Guilty about going to college and following my dreams (Sick Parent)

Parents Forum
1

Hello everyone, I currently in my sophomore year of college studying to be an English teacher.

I love college, I have made so many amazing friends and have learned so much, but life at home is not so great. I am sorry if this is a bit depressing, but I have no idea who I can talk to, or what to do with my life right now.

My mother is really sick. Whenever I say that… everyone expects me to say she has cancer, and if I don’t say that then everyone thinks, “oh it can’t be that bad then”. But it is. She doesn’t have cancer, but it is just as bad and no one understands.

My mom has had severe Epilepsy (seizures) my whole life and she also deals with anxiety and depression. She had done a wonderful job raising my brother (26yrs), sister (11yrs) and I (19yrs), but now it is starting to catch up with her. The medication she takes is so strong that it has eaten holes in her stomach, given her tumors, clouds her thoughts, and she is constantly shaking. She cannot drive anymore, she cannot work anymore, and now she can bearly get out of bed. Recently during one of her seizures, she destroyed parts of her spine, so currently, she is also healing from spinal surgery.

Next, the doctors want to do brain surgery. They do not even know if it will work, but it is one of the last chances we have.

My mom is an avid supporter of my education as I will be the first person in my family to receive a degree. My step-father is the sole income of my family, and although he is amazing, he works 12-hour shifts every day and cannot be home to take care of my mother or give my little sister who is only 11 years old the attention she needs at this age. They are both amazing parents and my sister is well-taken care of, but it is hard not being home to help them out or support them. My brother does not help at all with anything.

So if you have read this far, I hope you see my dilemma. My mom’s condition has only recently gotten this bad, but now I am conflicted and guilty about attending college when I should be home helping my family.

In addition, before my mother’s condition worsened, I applied to go on a study abroad program next semester for 4 months. I have been really excited about going abroad, as I love traveling and my dream has always been to someday teach English abroad, but now with my mom’s condition, I don’t know if it such a good idea. I feel like I need to putt my dreams on hold for my family.

I don’t know what to do anymore. I am so distracted at school with thoughts of my mom that it is hard to concentrate on school. I am an honors student, have a campus job, and have a lot of commitments at school so it is hard for me to just drop everything and go. Although I know my mom does want me to go to college, every time I talk with her on the phone she says “oh how I wish you were here right now”. I feel so guilty and now I will be gone all next semester and I can’t help but think something worse might happen.

Also, before my mom’s condition worsened, she started up a small hobby farm with a garden, goats, chickens, and pigs and now there is no one to maintain everything. My step-dad helps out, and our neighbors have recently been helping a little to feed and water all of them, but that is it. If I was home I could help take care of everything.

What if something happens while I am abroad? What about my little sister and helping out around the house and the farm?

Lastly, I live only 45 minutes away from home, which doesn’t seem like a lot, but I have no vehicle at school due to the cost of keeping a vehicle on campus. Even if I could afford to get my car on campus there are no parking permits available. I carpool with some people over the weekends, but during the weekdays there is no one who can drive me.

Sorry, that was a lot guys. I know you guys can’t really help much with my actual situation, but maybe you can give me some advice?

2

First off, I’m very sorry about your mom’s health and will pray that the surgery will give her some relief.

What do your parents say about you being at school? Are they asking you to leave or do they want you stay and finish your degree?

Can you talk to your college and see if they would make an exception to have your car on campus so you can go home more easily some weekends? I would think they would be responsive to the situation.

3

If you and your family feel that it is really necessary, you should look up the withdrawal / readmission / leave-of-absence policy at your college. If you withdraw in good academic and financial standing (not on academic probation, all bills paid, all paperwork filed, preferably after the completion of a full semester), most colleges will let you return easily later – but check your college’s policies.

Also, if you have merit scholarships, be sure to check whether you will retain them after you return.

4

The first and most important thing is to take advantage of on-campus counseling services to get support and to talk out your choices.

You might consider taking a leave of absence or holding off on the study abroad (you always can travel later in life). Talk it out with a counselor. And talk it out with your mom and stepfather, too!

I like @momofsenior1’s idea. It makes sense that they would make an exception for you, probably allowing you a permit.

