<p>This is my first US HIST AP essay. I'm doing self-study, so I dont' know what to expect. The topic was take about how the 3 things I mentioned influenced democracy. You can score it out of a 9, but I really need suggestions on how to make it better, and if I'm on the right track for writing these types of essays.</p>
<p>It seems that in times of grand crises that a commanding force emerges from within its source. In this primary example, democracy seems to be the obvious byproduct of a busy 17th Century, which majored in politics, immigration, and religion.</p>
<pre><code>Relating to religion, The Great Awakening was a movement in the 1730s until the 1740s that dealt with a revival of the emotionalism associated with the church. This religious coming together signified a unity of the followers of a religion, which in turn lead to the congregation of the American society to act as one democratic system.
Dealing with constitutional rights, the Zenger case challenged the notion of the freedom of press and having no bar on the truthfulness in the information presented. This going against the grain promoted a coming togetherness. As Americans sticking together, they could stand up for what they believed.
Incoming from other countries, immigrants desired to find a better life for themselves; they wanted the American Dream. From all peoples coming from different lands, it helped the immigrants realize that everyone was in the same boat, and that the only way to prosper would be to combine forces and become a democratic nation.
All in all, it is evident that various types of events helped shape America into the democratic republic it is today. All aspects of life altered the path of which America would chose together to follow. All for one, and one for all.
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<p>I think you need to write a little bit more. You only have about 3 sentences per paragraph. My teacher once told me that analysis is the key in writing a good APUSH essay.</p>
<p>For the first part, there is little outside history (Puritan church, Jonathan Edwards), and I personnaly don't see the connection based on what you said.</p>
<p>The second one is better, perhaps more detail into the Zenger case and how it established the democratic principle of freedom of the press. Details, don't just summarize. </p>
<p>The third part I don't really get. It has little to do with how immigration influenced democracy. </p>
<p>This seems like a tough prompt, what time frame were ypu restricted to? Did you need to use all three?</p>
<p>As a general note, the essay seems kind of informal; it makes your knowledge of history seem weaker than it really is.</p>
<p>Hope I was helpful; perhaps my score was too harsh</p>
<p>I'd give you 1 point for your thesis, 1 point for your conclusion, and 2 or 3 points for your content, totalling to a generous 5. You need a lot more content in order to get your score any higher then that. The 5 is the maximum you would get from AP, because if you write a thesis and conclusiong, with something substantial inbetween, your pretty much given atleast a 4. You have good points, dealing with the GA, the Zenger case, and immigration, but there is soooo much more that you could include. Under religion, get specific. Mention individuals such as Johnathan Edwards, or dissenters like Roger Williams and Anne Hutchinson. The Zenger point is good as well, but you can really expand on it. Maybe mention ideas developing regarding personal freedoms as a result of the Enlightenment and other such European movements, or discuss the writings of John Locke and how they influenced American social thought. An always good point to take on immigration is trends. You can talk about who came over to the colonies, and why, and how it changed throughout the essay period. A good transition from either of the other two to immigration could include the way in which foreigners were drawn to American, such as religious freedom, or civil rights that they weren't experiencing in their home countries, mostly Western Europe at this time. You pick up points from the readers for transitions. If I were writing this essay I would set it up like so:</p>
<p>I. Thesis
II. Rights
i. Have several examples of developing social freedoms
ii. TRANSITION-Explain how these social freedoms included religion.
III. Religion
i. Again, examples of religious activity in the colonies
ii. TRANSITION-Talk about how religion, and freedom, drew people here.
IV. Immigration
i. Finish up with all of your points about immigration
ii. TRANSITION-come up with a good way to flow to your conclusion
V. Conclusion
i. Restate your thesis, but simplified
ii. Quickly, and shortly, summarive the contents of your essay.</p>
<p>That's pretty much it. If you know what you're doing, and what you need to focus on then you are set. It helps if you can quickly map this out like I did above before you start writing. Concentrate in on your specific information, never forget outside information, especially on the DBQ, and you are set.</p>
<p>your a brave soul self-studying APUS your essay would probably be a 2 or 3 i know this due to the fact my essays are exactly like that and i get those scores you need to include ALOT of information in your essays when my class reads essays the 9's are like 3 pages, you need to formalize your writing you shouldn't use contractions thats informal. i'm just trying to give you some good feedback because it would be impossible for me to self-study so i just want to wish you good luck and i hope your essay's improve. also you should start with generalizations and give specific detail good luck</p>
<p>Do you think this is a good starting point? I haven't taken a full test yet, but I think I'm getting around 60/80 on the MC....haven't really started the essays yet. Do I have a chance at a 4 or 5? I hope so :-(</p>
<p>Well on the real deal, you have 5 minutes to think and plan, then 30 minutes to write. List your ideas by paragraph, then use your time to fill in details to support your thesis.</p>
<p>See, I think if I gave myself more time I would ramble, as seen sort of above. Maybe not though. I can't just pull dates out of no where though.... I don't have that talent :(</p>
<p>its a talent that can be learned you just have to memorize loads of info and eventually one day it will all click i just recently turned in an essay hopefully its higher than a 2....but if your getting 60/80 and you can get like all sixes i think that could possibly be a 4 don't quote me on that though</p>
<p>i would definitely concentrate on improving the multiple choice that would be easier i'm not totally sure about the breakdown or anything but i'd say if you got 8's and that mc you might be able to get a five but thats all eights so i would concentrate on improving the mc first...</p>
<p>A suggestion--try to avoid conversationalist terms like "all in all," as well as terms like "seem." No need to make it known that this is YOUR opinion--treat everything you say as fact. Also, make it a bit longer, and emphasize your main ideas in topic sentences.</p>
<p>if u get 65-70 or something on MC, get 7's on ur essays or 8's im sure you can pull a 5. your essay needs some work though. If you understand the reasoning to the Great Awakening to Democracy and Immigration, then I am sure you would get a much higher grade. The scorers like inside information combined with compelling criticism that pulls your paper together. For example, when noting the Great Awakening, the reason behind it is that it decreased the requirements of strict church membership. This might not seem to involve democracy at all, but you could argue that because it decreased strict policies for church, it increased the progression of seperation of church and state. The halfway convenant began to elimanate stricter baptismal rules and allowed more people to become loosely religous, which also involves radical ideas to some extent.
When talking about immigrants, you might site about how most were exiled people that came to a new country. Because they were exiled people, they tended to believe in much more radical ideas then their mother country's citizens, and established different ideals.
Another great topic you could have mentioned was the enlightenment thinkers. I hope this helps.</p>