Feedback on UC Personal Statement

College Essays
1

<p>This is for the first prompt:
Describe the world you come from — for example, your family, community or school — and tell us how your world has shaped your dreams and aspirations.</p>

<p>It would greatly appreciate any feedback/corrections/any ideas that I can add/etc.
457 words.
I'm not the strongest at writing, and I think that it's a bit choppy -__-</p>

<p>A pair of big, brown eyes watches intently as the veterinarians begin to operate. Precise incisions are made and internal organs can be seen. Blood seeps out from the careful cuts. These images do not faze the young girl as she continues to watch in awe. The operation goes smoothly and everyone is able to relax. The girl sighs in relief as the words Emergency Vets flash upon a screen. She had been watching a show on television and she could not wait for the commercial to be over. This brown eyed girl was me, a girl that has grown to be fascinated by the animal kingdom.
I grew up watching hours of programs on Animal Planet. There was always something interesting to watch. There were shows that were fun and immersed you into the world of animals, and then there were the shows that ripped your heart out. Animal Cops: San Francisco taught me about animal cruelty. The first time I watched the show, I couldn’t believe that something so coldhearted was happening in the city that I grew up in. And not only in one city, but it was happening all over the world. I began to wonder how anyone could treat animals in such a manner, but I was glad that someone was there to help. The veterinarians and officers became my heroes. And I decided that I wanted to be like them – helping animals in any way that I could.
That brought me to where I am now: volunteering at the San Francisco SPCA. Every week, I spend hours upon hours doing something that I love. A new experience awaits me every week I return to the adoption center. One day I’ll be socializing puppies and getting them ready for their new homes, and on another I’ll be training a rowdy three-legged Boxer. Every time a new tail comes wagging up to greet me I can’t help but smile. No matter what it is I do, I know that I’m making a difference in the community. It fills me with joy seeing a dog get adopted; knowing that I helped in the process.
Aside from home and school, the adoption center is where my world revolves around. The opportunity to work with so many animals and people has opened my eyes to a world where people and animals coexist in peace. I intend to continue assisting people and their animals in the future. I plan to study veterinary medicine and to one day be like the veterinarians that I saw on television as a young girl. The path to my dream will not be a smooth one, but the determined animal lover that I am will not rest until the goal is reached.</p>

2

<p>Hi Nightowlgrl,</p>

<p>Wow!
Its a beautiful dream you got there! As an animal lover, i relate to this too!
If its alright, i’d like to make a tiny suggestion… In the first para, maybe you could describe an incident at the animal shelter… something that tugs at your heart… Use a specific incident (and names) in your essay. It will add to your credibility and show action instead of description (para 3)… Also, this will be a definite question asked at the interview… :slight_smile:
All the best!</p>

3

<p>I’m no admissions officer - just a lawyer/mom offering advice in anticipation of helping my own kids soon. Overall, I think you’ve done an excellent job answering the prompt and grabbing the attention of the reader with your opening paragraph! I don’t think it’s choppy. I have just a few editorial suggestions:</p>

<br>

<br>

<p>Good luck!!</p>