Continually improving his social awkwardness, but kind and good and decent conversation, he’s just not the “life of the party” or the BS flatterer. Roommate dropped out. Only friend is student he knew before college. He doesn’t have conflicts, but other than that friend (also unable to make new friends) kids decline his invites and nobody asks him to hang out. He is meticulously well-groomed and well dressed (from being so concerned about why he’s an outsider) and good-looking. He actively participates in many clubs and organizations, but no real friends come from it, at least he keeps busy. I steered him toward small nerdy non-competitive schools (he’s not academically talented) with religious affiliation hoping to avoid this. He is so lonely.
Honestly, everyone gets upset about teen suicide but nobody gives a damn about kids like this (nothing indicates he is suicidal, but WHY OH WHY are kids so cold unnecessarily?)
None of his sisters or my stepchildren faced this in college. Almost all though were in band, ROTC, college sports that formed their own “family.” HELP PLEASE AND THANKYOU
Is the school too small? Do they have any fraternities he can pledge next Fall? Is he dating?
I can actually relate to this through one of my D’s. She would only consider schools with 25,000+ students because she feared not making a friend. It must be very difficult for him to branch out without roommates.
Are there any intramural sports he can join and then “hangout” with fellow athletes? Many schools have staff/professor organized weekend & break trips (skiing, hiking, camping). That might offer an opportunity to meet and bond, due to an extended time together.
Are there religious activities offered, like Wednesday prayer & supper or weekend retreats? I think he’ll have more success finding friends in activities that are weekly or span longer periods of time.
It is so painful when we cannot help our children or just fix it! To combat the loneliness, maybe he can find a place to volunteer on a regular basis. Worrying about someone else might take his mind off his own problems.
Thanks so much. I agree maybe it is too small? He really needed small class sizes and other academic advantages at this school because he is not “smart.” No frats there, he would disappear anyways and doesn’t really drink. They actually schedule fun, inexpensive activities and he goes often with his friend from “home.” Surprisingly these aren’t often well attended. He’s tried inviting others along with almost no success despite there’s not much else to do and campus is pretty dry. He is in another state but there are many commuters and locals who go home weekends. He does intramurals and other groups, everything a student does to meet others and bond, but–that has not happened.
He’s likes the religious group though mostly older people, supportive and fun group outings but again, no buddies. He does a lot of volunteer work and also some paid work.
You’re right, it is so painful when he asks me for feedback (“what did I do wrong?”) like how he tried to text this one with no reply or asked that one to join him for lunch and–nothing, or the kid in his class/dorm who was a no-show when they made plans to watch a DVD. Twice. My son texted when he didn’t show, and he texts back he’s “hanging out with X and X,” but of course doesn’t say “come join us.”
He was dating last semester, very good to her but she dumped him for a less physically attractive popular slick talker. Girls notice him but then they notice he’s not cocky or popular, and doesn’t talk like the teen movie/TV heroes and they move on. Kids also so much more immature there than they are at the (sorry to say) much better schools his sibs and steps attended. Wish he was smart enough to be around those types of kids. My heart breaks for him.
This could be a key part of the problem. Commuters already have their own friends, and are less likely to include new people. A small school makes this a more important issue.
The only advice that I can give is to support him emotionally, and make it clear that it is not his fault. Loneliness is bad enough without thinking it is your fault. Personally, I think it is harder for well behaved students to make friends in college; especially for guys since so many of them use drinking as a way to prove something.
All IMHO:
I give a damn, I give a damn that for some reason kids are being raised to think that hanging out with other people is the definition of whether they are a success or not.
No real friends in several months is meaningless. He is lucky to have a friend from home and people he gets along with. You have made “real friends” on the order of months? You had “real friends” after a few months of college?
I think maybe both you and him need to take a step back and figure out why he is in college. If he is there to learn, I don’t see any issue. If learning is a side note, and he wanted to get an instant social life, that is only possible with major effort.
One can have many friends and be lonely, and one can have no close friends and be perfectly content. The thing is the outlook. He needs to stop trying so hard (he should be dating - really? like everyone in college is dating constantly?) and relax. Does he enjoy school? Does he enjoy his classes?
The only thing you can be sure of is that the more friends you get, the more likely one is to betray you or take advantage of you. Reaching out to too many people is worse than picking and choosing who you hang out with.
He’ll get it at some point, and if he doesn’t, finding a campus with more residential students might be in order. But if he is doing activities on campus with his friend from home, what is the problem? If he is sad and he:
- has a good friend from home he sees often
- is active in many groups
then it is not his social life, it is how he feels about it. Either that needs to change, or he needs to be evaluated. Not everyone can be BMOC, and being BMOC is overrated anyway.
Good luck, he should be stressing about his homework not this.
