blueskies2day and yourmomma. thanks for the support. made me lol on the surf board as he’s not really that kid (that’s my middle one) but who knows. maybe i had him mistaken all along.
Ah…so really…he was just 19 in September.
He shared his concerns about his current school during break. He got back and had the courage to tell you…he doesn’t want to continue there…now.
Support his decision to make that change. It doesn’t mean you need to bankroll him on this trip. That’s another story.
Make sure your son understands that withdrawing from his classes and withdrawing entirely could mean two different things. He has to break his housing contract, make sure he has returned books to the library, returns his key, takes photos of his dorm room so you don’t get hit with a charge for a broken window or hole in the wall, make sure his dining contract is canceled if he’s on a meal plan.
A lot of kids tell three professors “I’m out of here” and assume that means they are done. The financial implications of not withdrawing properly can be serious. Not to mention working with the Dean to make sure he can return down the road…
I’m sorry, this is a painful upheaval.
LOTS of people experience unexpected detours. It’s not the end of the world, but it can be so difficult to figure out what to do, how to respond, and to reconcile unintended consequences.
Perhaps your son would be willing to accept your gift of paying for a skilled therapist. It could pay dividends in Life Skills as he finds his footing and examines why this option is so very appealing at this moment in time.
Maybe he is utterly burnt out, and he sees this move as releasing the pressure valve.
I can sympathize with that feeling of wanting to RUN. AWAY. When the stress levels skyrocket – buried in paperwork, deadlines, computer problems — I start to fantasize about picking up and leaving it all behind. It is completely irrational, but those feelings are strong. And I’m in my 50s!
Unless he ups and GOES, impulsively, you’ve got time to help him come up with a plan, maybe get him to apply for a job in Yellowstone or some other National Park, and seek out a therapist/sounding board in the meantime.
Good luck!
@yourmomma - it may or may not take guts; that wholly depends on whether the student believes his parents will make is all okay for him and whether the student truly grasps how not easy this path can be
I have two reactions.
First of all, I agree with @TomSrOfBoston, $20,000 in loans in the first year is way too much. Was there no more affordable option?
Also, in general university is tough. It is a huge change in a student’s life to go off to university. Depending upon where he is and what he is studying the classes can be tough. Students are suddenly responsible for getting themselves to class, scheduling when they study and when they eat and when they do laundry, and many other things. In order for a student to do well at university, they need to want to do it. If he is not ready, then he is wasting his time at university – and apparently running up debt at a rather alarming rate.
As such I suspect that some time off is likely in the long run to be a good thing. Quite often after some time off a student figures out why they want to get a degree and what they want to study, and can be a much better student when they return. Of course, there are no guarantees and results can differ wildly between individuals.
Wish you the best, it’s just a change in direction that will lead to you don’t know what yet. Maybe he will be this guy someday (this guy knew how to run away).
Little older, yes, but his year looks amazing!
I would insist he leave this life tidy so he has options. And let him know your door and arms are always open. Is heading west the only option he wants to pursue or are you still talking things out with him?
Love the surboard comment @yourmomma !
“The law states that children can be on their parents plan until age 26”
A child can stay on a parent’s group policy until age 26. There are still considerations though, like is it an HMO PPO that has limited providers. If so all care might be out of network if the child is ‘out west.’ In there a Dental/eye policy that is different? (that is not required to allow a child on until age 26 unless state law requires it).
If there is a $20k loan for one semester with the parents as a co-signer, it is a private student loan. The terms of the loan will control that. He may also (or as part of the $20k) have a direct loan where payments will start in 6 months, but that would only be for $2750.
Yes… it’s important to research the policy for those reasons.
Honestly, given that amount of loan for one semester (or even the first full year), withdrawing from this college may not be a bad thing. However… I would not provide funding for his move West, and I’d tell him he is responsible for copays/etc on his health insurance, and also for his loan payments.
I’d tell him he can live at home and work and pay a minimal rent (which I might save and give back to him later) for a year or two while he decides on a long term direction if he wants to.
I might suggest that he work at home this semester and maybe try to get a seasonal job out west for the summer – then consider CC in the fall back home again.
make sure he knows the loans are his responsibility, stay on top of it, and be prepared to pay the piper if he flakes.
let him stay on the insurance as long as it does not cost you anything, otherwise cut him loose.
don’t give him a dime but tell him the door’s open if he wants to come back – provided he’s paying off those loans.
if he insists he wants to be on his own and live his own life, he’s an adult and there’s not much you can do to stop him. but you have no obligation to fund his bad life decisions.
$20,000 of debt for one semester is way too much.
However, he should be sure to do the leave-of-absence or withdrawal paperwork correctly so that (a) he can get as much of a refund as possible, (b) he won’t end up with a semester full of F grades, and © he will be eligible to return and continue if desired and financially possible.
Might not help, but fwiw…I know plenty of people (including my straight-A brother) who dropped out their freshman year of college and never looked back. Though there were struggles along the way, I don’t think a single one of them regrets it. In fact, I know they don’t because I’m always asking about it!
