<p>I've had some similair problems with my D. I feel, no... I know I have done more research and reading on colleges than she has. She has always said she wanted to go to college, but not in-state. (I made her apply to one in-state) This is where her imput left off for the most part. For being such a conscientious student, she was infuriating during the application process. It was like pulling teeth. College visits always seemed inconvient. We're down to two schools and I've planned visits for next week...and she bawked about missing track practice. I want her to wake up and realize how important this decision is. Ugh!!</p>
<p>My son was just like that. He hated doing college visits, or discussing it with me. He chose one school that he loved, and only applied there, and somehow managed to pull it together enough to get in. This was two years ago, and now he is an affectionate more mature person who chats with my husband and myself. Each kid approaches this differently. It has to be their process. We came to terms with the community college alternative. If he hadn't gone away, we would all have dealt with the consequenses. But he has done more growing up in the past year and a half than he did in the 5 years before that. Your son will become human again. Have faith!</p>
<p>My S was very similar--had to be dragged to college visits but did realize that he did NOT want to go to a college far from an urban center (after seeing some schools in Rochester) & didn't want too much snow & ice if out of the city. He did NOT want to & would NOT apply to any in-state schools but did half-heartedly apply to a school which will give him a full-ride (AzSU). After battling for weeks/months in the fall of senior year, he finally chose 9 schools & applied to 8 of which he got into 4. He 's planning to attend one of the schools we drove around & he did NOT tour nor does he plan on touring prior to the day he steps into his dorm room. Oh well, I expect it will work out fine.</p>
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[quote]
Anyone else had a son who just won't contribute any input? And when did he finally start to join in?
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</p>
<p>Just wanted to be another mom to reassure you that she went through the same thing. I remember thinking to myself, on that first college tour (at Pomona), that the way my son was shuffling next to me, he made me feel like I'd shackled him and was leading him off to prison. It was awful!</p>
<p>Fortunately, he was invited on a number of official athletic visits to colleges so I didn't have to go with him much more, except on one visit to Williams, which was okay. So, if there is any way your son can go on future visits by spending a weekend with an older schoolmate who is there already, or through a weekend visit arranged through the admissions office, I'd try to do that. </p>
<p>Also, once my son latched on to the school he wanted to apply early action to (and where he is now), he really took control of the process and I didn't have to do much. </p>
<p>I don't know your son, but the "I won't discuss it with you" remark sounds like a very typical teenage boy. Hang in there, they often become a lot more fun starting about April of senior year ;). Of course, then they DO tend to go off to college and not write or call, but that's a different old story!</p>
<p>That was my D junior year. She even said she didn't want to go to college! I was determined to get the process started but was unwilling to go out on a financial limb for an unmotivated student so applications only went out to state schools where she could live away from home (we are in CA). She was accepted to 3 and we went to visit the first 2 with her and she showed ZERO interest in either one, preferring to spend most of one tour on her cell phone!! She arranged to visit the last one on her own with another girl over spring break. After one night there she called to say she had made her choice and would be attending in the fall. I wasn't surprised by her choice and she is happily finishing up her first year at Chico State :).</p>
<p>Same story here...tried to get S interested in a college visit during spring break of jr. year. He said he "didn't have time", teenage code language for "don't bother me".
Summer after jr. year H and I just told him he would be going to tour a school less than two hours from home. S. went along without arguement but made it clear he still wasn't really interested. After the tour, H and I tried to drum up some enthusiasm on the way home...nada. He did end up applying and was accepted with scholarships and honors invite but was never really interested.</p>
<p>Different story...early in senior year same S and best friend decided to take a road trip to school they both applied to. Stayed with an aquaintance already in school there. Went on a tour, not with the admissions office tour but with a senior student( in the dept. they were interested in) that their friend introduced them to. Spent the night and did some student "activites" (the band was sooo awesome) with no parents dragging along.