But whatever you do, remain on-target for your degree. Stay enrolled in your college, even if you decide to take a leave. I am sure that your mother wants you to be happy and pursue your dreams. As you said, she supports your education. Sometimes, when a parent is going through a rough time, the thought that their child is happy gives them comfort.

Best wishes to you and your family.

5

Looking at this from a perspective of many years, I believe you should take a leave of absence from school (clearing it with them first) and be with your mom…I believe you will be greatly comforted that you did this.

6

I’m sorry you are going through this. I think you should talk with someone at your college about your options. Without knowing what college you are attending, it’s difficult to tell you whom you need to talk to. Options would include your advisor, someone in student services, or someone in counseling services. Most likely, any of them will know where to refer you to get the answers you need. If you aren’t getting answers, try someone else. You might find that you can get some funding for parking a car on campus or perhaps a stipend so that you don’t have to work, at least for a while. Perhaps you can finish this semester, but then take a leave of absence for spring semester. There may be options that you are not even aware of. Also, if you have made any deposits for studying abroad, perhaps they can be refunded. Once you know what your options are, you can discuss them with your parents, and all of you can plan how you can be the most helpful, without having a lot of regrets.

7

Honestly, I don’t think any stranger on a blog should tell you what to do in such a difficult personal situation. And most importantly, do not make any rash decision without taking the time you need to understand all of the alternatives and ramifications.
I would talk to (in no specific order)

  1. a counselor at school - you have a lot going on and talking to a trained adult can’t hurt
  2. your academic advisor to understand the impact of a withdrawal on your transcript
  3. the Bursars offices to understand the financial impact if you withdraw (ex. what if any money you could get back, any impact a withdrawal may have on future financial aid etc.),
  4. If you want to explore having a car on campus contact the dean of students and see if they would make an exception for you in this time of need.
  5. And of course speak to to your mom and stepfather. See what their needs/wishes are. You being in college may be a shining light that helps keep your mom going.

I’m sorry you are in this situation. Act carefully and try to work out a plan that will be good for everyone in the long term.

8

My wife went though something similar years ago when her dad was diagnosed with earlier alzhemier disease. She also was 45 minutes away. He was in the later stages. . Of course your mother wishes you are home but not “home”. Clarify that with her. Her mother had to endure a lot and she went home on weekends when she could to help out. Talk to your brother about being there more. He should be the one helping out not you leaving college. Let him know that.

It is irresponsible for people telling a 19 year old to quit college. You seem mature so get more facts. Talk to her doctors. (might need her approval or her to sign a form). Procedures for epilepsy/ seizures have been highly successful.

Even if you were home 24/7 there is nothing you can do to make her seizures stop. If you lived at home and still commuted to school you wouldn’t be able to concentrate and study. If you quit school to be home loans will start to need to be repaid in 6 months.

You can also go abroad another time. This would be the change I would make. Teaching English abroad can be done at anytime with programs like work-away etc. But staying in school is important for now. Even if you moved back home and went to a community College you would still have to travel there right? Even if it took 15 minutes to get to the trade off is 30 minutes to stay at your college. If your mother needs a care taker your step father will have to look into that. You are not experienced in that.

You are fortunate to be as close as you are. Talk to your schools mental health counselors. Ask questions… That is what they are there for.

You said your mother is an avid supporter of your education. Work and study hard and make her proud.

9

One of my family members has epilepsy, and I have had cancer. I think epilepsy is one of the hardest things to deal with. As a parent, when I got cancer, the biggest fear I had- right away in the first moments of diagnosis- was that it would interfere with my kids’ school and happiness. I would have suffered more if they had come home. That said, I also needed someone to grocery shop for me etc. and did have someone.

I agree with the poster above who says that strangers can’t help with this. Personally, I would suggest talking to a counselor. This is very tough.

My hope would be that your mother’s medical situation could be addressed (surgery? new med? other new approach? Is she seeing a top specialist?) during the next months while you are still relatively close, so that you CAN go on that semester abroad.

One of my friends was literally dying of brain cancer and her daughter went to Spain for a semester. That friend felt the same way I do, that the worst thing would be to interfere with our kids’ experiences.

But you need to pay attention to your own feelings about this, and how they may ripple out over the years.

Sending you sympathies in a very difficult situation. It makes me think of the movie “It’s a Wonderful Life”, which you could check out for one point of view.

