Foot in mouth, please advise (long)

Parents Forum
1

<p>I sent the following email to S' GC (slightly edited for cc). I cc'd the Head of GC and the principal (my first - or second?- mistake)

[quote]
I want to thank you again for the wonderful guidance experience we, and S, had over the years at [hs]. In particular, I have had occasion over the last few months to compare notes with many, many folks from all over the country, and I have continually confirmed that what [hs] does for its juniors and seniors is at the very top of what any guidance offices do anywhere.
S and we are so happy with the process by which he found [college], the excellent guidance he had in building a strong application, and the help we had at time of working out our Early Action/Early Decision dilemma. And – who wouldn’t be happy with the wonderful merit scholarship he received? This brings me to my suggestion:
The one area I feel we were naïve, even ignorant on, was the potential for merit aid. As you know, S is a strong student. Yet, he is neither in the “top 10” at [hs], nor a star athlete, nor a major student leader. Yet, S received at $22,000/year merit award from [college]. (Later, he received an $11,600 merit award from [college2]). We had no idea that he would be a real candidate for these.
My suggestion is that the wonderful materials you supply to junior parents cover the merit award landscape a little more directly. In reviewing the packages you provided us, I really find only a short sentence indicating that merit aid might be possible.
My learning experience has yielded a very long list of schools (usually in the lower portion of Tier 1 and then many others) which offer good merit aid: either to a large % of their students (but maybe not large in the $ amount) or in substantial $ amounts to a small/medium/large % of students depending on the school.
I would like parents such as us to know that this possibility is out there – for students who are, perhaps, in the top 5-15% of the admitted candidates for a given school. I want them to know that, Yes, this can include students with SAT scores in the 1300 range (old version), such as [S]. You don’t have to be the 1500-1600 SAT ace. And, it can be for students in the top 15% of the class, not just the valedictorian and runners-up.
I know that you have already had your February Junior parents meeting. I am a little late in distilling my thoughts for that. And the fall meeting you have with senior parents may be a little late.
I would be glad to do anything that would be of assistance in getting this word out. I would be happy to draft a “flyer” for you to use as the basis for something. I would be happy to put together a partial list of schools I have discovered. I would be happy to share my experiences by way of letter, email, flyer with rising senior parents.
I hope you don’t think this is presumptuous of me. I just feel so strongly how valuable this information would be. We lucked into it. We happened to choose two of these schools for [S]to consider without any idea of the merit aid programs. But had we known this was a real possibility, we would have used merit policy as one of the factors in identifying [S]'s list.
This information is especially valuable for those of us who have no potential to receive need-based aid.
Please let me know your thoughts, when you have a moment, and of any help that I can provide.
Sincerely and gratefully,

[/quote]
</p>

<p>I received back, two days later, a very unhappy email from GC. She was offended that I tried to tell her how to do her business, very offended that I cc'd principal (felt that I absolutely should not have mentioned help w ED dilemma). She said that S is a "remarkable young man" and there is no way to know that another student w his stats would ever receive such merit awards, as the landscape varies from year to year.</p>

<p>I immediately emailed back my sincerest apology and said that I am still trying to think of how I can best make amends.</p>

<p>Now what?
Meanwhile, the head of GC has already emailed her thanks for my suggestion and asked that we meet so we can explore it further. I can't even bear the thought of showing my face in the office - it is a small school, small office. I have always had a GREAT relationship with the GC until now.
What can I do?</p>

2

<p>jm, I think that you absolutely did the right thing. I think that the GC is a little thin skinned. Maybe she is being attacked on different fronts and that's why she reacted in such a manner.</p>

<p>Helping the G Department and the HS be more successful is never bad. I suggest that you meet with the head of the department and not worry about the GC.</p>

3

<p>I think what you wrote was totally appropriate. The problem is with the GC, not you. I know it is uncomfortable for you right now, but obviously your message was well-received by the higher-ups!</p>

4

<p>I think that your note was very nicely done. I agree with deb. It may be that the GC is getting dumped on now by a lot of unhappy students and was therefore thin skinned about your note, which truly was tactful, supportive and helpful.</p>

5

<p>I agree with all of the above; your letter was well done.
When S#1 graduated a year ago, I was very happy with his GC. She had helped us find a perfect school for him and he also got aid. I talked to her at the end of the school year, since S#2 was going to be working with her this year and was totally amazed to find that she had basically been "invited" to leave. So you sometimes just don't know what's going on behind the scenes.</p>

6

<p>You must have put a lot of time into that very well written note. I don't see anything offensive in it, and you have thanked her profusely, and multiple times.
Some people just don't take suggestions well.....they're perfect, and there's no room for improvement.</p>

7

<p>jmmom - I agree with deb922, MomofWildChild, Northstarmom, et al. You've sent your note of apology to the GC, which was a very gracious thing to do. Now schedule that meeting with the head of GC. My D, and many like her I'm sure, would not be headed to private university this Fall without a merit scholarship. The subject is an important one.</p>

8

<p>There is nothing wrong with what you said. As Chocoholic said, some people cannot take suggestions well. The subject is very important and invaluable for people to know....</p>

<p>Jmmom, you are one of the most insightful posters here. Some of your posts should be archived for posterity. I am surprised that the GC took it that way.</p>

9

<p>Thank you all so much. I knew I would get help here. My punched-in-the-gut feeling after her email was immediately followed by a who-can-I-talk-to which was interrupted by the obvious! CC! </p>

