First college visit with the silent/no-input son

Parents Forum
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<p>And so it begins...</p>

<p>I took my junior son on his first college visit this week during his spring break. The rule in our house is you must apply to one in-state school and after that you can apply wherever you want. For some reason, my son hates IU. Okay, I can live with that because he's more of a math/science person anyways. I told him we would then be visiting either Purdue or Ball State over break. He is so not-involved in this process (and I'm not pushing but I am trying to plant the idea in his head that he IS going to college because he's NOT living with me come September 2007 LOL!). He doesn't want to think about college, let alone visit. When I asked him last week if he planned on ever visiting schools he said no. Was he planning on attending a school he never visited, I queried? His answer: probably - because he doesn't think visiting is necessary. So I did force the issue and told him we were going to visit a school and he should pick. He picked Ball State because...it's closer to our home and he wouldn't have to spend as much time out of his day visiting.</p>

<p>So off we went - he was wearing his "unhappy but I know I have to do it so I will" face. The visit was fine -Ball State is ~16,000 students, pretty campus,trying (like every other school in the country) to oomph up its' academics and student body. Actually, the Ball State program he would probably want-landscape architecture (when you can get him to actually talk about a future it's as a golf course designer) - is ranked in the top 10 nationally and would be a great school for him. </p>

<p>On the way home, I knew enough not to pry and ask a lot of questions so I just made very casual comments. When I finally asked him one (and I mean only one) question it was said very casually: so what do you think of Ball State. His reply (and I quote): "I'm not ever going to talk about it with you." Not said maliciously just factually. None of his attitude is mean or petulant or belittling, it's just what it is: he truly doesn't see the need for all this rigamarole.</p>

<p>I know it does no good to pry and force him to answer questions, so I don't. I also know that he will eventually come around as he goes through senior year and sees all his friends applying to schools. But boy, oh boy, just a little feedback would be nice! </p>

<p>Anyone else had a son who just won't contribute any input? And when did he finally start to join in?</p>

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<p>Hmm. I might just let it go, and tell him, "If you don't plan on going to college, start looking for a job." Does he just want to find a college without your input, or is he expecting you to do all the work, or doesn he not want to go?</p>

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<p>I have a d who also doesn't contribute any input. She got her acceptances and has to decide within the next few weeks. I'm still waiting for her to become engaged in the process. She barely tolerated the college visits but we made it through. She did eliminate a # of schools and we're down to her final 4. I "threatened" that we may have to discuss college choices over the week-end. I think that the threat of discussion may force her to make a decision.</p>

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<p>Hi Fredo,
Do his friends have college on their radar screen?</p>

<p>Have you read "Accept My Kid, Please: A Dad's Descent into College Application Hell" by Hank Herman ? It is a little paperback, hysterically funny book about a father who had a similarly disinterested boy. </p>

<p>Will make you feel better :)
Junior Year is lightyears away from college for some kids. It was amusing to watch my kids, avoid reading all the college guide books strategically placed around the house.</p>

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<p>I had such a son until our first college visit.... </p>

<p>I think my "plan of attack" finally broke his incredible stubborn streak.</p>

<p>My son would not even discuss the idea of applying to colleges -- even tho he definately planned on going -- top male student in his junior class. I knew that I was going to have to get the "ball rolling" (My husband is the same way as my son). We, too, insist that he apply to two state schools as safeties even tho he insists that he'd never go in-state.) </p>

<p>I felt it was very important to visit schools on days that they were opened and kids were on campus. So, on a day off from school we made our first trip to one of the state schools about 120 miles away. I called ahead and asked where the off campus "hang outs" were and where the school's most attractive entrance is.</p>

<p>We purposely arrived about 2 hours before our scheduled tour. I headed for the off campus hangouts area and we stopped for breakfast -- letting my son pick which restaurant. Immediately his eyes kind of brightened -- seeing all the kids -- eating -- talking --- etc.</p>

