Feel overwhelming rage at parents for not helping me pay for college more-- normal?

College Life
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<p>I’d suggest going to the campus employment office and seeing if there are any jobs that offer tuition reimbursement. It’s a long shot, but…</p>

<p>I know several students who are doing this. They work full time and take 2 courses a semester. It will take them longer, but they are going through school without any debt. </p>

<p>Even if that doesn’t work, find yourself a work study job that will help with expenses.</p>

<p>I don’t understand your parents either. I’d be angry too. But the anger isn’t going to help you. </p>

<p>Good luck!</p>

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<p>I can totally relate. My family does not contribute much at all to my education expenses, and they could if they wanted to. They help out here and there by sending small things back up to school with me when I come visit (such as toiletries and some groceries), and if I beg my mom to reimburse me for school related costs, she will sometimes. However, I’m totally on my own for rent, and every day expenses like food. It’s kind of rough, and I’m in debt, since I chose not to work because I take ~18 credits per a semester and I am involved in a lot of volunteer work, and clubs and whatnot, and in leadership positions, also. </p>

<p>I was frustrated for awhile, because I felt sort of abandoned, and it was hard because I knew they could help me if they wanted to… and they just did not want to. My mom did things such as refloor the house, redecorated the living room, redecorated my bedroom, bought a TempurPedic mattress, bought herself a few really expensive designer bags, and would call me to share all of this. I would get upset, because here’s my mom, talking about the new expensive luxury item she bought, when I’m trying to figure out if I’ll have enough money to last me through the end of the semester. A lot of my frustration too, was that I transferred and moved away from home, but my original plan was was to live at home and commute to a local directional school. My mother told me that if I didn’t move away and go to school, she would kick me out, and would no longer support me, because I needed to become an independent adult. She basically picked the school I was going to go to - University of Florida - which I needed more prerequisites for before I could even start my desired major, so I ended up spending a year living away from home on loans to go to a state college to finish prerequisites, all because my mother determed that it was time for me to move, which definitely sucked. But either way, I had to figure things out for myself and become independent - whether it was by going away to school and living on my own, or living in the same town I had been living in and commuting to a school. And honestly, as annoyed as I was, because I basically was forced out of my house, I’m grateful that it happened. I love UF, and I am so grateful for the many opportunities that I have had here. It’s been awesome, and I truly think it will be worth any debt that I have had to incur, even that extra year. And my mom was right to make me leave - I needed to become independent and learn how to live on my own.</p>

<p>So anyways… I decided to move past all of the issues, and just go on with my life. I don’t want to resent my mother over something silly like money. All of the drama and trouble and debt will all be worth it in the end, I’m certain of it. I am certain because I love my school, and I love the experience I have had here. Honestly, my mother is not required to give me money for anything, especially not school. It’s my education, not hers. It really does suck though, and I can relate. The only advice I have is maybe trying to find a good job on campus that is willing to be flexible, or working a lot over the summer to try and save up for the rest of the year. Another thing you could do is sit your parents down this summer, and explain to them just how broke you are, and tell them that you have been considering dropping out because you are so broke (even if you really aren’t doing this, and they know you wouldn’t, they might be more willing to listen once you say something like that… it’ll get their attention for sure). It might be helpful to say you really just want a little bit more money for groceries, because you’re hungry and don’t have enough money for food. Good luck!</p>

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<p>That is assuming the parents did, in fact, provide a lot of time, money, and effort…</p>

<p>Of course any parent who would venture onto this site would care about their kid’s future. Many parents really would never waste such a moment, and so many, if not most, of the parents here simply cannot relate to parents who choose not to help their children. In fact, there are some parents out there who are envious of what their children did with their lives, and such is why they refuse to pay. They feel that their children should struggle as much as they did, or that they don’t deserve more than they had, which could be very, very little. Some even feel that if their kids are successful, they owe them a whole lot of money. Remember, you don’t have to be caring or giving to become a parent. Just a reproductively functioning being.</p>

<p>I see my parents blow money like it grows on trees, on things they shouldn’t be - such as drugs, cigarettes, and alcohol. So I can’t help but harbor some resentment, especially when my dad tells me how stupid I was to spend money on college.</p>

<p>Sure, parents aren’t forced to pay for your college, but there is something fundamentally wrong with assuming that they will (FAFSA). There needs to be more affordable, respectable choices other than community college for kids who have parents who will not help at all. Of course, this is difficult to prove and paying parents could easily “refuse” to pay so their kids have cheaper options, but perhaps this would be best in the long run to lower costs altogether. </p>

<p>Overwhelming rage is probably not a normal response to this situation, but some resentment is. It goes away with age, especially once you get a job and move out and on with your life.</p>

