<p>Has she visited Mary Washington? As HereWeGo2 said, it really is like a private LAC on an in-state budget. There are around 4,300 students. It’s a good school academically, though I haven’t always been thrilled with the administration. The application deadline is February 1.</p>
<p>OK…did you tell your daughter that she was required to use your VA prepaid college plan at an instate university? It does not sound like this is the case. </p>
<p>Again I say…if the money is not an issue, please remember, YOUR DAUGHTER is going to college, not you (the parent). While you may think W/M is a fine place, she doesn’t. I will tell you, my own kiddo refused to even consider applying there…she hated the place. Bottom line was SHE was the one going to college so <em>I</em> didn’t force her to apply. </p>
<p>I think you need to make some determination as to what your issue is. Is it that you don’t want her to go to Clemson (that’s sort of what it sounds like) for whatever reason, or is it that you simply can only afford an instate public university in VA?</p>
<p>It is unfortunate that this was not all clarified before the applications went out since she seems to like Clemson so much. And to clarify about Clemson, it and Virginia Tech are very comparable. Clemson ranked a little ahead maybe overall but VT I think ahead in engineering. It would probably be seen as a backup for most families in Virginia only because most families (if money was an issue at all) would probably not want to pay OOS tuition at Clemson if their kid could get into VT (and vice versa). If merit was available, that’s another story. The OP’s daughter did get merit and that was good. The thing that may be throwing a monkey wrench is the prepaid tuition(maybe Clemson would be under Virginia school costs with her merit if the prepaid plan didn’t exist? Not sure). As to William and Mary-it is a fantastic school and we are lucky to have it in Virginia.However, it is not for everyone. Neither son would apply instate and there was no point forcing them to. It was just not big enough,athletic enough,etc. for either of them.</p>
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<p>Seriously?? Come on people, this is not a business contract. So you change your mind. Have you really never done that before with your kids? “Yes, Billy you can have ice cream. Oops, never mind I changed my mind cuz I want you to eat a good dinner…Yes, you can go to that movie. No, I changed my mind cuz I don’t like the subject matter…” Are you scared of your kids or something? Do you think she will have a tantrum and refuse to go to college?</p>
<p>Just tell her you changed your mind about spending that kind of money on Clemson and she can pick from her other financially agreeable choices. She will be fine.</p>
<p>Bay, how do you feel if your kids pull that sort of thing on you. </p>
<p>What if one of your kids volunteers to do a household chore after school, for example, and then doesn’t do it because he/she had an unusually large amount of homework or was invited to a friend’s house? Is it OK for kids to change their minds about such things, too, just as you feel free to change your mind about ice cream and movies and colleges?</p>
<p>I agree that changing your mind CAN happen if the circumstances change. Perhaps it got too close to dinner fot that ice cream. BUT this kid didn’t even want to APPLY to William and Mary (which I fully understand because neither did MY kid…but we didn’t force her to). </p>
<p>If there is a reason to change the game plan, then fine…but I’m not sure that this is clear from these posts.</p>
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<p>Absolutely. Why wouldn’t that be okay?</p>
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<p>I don’t see any reason to force her to apply if there are other acceptable alternatives. If it is important that W&M be thrown into the mix of options, however, I don’t see why D can’t compromise or do her mom a favor by applying and at least considering it if she is admitted. It seems the least she could do when her mom will paying thousands of dollars for her education.</p>
<p>I should also clarify a couple of things: D visited Clemson 2 years ago and hated it because it was too spread out and too cold. When I reminded her of that she said she was probably just too young to realize what she was thinking. I think she is in love with the idea of a school really wanting her; getting away from our state and experiencing new things and new friends; finding somewhere she thinks is way warmer (she hates the cold). </p>
<p>More importantly however, like many parents, we know our daughter better than even she does and both my wife and I are strongly convinced that she would do well at W&M and that it is a good fit for her personality. I can’t tell you how many times in her life she has said she wouldn’t like something and we forced/coerced/bribed her into doing it anyway and she loved it. I know this is a bigger deal, but I view it as somewhat the same thing.</p>
<p>So then, this really is not primarily about the money for you? More about her going to where you think she should go? And that seems to be William and Mary, which she really seems to dislike. You truly are in a bind then.</p>
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<li><p>I think she must be worried about academic pressure, bigtime. (To bring up the suicide thing.) She wants premed, she has worked hard and done well in high school-- so I have an inkling that if you address the work/pressure situation first, things might change a lot. She’s clearly very able but it sounds like she might be really nervous too.</p></li>
<li><p>The stubborn, dug-in-heels, piece of this stage of life is so…poignant, really. D has done some things this year that have been clearly to her own disadvantage but it’s more important to her to feel in control than to succeed! Well, I have some sympathy. I agree with those who suggest backing off for a while and letting the situation shake out. I can’t tell you how often D has come around to agree with me once that pressure is off.</p></li>
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<p>Because some people think that a person shouldn’t break a commitment except under highly unusual circumstances. Clearly, you are not one of those people.</p>
<p>OP…I can see your point and understand your frustration. We let our D choose the school she felt would be the best fit. You know what? She chose UVa (yes, over higher ranked options). If your D really feels a connection with Clemson, I’d let her select it provided you can afford it. Make sure she knows EVERYTHING about each school once acceptances come out so that she’s making the most informed decision possible. (I might add to the conversation…“You know how many OOS students are paying $45-$50K/yr. to go to a prestigious school like UVa or W&M? By virtue of your residence, you can get the exact same education for a fraction of that!”) Yes indeed, I would SO LOVE to be in your shoes!!! ;)</p>
<p>jc40, That is good advice. It is tough sometimes though for some of the high achieving instate kids . Sometimes the kids just don’t want to hear this message(you are so lucky to be able to get this education for a fraction of the OOS kids) and feel like they should be able to go out of state like other kids.The options are so great instate (and people from other states realize that) that some kids get on a track to aim for the best instate schools from a very early age. This goes for both instate public and private kids. It really does become hard to justify going out of state unless money is no object,there is some compelling reason to do so, if merit is available or the kid can take advantage of the more recent middle class initiatives by some of the Ivy schools. I think some of the kids probably do feel they don’t have as much contol over the process as they might like. Places like UVa , William and Mary and Virginia Tech truly are the best fit for many instate kids anyway but there is always a very small percentage of instate kids that just want to go elsewhere. My older kid in high school '05 was as competitive as the next kid for colleges more highly rated than UVa but UVa really was the best fit for him and we as a family could afford it but couldn’t afford places like Duke,Ivy League schools at the time. Why go elsewhere? Unfortunately for the OP, his daughter does not feel she has a good fit in Virginia. I do feel for both him and his daughter. I’m sure they are both frustrated.