10

God bless you, kiddo. That is a whole heck of a lot to carry on your shoulders. I agree with those that say speak to a counselor. Now, this is strictly me, somebody else’s mom, speaking to this situation- please stay in school. This time in life is about you. Time passes and it does so very quickly. Soak it in. Study abroad.
Call your mom and tell her how much you love her and how much you love school. Both of those statements would likely make her heart full. How do I know this? Because your mom raised a good kid. Your concern for her and selflessness are such beautiful qualities. You are going to do well in this world and I know you are going to do all you can in this life to help your family, but first your degree.

11
  1. Talk to your mom. It might be that what she wants the most right now is for to stay in college and still live your life She may not want her illness to stop you…
  2. Talk to the counseling center at college. It will be good to have someone to talk to in person.
  3. If you stop going to college, you may never go back. If you don’t go back, that will affect the rest of your life.
  4. If you were on mars, how would your step-father get help? He should talk to a social worker to see what kind of help the family is eligible for.
  5. Can other people (your mom’s siblings,church people, visiting nurses etc) help out?
  6. Maybe studying abroad is something that you set aside for now.
    7)I think your goal has to be to finish college at all costs.
12

However, it is likely that the OP’s risk of not going back if s/he withdraws or takes a leave of absence after this semester is lower than that of a typical college dropout, who has dropped out due to running out of money, lack of interest, or flunking out (none of which appear to apply to the OP). Unless withdrawing or taking a leave of absence would adversely affect scholarships or financial aid, or the college is unusual in making it hard to return, it is likely that s/he can return and pick up where s/he left off later.

But if the OP does withdraw or take a leave of absence, s/he should complete this semester and file all of the proper paperwork to ensure a smooth return, rather than just leave in the middle of the semester without notice, eventually to be followed by a transcript full of F grades and unpaid bills, which will prevent returning later.

Note: I am not saying that the OP should withdraw or take a leave of absence. But if s/he does, s/he needs to do it in a way that ensures a smooth return.

13

I am so sorry your mom is going through this. First I would talk to your mom and and ask her how she feels with you taking a leave of absense. She might tell you that she wants you to remain in school. I feel as a mom and mother of 2 college kids that I would feel sad if they withdew to help me. For me my happiness is seeing my kids succeed in college and start their lives. Since it is only 45 minutes from home see if you could go home on weekends more to help if you can find a ride or if your step dad can pick you up and bring you home. I would def finish out this semister. One option is doing online classes for a semister from home if you feel that you need to help your mom.

There is no wrong choice, talk with your counselors ar school and talk with your family. You are a great daughter and it shows how much love you have for your mom.

14

Talk to a counselor at your college. Where is your brother? If he is nearby, can he help your parents? At 19 you can’t take on all their responsibilities. If your parents and sister can no longer take care of their animals, they should sell them. You should stay in college. Your mom misses you, I’m sure. But she wants you to graduate. So don’t feel guilty for being in school. Look into getting permission for your car on campus so you could go home more frequently. I don’t think you should cancel your study abroad. Your stepfather needs to look into other help that may be available.

15

It is possible that the OP’s mom’s health issues could last for a long time, and the OP may have trouble getting back to finish their degree if they take a leave of absence. I’d consider a few things:

  • I agree with some others that you should put aside your plans to study abroad for now. You can always travel later in life. I suspect that if you went now, you would be so worried about things at home that it might not be the best thing right now.
  • See if you can figure out how to get home a couple of weekends a month, even without a car. I assume you are spending your breaks at home now, or at least not going too far away.
  • Talk to your brother and ask him if he can step up a little more. Let him know how much you can be home, and ask if he can go over and check in/do any needed chores/etc on the weekends that you aren’t going home. I’d approach it with a positive, collaborative tone. That you are worried about your mom, and you wonder if the two of you can try to work out a schedule so you can both provide some support for them given how much your mom has done for you.
  • As a longer term issue, I wonder if the hobby farm is the right housing situation for your mom. I have a relative who bought a hobby farm a few years ago and got a lot of animals. Then she ended up with someone in the family who had said they would live there leaving the farm, and then got divorced. Now she is struggling to care for the animals, and has had to sell a lot of them. So I do think at some point she might consider downsizing on the animal workload, or moving off the farm altogether to someplace easier to care for. You can’t decide for her, but you could gently bring it up.