS] last year, was direct and specific in his exit e-mail, perhaps more specific than his former employers would have liked, considering he sent it to dozens of friends in numerous industries. ‘‘After having survived several rounds of layoffs, today was the day that my division closed its doors and gave us all our walking papers,’’ he wrote.

</p>

<p>

‘‘The goodbye e-mail is the one e-mail that actually comes from that individual banker,’’ said an investment banker who did not want her name used because she is negotiating her severance package. ‘‘Everything else is the voice of the firm. The goodbye e-mail is personal, and it’s coming at a very emotional moment. Whether or not you’re quitting or getting laid off, you’re leaving your job. It’s a big deal.’’ </p>

<p>Bankers and lawyers at a range of firms have been known to maintain files of Hall of Fame departure memos. John Stephenson, a partner at Alston & Bird in Atlanta, has been collecting departure memos for 18 years. He has between 100 and 200 in a file called ‘‘Fallen Soldiers.’’ </p>

<p>The best goodbyes are ‘‘provocative and evocative,’’ Mr. Stephenson said. ‘‘You have an insider’s knowledge, and you have an opportunity to say something that will resonate with the people who read it.’’

</p>

<p>

When [NAME], 29, a lawyer, left [BIG LAW FIRM] three years ago, he spent two weeks tweaking his departure memo, a pagelong, sentimental epistle concluding with, ‘‘I hope I have made each of your lives a little brighter . . . just as you have done for me.’’ </p>

<p>Not content to give praise where he felt it was not due, [NAME] snuck in, among the platitudes, a barb of omission. In a paragraph in which he thanked, by name, every member of a certain department, he left one name out. In fact, even though he had not worked with two or three of the lawyers, he still mentioned them ‘‘to glaringly point out’’ to the excluded partner that she was not included, he said. He later heard he had succeeded in upsetting her.

</p>

<p>

The departure memo has become enough of an institution at certain companies that after being pink-slipped, composing the memo – rather than impending joblessness – can rank as the most pressing concern. After the din of layoff rumors rose to a crescendo at one particular bank, a young employee spent two days drafting a departure memo even without knowing if his name was on the hit list. </p>

<p>As it turns out, it was. And the news went from bad to worse. After being terminated, the banker was told he was barred from touching his computer – the very computer where his memo was stored. ‘‘I had to beg my office manager to let me send it,’’ the banker said. The manager agreed, and more than 100 people received the message. </p>

<p>‘‘It’s been a real roller coaster ride,’’ it began, ‘‘but it’s time to move on and try something new. How did I know it was time? Simple, two armed security guards came to my office and told me to leave.’’</p>

<p>Not everyone is so well prepared. But even hastily written farewells can make a splash. The investment banker, who was recently pink-slipped, said she had only minutes to ponder the content. She went for short, and not particularly sweet. </p>

<p>‘‘Adios!’’ said the subject line. Inside, the entire e-mail read: ‘‘It has been fun, but not lately. Keep in touch.’’ </p>

<p>The banker proudly reported that hers was a marquee memo. ‘‘Mine was famous,’’ she gushed. ‘‘I just thought of it and sent it two seconds later. I was proud of it. Wouldn’t you be?’’

</p>

[Reddune]

<p>I felt sorry for the first, but I LOL’ed at the second. This is seriously making me reconsider law as a possible career.</p>

[Sazari]

<p>haha i laughed at the second. Especially the burned bridges part.</p>

[tetrishead]

<p>There was someone at an investment bank that placed like 500 help-wanted ads strategically throughout the office looking for a crew for his pirate ship, as well as sending out an email explaining that he was leaving to become a professional pirate. He listed scurvy as a benefit. It was pretty funny, I wish I could find it.</p>

[sallyawp]

<p>This one was from mid-2007:</p>

<p>

I hereby formally terminate my employment with [MID-SIZED LAW FIRM]. My two main reasons for doing so are as follows:</p>

<ol>
<li> I do not enjoy the practice of corporate law. At all. I find it extremely tedious and stressful. I particularly do not enjoy the following activities:</li>
</ol>

<p>a. reviewing contracts;</p>

<p>b. drafting contracts;</p>

<p>c. editing contracts;</p>

<p>d. research corporate law; and</p>

<p>e. strategizing about deal structure. </p>

<p>Being that a.-e. above pretty much describe 95% of the job of a corporate lawyer (whether a first year lawyer or a 20 year partner), I can safely say this is the wrong field for me. </p>

<ol>
<li> At this point in my life, I want to work a job with predictable hours. I want to work a job where I am not connected to a blackberry. I want to work a job where I am not expected to work past 6 (except on rare occasions (i.e. 2-3 times per month on average)). I want to work a job where I am not expected to work weekends. I also realize this is not the life of a corporate attorney (regardless of firm). Basically, I want to be able to commit to being somewhere on a Tuesday (or any other day of the week) at 6:30, every week, and not worry all day Tuesday whether I will have to cancel (absent extremely extenuating circumstances). I also understand that as you get to be more senior in this job, your control over your schedule does increase. However, it is also clear to me that it doesn’t increase enough. At the same time, I could probably have to put up with reason 2. longer if reason 1. wasn’t so strong.</li>
</ol>

<p>I do apologize for accepting this job in the first place. In all honesty, I thought there was a chance that my dissatisfaction with this job had to do with where I worked before, but I have learned that it is the job itself, and not where I do it, that I am dissatisfied with. In addition, my decision certainly has nothing to do with any personal conflict with anyone in the office. On the contrary, it is clear to me that the people at this firm (both lawyers and non-lawyers) are both highly genuine and highly skilled at what they do. I also apologize to the lawyers whose short term workload will increase because I am leaving. There’s no good way to spin this other than I’m kind of screwing you on this one. Hopefully I can make it up to you one day.</p>

<p>I also want to be clear that I am happy to continue to work until Thursday . . . to help transition whatever projects I am working on to other people in the group. Just as a point of full disclosure, I’ve accepted a sales position at a software company here in [CITY]. I will be making significantly less money than I do here, but I am more than willing to make the trade of money for more control over my life.

