<p>So sorry. I zig-zagged myself with the topic...
When our son was in high school, he would not talk about college applications either.
It was a completely different story with my daughter who just finished the process.</p>
<p>So glad your son found his path in his own way. It sounds like your support has helped him do what works best for him. You are so right that different folks need different routes to get what works best for them. Your son sounds like a very independent & self-reliant young man. He's probably the envy of most of his friends, with his own condo, job & getting his business degree. With real estate prices as they are, I wonder how long it will take his friends to be able to buy a place, especially if they had to take out big loans for college & are still job-hunting or perpetual students?</p>
<p>Follow up to my post #41. S played high school golf and occasionally ventured out on a more national circuit. Signed him up to play a tournament at Duke in the summer after his sophomore year. Made it a family weekend...didn't push the college thing but did the drive-through and went to the student center...Ate in a couple of the college bars. Again, he got a feel of the college scene without even realizing it. Think there's a lot to be said for summer sports camps, leadership retreats, anything that can get a kid on a campus without the parent pushing him too strongly.</p>
<p>Pesto (post #50) - I second that recommendation to read Zits. There is so much in that comic strip that our family can relate to and oftentimes it opens up conversations with my DS as we try to bridge the generation/gender/personality gap and better understand each other.</p>
<p>One of my favorites goes like this:</p>
<p>Jeremy (the son): (coming to breakfast table) Yawn!
Mom: Good morning, Jeremy!
J: mbm (translation: "Hi")
Mom: Big day at school today?
J: mblmbm (translation: "Not really)
J: mhnvnvmbmzz (translation: "I have an algebra quiz")
J: mbtthlmnrml (translation: "But other than that, it looks pretty normal")
J: mbmnks (translation: "Thanks for...
J: msknmm (translation: "...asking")
Mom: (looking beleaguered) I think he mumbles like that just to bug me.
Dad: (helpfully) Every teenager should come with subtitles.</p>
<p>(With apologies to Jerry Scott and Jim Borgnan for what got lost in translation)</p>
<p>The best advice I got from my parents I learned from their example. I come from a middle income family with 7 kids. I am the oldest girl.</p>
<p>On various occasions, each of my parents would take ONE child somewhere for a quiet lunch -- just two people -- ONE parent and ONE child. I still have fab memories of those times -- talking and sharing. I have one special memory of my dad taking me to dinner and then he took me to the "just released" Mary Poppins. Just Daddy and me!!! What a treat! I felt so "grown up" when I was probably only in the first or second grade.</p>
<p>Fast Forward to now. We have two high school boys and we have been following my parents example for quite awhile now. I LOVE taking one boy out for lunch. I often don't have to say much. It's amazing what one son will say when he knows that dad or brother aren't there to hear. And, hubby has similar experiences -- a son will tell him stuff knowing that mom & brother aren't there to hear.</p>
<p>So... if you want to get your boy to talk to you..... spend quiet time with him alone. (Don't make a big deal out of it. Don't say that you are doing this in order to get him to talk to you!!!! Just quietly do it and just let talking happen. AND, don't do all the talking yourself!!! If necessary to get a conversation "going", bring up a "safe topic" such as something interesting in the news. Or, ask their opinion of something or ask for THEIR advice about something.)</p>
<p>This does work to some degree. We found that son talks differently when it's just him & dad. Dad has been picking him up from school & bringing him home. They get into all sorts of discussions about a wide range of topics with just the two of them in the car. Daughter & I also have some pretty interesting discussions when its just the two of us. Sometimes, it helps to just be "a fly on the wall" when the two kids are in the car chatting between themselves too or when their friends are in the car & chatting.
I was one of 7 kids too. The FIRST time I can remember time with just me & my folks was when I was a sophomore in college & met them in Nevada during a break. It was a very special time for me & we created a lot of memories.
Still gotta say, my son is a lot less talkative than daughter, but he & his dad have a special bond that warms my heart. Dad & daughter have a neat bond too, but it's different. I have a bond with each kid as well & they with one another. I think one thing that intrigues all of us is that dad is much more conservative & pro-military & pro-NRA than son & I are, so it's nice to understand that persective. Son is pretty quiet about all of that.</p>
<p><<<< Sometimes, it helps to just be "a fly on the wall" when the two kids are in the car chatting between themselves too or when their friends are in the car & chatting. >>>></p>
<p>so true.... I've learned a great deal from driving a son and classmates to various field trips over the years. </p>
<p>Yet it is amazing what a child will confide when it's just him and one parent. A son will tell me of a "hurt" or an embarrassing thing at school that he would never reveal to a group or a sibling.</p>
<p>That is true. I've also noticed that it has to be on the kid's terms when they want to confide. It seems that when we're driving to or from school & bedtime are favorite times for them to start getting "chatty." I don't understand why & wish they would start earlier rather than when I'm tired & getting grumpy (& worry about them waking tired & grumpy the next day). Oh well, I go with the flow & try to get them to go to bed earlier so they can do a "stream of consciousness" if they're so inclined.
