Which choice will have the least negative impact on his future chances of attending college? Tomorrow is the last day to withdraw from classes, after that withdrawals are automatic Fs unless he can get a medical withdrawal approved.
I don’t know if he can make it through the semester, and I think there is a very good possibility that he will fail all 4 courses anyway. One, for sure I think he is going to drop today after receiving a 47 on the midterm. An email to the Prof. indicated that withdrawing is probably the best course of action.
He doesn’t want to give up and come home. He doesn’t want to just quit. He feels like a failure, he feels dumb, and he feels humiliated. If I felt he could pull off the remaining 3 classes I would feel there was some purpose in gutting it out for another 5-6 weeks but it all seems pointless right now.
Plus I worry nonstop. He calls me constantly sobbing, and keeps me on the phone for hours. It is so heart wrenching. Counseling services is overloaded and although he has went a couple of times it hasn’t seemed to help. I have no experience with mental help issues, and he was not experiencing any of this before he started college.
I am not even sure I know what I am asking, but I have seen a lot of posts pertaining to related issues and I am hoping to get some advice and clarity. Thanks for reading.
Is there a middle ground to strike? Could he whittle down to one or two classes (the best ones) and withdraw from the rest?
If not, if I were in your shoes I’d probably have him withdraw (to the extent that you have any influence on his choice). A semester full of F’s will do big damage to his overall GPA. Not to mention, the biggest priority is getting to the root of the problem.
I’m so sorry this has happened. Take the W’s. Get him home. Get him help. Get him stable. Let him work for a semester or a year while he sorts this out. Then try again. And while I know he will feel like a failure, build him up, encourage him, and tell him part of what he is learning is to take care of himself … an important part. Hugs.
And, adding to my post… As you get him help, get medical documentation that can perhaps be used to retroactively make these medical W’s. Not all schools will allow this, but building a medical W case takes some time, and it sounds like he is in a bad state. Getting him healthy is most important.
Editing again: FWIW, I started experiencing panic attacks in my freshman year of college. Nobody talked about such things back then. I didn’t know they were a thing. I thought I was dying. I thought I was going crazy. I was mortified and embarrassed and covered as well as I could. I toughed it out. Only later in my 20’s did I actually start to deal with it in a positive way. I say that not to encourage anyone to “just tough it out” … but to get help as soon as you start to experience such things. In all of my “toughing it out,” though, I never reacted the way you have described your son. I could function fine most of the time. He doesn’t sound like he’s functioning much at all. Poor kid. I’m so sorry. But there is hope and help, and it can and does get better with help.
This is not the end of the world, even if it feels like it.
We had a crisis junior year of high school. It took some shopping for therapists. We settled on a skilled DBT therapist that proved helpful. That therapist referred us to a psychiatrist and although I could feel all kinds of resistance and doubt welling up, in hindsight, we’re very glad we went.
It IS very hard. It’s hard to gauge the serious and depth of the problem(s).
Things I’ve found helpful? Do everything I can to manage my own anxiety and worry. Try to project confidence and love towards my child instead of projecting doubt, constant worry & stress. Remind myself these situations are marathons, not sprints.
Withdraw. Time for a total reboot. Life just happens sometimes.
If he fails he will be in much worse shape. His mental health won’t be any better and the GPA will never recover.
Get him the help he needs. This is a blip in life. It is NOT the end of the world…
It doesn’t matter what the ultimate problem is whether it’s depression, anxiety or too hard classes or a combination. It won’t be solved by tomorrow.
I’ve been in your shoes. Withdraw now. If your son is unable to do it himself, call the Dean’s office to talk about the situation (you may want to do so regardless). Get your son home where you can get him the help he needs while monitoring his progress. Even if you don’t make tomorrow’s deadline, you can probably get a medical withdrawal but you need to give the Dean’s office a heads-up.
If at all possible, go out and see him ASAP and help him through the process. It sounds like he’ll need both a psychiatrist and a psychologist. Getting a good fit with those can be a bit of trial and error, so have your eyes open going in that you’re both doing test-runs.
Most of all, tell your son that depression, anxiety, and panic attacks are like diabetes. It’s not something under his control and it’s not something to be embarrassed about. It is what it is, and it’s something that definitely needs medical help. As for yourself, be prepared for a long, hard road ahead. It’s not something you take a pill today and everything is better tomorrow. Like diabetes, it’s something that needs to be monitored and managed for life.
I would also vote for withdraw. The only other option would be if you have the time and money to relocate to where your son is, find a private psychiatrist, move him in with you for the short-term, and see if you (along with intense therapy and likely needed medication) can get him through the remainder of the semester and that’s only if you really think that’s possible. Withdrawing is not a failure. Please tell your son that mental illness is a disease, not a weakness of character or intellect. It is no different than if he had an unexpected onset of mono. It’s an illness of the brain and he will feel better in time with treatment.
“I’m so sorry this has happened. Take the W’s. Get him home. Get him help. Get him stable. Let him work for a semester or a year while he sorts this out. Then try again.”
At this point in the semester, I think the others are right. Your child is not handling things and needs help. Take the Ws and bring him home, and try to sort them out later.