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<p>Also, saving receipts doesn’t help. I bought all of my books and supplies, and my taxes did not permit me to include ANY of them - they all would have gone to my parents, and my parents would have gotten the tax breaks, which I also find terrible for those struggling to get through on their own.</p>

<p>-- Okay, I swear someone mentioned saving receipts, but now I don’t see the post, so I am not sure if the above is what they were getting at or not. Otherwise, a budget would suffice.</p>

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<p>whoa, so many posts…</p>

<p>Oh, you guys are incorrect, I am no longer minoring in Japanese…here we have a flat tuition fee (no matter how many credits at or under the max limit of 20 you take it costs the same) so it doesn’t cost more money if I did, but I’m not doing it anyway anymore. I may have thought about it last semester or early when I started college when I made those posts, but now that plan is gone.</p>

<p>Also, I was mistaken thinking my parents were contributing $6,000 originally. I thought that they meant $3,000 per semester earlier as well, but I found out more recently they meant per year. I think that’s where the confusion came from reading my old posts (which I feel a little strange about…hehe)
It is $1,500 per semester as I said.</p>

<p>My estimate of $50,000 comes from the fact that now I currently have $11,500 in debt after one year. My personal living cost (not including room/board was low obviously since I didn’t buy anything hardly, so that brings it down below the average cost of my university). This calculation is very rough. Clearly, I will have more than $46,000 in debt though. In the future, I can only expect tuition will rise, so I am estimating around $50,000, as well as from accumulated interest.
The other debt that’s not in Stafford loans is from private bank loans.^</p>

<p>That’s for those who were curious. I didn’t mean this post to be a hardcore discussion of my financial situation or recalculation of the numbers (since I know it will not change as I have calculated again and again) but rather the tensions between parents and college costs.
Please no need to rely on my past posts for the info (but, it seems you did and for going to that trouble to try to answer my post, thank you), because much of it has changed. The information that I say now is current.</p>

<p>Lastly, the reason I know the vacation costs is because of simply knowing flight costs and average cost of hotels + how many days they stayed there, and also the things they tell me they bought. It is a rough estimate. Plus, sometimes they told me how much the trip cost. I asked casually, and got an answer.</p>

<p>I hope that clears it up those concerns, but I feel like it’s not so relevant.
But otherwise, thanks for everyone’s concern :)</p>

<p>@anialways Thank you for your post! That honestly brightened my spirit just now. I feel like this too, and will try to take your advice.</p>

<p>This summer I plan to work. And, try to apply for more scholarships.
I guess, I am thankful that I made good friends since they often treat me to food hehe</p>

<p>I will also sit down and talk to my parents when the semester is over.
I don’t know because I haven’t asked, but if I ask earnestly perhaps they will reconsider. But, there is a chance they might not, and make another excuse. When I tell them about them taking all these vacations all of a sudden, they get very disagreeable. I think they do feel some shame, but don’t want to change. Who knows though, all I can do is try.
I guess, this is my life’s current main obstacle (of many, lol), but I’ve resolved to get past it!
Just, emotion cannot be repressed sometime, as when I first made this post.</p>

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<p>I would advise OP to get a job while in school. I did many years ago to cover short falls my parents couldn’t afford. I worked 20 hours a week. It paid for food and a lot of expensive entertainment. I was lucky that I had a lot of FA from my school.</p>

<p>I don’t blame OP for feeling bitter. If OP is telling the truth, then I don’t understand why his paents would go on vacations when their kid is starving.</p>

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<p>@naokifresh</p>

<p>You are very welcome. The purpose of this forum is to seek info, advice and share. And in doing that, if that helps you to feel an ounce better, I am so glad. Breaks my heart to see kids struggle for something that they are not yet responsible and ready for. </p>

<p>Sure one needs to rough it out but there is a line, where we do not raise children to be resentful and angry adults especially when there is a way out. I am not saying for one moment that we can lay down rules to what each parent should do and behave. All I am saying is if we bring our children into this world we have duty to provide whatever we can to the best of our capacity. Even the birds allow their kids to fly out of their nest only when it’s little one has learnt to catch a worm and developed wings strong enough to fly.</p>

<p>So do keep trying do not give up. I am going to tell you today you will do very well in life with that spirit, and anger and resentment can be strong motivators in life. So please talk to your parents, and try to convince them with facts, and let them know your hardships, what you have shared with us. I am sure/hopeful something good will come out of it. Nothing ventured nothing gained. What is the worse that can happen “NO” but you are already dealing and planning for that. I wish you the very best.</p>

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<p>The old expressions is about “what separates the men from the boys.” When faced with a problem, what does one do? Snap into action? Or settle for rage? It is possible your parents are selfish. Maybe. If so, what can you do? This is why several adults here are suggesting work study. It’s not a knee-jerk “we did it, so you can, too.” It’s about you taking charge. Btw, many good summer jobs are getting locked in right now. So get rolling on this.</p>