My daughter gets pretty chatty if you give her a nice massage too some nights. Son would rather be left alone & go to sleep on his own terms.</p>
<p>Studious Mom - your story reminds me of actually the first college visit I really tried to get my son on. Last July, he qualified for the boys state golf championship which was held at IU. Since he had an early tee off time, we went the night before and I told him that since we were there, we might as well drive around the campus. Drive, just drive (it was a Sunday night in July so there was nothing to get out and look at). He said no because there was no way he was going to IU. I said all he had to do was look around and not even get out of the car. He said no because he wasn't going to IU. So we went to dinner and I purposely (yes, and sneakily) picked a place where we had to drive through campus to get to it. As we're driving, he's got his head down looking at the floor mats. I tried to point out a building or two and -still staring straight down - he said: "I'm not looking! I'm not going to IU!" </p>
<p>Obviously, IU is off the list.</p>
<p>My son is just a non-talker. As a matter of fact, he literally didn't start saying words until he was 3 years old - we even had him a special learning program for language delayed kids where they were starting to teach him sign language. He didn't say the word "mommy" until 3 years old - and when he did, it was music to my ears. The funny thing is, he was never frustrated and managed to communicate very well non-verbally with all the other kids. So it's pretty much a life-long pattern that is compounded by being a teenage male. Doesn't matter if we're riding in the car, watching TV (which is actually where we have the most interaction) or going out to dinner - he's a pretty non-verbal guy.</p>
<p>My younger brother didn't start talking until he was 3 either & then he spoke in complete sentences. He married a wonderful woman & we all ask her to interpret him to us because NONE of us (including her) can read his mind. <grin> He's a very successful doctor & pretty happy anyway, but still not very verbal. It takes all kinds of folks to make a world. He never talked about colleges to my folks, just went ahead & applied & got into the most prestigous school but they refused to pay & sent him to state U. He then applied as a 2nd semester sophomore & was accepted again & they finally relented & let him attend, where he graduated with honors after just two years tuition. He knew what he wanted & went after it, just didn't share much with the rest of the world.</grin></p>
<p>Just a reminder that there is a lot really going on behind the scenes with the non-talking S. When my S was named NM semifinalist, I told him he needed to identify a couple schools to put on the application even if they weren't places he was sure he wanted to go. He went away and googled something and came back with a list of about 6 schools that might be on his list of possibilities. That was the end of that. As the SAT and ACT approached, he decided on 3 that he would put on the test to receive his scores...No real discussion...just something he did on his own. Over time, he began to tell anyone who asked that he was "keeping his options open"...He showed a bit of an inclination toward Duke but I thought it was mostly because of the basketball program. Anyhow, on his list was UVA---totally his own choice---I didn't know much about it and certainly never tried to steer him that way and we never have known anyone who goes there. Senior year we visited Duke and UVA...still no real excitement and didn't really like the info sessions, but he "liked UVA a lot"...To make a long story short, we got a "likely letter" from UVA and he said he was "excited on the inside"...a lot like Jeremy and Zits...I secretly ordered a sweatshirt and car decal..When the acceptance came, it took him all of 2 minutes to put the sticker on his car and I don't think he's taken the sweatshirt off yet. The moral is: Don't underestimate your kid...they've got a lot more together than we sometimes give them credit for...and they will end up where THEY want to be.</p>
<p>Yep, our silent men can be "deep thinkers" but reluctant to voice what they're really thinking because they don't want to commit too early. My son sabotagued our attempts to get him to apply to AzSU because he really doesn't want to go--he applied by submitting the ap & scores but NOT requesting transcripts. He managed to get all the other aps in on time & completely. He choose two schools (SCU & USC) he thought would give him good merit aid & be a good match & both did accept him with nice merit aid. He will be sending in his deposit this month at one of them & the school is a great fit for him.</p>
<p><<<< but reluctant to voice what they're really thinking because they don't want to commit too early. >>>>></p>
<p>Yes! I do think this is going on, too. </p>
<p>and, I just think that they are afraid of change.....</p>
<p>and, they sometimes have "pre-judged" some schools and won't consider them (as Fredo said in #70). </p>
<p>Fredo, you may have had a bit better luck if you hadn't "said" anything and had just driven to a popular college hangout restaurant that is very close to the campus. </p>
<p>For instance, my son has said (over and over) that he won't even apply to a nearby state school (as a safety). However, one day when both boys were in the car, I told our younger son that we were going to go into the college parking lots so he could practice driving (the college was on spring break). As son was driving around the various parking lots and driving thru the college, my older son commented that he had no idea that this college was so big. (Guess he thought it was just the one building he had often seen from the street.) Now, I'm not saying whether he will now apply to it as a safety, but at least he was able to see it without any "pressure" from me. The lack of pressure allowed him to look at the college with "opened eyes".</p>