<p>Then we headed to the school -- thru the most attractive entrance -- and headed to the visitors center to begin our tour. Of course, my son didn't ask ANY questions to the tour guide so I asked questions that I thought would interest my son (dorm info, honors program, honors benefits (early reg, better dorms, new dining hall). At the end of the tour, we revisited all the popular "on campus" hang outs -- the food places, the coffee houses, the ice cream/sweet shop, the pizza parlor, the bowling alley, student center, so my son could really see kids having fun. This really got his interest. His interest was further piqued when he saw pretty girls laying on blankets in the quad with their laptops. </p>

<p>We also had an appt to visit the honors college. I brought his transcript (unofficial), his scores, etc with us. The honors rep "oohed and ahhed" over his stats and really boosted his ego. </p>

<p>After we left the campus (late afternoon) we headed back to the off-campus hangouts (quite busy at this point) and ate an early dinner at a popular spot. My son started really getting "into it". Although this school is not one that he considers going to, he said that he likes "visiting colleges" and was happy to visit 3 more at later dates (which we soon did).</p>

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<p>I have found that my boys were uninterested in exploring schools for their feel or ambiance --they were much more interested in the courses offered in their area and things like that. They hated visiting and just did it because it was mandatory. I have heard that many others boys are like that, too. In short, my boys never did react to the school visits, they weren't important to them. They were VERY interested in choosing a school, but in a nuts-and-bolts versus intuitive way. I think that is perfectly acceptable and should not be an issue at all.</p>

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<p>I feel your pain fredo. Try not to take it personally. I think this is just the way a lot of boys are. I have a deal with myself to ask no college questions except to ask where he would like to visit. LOL @ jlauer95 arriving through the most attractive entrance.</p>

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<p>Suggestion:</p>

<p>Let him go on the tours and info sessions alone. See if he'd like to go with a friend.</p>

<p>Though, I have to say, his statement that he is not ever going to talk to you about it, knowing how much you'd like to, is, in fact, malicious.</p>

<p>It's worth pointing out to him that girls are told to look at the way a boy treats his mother as an indication of how they will be treated. He's developing terrible habits if that's the way he's treating his mother.</p>

<p>Mine aren't that bad, they talk quite a bit when they get the chance, but I get poor treatment now and again. I certainly call them on it. For example, I had to ban the word "irrational" from S2's discussions with me. I've had about a year's worth of that word thrown at me for everything from 'tidy the room' to 'study for SAT IIs'. Enough.</p>

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<p>I never visited the school that I am attending now. Not even after I got the acceptance letter and a formal invitation. I think one day of superficial sightseeing expedition does not provide a good insight into how your actual college experience. Moreover I think these visits are designed to enforce a certain perception of college which may not correspond to the reality. I know it is totally against the CC mentality which puts much weight on such visits but thats the way I see it.</p>

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<p>I'm sorry Fredo, but your post gave me a good laugh. :) :)</p>

<p>Boys can just be like that! I recall, vividly, pulling into the parking lot of Boston College (after struggling through HORRENDOUS traffic to get there) and my son refusing to get out of the car because he didn't want to look at any more colleges. I mean, can you imagine? I was SO mad at him (all I could think about was how SPOILED he was acting - I would have killed for the chance to look at a school like that as a kid). In hindsight though, it's funny. I can see it was my problem, not his. He had never really expressed any interest in visiting BC.</p>

<p>He did eventually look at some schools but he never enjoyed the touring process though. After about 8 schools he simply refused to go anymore. OK, fine. </p>

<p>I think many boys just live more in the here and now. I also think they don't talk about it much among themselves - and my boys go to an all-boy high school so it is even worse.</p>

<p>Think of the possible opposite scenario - a kid who is PULLING his hair out over the whole thing. That would be way worse.</p>

<p>The good news? My son is totally happy with his choice and it was a smooth, relatively painless process (especially painless for him as he never did get very worked up about it). </p>

<p>Good luck!!!</p>

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<p>I am liking more and more the idea of that DVD set that gives you a virtual college tour with student and faculty interviews and lets you see all the facilities, academic buildings, and dorms. I think I will buy a complete set and donate it to the HS library when we are finished.</p>