<p>I’m still confused whether you have a meal plan and the $40 is extra.</p>

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<p>I don’t think work-study would even come close to putting a dent in the debt and would contribute very little per month, which is why I don’t find it the most useful advice from parents. Most people I’ve seen are approved for 10 hours/wk or less. I was approved for 6 hours/wk. I refused my offer and got a job off-campus and worked 25-40 hours per week at a higher pay rate than the school offered for most jobs…of course, the OP’s ability to do this would depend on the area they live in and what is within walking distance. Also, some jobs on campus are less desirable and will pay students to work more hours than their work-study funds; the dining services at my college did this because so few students wanted to work there and they needed the help. </p>

<p>I believe the OP said they were overloading on courses to graduate early. Unfortunately, you may need to delay graduation and work more hours in order to eat and pay for schooling. I would take the minimum credits required to keep on-campus housing (unless you find that off-campus housing is cheaper with roommates, which may be the case in some areas). It would certainly take away your social life to work all of the time, but it’s better than graduating with debt and anger. Have a little pride in what you are investing in for yourself.</p>

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<p>It bothers me that you are feeling rage toward your parents. The fact is that you are an adult and you are making adult decisions that affect your life in many ways. It is time for you to take responsibility for your choices.There are options.</p>

<p>You could take fewer classes and work part time. The job could be at a restaurant. That’s one good way to get more to eat. Some eateries will allow employee’s to come in and eat(certain items) for free even when they are not working that day. Your choice is to instead get finished with school as quickly as possible. </p>

<p>It sounds like there were many options discussed, such as a different school or at least a CC for the basics, and so on, but you want things the way they are. If that means that you don’t have enough food to eat then that is your choice. Did your parents want you to go to a different school? </p>

<p>Maybe if you put together a list of figures for your parents to see next time you go home(you could make an excel sheet) to show them what you have coming in and going out. They think that you can budget better, so show them the numbers and ask them for their advice about it. If there really is no way to budget better and you really don’t have enough money then that would be something that you will all face at that time.</p>

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<p>Nova, we aren’t talking w/s making a dent in 11k of loans. She said she’s starving. We don’t know if she has room and board or if this $40 is all it is. (which I doubt.) So, if she is hungry…</p>

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<p>I’m a parent, and I think the parents are being short-sighted. The child is going to resent them all of his/her life. Sure, the student will get over it, but will not forget. One can blame immaturatity, whatever. It’s human nature to feel resentment. I’m still a little bitter over the fact my parents refused to help me 30 years ago, even though my parents were professors and my dad went to an ivy. And my mom went to expensive grad school while I was in college, while they wouldn’t pay for me. (and it did not lead to employment for her, it was enrichment, which is great, too, I’m glad she did it) Yes, I do think I should get over it–but what really got to me is this feeling that my parents didn’t want to invest in me, or didnt believe in me, or didn’t think I was good enough. It still hurts if I think about it. So these situations are complicated and fraught with emotion that shouldn’t be pushed down or swept under the rug as simply being immature. It’s fodder for the therapist.</p>

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<p>I understand where you’re coming from. My parents didn’t help me pay for college at all, and I didn’t qualify for financial aid because of their income-- it’s easy to say one’s parents don’t owe one anything, but when the government expects them to take responsibility for this issue and there’s nothing we can do about it it certainly feels like crap. I was really furiously angry at first, but I got over it and you will (and should) too. I am still a little bitter about it… I can’t support myself now because of my loan payments. My boyfriend is paying the majority of our living expenses or else I’d be screwed. Parents don’t think it’s any of their concern, which I guess it isn’t, but then I suppose I wish I hadn’t been raised with the idea that college was non-negotiable even though they had no intention of making it a realistic option for me. In hindsight I think maybe I shouldn’t have gone to college at all, but it is too late to think like that. But you only get one set of parents, and something like this isn’t worth hating them over. So eventually you will mature and learn to overlook this and find a way to deal with it. In the meantime, try to focus on other things. Being angry won’t fix anything. Consider ANY and all options to lower your debt, no matter what you have to do it is worth it to not be imprisoned by your debt for 10+ years. Eventually there comes a point where you can’t expect somebody else to take care of you anymore, even if they should-- that time is now.</p>

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<p>I think what redpoint said is what hits me hardest with my parents - that I wasn’t worth the investment, that I wasn’t going to get anywhere in life so why spend the money. I was raised being called an idiot constantly, yet I graduated as valedictorian in high school. I was called stupid for going to college but I graduated with honors and publications. I am able to hold a full-time job and pay my bills (though not able to afford to move out unless I find a very reliable roommate), and so I am still called stupid. I’ve spent my life trying to prove that I was intelligent only to keep being told I’m not. If my parents were very supportive of college but admitted they could not help me pay, I would not hold any resentment toward them at all. The fact that they were very unsupportive and made it all much more difficult for me emotionally with all that I had to figure out is where the resentment really comes from. I am proud to be paying for my own education, but not to have bitter, perhaps jealous parents who keep pointing out my flaws and pretending my successes don’t exist. </p>

