Hello to all, I’m going off to college (UCSB) and I was so excited and I love my school, but then reality hit me.
My father has lung cancer (it was going good) and my mom told me last week that it’s getting worse. We actually had a family moment wit my mom, siblings and I where we got really emotional and I cried with my mom. We never do ANYTHING like that so I know it’s really serious. Ever since that day, I wake up scared and anxious about starting school next month. I can tell my dad’s health isn’t the same as it was just 2 months ago. It’s really hard for me to write this because I’m still in denial, so I’m trying to avoid using certain words.
Anyways, because of this whole situation, I feel so guilty and even more scared about going to UCSB (2 and a half hour drive from my house). My parents (especially my dad) told me to go to college no matter what happens and I really love my dad and I want to make him proud, but sometimes I just think staying at home might be a better idea. I told this to my mom and she told me no. She said I can’t give up and I have to stay in school because I worked so hard. When I go dorm shopping or just bring up UCSB, my parents are fine and my dad is still thinking in the future (you get what I mean), so I feel better and I get excited for college. But some days, I just feel so guilty that I’m leaving and I get terrified.
I’m not sure what to do with my life right now. My parents still want me to go to SB, but I’m scared of the stuff at home. What if something happens in the middle of 1st quarter…like what do I do??? I know you guys can’t really “help” help me, but what do you guys think.
The issue is out of your control. Staying at home won’t make your dad better. Both your parents want you to go to college so you can be successful and make them proud. You doing well in life is what your dad wants, so go to SB and do that.
My brother also had lung cancer. He also wanted his son to go to college. It was important to him that he did everything he could for his son to be successful. If the time comes that you need to take time off to be at home, the school will understand.
I understand exactly what you’re saying. But you need to go to school.
First and foremost, if you stay home, it’s saying to dad that you don’t believe he will recover-- that you’re staying home because you believe his death is imminent. Absolutely NOT the message you want to send to dad. He needs to believe that you KNOW he can recover.
Secondly, he knows the implications. And, more than anything else, he wants to ensure that his family is taken care of. You being settled in school is probably his number one priority right now, the thing that will enable him to sleep at night.
When my dad was in hospice, I was pregnant with my youngest child. I told my dad the day we found out she would be a girl. HIs response was “Good, I needed to know that.”
Thirdly, what would you do if you stayed home? How would that help dad? What would you do all day? I understand your gut reaction-- mine would probably be the same. But realistically, how would your being home help anyone?
Two and a half hours is pretty close. You have a cell phone and can be reached at any time. In short, you’re as close as is really practical.
Tell mom and dad that you love them. And go to school.
I’m so sorry about your dad–I know it’s tough for everybody.
I do know something from experience though. Your dad wants you and your family taken care of and to know you’ll be okay and that means you going to school as planned. Life needs to continue as planned. Staying home would really be a disservice to him–you might feel better but he won’t.
OP I am so sorry to hear about what your family is going through. It must be very difficult, and I commend you for considering staying home so you can help.
However I think you should realize that your parents (here I am putting myself in their shoes) have as one of their top priorities in life getting you and your siblings established. Above posts ^ sounds wise.
The fact that you are only a couple hours away and not half-way across the country is a blessing. Why not develop a plan for regularly communicating with your mom and dad – and also the family member who is most likely to tell the truth and assess the situation ?
You might also keep your options open for taking a semester off LATER, but not now. Keep your wits about you and try to be strategic bc it would be better to plan a leave of absence rather than just drop everything. And you don’t want to do that until (IF) it is absolutely necessary. This might be a long haul.
Amen to the above but I would add this: if your staying home would help with the logistics of your dad’s care (if someone needs to stay home with him and there isn’t anyone else and you can handle it, if family finances are such that an extra income is needed to keep food on the table), then perhaps it might be worth considering deferring your enrollment. If none of the above is true, then go to college.
Here is the thing, it may not be what you want right now bc of the circumstances, but it IS what your dad wants, and has wanted since he fist counted your little fingers and toes. It is what he has worked for all these years to pay for, get you ready for. Parents have a lot vested in the process too:).
I say this so you will see the truth. You should only feel guilty if you don’t go. Your dad has been waiting your whole life for that day he can say " my kid is off to college"! Don’t take that away from him.
I’m so sorry this is the circumstances of your going off to school. But trust me, it’s what he wants. He’s going to want you to Skype and tell him all about your classes, show him your room. Do this for him, ok?
I’m so sorry this is such a tough time for your family, and I can understand your instinct to stay home. But the best thing you can do for your father is to let him see you go off to college and be happy. It’s hard and may feel like a big sacrifice on your part because it’s not what you want to do, but it’s the one thing you can do to really help your father. The last thing he wants is for his illness to stop your life. This has been a long time in the making, and he wants to be able to see you make this next big step.
There’s a lot you can do to stay in touch with your father and your family. Set up a time to talk to your parents and tell them about everything that’s going on at college. Send your dad random texts/emails of fun things that are happening at school. Figure out a couple of weekends that you can come home and visit. And if anything happens, you’re close enough that you can be home relatively quickly.
Listen to your Dad…he obviously feels bad about having cancer, but would feel worse if that derailed your future. I would suggest Skyping with him regularly and then maybe going home once a month to visit for the weekend.
I think it will help your Dad to hear about what you are doing.
Also, talk to the Dean of Students or equivalent about what is happening…come up with some plans on what to do if your dad takes a turn for the worse. If you need to go back home for a while toward the end of the semester, can you take incompletes? If it is in the beginning, can you get most of your tuition back? The Dean can then notify/work with your professors.
Also go to the college counseling center and talk about what is happening. They can support you through this tough time.