for the overprotective parents-

Parents Forum
1

<p>We know you have your hearts in the right place when you shelter us and say we can't go to or do certain things. We know you're just looking out for our best interests during high school when you say we can't go to that party, drive with those kids, or stay out that late. But please tone it down a little bit, at least during senior year. Let us go to one of those parties, sleepover at that person's house, go to that diner at 2am. At least once. Let us experience these things, at least a little bit. Even if things don't go that well, or the party gets a little wild, or we have to leave earlier because of bad things present that we don't want to be a part of. Let us see these things we're sheltered from, at least so we know to avoid them ourselves, and not just because you stopped us.</p>

<p>Because we do go to college eventually, and leave the house. And then we want to experience even more those things we missed out on in high school. We may take that extra shot, go to that rowdy party, hang out with those kids, stay out until the sun comes up. And we most likely do it too much, because we now have the freedom to do so. We're not all like this ("we" being the formerly overprotected, over sheltered college freshman), but alot of us are. Please let us go that tiny extra step while we're still home with you, because when we're not home, we may just take that leap into unknown things, and who knows how that will turn out.....</p>

<p>Just think about it for a minute. I know many of you reading this won't agree, but some of you will</p>

2

<p>I haven't really seen many parents on CC that I thought were overprotective- to the contrary
I also see a big difference between parents allowing their minor children to do things against their judgement while they are in high school, and those same children choosing to do those things while they are adults in college.</p>

<p>I understand that you feel high school is cramping your style or whatever- but what do you mean "taking that extra shot?"
You shouldn't be drinking in the first place- let alone drinking " extra"
I would argue the opposite- that parents be even more vigilant against irresponsible behavior, because what I have seen in my years of experience, are teens who take risks they wouldn't normally * because it is the end of high school*.
Not all those teens lived to graduation.
My kids have had controlled choice while growing up- my oldest recently graduated from college- and while she isn't the adrenaline seeker that some students are- she went through struggling with parental restrictions just as every kid does.
But while I would allow her more latitude than I would when she was a few years younger- it is likely that a situation I considered too risky when she was 15, I considered too risky when she was 17.</p>

3

<p>Kids aren't our parents' second chance. You drank in college too, why can't we? Just cos you might be of the opinion that drinking messed up your college career, it makes no sense for you to impose your PERSONAL experiences on us, we're all different.</p>

<p>I said it once and I'll say it again, kids should never, ever be their parents' second shot at high school, college, career, life, whatever.</p>

4

<p>Where are you getting that I feel that my children should be a renovated idea of myself?
My children are their own people= they have their own story to tell-and my story is only about half over- why would I want to tell somone elses?
Ihave also never said anything about drinking interfering with my college career-
I never have had a drinking problem which differentiates myself from others on CC whose parents consider that "drinking is a rite of passage" and either turn a blind eye or actively allow minor students to drink at their home etc.
I believe it is illegal and immoral to allow minors to drink-and I won't allow it in my home, and I won't allow my kids to go anywhere that I know there will be minors drinking.
How is that using my kids for my "2nd" shot at high school?</p>

5

<p>I'm not talking bout you in particular EK, but in general, many parents DO take their kids as their second shot at life, consciously or not.</p>

6

<p>sixsixty-
While some parents may live vicariously through their kids, I believe these parents are in the minority, especially around here on CC. We are caring and concerned, looking for information, opinions, experience, etc, but we are not, for the mostpart, controlling or dictatorial. Wait 'til you're a parent. You will probably have a different perspective.</p>

<p>BTW, my younger s (16) went to a coed sleepover the other night. I insisted on talking to the mom of the girl whose house it was at, and then made my decision whether or not to let him go. Yesterday he got his drivers license, and spent some time out in the car with his newfound freedom. Then last night he was out with some friends (the 17 yr old was driving-- in our state he can't drive other kids 'til he's had his license for 6 mos). He called to say he'd be home "late". I insisted he be home by 11:45 as the 17 yr old has to be off the road by midnight (curfew rules in our area for young drivers). He made it in by about 11:48. Close enough. </p>

<p>As we parents have said before, the more responsible you act, the more responsibility we'll give you.</p>

7

<p>funny progression of misunderstanding over "shot". OP sugggests that an extra shot of liquor might be swallowed by the college student in rebellion over his restricted hs days. This was then interpreted as a call for hs drinking. Finally this morphed into the sense of 'shot' as 'vicarious opportunity' with a scolding not to live through one's child. And of course the defense of that accusation. All the words written out so clearly and yet such readiness to battle. Imagine making peace through translaters!</p>

8

<p>
[quote]
We know you're just looking out for our best interests during high school when you say we can't go to that party, drive with those kids, or stay out that late. But please tone it down a little bit, at least during senior year. Let us go to one of those parties, sleepover at that person's house, go to that diner at 2am. At least once. Let us experience these things, at least a little bit. Even if things don't go that well, or the party gets a little wild, or we have to leave earlier because of bad things present that we don't want to be a part of. Let us see these things we're sheltered from, at least so we know to avoid them ourselves, and not just because you stopped us.

