<p>This sounds like a show for Dr. Phil.</p>
<p>OP - You’re doing all the right things with the top item being your decision to inform and advocate for the D who is a victim in all of this. The ‘friend’ isn’t really a friend. Whatever positive attributes you think she has (thought she had) aren’t real. For example - </p>
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She’s obviously not caring enough about her D to be honest with her, not steal from her, not ridicule her for going to the particular college, not caring enough about friends/family to not try to get money from them, etc. Also, that ‘fun personality’ probably doesn’t seem so fun anymore when you know the truth behind her - including her extremely narcissistic personality about stealing/borrowing from others to spend on herself.</p>
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You’ve mentioned this a couple of times but is it really true that she can’t move out, become independent, self-supporting, and protect herself from her mother whether she reports her mother as a thief or not (and I assume she wouldn’t want to report her for emotional reasons - I don’t blame her - she should avoid that)?</p>
<p>I moved out of the house after HS, moved to a different state to attend college on student loans and never took a nickel from my parents - nor did I want to nor did I think they should give me anything. I got a job that paid enough for me to live in a small studio apartment and went to college. I managed to survive. After graduating I paid back the student loans. I’m not the only one to do this and it’s still possible today with the right selection of the college - i.e. one that fits budget-wise.</p>
<p>Other options include perhaps living with a relative in another area, going to a CC, etc. to save money but include getting a job and making enough income to support herself even if it means she may need to take a lighter course load. It can be done and in this case the mother really has nothing to contribute anyway. </p>
<p>Don’t forget that any private student loans, should she end up with some, can be ‘raided’ and the money spent on things other than school. It happens all the time where the student spends the ‘student loan’ money on things like a car, a more expensive apartment, a vacation, etc. but in this case I can see the mother having her eyes on that, in her mind, windfall.</p>
<p>The D needs to fence herself off financially - she must not allow her mother access to any of her bank accounts, credit cards, etc. She also needs to not permit her mother to fraudulently use her information - that has to stop. The D needs to tell the mother she can’t do it and that it’s illegal and there will be consequences.</p>
<p>So, the D can look into how to become independent in living arrangements and financially and fence her mother off in that respect while still loving her mother and maintaining a relationship. If she lets it continue as it is now at some point there’ll be a huge wedge between them once the D full realizes how the mother completely derailed her and that could spell disaster for their long term relationship.</p>
<p>Thanks goodness the D has you to help provide some guidance in this.</p>