Came home the next day SO enthusiastic about how much he liked it and couldn't wait to go there. Almost finished with freshman year now and has been very happy.</p>
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Mikemac, the OP's son sounds like a typical teen male
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Agreed. I've given up trying to understand the teen male. And I used to BE a teen male. My Junior son has finally shown a bit more interest in the process, and it sort of came out of nowhere. After several (6 or 7) unenthusiastic visits that accomplished nothing except narrowing his list, he finally, and out of nowhere, became enthusiastic (well, for him) on his last round of visits. I have no idea why.</p>
<p>Clearly, this "disinterest" is pervasive among sons and daughters. If your teen is the "I'm independent and I can make up my own mind without any input from you, just pay the bill" type, then he/she is going to try and keep you out of the whole process, from reading the college guides, through selecting, visiting, and deciding the college he/she will attend. </p>
<p>Last year I took my daughter to see Yale, Wesleyan, and Brown. It happened to coincide with spring break, which also coincided with her 17th birthday. To make it "fun," we stayed in a nice hotel, I took her out to great restaurants, we went shopping at Old Navy in Providence, I bought her clothes and bathing suits, yada yada yada. The trip took four days and cost a small fortune. When we got home, she told me she hated everything we did and it was the worst birthday of her life. Suffice to say, it was the last round of college visits we made! </p>
<p>Now, of course, we should be visiting all the schools that accepted her that we did not visit earlier. She is again "disinterested" in the process. She ignores the emails from the schools that announce chats and overnight visits for accepted students, and she's ruled out half of her acceptances on the basis of I don't know what, since we've never even visited the schools once. Her attitude was driving me crazy until I posted earlier on this board and got some incredibly helpful advice from other parents. In my daughter's case, I believe this apparent disinterest is really a cover-up for her own confusion over whether to grow up or stay a child (although she would deny this if you could get her to sit down and talk to you -- which she won't). </p>
<p>So here's what we did: we stopped talking about making a decision. We have one trip planned to Cornell next week, and at some future date (hopefully before May 1) we'll fly out to Chicago, but I am letting the issue go until she's ready to talk about it with me or make a decision. I suspect in her heart of hearts that she has, in fact, already decided but she won't give me the satisfaction of knowing until April 30, when the deposit needs to be sent out! (For that, she still needs her old mom.)</p>
<p>DS did not want to visit any schools either before acceptances were in. He eventually went to 2, by himself but both of those came with early acceptances! So when the majority of acceptances started to roll in then he started making decisions on which ones to visit. He goes by himself, I have never gone on a school visit, not for the lack of wishing I could!! Finances and commitments to other siblings have kept me from attending, much to my dismay.</p>
<p>One school knew how badly I wanted to see it, so they actually offered to pay for my trip along with son's!!! Son said if I was going, no need for him to go! I could just report back and give him the necessary info.</p>
<p>Son is like his other male counterparts mentioned in this thread. He is approaching this and has been for several years, very methodically with a cost/time efficient bent. He didn't want to visit schools he would either not apply to/not get into and would make visits after. Also as a 3 season athlete he wanted the absences to be in the season of his choosing.</p>
<p>It wasn't just the acceptances, but more importantly the financial aid packages/scholarships/merit awards which would make it feasible for him to attend. </p>
<p>I would like to say that this attitude was just prevalent in my boys but no. Son's older sis is attending a school as a D1 athlete which she went to sight unseen. She was familiar with the coach, the team, the major and the area of the country so she signed and her first day on campus was the day she moved into her dorm. She approached college visits the same way as her brothers and older sis.