I think you are seeing more high stats instate kids than ever applying outside of Virginia more recently since UVa did away with ED (therefore having to apply to other top schools by necessity) and some of the Ivy League schools adopting more favorable financial aid policies.More kids seem to also be searching further for merit aid out of necessity.</p>
<p>This should be a reminder to all parents that it’s important to tell your child, up front, what you can afford. Many parents tell their children that they will pay the amount that it would cost for in-state tuition to the most expensive public university, and that if the student wants to go to a more expensive university he or she will have to make up any difference in tuition in scholarship money or work-study. That is perfectly fair. It just needs to be done BEFORE the student starts applying.</p>
<p>I am troubled, however, by parents who push a child to go to a specific university or universities because that’s where the parents think the child would be better off. For a child with certain needs (mental illness, autism, physical disability), I think that is fair enough. Proximity to the parents or a special program might be of critical importance. However, in most situations, the parents should let the child decide.</p>
<p>My advice would be, absent inability to pay or a child with special needs, to let her decide where she wants to go. If she decides on Clemson, she will either find that it is a fit or it isn’t. If she likes it, then be assured that her Clemson degree will be a solid one. If she doesn’t like it, then she will know that it was HER decision and she can transfer. If you insist that she go to, say, William & Mary or UVA, and she hates it, then she will blame you.</p>
<p>Besides, if you take the pressure off her, you may find that she isn’t so resistant to going to a Virginia school anyway. Visit all of them again, with you doing your best to be neutral – or to be positive about all the schools, including Clemson.</p>
<p>The small-town atmosphere at Clemson is very different from the busy, tourist-dominant atmosphere in Williamsburg and, to some extent, in Charlottesville. I like all three places, but I can understand why someone might like the more laid-back setting of Clemson, especially someone who’s concerned about a high-pressure situation.</p>
<p>Here’s the thing, and I’ll fess up for the OPs sake. I had a VERY clear favorite for him among my 2011 hs grads choices. Having said that my son was not clear, and for good reason, he had some great choices. He also looks to my reaction on things and tends to see some things through my eyes at times. I totally removed myself from the conversation after he got his decisions in March. He needed to visit schools again without me, to talk with his father, and have private time to himself to make this decision. I know full well I could have influenced his decision and that is what I did NOT want. This is his college experience, not mine. I had my turn. It was very, very hard to step back as we are very close, but he needed to make the decision on his own. </p>
<p>He could not be happier at his university and I could not be happier for him. Seeing your student thrive, learn and grow at the school they have chosen and are happy at makes it much easier to let go. Believe me, I speak from experience! Hearing him say he could not imagine being anywhere else is all I need to hear.</p>
<p>I agree about not pushing a kid to go where YOU want them to go. Clemson would be quite different than Charlottesville or Williamsburg. More similar probably to Virginia Tech and Blacksburg(although I’ve never visited Clemson so not sure). I do know that every year even in my kids’ Virginia public school, there are kids who could have gone to the higher ranked UVa and William and Mary that opt instead for Virginia Tech or JMU because they like the atmospheres there better. Forcing a kid to go to a school they really dislike is asking for trouble. And yes, it really is unfortunate that the money angle was not laid out upfront before the application to Clemson was made. Hopefully, if the daughter really still wants to go to Clemson,she can find a way to come up with the additional funds. As Marsian says though, if you take the pressure off,she may just decide that one of the Virginia schools will work for her.</p>
<p>I live in Maryland, and I have heard many parents of Maryland high schoolers express envy of our neighbors in Virginia because of the wonderful choices their kids have within their state system.</p>
<p>Now I’m beginning to see that there’s a downside to living in Virginia, especially for a student who may want to go to a college outside that state system.</p>
<p>As an aside, if you force your daughter to go to a school that is not her choice, and it does NOT work out…be prepared to have the finger pointed at you. She could easily say " I never wanted to come here in the first place. You forced me to. I would have been fine at Clemson."</p>
<p>Doesn’t matter if that is fact. Just saying.</p>
<p>and if I may elaborate on thumper’s last post:
" As an aside, if you force your daughter to go to a school that is not her choice, and it does NOT work out…"
If a child feels forced to go to that school, can parent be sure student will put in best effort there? If not, then that school “not working out” might be even more likely.</p>