It seems that I, most have of my friends, and children have either had a tolerable or bad experience with freshman roommates. Just trying to figure out if that is the norm.
Mine was tolerable way back when. My roommate was a sophomore whose 2 best friends lived next store. But we were reasonably compatible. D1 had a roommate who partied herself right out of college; D1 moved out at the semester break of frosh year. D2 had a roommate who moved in early for a summer program and hogged all the best furniture & space in the room. D2 was a wimp and did not ask for a change. They made it through the year, but roommate did not return for academic reasons.
My first roommate was put into a mental hospital after doing a little too much LSD/Mushrooms/etc. I knew him in high school but his parents were very strict and he went off the deep end once he got out from under them. Other than that he was tolerable.
Back in 04-05 mine was in the good or great range. Definitely better than tolerable. Had I not gone greek we would have roomed together sophomore year. Actually weren’t the most similar people overall but did have similar feelings about things that actually mattered the most for a roommate scenario: similar class schedules so we had similar bedtimes, both preferred pitch black rooms with some white noise and relatively cool temperatures for sleeping, and both felt the room was primarily a sleeping/studying space. We worked out a system for requesting the room as a more social space, and we even went in together on a loveseat for our room which served as a great place to sit as we played countless games of NCAA basketball/football. We’re not really in touch anymore but still only have positive memories of my time living with him.
My guess is tolerable is the norm with a slight skew towards good. Generally “my roommate is good” stories aren’t as interesting to pass around as “my roommate is bad” ones.
For my kids - one in the good column, one in the bad column.
My original choice and I got along great. Her mother made her move on day one, so I was alone in the room for about two months. Then I got the roommate from hell who was determined to make ME move out so she could room with someone else. (Not happening.) Original roomie and I got to be official roommates 2nd year, then each got singles. We respected each other and had a great time in college, even being in each other’s weddings. I wish we lived near each other now.
For my kids one tolerable, one very good.
DD had a great experience with her completely random, university chosen roomie. Rooming together next year too. She seems to feel that amongst her friends the ones who left it up to the university to choose had better luck than the ones who tried to select roomies via social media.
My D just finished her first year in a forced triple. None of the 3 were good friends outside of the room but inside, they had no issues. They were respectful and kind to one another. If one was sick, the others would bring back tea and soup from dining hall, if someone was studying, the others would leave the room if they got a phone call, etc. My D was very sick during finals and threw up all over her bed in the middle of the night. She had to wash her sheets and blanket. One of her roomies got up and put another set of sheets on D’s bed. I’m not sure how much they’ll stay in contact going forward but I think they’ll only have positive memories of living together.
I’d say both were tolerable but different experiences.
My S was in a wellness dorm and somehow ended up with a roommate who went out drinking/partying every night, came in at 3AM drunk (and shook the bunk bed getting in) and slept part of the afternoons. I think they worked it out for the year by basically keeping the room for just the two of them – neither one had friends spend a lot of time in their room so at least there wasn’t drinking/partying there. Not ideal but my S found many other friends in the dorm and the dorm had a lot of common spaces. Both found more suitable roommates for the next year.
My D’s roommate started out as a great friend, but during the second semester of freshman year the roommate walked away from their mutual group to seek out “cooler” kids while my D stayed close with the initial group of friends (and added other groups of friends through the years). It was certainly the roommate’s prerogative to move on to another friend group and they remained nice and respectful towards one another but both found new roommates for the next year.
BU had a roommate “contract” that they required regarding overnight guests,etc. DD said this was very helpful, as long as an agreement that we will both be kind and respectful but not BFFs. She had one roommate who was not her taste at all, but all were tolerable. There was one who was so dramatically unsafe in her behavior overseas that I ended up calling the school after she returned. She tolerated it and got through fine, but I wanted to Dean to know that the RA responsible for monitoring behavior of 18 year olds in a foreign country was not doing his job. I think the Dean was very surprised that I would call after my daughter was home safe, but DD believed that the person had a vindictive streak and did not want to risk her studies or her valuables. I presented it as a college liability issues. The Dean took it very, very, seriously.
Tolerable. I was an introvert, but my roomie was REALLY quiet. I don’t know if we said 100 words to each other all semester. I could deal with that - things could have been much worse. While we’re on the topic, I worry about my daughter’s upcoming freshman roommate situation. And I’m thinking SHE might be the annoying one. She had lead poisoning when we adopted her and the only obvious effect is her hyperactivity. She can’t sit still, she talks loud, gets really crazy excited about some things, and can’t tiptoe and be quiet for the life of her. She’s outgoing and fun with a great personality, but I worry that she’s just going to annoy the heck out of her roommate. She does at least sleep well. And no, she doesn’t take meds because the one time we tried, she ended up in the ER after the first small dose. I’ve been talking to her for months about her quirks and reminding her that she’s going to have to try real hard to tone it down and try to be considerate of others, but she left the house early for work this AM with a loud slam of the front door (no, not on purpose - she just doesn’t think) and I know that kind of thing isn’t going to be tolerated for long. I just hope she gets a kind roommate who can communicate with her in a reasonable way.
