<p>My first year D is already talking about transferring somewhere else after her first year. I keep telling her it's so early in the game, she needs to give Smith a good try. She likes the school but doesn't love it; she is feeling pretty home sick I think; we're from Virginia and she won't be home until Thanksgiving (and riding the bus at that, because air fare is so ridiculous. Why doesn't Smith have a whole week break for Thanksgiving? that's another topic...). I keep trying to encourage her that things will get better; she is making friends, has been to some clubs that she seems interested in, she loves the classes and the professors. Something just isn't clicking (yet) for her and I'm hoping for some guidance on how I should direct her. I don't want her to be miserable but I don't want her to throw in the towel too soon either. Help?!?</p>
<p>Find out if one source of your D’s problem(s) is her housing situation. My D was a first year last year at MHC last year. All was fantastic until February when D had problems with her roommate. It got so bad that they completely stopped talking to each other. My D was extremely unhappy, and, like your D, wanted to go elsewhere, anywhere. What she could have done, is get a new housing situation – there usually are openings somewhere. D never had problems with her classes, etc., but the roommate situation made everything else difficult. This year, with a new roomate, things are vastly improved.</p>
<p>Also, get a cell phone calling plan that lets you talk to one another for free. Many phone calls DO help, on both ends.</p>
<p>You might want to spring for the expensive airfare (also consider Amtrak). Her well-being is more important than your bank account. You don’t want to kick yourself later for not spending some money. Maybe she can skip a few days of classes on either side of the weekend. Thanksgiving weekend is really a horrible time to travel. Busses are terribly over-crowded, as well as trains and airports. An early departure or return might help. Also, maybe she can get a ride in a car to DC? Cheaper and less hassle.</p>
<p>My D transferred TO Smith.</p>
<p>The transfer deadlines are next semester, so she has time. And even if she applies for a transfer and is accepted, she doesn’t have to decide until May.</p>
<p>So I wouldn’t worry too much about it. She might change her mind, or she might know more certainly by then that she wants to transfer.</p>
<p><em>hugs</em></p>
<p>To be honest with you, sounds like she’s right on schedule! October is a hard month. The rush and excitement (and bewilderment) of orientation/registration/Convocation/Mountain Day are over, the work is starting to mount, and worst of all…it’s Parent’s Weekend. Which really sucks when your parents can’t come. Especially when you’re a first-year. If she’s already feeling a little homesick, she’s definitely going to in the run up and midst of Parent’s Weekend. </p>
<p>It sounds like in general, she has the hallmarks of success. She’s making friends, she’s participating, she’s enjoying her classes. It doesn’t sound like there’s a major reason to transfer, other than perhaps general malaise? In all likelihood that will abate in time. Plus I always think that’s a not so good reason to transfer, as unless you can really understand the root cause of the malaise, it’s hard to know if a transfer is going to fix it. There are plenty of girls at Smith (my roommate was one) who transfer after a year, and then transfer back after just a semester away, realizing that the thing that was bugging them wasn’t going to be fixed just by a change of scenery. </p>
<p>I agree, she should try and see if she can carpool back home for the break if possible. There are tons of DC-MD-VA Smithies not to mention Five College kids, and a few must be driving home? When I was a student we used an online messenger board to make those connections, that site is defunct now, but I bet there’s something similar? I know the short Thanksgiving seems unfair, but Smith gives you five weeks off in the winter, so that’s a pretty big compensation. Plus, Thanksgiving is only slightly over one month away, which will speed by with her classes. </p>
<p>Have you tried video chatting? Care packages? Text messaging (on down days, I love getting a text message from my Dad that just says “Hi” with a smiley. He’s not a great texter by any means, but he’s learned that much) it’s not the same as having your parents there with you, but the little touches definitely help, take it from a kid who spent the last six years of her life (college plus after) over 2000 miles from her family. Over time, it does get easier to bear, especially at Smith where you have your great network of friends and housemates to stand in for your family when needed.</p>
