Too risky to pay for a semester a kid doesn’t want to do. Avoiding the harm of low grades at high cost seems wise.
I know several young people who have done college or other training in non-traditional ways ( “traditional” meaning 4 year residential college), sometimes at an older age or after a break, and they are all very mature and committed at this point.
In some states kids over 18 can get affordable health insurance on their own via the ACA, sometimes Medicaid, sometimes low cost plans.
There’s a difference between letting a student take a non-traditional route or not going to college or trying a different path, and making a rash, expensive, and out of character decision.
I absolutely agree that some kids will need or want to drop out of college either temporarily or permanently and they will be fine. And kids can follow their dreams.
But why now? Why did he go back second semester?
He does not want to stay in college? Fine, but why doesn’t he even want to craft a plan for what he’s going to do out west? It sounds to me like he’s running from something.
As a parent, I’d need to delve a little deeper before I could get behind this huge about-face.
We had to get over the shock and surprise factor last night and face the reality that he is done today and get him moving on the paperwork bc it needs to come from him and not us.
Our 16 yo told us that we need to be proud of him when the word gets out and not show anyone that we are disappointed. Wise beyond his years.
So like the stages of death and dying, we need to get over the anger, denial and face the truth. It is hard as we had expectations. But it is HIS life. We’ve already done this yrs ago.
Right now he’s on a train bound for the West. Packed a couple of bags and left without telling anyone (even us). We will be heading to school to pack up and pick up his things as well as close out the ‘transaction’. It is what it is. Yes it is irresponsible from our perspective, as H and I are not like that. But this is the new generation.
I appreciate the feedback given here and know that I may buy him a surf board when he’s settled. Might as well learn to catch a wave from being cooped up this winter.
The question of his mental health will have to be addressed. He has packed up and run away and left you with a financial mess. That is not quite the same as a sensible withdrawal. Is it too late to get any of semester 2s tuition back?
double post
I had expectations for my D too. It was difficult to let you of them when she told us she didn’t want to go to college. I had to answer a lot of uncomfortable questions from friends and family. But we could not force her to go.
We had to let her figure out for herself what she wanted to do. And we had to help her seek some therapy to do this.
I’d be terrified if my kid packed up and left with no itinerary or means of support. I wish you the best.
This just doesn’t sound right. I can understand your normally responsible S saying that the school isn’t a good fit and deciding that it’s better to pull the plug 2 weeks into the new semester. But hopping on a train without telling you? And leaving you to do all the cleanup work? From what you previously said, this sounds very out of character for him. I’d be more worried than mad, and I’d do everything I can to keep the lines of communication open. And I’d absolutely keep him on my health insurance. And honestly, I’d get into counseling for myself, to help me with keeping that line of communication open. I’m sorry you’re going through this.
I’ve been where you’re at, OP. It’s scary and it feels like you’ve had the rug pulled out from under you. You’re getting lots of good advice on this thread, so I will just send virtual hugs. Try to breathe. Sometimes, kids take a detour on the road to adulthood. Here’s hoping your son will in time regain his equilibrium, sense of self and direction – and come out stronger and more confident as result. Wishing you the best.
What guts. Like him already.
I got a new job once, got in at 7am and spent the next hour or so setting up desk, meeting and looking around at all the people I would work with and got a sense of the environment. At 8:45 my new boss said I should head over to HR in another building at 9 to fill out all my paperwork. I grabbed my purse, and on the way to HR, I instead walked to my car, got in and drove away.
It was not for me. Getting on the highway ramp leaving there was the best feeling ever. Drove to a friend’s office and he made a call while I was there. Had a new and fantastic gig a few weeks later. Sometimes impulsive works out. Best to you, let us know if you get him that surfboard.
Maybe someday he will be settled with a pineapple on his nightstand, and all will be right with his world. I hope so.
This would worry me. It’s out of character and reckless, and would often send huge warning flags. If he were a girl I’d worry about assault, for instance. It’s not just an escape - it’s disappearing, making himself disappear. It’s not about being in college or not.
Do handle the LOA for him as well as you can. Stay in contact and supportive but try to figure it out.
I hope the withdrawal can happen without him or he has signed papers before leaving. And that it is in time for refunds and no W’s.
Going by train is a great experience and a much safer way to see the country than some other options (like hitchhiking).
I hopped on a train when I was his age so I can relate. The scenario was a little different. I met people, I relaxed and watched life pass by, and I felt that some things got resolved as I had so much time to think.
When life has been lived in a prescribed manner, with externals driving everything, an open road can be healing and motivating. There is a whole genre of literature for this.
But he should not have left a mess behind and that is a little worrisome about the internal pressure he was feeling to leave.
I did this the first time I went to college.