<p>Thanks for the support. Is there any other way I can make amends to her?</p>

10

<p>I agree with all the above, but I wonder if your GC would have reacted differently had you written just to her, instead of copying her superiors. It can be a red flag to some people to see that.....whenever I get a business letter that copies an attorney, for example, it always raises my hackles. I think your letter was complimentary (very!), and your suggestions excellent. But it's possible that she took the fact that you copied her bosses with suggestions on how she could do better as implicitly a criticism sent over her head. Just a thought.</p>

11

<p>I don't think you need to make amends. Do you have other children in school; will it affect them if you do? But you did the absolute right thing, so why should you make amends?</p>

12

<p>I don't think that you need to make amends to her. You have done nothing wrong. She is the one with the problem. Frankly, she should be apologizing to you! There's nothing you can do about the fact that she can not take suggestions and doesn't recognize very blatant compliments and appreciation either.</p>

<p>What I suggest that you do is meet with the head GC, who seems interested in your advice.</p>

<p>You truly are a thoughtful person to be willing to share your info with the GCs. So many parents and students are happy to take GCs' help, but do not share any of their own hard-won information nor do they give any praise or thanks for the GCs' assistance.</p>

13

<p>I also don't see anything wrong with copying superiors. The note contained general suggestions as well as very strong compliments about the GC's work. Frankly, the note would be a nice addition to the GC's personnel file.</p>

<p>If the GC had had good sense, she would have leaped on the opportunity to follow up by finding out what she could do to be even more effective. In fact, she might have decided to send around a note to seniors and their parents asking them to pass on lessons they had learned through their college application experience.</p>

<p>The GC's negative reaction is what may make her supervisor take a closer look at her performance because it seems very clear that the GC is not interested in suggestions to improve her work.</p>

14

<p>My cousin is a teacher and she said it took her years to learn not to react defensively to parents' criticism.</p>

15

<p>Your note was not only well done and on target, but precisely what I have suggested to the counseling staff at my S's school! Even down to offering to draft something for them to hand out, or helping them conduct a merit aid seminar for parents!</p>

<p>I've gotten feedback from them that they hadn't thought it necessary to focus on merit awards separate from financial aid, but that they are thinking this is a good idea and will get back to me this summer to work something out. (Our HS is about to graduate only its fourth senior class, so they are still working out the "right" processes.) Your suggestions were good ones, and your note was not a "dis" of the GC -- you have nothing to make amends for.</p>

16

<p>I didn't say it was wrong to copy superiors, just pointing out that the GC might have not have reacted so defensively if there had not been even the slightest hint that a criticism had been sent to the boss. Jmmom asked for suggestions on how to repair what had been a great relationship, not whether or not the GC reacted rationally to her note. One way would be to emphasize that she hadn't been trying to go over her head with a criticism.</p>

17

<p>Jmmom,
I agree with everyone else that the merit aid subject is important, and I don’t see anything wrong with what you have written. As others have suggested, there may something going on behind the scenes, or your GC may be feeling overwhelmed and overworked. Maybe on that day, the last thing she wanted to see was a note from a parent who had suggestions that could make her job more complicated, and it was (horrors!) cc’d to her supervisors. It seems clear from her response that she overlooked or ignored your gratitude and appreciation for what she had accomplished. I’m overanalyzing, but who knows? Maybe at some level she’s feeling guilty because other students may have missed out on some merit opportunities. Do you think you have a strong enough relationship with her to try to talk before you meet with the GC supervisor? This is her problem, not yours, but if she sees you walk into the GC office, go to the head of the department and avoid her, she’ll probably view that as proof you were criticizing her. Your important message could get lost in her rather puzzling resentment.</p>

18

<p>jmmom~</p>

<p>I think that your letter was not only well-intended, but beautifully expressed. It appears that the only negative thing about the letter was its UNINTENDED effect on the GC. I, like others, believe that she seriously overreacted to this letter.</p>

<p>If the GC felt like there were anything objectionable in this correspondence, I think that it is probably the fact that you copied in the principal. Our own GC (who is neither as informed nor as well-intended as yours) would have reacted in the same way. She tends to be <strong>very</strong> defensive and somewhat childish in her reactions to everything. I do sympathize with you in that there appears to be a necessity to handle your GC with kid gloves.</p>

<p>Please do not let this event make YOU feel like you have done anything wrong. It is clear to me that you did not. </p>

<p>If it were I in this situation, I would have offered an apology (which you have ALREADY DONE!), not for the content of the letter but for the unintended effect it had on her. Then, just move on and realize that her reaction was excessive. Do NOT be afraid or embarrassed to go in and have that meeting with the head of GC.....MANY parents will appreciate your generous and well-intended efforts!</p>

<p>I'm so sorry that you have been made to feel this way...:(</p>

<p>~berurah</p>

19

<p>I agree with all - great note; nice tone and best intentions. Must be more going on than you know about. Don't apologize...many others will benefit from your suggestion.</p>

20

<p>You did absolutely nothing wrong-in fact most Guidance Offices would welcome any parental feedback and suggestion for ways to provide even better service. Some people are just defensive by nature and don't understand the difference between criticism and constructive criticism. </p>

<p>I'm glad that the head of the department understands that their purpose is to provide students and parents with the best information possible. Hold your head up high when you visit the school. The GC should be the one apologizing.</p>