[/quote]
</p>

<p>There's much I agree with here. But it boils down to "it depends."</p>

<p>My S went to a school that was very mixed. Just a couple of months ago, a young man in his 20s was shot point blank in another part of the city as he was sitting in his car. Apparently, it was a revenge killing; last year, the dead man had been arrested in a hotel together with a few other men of the same age for illegal possession of drugs of of weapons. What has that to do with this post? Well, the dead young man had been in class with my S in k-8, and the other men who'd been arrested had also attended that school. </p>

<p>There was no question my S would have been part of that young man's circle, but there are many types of kids between that dead young man and someone like my kid; and some of them would be more acceptable as acquaintances than others. My S chose his friends wisely. As a result, I did trust him to be doing what he said he was doing at any particular time. And it turned out that none of his friends was interested in pushing the envelope as far as parental tolerance or legality was concerned.</p>

9

<p>
[quote]
Even if things don't go that well, or the party gets a little wild, or we have to leave earlier because of bad things present that we don't want to be a part of.

[/quote]

Questions: if the worst happens - if you're hurt and in the hospital, if someone else is hurt and you wind up at a police station, if the car is totalled and you need a ride home - whom are going to call? Is it those overprotective parents? Are they going to have to help you pick up the pieces of whatever consequences result from risky behavior, particularly underage (i.e., illegal) drinking? If so, why aren't they justified in setting the parameters for acceptable behavior in the minors for whom they're responsible?</p>

<p>A hallmark of adolescent thinking is to believe that such disasters as a car accident, a fatality, date rape, etc., happen to other people. Sadly, they don't always. I feel safe in saying that every single kid who winds up dead because of poor judgement NEVER thought it would happen to him/her. </p>

<p>
[quote]
then we want to experience even more those things we missed out on in high school. We may take that extra shot, go to that rowdy party, hang out with those kids, stay out until the sun comes up. And we most likely do it too much, because we now have the freedom to do so.

[/quote]
</p>

<p>I've heard this argument made often on CC and in real life. It makes some sense logically - but then why do so many kids who were out of control in high school continue to overuse alcohol and other drugs in college? Not every kid who crashes and burns as a 1st semester freshman was overprotected in high school. </p>

<p>Exactly what are parents supposed to say to their hs seniors about underage drinking? "Go ahead, I want you to know your limits once you get to college"? "I'll pretend I don't see you." "I don't think the law applies to everyone, especially not you." </p>

<p>I mean, should we let our 7th graders drink because we want them to know their limits once they get to hgh school?</p>

10

<p>rorosen,</p>

<p>I follow your observations, but I must note that, in part, your interpretation of the sequence of posts may contribute to the error in translation, IMO. There may have been an interchange between the OP and EK in posts 1-4, and a change in the use of the expression "take an extra shot", but my post was in response to the OP's original post (about being overprotective) and his statements in posts # 3 & 5 that many parents try to relive their lives through their kids. This is inaccurate, and a huge overstatement/generalization.</p>

<p>Parents who set appropriate rules and boundaries have psychologically healthier, better adjusted kids than those who are outrageously restrictive/overcontrolling or those who are completely uninvolved with their kids. The healthy middle ground leads to the development of autonomy, independence, responsibility and maturity in young adults. I just happened to research and give a presentation on this concept, referred to as "graduated freedoms". I do believe that most of us here follow the model of "graduated freedoms". There are some parents on this board who may be overly rigid and controlling, but I think they are in the minority I don't believe that this board attracts the parents at the extreme ends of this continuum. Some of the kids on this board may have overly controlling parents, but I believe these parents do not participate on CC. Perhaps the kids are here venting about their experiences to parents who will listen.</p>