You have my sympathy. My child has had a rough time settling in and I can totally relate to what you are going through, inlcuding the sobbing phone calls. Reassure him that not every student just goes to college for four years. There are many different paths to adulthood, and his college experience might not just be on the straight road. I myself spent six years getting a degree. I have a good life as an adult.
He is not a failure. In fact, if he agrees that coming home is best, he is on the first step to taking control of his future again. He can then think long and hard about what he really needs and wants to do. I now understand that kids these days put a ton of pressure in themselves to do well. And so do we parents, teachers, and others. In fact, I really wish we had encouraged our child to take a gap year. There is no rush to be an adult. You have my best wishes that things work out for your son and your family. Stay strong.
I read here on CC, awhile back, someone describe a situation with their college student that was not going as they hoped and dreamed as an “unexpected detour”.
That phrase really stuck with me and I find it so comforting. Unexpected detour. YES! Those happen to people in this crazy life and you just can’t jump and label them as “bad”. We don’t know what lies ahead. It might be BETTER.
In your case, withdraw. If his grades were solid, he might of tried underloading but that is not the case. Make sure that he can withdraw with a clean slate. Otherwise look into a medical withdraw which should also leave him with a clean slate. However with a medical withdraw, there will likely be conditions set that must be met to return. However be very carefull that you follow all rules. There is more to this then just dropping the courses online. The school deals with this all the time and will have a well docomented process. If done properly, he should be able to apply to be readmitted when the time comes. If necessary (likely in your case), do not hesitate to step in and contact the school. The Dean of Students might be a good place to start. Unfortunately, you son is NOT the only one who has hit this speed bump. These issues are extremely common. These types of issues can take a long time to resolve and get to a point where he can continue. If his problems are severe enough to require medication, it can take several tries to find the right medication. Each one often takes months before you know it is even helping. Therapy will help but again takes time. Recovery/treatment is a long process. DO NOT rush to go back.
This is not the end of the road. It is a detour. Like most detours, the path will be unfamilar but usually you find a new path to where you wanted to go.
Thank you so much for your thoughts. I am 6 hours away so it isn’t like I can pop in or bring him home for weekends. As much as it kills me I am at the point where I am willing to bring him home, but he won’t consider it. Despite the overwhelming distress he is experiencing, giving up and facing people at home is more than he can bear, and I am very reluctant to force his decision.
I think he would rather finish the semester, even if he fails every class, than quit outright. I have encouraged him to get an emergency appointment with his advisor to devise a plan for damage control…
I see no chance of him returning in January, but I guess he feels he can save face if he finishes the semester and from there he can pass off his next move as a “choice.”
Meanwhile, this is absolutely frightening. I hope the counselors there can recognize the severity of the situation because I sure have no idea.
You’ve gotten great advice above. As I read your post I felt your pain. There’s nothing harder than seeing our children struggle and feeling helpless. I just want to give you some things to think about or look into: As a therapist, I would want to know what came first, the bad grades or the depression/anxiety. Did one trigger the other? Also, to figure out if his symptoms are the result of a chemical imbalance or circumstantial. Sometimes kids go away to college and experience failure for the first time in their life. Nothing has prepared them to deal with that. Another thing to look into is whether he has been drinking and smoking pot excessively. It’s not unusual for teens to self-medicate, The thing is that using/drinking can change the brain chemistry and exacerbate the symptoms. Let him know that if he has been using that it’s okay for him to talk about it. It’s very relevant here. Finally, I don’t care how busy his school’s counseling center is. Someone needs to assess him immediately (a psychiatrist). If the school can’t do it (even though they must, imo) then he needs to see someone in the town or city where the school is. He may need medication right now. I will have you both in my thoughts. Remember his life isn’t over, by any means. People recover from “breakdowns” all the time, especially when it happens during their youth. Freshman yr is often when these symptoms rear their ugly head for the first time. It’s so common. One more thing is that it is okay for a parent to ask whether the child has had thoughts of hurting themselves. It’s terrifying to think about and people often won’t ask, but it’s okay. I’m not suggesting your son is at risk (he probably isn’t), but asking someone this question doesn’t trigger them, it just gives them permission to talk about it if it’s something that is on their mind.
Considering this information, I would not force him to withdraw. If it were me, I would go up there and help him figure out where and why he is having points of failure and deal with each one as best as I can.
He may have a truly crappy first semester, but getting through it may help him more than coming home.
Consider that if he really does terribly, he will be put on academic probation or even dismissed. That is worse than Ws. He should understand that possiblilty. He will then be under a ton of pressure to do really well the following semester. Not sure that is the best choice, but that is for him and you to decide. I do,think he needs to stop worrying about the saving face thing, because he is likely to face it anyway if he is academically dismissed. Far better to be in control of the situation perhaps. I am sure you will discuss his options with him. Good luck.
There have been so many really good points made but I am too drained to address them individually. I am truly thinking about everything each of you have said.
Looking at the big picture it seems that Ws would be preferable to Fs if he tried to transfer down the road. Does anyone know off hand how colleges would view a first semester withdrawal? I imagine it will still raise plenty of red flags…