<p>Has anyone had their child confess to unhappiness with college choice past the beginning adjustment stage in freshman year? My daughter is more than halfway through freshman year (can I mention college name?) -- at her overwhelming first choice school -- and after a seemingly smooth adjustment (great roommates, met compatible friends, not too homesick, handling workload fine, made Dean's List first semester, etc.) came home for Spring Break and confessed she's not happy there and never really has been! She says she doesn't feel at home there and doesn't even remember why she liked it so much when she chose it. She says the friendships she's made seem phony and she feels very isolated from everyone from home (3 hour drive from home). My gut response is to push back and tell her she needs more time to adjust -- she hasn't joined any clubs (hangs with mostly the same group all the time), it's been a VERY long winter in the Northeast for all of us (she's in VT), and she has a boyfriend in Boston who she misses and I think that above all might be keeping her from being open to this new experience. I don't want to totally dismiss her feelings if they are legitimate. Any advice?</p>
<p>Is she just venting or expressing the feelings that come with âseparatingâ from what was familiar? If so it might not mean anything and all she needs is someone to âtalk at.â If sheâs filled out transfer applications or is talking about not returning in the fall then it might be time to have a discussion about âwhat comes next.â It is a long winter and the excitement of freshman fall is only a memory.</p>
<p>My sister is going thru this currently with her daughter. She was positive that this was the only school for her but has hated it since day one. She will most likely be transfering after this year is complete , though no solid effort to seek out alternatives has happened yet.
The school was your basic suitcase school with little to do socially , and she is a pretty shy girl too , so that didnât help. Her original roommate left before classes even began , and the retention rate is pretty bad.</p>
<p>If she has made an honest effort to settle in and feels like itâs not a good fit, I wouldnât dismiss her impulse.</p>
<p>Does she have some sense of where she might feel at home?</p>
<p>My daughter transferred out of the University of South Carolina after her freshman year, and is now happy at Ithaca College - and yes, they are two very different schools!</p>
<p>The only thing is that if she wants to apply to transfer, her time is running out â I believe many deadlines for transfer applications are March 15.</p>
<p>My niece is unhappy at her college and she is a freshman also. She has been unhappy since after the first two weeks of classes, has no friends, spends all her time alone, is not interested in most of how the other students spend their time (drinking and partying and going after boys). She is a sociable girl and has lots of friends back home, but this college is just not the right fit for her. Too small and if you do not fit in, you are kinda out of the group. So she has sent in numerous applications to transfer and is now waiting for the results. Sometimes it just isnât the right fitâŠ</p>
<p>Her feelings are legitimate since theyâre her feelings. The question is what to do about it. She also might need a reality check. A few issues to come to terms with - </p>
<ul>
<li><p>Some people have built up an image of a âdream collegeâ in their minds, usually reinforced by family and friends who are also excited for them. Itâs hard to say what they had built this up to in their minds but once theyâre actually there, living in a dorm, having to go to class, having to do HW, having to take tests, having the occasional lousy prof, dealing with different people, not being home - the reality may not live up to dream. The person needs to realize that depending on the build up, there might be no college that could live up to it.</p></li>
<li><p>âHomeâ isnât the same as it was when she left. Usually many of the friends are off at their own colleges or have otherwise moved on in their lives with work, relationships, etc. What she had for her view of the friend scenario, i.e. hanging out, going places, etc., will likely not be the same if she moved back. Also, the parental relationship usually changes somewhat. Sheâs now used to some level of independence that she likely wouldnât have at the same level if she moved back in the house.</p></li>
<li><p>College isnât, IMO, meant to be âhomeâ. Itâs really a place to get an education. If one expects that itâll be a wonderful new âhomeâ they might be disappointed. The best outlook, IMO, is that college is meant to serve the purpose of providing an education and thatâs what should be expected. Itâs a snapshot of time - like doing a long business trip or having to go on temporary duty elsewhere. You live there for the 4 years or whatever, obtain the service, and âthenâ start to move onto the next phase of life which may involve establishing a real home, starting new friend relationships, etc.</p></li>
<li><p>Does she think her issues will truly be resolved by moving home and/or going to a different college? Itâs possible they might not be since she might find the locale is different but the issues the same. She likely already has thousands of other people her age in the same location at the same point in their lives and therefore have a lot in common with her so if she canât find a friend or two that she considers reasonable friends from that pool, why would she expect to find them elsewhere? Maybe sheâs not seeking enough, not putting enough effort into being friends, or is expecting the situation to be identical to what she remembers from HS which she likely wonât be able to find elsewhere.</p></li>
</ul>
<p>Of course, she might be miserable there and maybe the best thing is to transfer - she just needs to be honest with herself and understand the reality of the situation and what she has in mind as the panacea and make sure sheâs making the right decision.</p>
<p>she hasnât joined any clubs (hangs with mostly the same group all the time), itâs been a VERY long winter in the Northeast for all of us (sheâs in VT),* and she has a boyfriend in Boston who she misses **and I think that above all might be keeping her from being open to this new experience.*</p>
<p>Motherâs intuition suggests that sheâs spending too much time texting, phoning, skyping with the boyfriend which has kept her from bonding to the school. Check your cell phone recordsâŠskyping wonât be there but phone and text records will be.</p>
<p>I would acknowledge her feelings and tell her to present you with her alternatives. You may have helped her apply to College #1, but itâs up to her to apply to College #2.</p>
<p>Wise thoughts from others, above.</p>
<p>It could be that this is really all about the boyfriend and wanting to be closer to him. If so, Iâm thinking that as a parent you have to decide whether âitâs her lifeâ and let her transfer to be nearer to him, or whether you want to try and talk her out of it.</p>