<p>Not interested in an argument. Just sharing my observations.</p>

11

<p>Ductape, you are so young! And we are so Old! Nine of ten teenagers feel as you do, and, believe it or not, 30 years ago your parents felt the same - I know I did.
Our revenge is this - in 30 years, you will have kids, and you will feel about their behavior the way we feel about yours, and we will secretly laugh.
Oh, by the way, I agree that senior year is a good time to allow increased freedoms to your child, and to treat them a little more like an adult - although that doesn't include 2am trips to a diner, that's a college privilege. BUT, it also means the child needs to act a little more like an adult, including talking and interacting with the parents as an adult.</p>

12

<p>n.b.-the 'shots' were fired before you arrived at the crime scene, jym.</p>

13

<p>roro-
Very punny</p>

14

<p>I don't beleive the original poster used "extra shot" to mean " an extra" shot at life- the content appeared to mean- alcohol.
sixsixty was much more clear when he/she posted that parents were trying to do it "over".
I tried to respond to both- the way I see it.
I understand ductape chafing at the bit much more than I understand sixsixty accusation that parents are trying to limit their childrens "fun" because they themselves overdid it.</p>

<p>BUt I also remember being 15 or 16 and feeling like I knew everything, that I would not mature much more as an adult.
Unfortunatly, I was probably more mature than my remaining parent at 17, but I wasn't as wise as I was ever going to get thankgoodness!</p>

15

<p>ek-
Thanks for your oj-the-mark post (#14)
I didn't even notice that the OP (ductape) was not sixsixty- OOPS :o I hope my post didn't confuse things. But, you'll note the time I posted... couldn't sleep last night (shouldn't have had that cup of coffee after dinner last night..)</p>

<p>At any rate, I don't think it changes anything. You are right on both fronts. Whether its a shot of booze or a shot at life, teens have a unique perspective that changes with age. I remember announcing to my mother "but Moooommmm, I'm 14!!", like I knew everything at that age. I used to be a bleeding heart liberal. I am still liberal in my thinking, but as they say, "you become more conservative when you have something to conserve". Right now, I'd like to conserve my kids. They are most valuable to me.</p>

<p>and cangel, we both agree.... when ductape and sixsixty are parents of teenagers, their perspective may change just a bit...</p>

16

<p>My kids had restrictions in high school. I don't think we need to allow kids to do some of the things you are mentioning in HS in order to get ready for college. College is soon enough. I don't believe that just because kids were supervised and had limits in HS, that they will go wild once they get to college. Some kids go wild in college with lots of freedom but it is not necessarily related to what htey were or were not allowed to do in HS. My kids did not drink in HS for instance or stay out as late as they wanted or go to unsupervised parties and we knew their whereabouts at all times. They are now in college. I know they have had drinks at college. I don't mind. I know they can stay out as late as they want. I don't mind. I know they go to unsupervised parties. I don't mind. They are in college and that is the age for that type of thing and level of independence. I don't have to allow it sooner so they can be ready for it when they get to college. And even now that they both JUST arrived home from college, while the limits have changed from high school, there are limits in place while they are at this house as this is not college. By the way, while my kids could not do the things you are mentioning in HS, and they can now in college, I don't beileve either has gone "wild". Both are succeeding in college at a high level. They are also growing up and experiencing the independence that comes with living on your own. They do things that I expect college aged kids to do. They didn't need to, nor were allowed to, do them in high school.</p>

17

<p>
[QUOTE]
rorosen said"funny progression of misunderstanding over "shot". OP sugggests that an extra shot of liquor might be swallowed by the college student in rebellion over his restricted hs days. This was then interpreted as a call for hs drinking. Finally this morphed into the sense of 'shot' as 'vicarious opportunity' with a scolding not to live through one's child."

[/QUOTE]
</p>

<p>I didn't realize that there could be so many interpretations of that statement. I meant the first one mentioned, not parents living vicariously through their children. Thats a whole other topic altogether, but I am sure that there are more than a few parents guilty of this.</p>

18

<p>oops-- EK-</p>

<p>My typo made no sense. You had an ON the mark comment, not OJ (though maybe a discussion of the multiple interpretations of oj would fit right in here, with the multiple interpretations of "the extra shot" ...</p>

19

<p>I am probably one of the least "potective" parents...ever. With no reasons to complain so far. We will see what happens in college. In my opinion a lot depends on a child. We set very few rules but expect our S to obey those always. We also trust him completely and he have not disappointed us yet. I have no fear of midnight diner runs or coed sleepovers, as long as I am notified in advance and know the participating company. Granted, we live in a small town with very low crime rate.</p>