First paragraph, potentially risky, should I keep going?

College Essays
1

<p>I'm on a bit of a writing spree right now, having just finished the first paragraph of my "unplanned", sporatic essay. I plan on going into details of how I overcame this obstacle, while managing to achieve great success (3.9 GPA, top 8%/400 student class, varsity athletics, volunteer, ect.) in highschool. What do you think of my first paragraph so far? Should I keep going, or is this a huge redflag essay? Thank you for your input. </p>

<pre><code> On February 22, 2006, my mother and I sat in the Cleveland Clinic, as Dr. Ellen Rome prepared my admission papers. She stated that if we’d have come in a couple hours later even, it would have been “too late”. Reality had slipped away from my ill mind at that point, so I was unaffected by this statement. However, I watched my mother try to hide her tears, while watching her 13 year old, 5’4”, 70 lb. daughter knocking on deaths door. That night, while waking in and out of a restless sleep, Anorexia Nervosa attempted to steal my life. Although, God had other plans in mind, deciding it was not my time. This was more than a scare, more than a wakeup call. This was the declaration of my second chance at life. That very moment, I made a promise to myself that I would take this second chance, and run with it as far as I possibly could.
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2

<p>It’s a fine start. It’s been done before, but if you write from the heart, it could be really powerful and moving.</p>

3

<p>keep it practical.</p>

<p>admissions officers don’t want you to tell them a story like this unless it is relavent to college in an obvious way. so make it obvious and it can be a great essay.</p>

4

<p>i don’t see how it’s risky. keep it personal like that</p>