<p>Work-study still wouldn’t usually provide enough for a student to eat healthy. It would provide more, yes, but the quality of food would still be low and so still unhealthy, which affects energy, memory, and other important qualities for doing well in college.</p>

<p>If you are able to take a leave of absence for a semester and work full time (and maybe even a part-time job on top of it), save as much money as you can, it will help lower your debt and put a nice chunk aside for food. Take this time to develop a stronger financial plan. Even consider transferring to a more affordable college, and even one where you can commute from home so you’ll always have access to food (hopefully) at home.</p>

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<p>Had you known that your parents were high EFC but unwilling to contribute the EFC expected by the financial aid systems, you could have aligned your college application list to low cost schools (e.g. big merit scholarship colleges).</p>

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<p>My parents also told me that college was paid for and handled, apparently to keep me from whining about it until the last minute, and then pulled the rug out from under me and told me to go to community college after I had already submitted applications and toured colleges with them-- they have admitted to this. Mind you, these were some of the cheapest colleges in the state, and I still couldn’t have afforded them by myself, and my parents themselves declared that it was in-state publics or nothing when I started applictions. There is a long story here that I am not going to get into. I did go to community college for two years and paid out of pocket for the entire thing with no debt. I applied to a broad range of schools after that and wasn’t offered any merit aid despite having a 3.7 GPA, it’s not easy to get scholarships as a transfer student and I had to take the full cost out in loans for my last two years. It is what it is, I’m not going to debate my choices with you. I’m a year post college and, thankfully, the time for agonizing over these things has passed.</p>

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<p>^^ A lot of people don’t realize this when they tell students to go to community college first (same thing happened to me). You are much more likely to get merit aid and scholarships as a first-year student than as a transfer student, so in the long run, it would have been cheaper for me to go to a 4-year university right out of high school (with a 4.0 GPA, Valedictorian, tons of clubs and activities, etc.) than to have gone to CC and end up with very little aid when transferring. I didn’t know much about the financial aid process at 17, and neither did my school’s guidance counselor (I went to a tech school, so not many students went to college), and my parents knew the least of all. They didn’t know anything about merit scholarships - they thought it was all financial-based aid, and I was confused trying to learn it all on my own. So they did not allow me to apply anywhere other than CC right out of high school, and I foolishly listened. What a mistake. I had a very, very poor education and although I did get some merit scholarships upon transferring, it was far less than I would have as a first- year applicant. From what I’ve seen with other students, I could have had a full-tuition scholarship at some of the local LACs. <em>Sigh</em> No sense in looking back and telling the OP what they COULD have done, because that is of no use at all. I just wish the automatic answer from so many here was not “go to CC!”</p>

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<p>Do you have other siblings? Yes, it does seem a bit strange that they want to take expensive vacations. Are these loans co-signed by parents. Again, we are hearing just your part of the story here…so don’t want to judge. But yes, it is a bit unusual.</p>

<p>I have seen a lot of parents second mortgage their house and pay full for their kids education. These kids go off to work and just get busy with their lives and hardly even call or visit their parents and parents having to struggle and work through their retirement years to pay off that loan. Maybe your parents have seen that side too much. In a lot of cultures, yes parents pay for their kids but kids also take care of parents in return (as needed financially/emotionally). That is not happening anymore so maybe your parents are wary of dipping into their retirement incomes.</p>

<p>But I would thought at least a 50% stake from parents…dont give all of it…but give enough so that you can concentrate on your education. One option is go part time/go to a commuter school. I have seen people do it.</p>

<p>ok just saw this in your post " Even after I asked my parents for more money to live they said they had already given me enough, even when I said I was hungry. They just said to learn to spend it better."
That is a bit strange. Sorry…hope it works out for you.</p>

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<p>Well, that’s IF you get the big merit as a freshman (knowing where to apply for that definitely helps – that your parents wouldn’t let you apply to such schools surely limited your ability to do that). If you don’t, then CC to state university would likely be cheaper than four years at the state university (state universities are often much more friendly with admissions and need aid for CC transfers than privates are).</p>

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<p>Not picking on any one or two posters, but do folks realize how many people say, “I didn’t know?” Or, “I thought all we’d have to pay is our Fafsa EFC?” Or, “I thought, with my 3.x, merit would cover everything?” If you stand back for a moment, away from your own particulars, and look at trends in posts-- doesn’t it seem that people rely more on hearsay than a little research? I think people put more effort into researching their next car or laptop purchase.</p>