<p>If she would be transferring to a school that is right for her academically and otherwise, I guess thereâs no harm done⊠even if the reason is boyfriend-related. If she would be transferring to a place that doesnât suit her academically just to feel more like âhomeâ or be closer to bf⊠that would bother me as a parent, but not sure what I could do about it. </p>
<p>On a practical note, an awfully lot of schools have transfer application deadlines in March⊠so she might be a bit late getting this ball rolling depending on where she wants to transfer.</p>
<p>another thoughtâŠ</p>
<p>If your D got financial aid or merit money at her present school, then itâs not likely she would get such aid at a school that she would transfer to. If she needs aid/merit to afford college, then she may not have any other choice but to stay put.</p>
<p>A lot of college students get the blahs in the winter. She may just be having a bad few weeks, but itâs hard to tell. I think itâs fine to encourage her to research transfer options and apply to some other schools that are affordable. That will give her choices if sheâs still unhappy at the end of the semester.</p>
<p>We took momjrâs approach last year when younger D was feeling much the same way. That way she would have choices at the end of the semester.</p>
<p>She did transfer to Smith and is much happier.</p>
<p>This happened to my sister (way back in the 80âs). Sheâs from California but went to an all girls school back east. She never was happy and begged my parents to fly her home for spring break. She transferred to a school in California for sophomore year and was very happy.</p>
<p>*came home for Spring Break and confessed sheâs not happy there and never really has been! *</p>
<p>To me, this still suggests that this is all about the boyfriend. She came home for SB, spent time with her boyfriend, and doesnât want to continue at a school that is away from him. </p>
<p>If this family is paying much/most of the costs of her current school, then transferring is an option. however, if this student has gotten great aid at her current school, then she wonât likely get it if she transfers. If that means that transferring wonât be affordable, then that could be a serious issue.</p>
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<p>Bingo. </p>
<p>My D had a very rough first year, and it was completely due to the fact that her body was in Indiana, but her heart was in San Francisco. When she wasnât IM-ing or Skypeing with her boyfriend, she was jealously wondering where he was. At college, everyone was âfakeâ and there were exactly zero people who had friend potential. She isolated herself, turned down invitations, ate alone in in the dining room. I know for a fact that people reached out to her, but she was having none of it. She also spent alot of time researching colleges in Northern California in order to be close to him. It was heartbreaking. </p>
<p>What can you do? Well, be there to listen, of course, without wallowing in her misery right along with her. Ask her about things she likes, and encourage her to get involved in something or go to events and activities. Remind her that transfers have to go through that whole ânew kidâ experience all over again, except this time they wonât have an entire freshman class in the same boat with them. </p>
<p>Make her do all the work of researching a transfer, and have her come up with a detailed plan which she must present to you. If sheâs getting financial aid, she will likely lose it as a transfer student; howâs she going to cover the difference? What are her chances of being admitted as a transfer? What if sheâs not admitted? Will all of her credits transfer? What are the application deadlines (theyâve probably already passed for Fall semester)?</p>
<p>My D had such a detailed plan when she left campus at the end of freshman year, but she had the good sense to take a yearâs leave of absence rather than disenrolling. âNo sense in slamming the door until I know thereâs another one open,â she said, and you might encourage your D to think about it that way. Once she got home, she found that she missed the school and some of those non-friend friends more than she thought she would. She and her boyfriend broke up and after that, she couldnât wait to go back. She did say that she hadnât given her wonderful college a chance because she was pining for her love.</p>
<p>Sheâs having a blast this year â in fact, today she texted me that while sheâs looking forward to seeing us at spring break, she also kind of doesnât want to leave, sheâs having so much fun. So there is hope. :)</p>
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<p>One advantage of going to a large university is that there is never a single âgroupâ that you have to fit into.</p>
<p>My daughter went through a similar adjustment last year as a freshman. Her boyfriend was attending a college in a nearby city, and she was at an LAC in a different small town. She told us she just didnât fit in, that everybody was too immature, too into partying, not cool enough, etc. The only good thing was the education. She did not join any clubs and chose not to rush a sorority. She was home nearly every second weekend to see her boyfriend. We told her that she could transfer elsewhere if it was affordable, but she had to stick out at least the first semester. By Thanksgiving, she felt much better about the school, had some friends, and chose to stay there for spring term. By February, she was happy with her college life.</p>
<p>Sheâs still there this year, and, for the most part, very happy. She and the boyfriend are no longer together, so she rarely comes home on the weekends. She joined a sorority, and made many new friends. Sheâs incredibly busy, and having a wonderful experience. College wasnât what she expected it to be. She had to forget her expectations, and look at things with an open mind. It was a good lesson for her to learn.</p>
<p>If your D is one who has had the same group of hometown friends for many years, then it is natural for the college friendships to feel a little superficial and fake in comparison. They donât in fact have the same depth and shared experience. It might not help, but you could remind your D of that, and let her know that in time the college relationships can and do grow deeper.</p>
<p>My niece was also attempting to make a transfer to be near her high school boyfriendâŠthe problem was, she really couldnât sell the idea since he goes to school on west coast and she is in upstate NY. They have recently broken up, largely because she pushed too much.</p>
<p>I think she is beginning to see that her education should take priority over her original idea to follow him to Ca.</p>
<p>Still , she hasnât visited alternative schools, which concerns me</p>
<p>If financial aid is an issue for your family, you may not get a better deal elsewhere, as Mom2collegekids pointed out. </p>
<p>Transferring because of the boyfriend is not a good idea, they may split up before her Sophomore Year is over with. It happens all the time! </p>
<p>Then that student who transferred because of the boyfriend/girlfriend usually feels pretty bad about himself/herself. And what if the transfer results in great financial sacrifice by the family?</p>