And she loves her school!</p>
<p>Son likes to talk about schools/programs/campuses/food/dorms but in an informational way, not in a chatty way with me. He says "This is what I want, this is what they have...decision made, NEXT." But I shouldn't be surprised, he shops the same way, buys whats on the list and he's outta there. Goes to the library gets his books on his list, he's done. I am the browser, I linger, I chat, I ponder....he tries to PATIENTLY wait. Key word tries.</p>
<p>All five of my kiddos are the same. Concise, efficient, no-nonsense, deliberate...just the opposite of me.</p>
<p>So I don't think its boys in particular rather a personality type and maybe their age plays a role as well. But my older ones who are no longer teens are still like that, no-fuss, let's get it done and move on to something else.</p>
<p>Kat</p>
<p>To other CCers unfamiliar with Katwkittens read her son's acceptances and realize he has the MOST amazing list of schools from which to choose, so her post is very enlightening :)
Thanks, Katwkittens.</p>
<p>And, just want to say one of the most "depressing" moments happened when my D would not take the calls from the colleges trying to woo her for soccer. There I stood , phone in hand, with a sweet sounding, well meaning girl on the other end asking to speak to D, </p>
<p>and, from behind a closed bedroom door I would hear , "Mom, not now OC is on" .................grrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr !</p>
<p>Son gives no input at all. He has narrowed his choice to NYU (GSP) and Lafayette. He has already seen both- going to NYU again tomorrow for University Day. Lafayette has similar admitted students day in a few weeks which he won't go to (It's the same thing he already saw!) I'm sure we will also find out on April 30! At this point we have no clue which he favors and as parents, we go back and forth as to which is better fit.</p>
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<blockquote> <blockquote> <blockquote> <blockquote> <p>I believe this apparent disinterest is really a cover-up for her own confusion over whether to grow up or stay a child <<<<</p> </blockquote> </blockquote> </blockquote> </blockquote>
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<p>I totally agree. That is what I was sensing from my son (and many of his friends). On one hand, they want the "independence" of being away from their parents (FREEDOM). BUT, on the other hand, everytime they know that they "need" us or enjoy what we do for them it reminds them what they will be "giving up" when they go to college.</p>
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<blockquote> <blockquote> <blockquote> <p>"Mom, not now OC is on" <<<<</p> </blockquote> </blockquote> </blockquote>
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<p>LOL..... Hey mom, that is what TiVo is for..... ;)</p>
<p>OP, there's a chance that he wants to go to college in the future, but doesn't have the maturity yet to really want to go to college directly after senior year.</p>
<p>My younger S acted very similarly, and by Dec. of senior year, had decided to take a thoughtful gap year doing community service. While I had taken him to colleges junior year, and had also made sure that he visited 2 colleges senior year, it was very clear that I was the one driving the process, not him.</p>
<p>When I backed off, he did nothing to get college apps in. He is a very smart kid and was being recruited by several top colleges, including being offered fly-ins based on academics. Still, his intellectual interest were all over the place, and he didn't have any idea what he wanted to major in. Normally, this wouldn't have been that much of a prob., but his interests ranged from engineering to education, which require very different curricula.</p>
<p>Anyway, when I made it clear that it was OK for him to do a gap year (something I definitely do believe in) so as to learn more about himself and his interests, he did far more pursuing that than he had done anything with the college app process. </p>
<p>He has strengthened his ties with his community service mentor, who has created a summer job for him and also seems to be lining up an Americorps position for him. S has solid plans about what he wants to do in these positions, and is also doing things now that show that he is serious about doing those things and is capable of doing those things. He is very excited and enthusiastic about these options, and he is taking an assertive role in the process and is eagerly telling me what's going on.</p>
<p>I think that a lot of kids simply aren't ready to go to college right after high school, and many give us signals about this, though they aren't able to directly come out and tell us. </p>
<p>Fine to show your S colleges so he knows some of his options. Also help him explore gap year options, making sure that he knows (as my S knows) that gap year wouldn't mean time to sit around the house being supported by parents, but it would mean either structured volunteer work or a job or taking classes in some field that he is interested in and is willing to pay for by working part time (such as if he wants to learn something like carpentry or wants to get EMS training).</p>
<p>What particularly inspired my S to get moving on lining up summer employment was a kindly stated reminder that if he wasn't going to be going to college fulltime in the fall, he'd have to start paying rent this summer shortly after high school ends. Since a quick look at the classifieds had already taught S that he lacks the means to move out on his own, hearing about rent at home brought "home" the message that he needed to line up some way of supporting himself.</p>
<p>Due to the fact that boys mature at a slower rate than girls do, I think it's likely that boys will need some extra time after h.s. to be fully mature enough to take on college and its responsibilities. Just like some parents started have delaying their son's going to kindergarten, I think that there could be a trend in which parents delay their sons' going to college.</p>
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[quote]
Anyone else had a son who just won't contribute any input? And when did he finally start to join in?