I’d say most of my friends had at least a tolerable freshman roommate experience with roughly a third having an experience good enough to continue rooming together sophomore year. I expect you don’t hear as much about these because they’re fairly boring compared to terrible roommate stories.
I personally had one roommate and two suitemates (it was a quad suite with two doubles). I had an amazing experience with my roommate. We were both pretty easygoing and had relatively compatible habits (it helped that we both slept like rocks and never woke each other up). She was in several of my classes and we became pretty good friends. I also had a fantastic experience with one of my suitemates who quickly became one of my best friends. We got along very well and supported each other a lot through freshman year. I roomed with her sophomore year and we are still best friends. The last suitemate and I had an okay relationship. We didn’t have any major issues, but she had a tendency to be passive-aggressive.
For my son, two good freshman roommates. They are not best friends but got along very well.
D just ended her freshman year. Her roommate was tolerable,but in a not good way. She said they gave up trying to have conversations after the first few weeks. They just had nothing in common. So they essentially totally ignored each other for the remainder of the school year. It’s hard to know who, if either, was at “fault.” D just kind of blocked the roommate out, and it seems the roomie did the same. Her friends thought it was bizarre how they could coexist without ever communicating. I think the reason it didn’t become total animosity is because both tried to be respectful of the shared living space. They were both tidy and tried to be quiet.
From what I have gleaned from both this site and IRL, most kids don’t have terrible situations, but a LOT of kids don’t have great roommates either. It’s probably like most things: On a scale of 1-10, you will have a few who love the roomie, a few who will hate the roomie, and everyone else if going to fall in the middle somewhere. In our friend group there was a bumper crop of college freshman last year, and in comparing notes, all but one of our kids had roomie teething pains. Some switched roomies at the end of the semester if the college allowed it.
A lot of the kids who chose roomies via facebook groups seemed to have fared worse than others. One kid literally left his roommate to fate. He just wanted a randomly assigned roomie and got it. It was fine. Not besties, not enemies. Maybe that’s the way to go. I don’t think there is a strategy though. A lot of it is luck. Next year, D got a single. She didn’t wat to live with a couple of her best friends. She was worried they would get on each other’s nerves.
My D16 had a great experience with a randomly assigned roommate. They’re very good friends and are also close with one of their suite mates (they had a shared bathroom). The three of them are living together off-campus in the fall. They are looking forward to having their own rooms and more space, but they became really close.
I also had a great experience with a randomly assigned roommate back in the 90s.
I should have added to my post above, #14, that D was assigned a roommate based on detailed questionaires and that the school will only allow room changes under exceptional circumstances. The college does not allow freshman to choose roommates at all. Many of her friends had okay living situations though. I personally think the best situation is to have a roomie you like, but don’t love. It’s better in many ways if you have a separate life from a roommate.
Good experiences. Back in the day, my randomly assigned freshman roommates were great. We did become friends and stayed friends, if not BFF. Son1 lived with a HS friend, so that doesn’t count. (They remained friends after—both lived alone the next years.) Son2 was assigned an outstanding freshman year roommate. They are still in the same large friendship group.
My kid just finished freshman year. Tolerable for him, but bothered me. The roommate had an online business coming into the year. Fine. Used the dorm room to conduct that business. Less fine. Stored his stock in the room. Unacceptable. Also brought a full-sized water cooler to the room. A small, traditional double room. It was insanely crowded. The college eventually pulled the plug on the business and demanded for safety reasons that he get rid of some stuff, but it kept coming back. My kid is easygoing and didn’t care, but I did have a problem with it, particularly since it ended up all being between my kid and the door. They were in a group of about a dozen kids. The roommate moved of campus for next year in order to continue his business, leaving my son the odd one out of that group and having to scramble for a roommate for next year and being placed in a dorm away from the friend group. He’ll live. So will I.
My roommate situation freshman year was better than tolerable. There were four of us in a suite with two small bunk-bedded bedrooms and a decent common room. I was least close with the guy I shared the bedroom with, but we didn’t have any real problems with one another, just different ways of being academically oriented people. I roomed with one of the others sophomore year, together with two men who lived right below us. I liked and got along well with the fourth, despite radically different music tastes and his increasing unhappiness and addiction to marijuana and unhappiness about being unable to cope without getting high. He left college after three semesters and fell off the face of the earth. The other room on our landing, which included my best friend from high school, was extremely successful – they roomed together as a quad senior year, too, and two of them roomed together all four years of college.
My wife had total incompatibility – political, personal – with her freshman roommate. But they are great Facebook friends now, having both acknowledged that they could have been a little more open-minded at 17-18.
My daughter had a single her first year, which was what she wanted and it worked out perfectly. My son’s freshman roommate was tolerable/bad. Something of a cliche – introverted kid with strict tiger parents who, freed from parental supervision, swung wildly between binge drinking / out-of-control behavior (usually involving vomiting in the room at some point) and marathons of obsessive catch-up studying. I don’t think they ever spoke to one another after that year, and they mostly stopped speaking long before it ended.