<p>Thanks all…we are going up for Parents weekend in a little over 2 weeks. We called and offered to arrange to get her home this weekend and she thanked us but said she was going to stay. We talked about some of her concerns – that yes, I’m not sure really will be cured by moving to another school but the distance from home is a big one. I think the roommate situation might be a factor, although when asked she says it’s OK. (Having a single next year would be great though, and you can’t get that at a lot of colleges!). I don’t think we have talked that long on the phone to her before (she’s not a big phone talker) so I know she’s down to keep us on the phone. We’ll skype her this weekend. Her “close friends” are going away but she did say not everyone was leaving and she has some tentative plans one day with one girl in her house who is staying. So will text/skype/call and stay in touch through this weekend and see her in 2 weeks. I do agree that this is probably typical to feel this way in October – have been gone from home for 5 weeks, reality of classwork setting in. I told her that too and we have agreed to seriously revisit this over the long winter break, and if she still feels that she needs to be somewhere else then that will be the time to start applications. The ability to communicate with people so easily is great on the one hand, but it also lets her see that all her friends back home at schools in state are going home for the weekend with ease, are visiting each other, and she doesn’t have any “old” friends at schools any closer to Smith than DC.</p>
<p>It’s great that you’re going up for Parent’s Weekend, that’s going to be a big help to her I’m sure. Try to resist the urge to bring her home over the weekend (it’s good that she resiste too). My roommate, the one who transferred out then transferred back, said prior to transferring that she felt socially disconnected at Smith. But one of the big reasons for that is that she was going home almost every weekend to see her significant other or her parents, so she missed all the informal socializing that the rest of us had that really helped cement our bonds to each other and to the school. </p>
<p>You’ll probably get a better sense when you go up for Parent’s weekend if she’s dealing with a major unhappiness or a temporary discomfort. You might also remind her that she’s not alone in feeling this way. There are lots of her classmates whose families are even further away than hers, maybe in other countries, so she’s in the same boat as everyone else. Sometimes when you’re lonely it helps to be reminded that your experience is not quite as unique as you think, it can help erode that feeling of isolation. </p>
<p>Your plan sounds like a good one, revisit the whole issue during winter break, see how she feels then.</p>
<p>my daughters first year she 3 of her friends talked about transferring in the fall which made her think aboutit as well. All of them ended up staying (one also because of distance from home)I’m not sure Smith is a perfect fit for any of them - is any college? but all of them are happy and happy they stayed. Especially with the option to go do time off campus (and Smith has a program in DC) that can mitigate things. She can always look at the option to transfer so she feels she has options which actually may make her see her current situation more positively since she won;t feel “trapped” I’d say 8-%% for my D 's friends had a really rough spot first year and second guessed their choices. I also think that the choice to transfer is sometime the right one and better done early since you get more of a full experience where ever you end up. I agree that the newness wears off and reality sets in around now but I thin that is true most places. Good luck!</p>
<p>I’ll confess, my first year I had serious thoughts of transferring. I missed home terribly (not even my parents, just the different culture of home), the winter was LONG and COLD, and Smith wasn’t what I wanted it to be academically. My roommate’s parents came often and most of my friends went home far more often than I could, adding to my feeligns. No one knew that (not even my parents) and I just kind of suffered by myself until I decided that I was going to make it work. </p>
<p>My advice, is support your daughter and be there for her BUT, do not let her come home early. If i had gone home, I don’t think I would have been able to stay. By forcing myself to integrate fully into Smith, things got way better</p>
<p>I hope this passes and things get better!</p>
<p>One of D’s friends transferred from Smith to UChicago - - and after a year, transferred back to Smith. The grass isn’t always greener/better on the other side of the fence.</p>
<p>Short term pain,long term gain? </p>
<p>Smith is on the opposite coast and D was definitely put into a position where visiting home other than at Winter and Spring breaks was not possible. (Thanksgiving was just too short, given the penalty of travel time.) </p>
<p>The upside is that she really worked to bond at Smith and when she got a terrific job offer on the East Coast, she was already used to dealing with the distance. It also made her semester abroad a lot easier: 8,000 miles wasn’t much more than 2,700 miles, push come to shove.</p>
<p>Another reality is that many high school friendships evaporate with the passage of time, no matter what.</p>
<p>While you do need to give your daughter time to get used to Smith, you also need to listen to her thoughts and feelings. Maybe Smith just isn’t what she’s looking for. Women’s colleges aren’t right for everyone. And Smith is expensive, too. If she wants to go to a state school in Virginia–there are so many good ones–then maybe it would be better for everyone. She needs to make absolutely sure that’s what she wants, though, because if she transfers back to Smith, she’ll have NO merit aid.</p>