[/quote]
Yep. Been there, done that. We found that S would do a half-sentence of feedback after seeing a few schools when we asked him which he liked better so far. That worked. As he saw more schools, the list changed and that's about all the "communication" we got.</p>
<p>But months later, sometime in October of senior year, he (as I've written in the past here on cc) emerged from his lair, with no prompting from us, to announce his first choice and his other possibles. Parental nirvana!</p>
<p>From this ensued a thorough 2-minute discussion (about the best we could get from him on any topic at the time) of the why's and wherefore's. It was all going on in his head, even if he wasn't going to emote about it to us.</p>
<p>I think sometimes boys make their decisions based on just one thing that hits them right. In my case, after 5 visits to similar schools, he interviewed at one that had more flexibility in the core requirements, notably an alternative to the foreign language requirement. (which he has always hated) He was sold and enthusiastic from that moment forward!</p>
<p>fredo, my little sister is the same way.</p>
<p>she's a junior this year and up until recently had no desire to look at colleges at all. then my parents told her she better start scheduling visits and taking her sat's and things like that or else she just simply won't be going. she still told them she didn't want to discuss it.. then she came into my room with all of her books and we went over it all, she combed through all of her mailings and narrowed it down to two majors, and booked visits with four schools. (graphic design or sociology)</p>
<p>I went with on the first tour, about two weeks ago, and all during the tour my parents kept asking her questions about this and that, and she had no answers. the whole way home they asked her questions about this and that, and she still had no answer. she finally told them that she didnt know how to answer their questions because it's her first tour and she didn't have anything to compare it with.. and they let it go.</p>
<p>now today she is on another tour, so i can't wait to see what excuse she comes up with this time.. because I really don't think she wants to discuss it with them. she mentioned to them about majoring in sociology, and they just seemed a bit like "what can you do with that'... and she didn't give them an answer... yet to me she said about also minoring in advertising/marketing as well as criminal justice, that way she could mold her soc degree towards different things, which i thought was a great idea and it actually showed that she HAS been researching things... yet she still hasn't discussed it with our parents. she also told me exactly what she thought of the last school she visited, yet just told them it's nice.</p>
<p>I just think it's something with that age group and talking with their parents.</p>
<p>We saw a huge difference in our two kids. The older D is smarter but did poorly in HS and had little interest in college. She lived at home and attended junior college. The local junior colleges are really pretty good. The smaller classes, individual attention and the chance to make up for poor performance in HS were just what she needed. After junior college she was happy to live at home and attend the local State U. She did really well and finished phi beta kappa. We did not visit any colleges except for the junior college and State U.</p>
<p>The younger D was completely opposite. She worked hard in HS and planned on going away from home to a strong college. College visits started early and included attending summer programs. The visits were so important to her that they became fun family events. She was as opinionated as ever, but actually pleasant without much of the usual teenage moodiness and distance.</p>
<p>I don't think there is much you can do, short of intensive psychotherapy, to change your child's personality and interests. Often the best we can do as parents is to try to understand what is happening and then provide the best support. I've tried, but often it is not easy. Sometimes it just feels like a more drastic approach is needed to catch their attention.</p>
<p>Which DVD set are you talking about? We need that!</p>
<p>My DS wasn't enthusiastic about going on college visits (7 of them), mainly because his junior year was so full of activities and a heavy academic load. The trips were an inconvenience even though we scheduled some during the summer and during vacations. From what I observed, the parents asked most of the questions and the students just sort of tagged along. I don't know if it was due to intimidation, apathy, fatigue, or whatever.</p>
<p>My son had no negative impressions about any of the schools (i.e., he didn't meet a school he didn't like) - he said he could see himself at any of them. All of them had programs and activities that intrigued him. None of them "jumped out" at him for being THE ONE, and he still won't say which ones are at the top of the list. He's tired of people asking him where he's going to school next year.</p>
<p>He's not interested in doing any follow-up visits. Since he received good scholarships, all are equally "do-able." So...May 1st will come and we'll see what he decides.</p>
<p>I think we as parents put greater stock on a lot variables that our students (sons, in particular) don't - specifics about the dorms, food, climate. My DS is pretty flexible and easygoing and realizes that his choice represents only a brief chapter in his life - he will apply himself wherever he ends up. So, as his parents, we're at peace with trusting him to his judgement (even though, as his mom, it DOES drive me a little nuts!)</p>