Hopefully in a few years you’ll be able to look back at this and laugh (or at least not cry?). I can imagine how devastating it must feel, though, after the years of planning and hoping for that awesome college experience. Hang in there, Mom!
p.s. “out west” is a pretty large area. If you can be a tad more specific on the area he’s heading to, I might be able to make specific suggestions. PM me if you’d like. Best luck to all!
I don’t get the catastrophizing or the punitive approach with this. I like the surfboard comment back aways.
There are lots of ways to do college these days. The majority don’t do it the traditional way. He can do college when he needs to, lots of time. And there are some really affordable ways to do it too, community college, online, extension etc. When he reaches 24 financial aid will be based on his finances, not yours. That could save more than $150k apparently.
As others have said, he should withdraw quickly, like yesterday, to get refunds and make sure he doesn’t have a bunch of W’s. Medical withdrawals can wipe W’s off but it doesn’t sound like he views himself as being a medical withdrawal, and he is probably right.
I would vote for completely withdrawing since it seems unlikely he will return to that school, but there are arguments on both sides.
Be grateful he is doing that instead of getting bad grades in exchange for $20k debt- which many do.
Your relationship with him is an essential right now and your “straddling” comment about needing him to stay in touch shows you are aware of that. I would show him understanding and support, express excitement that he is having an adventure, hope that it is clarifying, and offer whatever help he needs. Chances are he wants autonomy at this juncture and will only ask for what he really needs.
I know many kids who have done this, including one of my own. The best thing is to show trust and faith in them but be there in case there is something wrong underneath it all. Super responsible kids who work hard to get into college sometimes hit a wall of meaninglessness once there.
This may be a sign of maturity that just needs some adjusting to what he wants, and not what is expected of him.
Without knowing him, and apologies if this is off base, but this strikes me as life-changing in a very good way even if it is a bit of a journey 
Feel free to PM!
ps Maybe he would be interested in National Outdoor Leadership School- tell him to google it.
Sounds like the slightly older version of running away from home at age 12, not a well thought out alternative plan for an adult. Good luck.
Hi @Hittheroadmom Without giving too many details, I can tell you that we have a chlid no longer in college. Possibly going back but maybe not. it’s kind of heartbreaking, because in our case there is no big dream “out there” just a loss of motivation, depression, and some other negative factors.
First thing to say is that our child is still covered for health insurance on our work plan until 26, so that’s good. Otherwise therapists and medications would not be do able.
Second, this is a break from family and self expectations and if your case is anything like ours, the student does not want any suggestions. for a lifestyle, an alternative gap year, a route west, nothing. They want an escape. It took us a while to accept that.
third, The college, in our case, is very lenient about letting you re register later on, when you get your s*** together. That may happen soon for our child, after a gap of several semesters. No need for a lot of paperwork, but I would guess this is unusual. My opinion, though, is that trying to get your student that just quit to go back for more paperwork is a recipe for heartbreak. You may have to let it go without a leave of absence, nothing. Two weeks in is actually a good time to leave, because your student may be let off the hook for spring tuition. He is likely not to stay until the end of the semester. I wouldn’t even try it…that would just mean more pointless debt, I am guessing.
Fourth, I hope that you don’t blame yourself. A lot of people have focused on our role in our child’s college “break” including some past therapists. They are wrong, this is an adult. it’s something adults do. I myself headed west without a job…only difference is that i started after college graduation. Still, it was scary and something no one could have persuaded me not to do. I guess it turned out ok…I survived to post on CC after all, although I never did learn to surf.
@compmom what ‘punitive’ approach do you mean? I haven’t seen anyone suggesting that – simply living with the natural consequences of one’s own decisions. What do you see as punitive exactly?
My son left college after his sophomore year, age 20. He took a leave of absence but did not end up returning to that college. He got a full time job and moved out and lived his own for 3 years. Then he transferred into a directional state U and got his bachelor’s degree at age 25, paying his own way.
The main advice I have is to make parental expectations clear:
I sat my son down, went over various costs, expenses, and expectations-- including terms for a future return to college. In my case I told him that he could return to school on my dime in the short run (the following 3 years) – but not thereafter – so because he only returned to school further down the line, he paid his own way. (But it wasn’t hard because he had savings from work for the first year, and received merit aid together with a Pell grant his final year --and he ended up with far less in student debt than his younger sister who completed 4 years of college on track.)
For health insurance, my son qualified for employer coverage after 2 or 3 months of working so it wasn’t an issue long term.
Each person is different but if a person is on the wrong track, its better in the long run if he bails out early rather than sinking more time and money in an endeavor that isn’t going to work out. If your son is able to get any sort of refund on tuition by withdrawing at this point that could be a factor in his thinking.
@calmom I did this too – my funding is available for x number of years because one day I need to turn the dollars to my own retirement.
Can you make his stick it out another semester? This seems like a bad decision for so many reasons. I don’t see this as letting him follow his dreams as much as letting him make a foolish choice. I would seriously do whatever I could to influence him to finish this semester, unless by some miracle you don’t have to pay for all of it.