<p>Only time will tell whether your daughter dislikes her experience and location enough to transfer. You and she will have to wait it out. The fact that she “likes but doesn’t love” Smith suggests to me that she is working through issues unrelated to the college itself. As odd as it sounds, she may feel that she is no longer part of the family, that home is no longer home; I went through that bizarre subconscious process when my parents moved when I was a sophomore. You might want to take the suggestions above to help establish that you both miss her and are excited for her new opportunities. Fill her in with details, even mundane ones, from home via email, Skype, and/or phone. Although she may not respond, she will enjoy the connection to you and won’t feel as though she is cut off from the family.</p>
<p>It may also be that she has had to readjust her expectations. If she had idealized Smith, then she could be disappointed that it wasn’t as she had imagined. Or maybe grades are an issue. First-years at every university discover that college standards are tougher than high school standards, and some of them find that the gap between their current skills and their professors’ expectations is huge. When this last happens, students are bewildered at first – after all, they got good grades in high school – and then they start to scramble to figure out what they need to do. If you discover this is the case with your daughter, urge her to talk with her professors during office hours. Smith professors are incredibly accessible and eager to talk with students. </p>
<p>My daughter didn’t come home for any of the October breaks. We live a five-hour car ride away, but it is much longer by bus because of all the connections. She didn’t want to waste her break time. One year she stayed in NYC with a friend. Another year a few of them went to Boston for the day. Still another, she and her friends rented DVDs and had a film marathon. My daughter also appreciated the extra time to catch up on anything – reading, papers, projects – that was looming.</p>
<p>The problem with family weekend is that it often falls during midterms, which means that your daughter may be more stressed than you’d like. Don’t take this as a bad sign because every student start feeling more stressed out as the semester gets closer to the end. </p>
<p>As for Thanksgiving, I don’t know any colleges that give a whole week off. Some professors may decide to cancel class that week since half the students go home early anyway. Even if they don’t, your daughter may be able to miss a class or two. She needs to check her syllabus, though, for tests/quizzes that week. I had a colleague once who used to give a quiz on the Tuesday before Thanksgiving, thus screwing up a lot of student plans to go home.</p>
<p>It’s not the end of the world if your daughter decides to transfer. A large percentage of college graduates get their diploma from a college different from the one where they first matriculated. That’s just how things are. But my guess, based on the like-not-love statement, is that your daughter will feel much more comfortable and connected to Smith by the end of next semester.</p>
<p>@ktdid92- fyi–Smith does not give the kind of “merit” aid you may be thinking of. They only give very, very limited Stride and Zollman scholarships to a tiny number of students.</p>
<p>[Virginiamama- I am not suggesting that your daughter does not have one of these; am only trying to correct kt’s possible misinformation regarding merit aid at Smith]</p>
<p>Actually my D is a Zollman/Stride scholar, so in her case that is leaving some serious merit aid on the table if she leaves. But we’re still paying more even with the merit aid than in state public tuition…don’t qualify for any need aid at Smith or in state (that is an entirely new thread of frustration for us!)</p>
<p>The Zollman/STRIDE has benefits beyond the money, so she should not take transferring lightly; however, if she is still unhappy in the spring, the benefits of leaving the Zollman behind increase dramatically. She needs to be happy.</p>
<p>I don’t know if it helps or not, but my firstie daughter is also very homesick. Maybe your daughter can take comfort that there are others out there in the same boat, like SmithieandProud said. At least that’s what I tell my daughter. I admit to some homesickness my first year in college, but by year 2 I rarely left the place. If your daughter wants someone to commisserate with, PM me and maybe we can get the girls together. BTW my daughter is also a STRIDE, so they have that in common as well.</p>
<p>Since Smith has the long (and later than most schools) break D is spending 3 days on campus at The Other School with different friends and going to classes with them. SO – she has applied, and is going back next week to Smith, and providing she gets accepted, she will have a big decision to make. Dad and I are making HER make the decision, although I (often to her dismay) have been playing Devil’s Advocate on both sides of the question for her as things come up. Whatever she decides is fine, and as a previous poster said, she needs to be happy.</p>
<p>Well, good luck to her. It sounds like you and her dad are being very supportive without being invasive. If she’s still unhappy in January, she may really be in need of a change.</p>