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<p>fredo;
My son sounds exactly like yours. He came along begrudgingly on the trips we did before he applied. I also made him apply to one in-state (although he was originally interested in it), and I chose the 5 others based on what I knew about his interests and personality. I did alot of research, read CC pretty regularly, and made some choices. He really didn't see the need. </p>

<p>Well, when he got deferred on early admission from his #1 choice (instate-tough to get into), he became grateful for the admissions that HAD come along (4 of these schools had rolling or EA). He had 5 acceptances in hand by New Years along with some unexpected scholarships. He's a good student, but not like many here on CC. The serendipity of the money that came in is another reason to cast at least a small net.....</p>

<p>Anyway, I made him go on one last visit in the spring of his senior year--to Tulane--an accepted students weekend. It turned out to be the ONE.</p>

<p>In retrospect, had I not been pushing him along, he would've ended up at his state school (he ultimately was accepted). However, after attending it unexpectedly for his "Katrina semester", he commented how much more he looked forward to getting back to Tulane. He absolutely loves it there.</p>

<p>I KNOW I did the right thing to guide him through this--tough as it was.
No feedback, no enthusiasm--boy do I feel your pain.</p>

<p>But now, he's matured (a little) and I also know that in his heart he's grateful that I opened his eyes--even when he just wanted to keep them shut.</p>

<p>Stick with it and know that you both WILL feel better in the end when you have explored the options and as a result, HAVE some options.</p>

<p>Good luck!</p>

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<p>During the spring of my junior year I was preparing for my first AP tests, wondering when I was ever going to fit in SAT IIs, worrying about my friend who was very upset following her grandfather's death, worrying about my other friend who was dying of cancer, chomping at the bit to finally take the driving test in a few months, and wondering how I was going to survive the crazy schedule I had picked out for senior year. </p>

<p>That summer I picked out 7 colleges that I wanted to visit and apply to when my parents insisted, still not really caring about colleges. October 19th of my senior year I visisted the school I would eventually attend and in the space of a couple hours I went from not caring at all to caring very much. </p>

<p>Of course my approach freaked my parents out a bit since my older brother was quite the serious one about collge from day one. In the end though, it worked out fine.</p>

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<p>Definitely read "Accept My Kid, Please". Many kids are just like your son. It is an overwhelming process and one designed to make kids who don't like to have lots of conversations with the "parentals" uncomfortable. My niece was very similar- my sister is about to murder her right now because she won't discuss the schools to which she has been accepted. My sister is ready to send her to community college! My son wasn't too bad about the visits because he met with the coaches. He didn't exactly jump up and down, though. I remember one woman who posted on here who had to drag her daughter out of the car at UDelaware, where she ultimately wound up going. They tend to get more interested fall of senior year.</p>

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<p>He says ...Mom ...I have two more years! the only thing he knows is he wants to go to college somewhere Upstate Ny. At least that is a start.</p>

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<p>the whole family dynamic sounds a bit off kilter here. And there are a million and one reasons why, no sense trying to get into them in a public forum or to guess what they might be. A private setting might be a better place -- have you considered a few sessions with a family counselor to help open up the channels of communication?</p>

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<p>Mikemac, the OP's son sounds like a typical teen male. I just had a long conversation over dinner with my husband who had exactly the same reaction when his college prez father suggested colleges to him. Everyone laughs about it now. Maybe you did not react like this but many boys do.</p>

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<p>
[quote]
Maybe you did not react like this but many boys do.

[/quote]
</p>

<p>And girls, at least in my high school class.</p>

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<p>My S saw several colleges that he had applied to AFTER he was accepted. I don't think he cared about the atmosphere or dorm or food. The exception here is he applied last minute as a junior. I would have tried to take him to a few of different sizes the summer after junior year (suburban, city, etc). I think boys focus more on courses than looks.</p>

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<p>The benefits of starting early, e.g., one visit freshman year: the "I'm being dragged to this" look starts to disappear sophomore year and she was actually into it by junior year.</p>