First ever essay-constructive criticism needed

Test Preparation SAT Preparation
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<p>Though I have done a few practice tests out of the BB, I just ignored the essay portion of the exam. After finally doing one, I have realized the harsh reality that the essay actually counts, and that it requires a lot more preparation than I expected. Can people please score my essay and give me advice on how to improve?</p>

<p>Excerpt thing: Nowadays nothing is private: our culture has become too confessional and self-expressive. People think that to hide one’s thoughts or feelings is to pretend not to have those thoughts or feelings. They assume that honesty requires one to express every inclination and impulse. – Adapted from J. David Velleman, “The Genesis of Shame”
Promt: Should people make more of an effort to keep some things private?</p>

<p>I agree with author J. David Velleman that “nowadays nothing is private”. With new forms of communication such as cell phones and the internet, people’s lives are more connected now than ever before. Though some may view this as a good thing, others, including myself, think that it comes at a cost: the invasion of our privacy.
The desire for privacy is a part of human nature. When people don’t get enough, it tends to impact them negatively. An example of this is the daily struggle of celebreties to get some privacy. Because of paparratzi and millions of fans, many of them can’t do the things we take for granted like being able to go out in public without being harassed. The desire for privacy has caused many famous people such as J.D. Salinger and Harper Lee to become reclusive.
Another reason that people should fight to keep certain things private is the risk of identity theft. With new technology allowing people to bank and shop online comes the risk that hackers might steal your personal information and ruin you financially. Because everything on the internet us open, people must now fear that someone could be tracking them.
Many people currently fear that the government is secretly monitering everything they do online or say over the phone. Though the CIA does often use these techniques to help stop potential threats to national security (such as terrorist attacks), they are an invasion of our pricacy (I completely made this part up). In fact, the Bill of Rights includes an amendment forbiding “unreasonable search and seizure”, in order to help protect the privacy of the people.
Though information can now be globally shared in a matter of seconds, that does not mean that privacy is any less important than it was before. Because of these new threats to personal privacy, people must fight harder than ever before to mantain it.</p>

<p>(End of Essay)</p>

<p>I felt like I started off strong with the thesis, but I kind of froze after I wrote it, and couldn't think of any supporting examples. The whole second paragraph was just a result of me forcing my hand to write SOMETHING, since I really needed to fill up room. Any advice on how to pick good examples would be much appreciated.</p>

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<p>1) Don’t read the excerpt. In your intro paragraph, all you have to do is to read is the question and answer it (and introduce your examples). In turn, you should be more direct in answering the question in your intro paragraph. You implied that people need privacy, but you did not answer the question, “Should people make more of an effort . . . ?”
2) Think about what the question asks. If your answer is yes–people should make more of an effort–then the implication is that people are not putting enough effort into it. The initial statement could be that people are too often put in bad situations that could be avoided if they try to keep their personal things private. This statement would answer the question directly. Your specific example could be that one hears on the news that someone is being stalked, spied on, etc. way too often. All you have to do is think about one example in your life (something you heard, something you experienced) that pertains to that idea and expand upon it. It seems like you drew on the concept of ‘privacy’ as opposed to something that is more specific to the question, whether one should be more private.</p>

<p>I can’t help you when it comes to specific examples because I can’t think of any. Sorry.</p>

<p>Just realize that the essay is pretty straightforward–answer the question and keep supporting it; the hardest part is thinking of examples, so don’t weigh yourself down by thinking you need to read the excerpt, use big vocabulary, etc.</p>