</p>

[sallyawp]

<p>This one comes to us circa 2007 from a departing investment banker at a bulge bracket firm:</p>

<p>

Dear Co-Workers and Managers,</p>

<p>As many of you probably know, today is my last day. But before I leave, I wanted to take this opportunity to let you know what a great and distinct pleasure it has been to type “Today is my last day.”</p>

<p>For nearly as long as I’ve worked here, I’ve hoped that I might one day leave this company. And now that this dream has become a reality, please know that I could not have reached this goal without your unending lack of support. Words cannot express my gratitude for the words of gratitude you did not express.</p>

<p>I would especially like to thank all of my managers both past and present but with the exception of the wonderful S—- H———: in an age where miscommunication is all too common, you consistently impressed and inspired me with the sheer magnitude of your misinformation, ignorance and intolerance for true talent. It takes a strong man to admit his mistake - it takes a stronger man to attribute his mistake to me. </p>

<p>Over the past seven years, you have taught me more than I could ever ask for and, in most cases, ever did ask for. I have been fortunate enough to work with some absolutely interchangeable supervisors on a wide variety of seemingly identical projects - an invaluable lesson in overcoming daily tedium in overcoming daily tedium in overcoming daily tedium.</p>

<p>Your demands were high and your patience short, but I take great solace knowing that my work was, as stated on my annual review, “meets expectation.” That is the type of praise that sends a man home happy after a 10 hour day, smiling his way through half a bottle of meets expectation scotch with a meets expectation cigar. Thanks T—h!</p>

<p>And to most of my peers: even though we barely acknowledged each other within these office walls, I hope that in the future, should we pass on the street, you will regard me the same way as I regard you: sans eye contact.</p>

<p>But to those few souls with whom I’ve actually interacted, here are my personalized notes of farewell:</p>

<p>To P—– C—-, I will not miss hearing you cry over absolutely nothing while laying blame on me and my coworkers. Your racial comments about J– C—— were truly offensive and I hope that one day you might gain the strength to apologize to him.</p>

<p>To B—- A—– whom is long gone, I hope you find a manager that treats you as poorly as you have treated us. I worked harder for you then any manager in my career and I regret every ounce of it. Watching you take credit for my work was truly demoralizing.</p>

<p>To S—- K——, you should learn how to keep your mouth shut sweet heart. Bad mouthing the innocent is a negative thing, especially when your talking about someone who knows your disgusting secrets. ; )</p>

<p>To B– M—– (Mr. Cronyism Jr), well, I wish you had more of a back bone. You threw me to the wolves with that witch Brenda and I learned all too much from it. I still can’t believe that after following your instructions, I ended up getting written up, wow. Thanks for the experience buddy, lesson learned.</p>

<p>D– M—— (Mr. Cronyism Sr), I’m happy that you were let go in the same manner that you have handed down to my dedicated coworkers. Hearing you on the phone last year brag about how great bonuses were going to be for you fellas in upper management because all of the lay offs made me nearly vomit. I never expected to see management benefit financially from the suffering of scores of people but then again, with this company’s rooted history in the slave trade it only makes sense.</p>

<p>To all of the executives of this company, J—- D—– and such. Despite working through countless managers that practiced unethical behavior, racism, sexism, jealousy and cronyism, I have benefited tremendously by working here and I truly thank you for that. There was once a time where hard work was rewarded and acknowledged, it’s a pity that all of our positive output now falls on deaf ears and passes blind eyes. My advice for you is to place yourself closer to the pulse of this company and enjoy the effort and dedication of us “faceless little people” more. There are many great people that are being over worked and mistreated but yet are still loyal not to those who abuse them but to the greater mission of providing excellent customer support. Find them and embrace them as they will help battle the cancerous plague that is ravishing the moral of this company.</p>

<p>So, in parting, if I could pass on any word of advice to the lower salary recipient (”because it’s good for the company”) in India or Tampa who will soon be filling my position, it would be to cherish this experience because a job opportunity like this comes along only once in a lifetime.</p>

<p>Meaning: if I had to work here again in this lifetime, I would sooner kill myself.</p>

<p>To those who I have held a great relationship with, I will miss being your co-worker and will cherish our history together. Please don’t bother responding as at this very moment I am most likely in my car doing 85 with the windows down listening to Biggie.</p>

<p>One!

</p>

[dadofsam]

<p>Sally: you ought to set up a new thread with post #7 as information to all those seeking to become corporate lawyers - most of whom have no idea what the work involved is.</p>

[sallyawp]

<p>I can certainly do that.</p>

[Dbate]

<p>Oh my gosh. this thread really did make me LOL. ;)</p>

[inkbottle]

<p>happens from top to bottom it seems. New hires to CEOs (Carly Fiorina at HP… )</p>

<p>In such high-stakes affairs, people become pretty narrowly focused. Similar to monarchical times, when prospective rulers murdered the brothers or childhood friends with whom they learned how to crawl and walk.</p>

[inkbottle]

<p>btw, no need for redaction; the unmolested versions are online as well :)</p>

[sallyawp]

<p>I do realize that the names of the people and firms involved are available online elsewhere, but I wasn’t comfortable posting that information myself.</p>

[jonri]

<p>Well, since the author of the first email quoted above is the subject of a profile interview in the WSJ Law blog, I don’t think there’s any reason not to post it. abovethelaw has the text of the separation agreement Paul Hastings wanted her to sign and a copy of her prior performance review.</p>