@rhandco, this is not a case of whether a kid feels “successful” or not. I don’t get that he’s trying to be BMOC. This kid is lonely, period. I can understand how very difficult that is for him, and for a parent to watch. And this: “The only thing you can be sure of is that the more friends you get, the more likely one is to betray you or take advantage of you.” Boy, I’m sorry if that has been your experience. It has certainly not been mine.
OP, I would suggest that your son see a counselor. I imagine he’s pretty depressed. I hope that he continues to seek out opportunities to meet people. It will happen, but I agree it’s much harder when the child is attending a commuter school. Maybe the “small nerdy non-competitive schools with religious affiliation” school was not the best choice, and possible not his choice? Is he looking for transfer opportunities?
He has a good friend and is lonely. He is involved with various groups, but doesn’t feel that he has found “his group”.
I fear that anyone who is looking too hard for a friend or a group might unfortunately find the wrong kind, like Tyler Clementi’s roommate 
(and the set of “friends” who collaborated on the “joke”).
I agree that he needs to speak to someone.
(and for post #5 - you are very lucky then if you have had nothing but reliable friends, especially if you count those you became friends with in college)
OP, I empathize, truly! And unlike post #4, I think feeling emotionally connected to a few friends when you’re far from home is very important if one is to be successful academically. (Unless the person is such a happy loner it’s not a real need. Which clearly is not the case here.)
I do wonder if he picked the right school, but for now he needs to try to make the most of it. Are you comfortable sharing the name of the school or posting specifically in their forum (if they have one)? Maybe folks can offer some more specific advice. When you say “religious,” is it a Christian college, Catholic, Quaker? Big differences in types of students they attract.
Also, has your son ever been evaluated for any type of social disability? You keep emphasizing he’s not as smart/academically talented as others in your extended family. What does that mean exactly? Is he of average IQ but lives in a family of high-IQ over-achievers? Or is he of below average IQ, which might be a symptom of something else?
I’m guessing if he and his friend are lonely at this school, there are others there in the same boat. The challenge is connecting them to each other without inviting any additional social stigma.
NROTCgrad: good points, esp about the drinking and reassuring him constantly. It just seemed a campus of similar average Joes would be comrades. Thanks for your insight.
Suzy, he visited many campuses and did choose this school. Didn’t have admission stats for big, Greek centered campuses anyway. I’ve seen some overconfident high and mighty kids drop out of those first semester claiming they had no one to hang out with (not used to not being the high school hotshot anymore) that I know he’d be lost at such a place. Great schools but not for him.
Counselling is a good idea. Thanks again all for your helpful, supportive suggestions. The school does not have a board here, and I am afraid if I post it someone will recognize him from the details and things will get worse.
Lucie, he has been evaluated as he showed some signs but several doctors concurred he is slightly below average intelligence and has immature social skills but not on the spectrum. He has good common sense and is very kind and an extremely hard worker. His siblings are high IQ very supportive and even paid close attention Sibling Weekend to see his behavior and interactions. They noticed nothing unusual.
Rhand, you misunderstand. The point is HE complains he’s lonely, I am NOT “raising him” to overvalue shallow popularity. I am a worried parent scared about frequent college suicides from kids who seem far less lonely. The other respondents get it; as Suzy said he’s not trying to be BMOC or surround himself with same, he is there to STUDY, but if he feels alienated studying will become harder. If he gets depressed, harder still.
Were there particular groups in high school where he was able to make friends or “types” of kids whom he traditionally gelled with? A church group or a part-time job can sometimes be a different source of friends than the kids you meet in your dorm or class.
My older son had a middle school classmate who sounds a little like your son. He is a really nice kid, but he wasn’t quite as bright as most of the guys in their very small class, so a lot of them weren’t really friendly with him, but he had a lot of female friends, and was happy in high school, I think, because he was able to excel at a particular sport and the school was just a very friendly and welcoming place. Interestingly, I understand he’s unhappy at college now, too, and is looking for a bigger school to transfer to, but he was denied admission to some of the ones he originally wanted to attend, so I’m not sure what his plans are about transferring. He’s trying to tough it out from what I understand.
The problem with small schools is that they seem to be of a certain flavor and if it’s not a great fit socially it can be hard to find like-minded friends.
Freshman year is tough for a lot of kids, believe me, even former BMOC’s and “smart” kids. It sounds like your son is not “connecting” on some level with the typical kids at his school–this may be as much about them as him.
I feel for your son. I am glad he is putting himself out there, and there have been some good suggestions of other things to try.
You can reassure him that making new friends takes time. The people he sees the most now may not be the people he ultimately ends up with. Everyone looks so happy? Looks like they all have friends? Not true. He isn’t alone in his loneliness.