It’s my first year at college and I was reluctantly a medicine student, it didn’t work out so I transferred to graphic design, something a little closer to something I would like. It was neat, but I was always a little behind in my classes, was incredibly stressed with the projects, and never really made any good friends. So during the winter break I dropped out of that university and signed up in a new one was much better reputation and just sounded better overall. I’d be studying design in general, where I would learn a little bit of each of each branches which felt much better than just graphic design, since I still didn’t feel 100% with it.
This week is my first as an irregular student (taking classes from both 1st and 2nd semester), and the first day left me feeling really anxious and overwhelmed. The classes I’ve seen so far are those from 2nd semester and everyone looks pretty advanced from whatever they did in the 1st one and they already seem really friendly each other. But I guess that’s not really the thing here. Yes sure, the career and what I would learn does sound pretty cool and is what is closest to me, but I still feel doubt concerning the future and if it’s really right for me. I don’t really feel passionate and 100% comfortable and I don’t know if that’s normal or not. In my previous university I took a personal evaluation test, and the professional who did it said I had low intelligence, low self-esteem, low creativity, and low influence on others. And it has affected me with everything I do because as I understood it, everything is just 100x harder for me and I’m just not good enough.
This week is barely the first and I already feel like I can’t cope with the rest of the semester. My mind has completely shut off and I can’t even bring myself to do the one assignment I have to do today. I just don’t feel like I can do it. There are two main reasons, according to me: 1) I don’t feel entirely comfortable with the whole college experience in general, I just felt like I was kind of rushed into it because it’s expected of me and I suppose I don’t have a choice, when I really preferred taking a gap year to really research what major and university was ideal to me and 2) I actually suffer from depression and social anxiety and maybe even something similar to ADHD or something, all of which is of course untreated and self-diagnosed, so I already have a personal hell of my own and it’s definitely not helping me with all of these issues. It’s just getting worse with the years.
I just need to tell someone, I don’t think I can force myself to live like this any longer. I’m stressed and anxious and just really tired. I dread waking up and having to go to class and have all of those upcoming projects. It’s a really good school and my parents are paying for my education so me feeling this way makes me feel even worse. And I’ve only just begun in a major that is majorly dependent of creativity, which I definitely lack with the state of things. I don’t know how to explain it to my parents, I know I’ve been letting them down with my doubts and there is a big pressure on me, but I don’t know how they’ll react (they think gap years are a waste and that someone as young as me shouldn’t be having mental problems). The idea of trying makes want to cry. I just need help. I hope someone out there can give me some advice, I’d really appreciate it.
I’m hoping the school you’re at has a counseling center. If that’s the case, go there ASAP and make an appointment. You may have to wait a little while, as they tend to be busy at the start of the semester, but meeting with a professional is probably the best thing you can do for yourself right now. You say that you think you have depression, anxiety, and possibly ADHD, and you might be right about all of those. However, if you have to take a medical withdrawal from your school, or if you need academic accommodations, you will probably need documentation of your health problems, so a self-diagnosis won’t help.
It’s definitely understandable that you lack creativity, given the circumstances; that absence of drive is one of the hallmark signs of depression. When you meet with a counselor, you can try to figure out the best path for you. Maybe you can meet with a dean and get a reduced schedule. Maybe you could take this semester off. Maybe you would benefit from tutoring. I don’t think anyone on here can determine the best path for you; only you can decide that – with the help of someone who has aided students in difficult positions before.
You need to take a deep breath. You said yourself that this is barely the first week, and it’s your first year. It takes time to settle into a school, make friends, and get used to the pace of your classes. It also takes time to build passion for a subject. The more coursework you experience and the more people in the field you talk to, the more you’ll be able to tell whether or not Graphic Design is something that you enjoy. It’s completely normal to feel uncertain and uncomfortable at this point.
That “personal evaluation” test you took sounds absolutely awful and not at all helpful. More than that, those kinds of tests are guides but never facts or rules. Things are harder for you right now because you’re struggling with mental illness (you say it’s self-diagnosed but based on your story, it’s very plausible). Not because you’re just naturally a less capable person; mental illness is definitely treatable and it can be overcome. But left untreated, it definitely will affect your abilities to concentrate on your schoolwork.
Most colleges have some kind of counselling center. I highly recommend that you look into this. Your college experience will be so much easier and happier if you don’t have the added weights of mental illness on your shoulders. Moreover, therapists are ideal people to tell your problems to. They may be able to give guidance on whether taking a leave of absence something you should do, and help you communicate with your parents about what’s going on. This should be your priority #1. College and your career goals can wait; your mental health cannot.
I was in a similar situation to you my sophomore year. Dealing with depression and social anxiety; skipping all of my classes to hide in my room and sleep; not sure what I wanted to do; feeling like everyone else was happy and knew what they were doing, wanting to give up but feeling pressured to keep going for my parents, who already felt frustrated and embarrassed that I was dealing with mental illness. Counselling and being honest with the people who were close to me is what really helped me get back on my feet. It may seem like you’re in a deep, deep hole, but there are people on your campus who can help you if you know where to look.