I felt overwhelmed with the transition and became severely depressed. I kept my grades up (mostly) because academics always came easy to me, but I was scared and lonely. I tried seeing the college counselor but that didn’t really help. In retrospect, I needed a leave of absence with a lot of therapy over the course of a year. At the time, I could not see past my day to day depression…and I was so afraid and ashamed of disappointing my parents. I eventually dropped out without telling them. When they found out, their main concern was that they had “wasted $40,000” on me. I stayed in the city of that college, away from my parents who were understandably concerned about the money they had wasted and therefore not in a position to be helpful to my state of depression, and found minimum-wage work. I somehow managed to hold down a job even though all I really wanted to do was disappear…I literally thought about jumping on a train and heading somewhere, anywhere, to try to escape the pain of my depression.
Ways my parents could have helped me at that time - kept quiet about “wasting $40,000” on me, which only compounded my inability to my trust them with my emotions…they were the type that did not believe in depression and they let me know I had disappointed them. I wish I had taken advantage of being on their health insurance and put myself in a residential mental health institution so I could have tackled my serious depression…and other issues that came from that depression. I felt like a failure as a human being for not being able to stay in college. I wanted to be able to stay in college but I just could not handle the stress of the transition.
I know this is very difficult for you - maybe you could find a way to gently and supportively suggest your son find a good therapist when he gets out West - and offer to pay for that therapy. Understand he probably feels ashamed and scared of what his parents think of him. Try hard not to be judgmental. Let him know you love him no matter what and that you are worried about him - not worried because you are afraid of what the neighbors will say (like my parents were), but worried for his sake because you love him so much and because you want to help him find his way and feel at peace.
I know it must be so hard for you as parents and I know you must be worried.
I eventually went back to college, by the way, ten years later, and paid for it myself. I then went to Harvard for graduate school. Your son has every chance in the world at ending up being just fine - However, my late teens and early twenties felt like hell - and my parents never let me (or their neighbors or our other family members) forget how badly I disappointed them by dropping out of college the first time around and therefore wasting all their money. I ended up cuting off all contact with them four years ago.
Wishing your family well as you navigate this situation.
I send you hugs and deep wells of understanding. It sounds like your son needs all your love and support at this time.
Going away for college is hard emotionally for so many and this is acknowledged by so few–and it has nothing to do with academics. It has to do with the Great Uncertainty of life that hits you at that time, being away from everything that one knows, not to mention that one is living with a stranger and is fragile in terms of brain and emotional development. This has happened to so many people I’ve known, and, sooner or later, they work things out, either struggling with anxiety/depression at school or away until they get some help.
I would not be worried about loans and whether he will return to college, etc.–all that can eventually be worked out. I would be there for your son in any way you can–phone calls, skype, giving him the opportunity to stay with friends in other parts of the country–growing his support network so he can see that he is not alone in this world.
@Hittheroad I am sorry – this would worry me very much in your shoes. He has run away and left you holding the bag. It isn’t in character – and it is disrespectful to you and your husband as well.
I work in corporate HR and have dealt with the aftermath of new employees who walk out on day one without so much as a goodbye.
I’m sure it’s a badge of honor for the people who do this/have done it, but those of us who have to pick up the pieces, not so much. How hard is it to walk into a supervisor’s office and say “I’ve made a mistake, let me know the best way for me to undo the logistics here for a clean and professional exit”. That’s not hard. And then another two hours, tops, to clean up.
You think it’s fun for someone to spend the next two weeks unraveling the mess when someone walks out for no reason? Reviewing security tapes to make sure they weren’t kidnapped from the parking lot or the ladies room; writing the memo of “we don’t know why but he’s taken off and isn’t coming back”, pulling the corporate email access, building access, shredding all the on-boarding documents which have the social security numbers, reference checks, credit check, verification of college degrees and dates of previous employment, etc. And then-- most painful- having to monitor travel, petty cash, corporate cards to make sure the employee didn’t spend their two hours of employment charging up a storm on someone else’s account, or having to get a lawyer to write the letter to get the sign on bonus back? Someone gets a $10K sign-on when they accept the offer, work for two hours, and think they get to keep the money? Or we’ve given a 12K cash advance to cover moving expenses-- with no employee in place?
OP- sorry you are left with the mess. Hugs that this is a good thing for your son long term.
What guts. Like him already. <<
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Then again, you didn’t co-sign his loan.
Wow that was a diversion, sounds like maybe time for a job change? Having been an HR director myself, I don’t find it to be quite so dramatic when someone makes a U turn - me and the people that work for me get paid really well to fix stuff like that. Part of the job, which is mostly mindless, tedious stuff anyway. Keeps it interesting. There’s always a good story to tell from both sides and the world keeps spinning.
OP - wish you well. He may have abandoned responsibility here, but he needs to know he can not abandon you guys and he must keep you informed. That is what I hope for you most, that you know what he is doing. Best.
@Wien2NC EXACTLY - I don’t think it takes guts at all to run away and leave someone else with the mess, I always thought that was the epitome of cowardess-- especially leaving the mess with your own parents. I would be mad as hell (as well as worried).
This sort of situation is why we are not co-signing loans for any of our 5 kids.