From a parent's point of view?

Parents Forum
1

<p>So I am currently a Sophomore on her last quarter attending a UC. I basically lived my entire life to please my parents. Ever since elementary school, I would push myself to do my best and get A's so my parents would be happy and proud of me. During high school, I even went to as taking 5 AP classes at once plus an extracurricular council/club class and graduated at the top percentile of my class--just so my parents would be proud of me.</p>

<p>When it was time to apply for college, I applied as a Biology major under pressure from my dad--even though art was my true passion. Right after being accepted into this UC school as a Biology major, this art company offered to help me live my dreams and open doors to new opportunities... but of course I <em>didn't</em> because I have the self-confidence of a hermit crab and that would have made my parents angry.</p>

<p>Half way through freshman year, I suddenly realized I was bound to become one of the sad/depressed medical students who would become doctors because they were told so... so I finally stood up for myself and changed my major to Computer/Art.</p>

<p>Note that I do realize this is a huge jump, and many would argue that I foolishly picked "instability" over "stability" but please do try to understand that becoming a doctor is something I don't have a passion for. Would you want such a doctor looking over you as a patient? ...but I digress.</p>

<p>Fast forward a year and some months, and I realize I still haven't found what I want to be doing...and this major isn't really what I thought it would be. After stressing over it for several months, I told my mother, who told my father, and everything blew up yesterday over the phone. My father basically told me he really doesn't care what I pick as my major/career anymore because he doesn't give a **** since it's "your life, not mine". On top of that, he brought up the fact of how he wanted me to be a doctor, but because I "refused" to, I should pick whatever the hell I want because it doesn't concern him. My mother really didn't help much after that, 'cause she brought up how she felt I might be changing majors/careers for the next 8 years, piling on more student debt with no viable career, and... well you get the point.</p>

<p>Ever since the end of that phone call, I pretty much spent the entire day crying in bed. I don't think I've ever felt this crappy in my life before. As a girl who dedicated the last 19 years of her life in hopes of pleasing her parents and this happened... What's even worse is that out of 6 billion people on the planet, there was not a single person I could call to talk to afterwords...which explains why I'm turning to strangers on the Internet for help.</p>

<p>I feel like I just ruined my relationship with my family, killed my future, wasted time in college, and destined to live in a cardboard box in an alley way somewhere now (funny if you think I'm kidding). But I think no matter what--if I studied to become a doctor or not--it's a total lose-lose situation for me. It seems I can't make anybody happy. To be perfectly honest, I feel I may have been more useful to everybody dead with a hefty life insurance (plus all 4 my roommates would get A's this quarter).</p>

<p>But I digress. Sorry for the length of this post.
Feel free to not to post in a sympathetic light, because that's not what I'm looking for. I just need some answers. I just need anything.</p>

2

<p>Your parents are just worried. It is not easy to grow up and figure out what feels right for you. It is ok to search and try things. Really it is. How else will you get to the aha moment?
Yes, your parents love you no matter what:) And, they worry that you will never figure out what you want to study ( and then of course there are the finances—your loans or theirs, doesn’t matter as it is all in the family). They worry BECAUSE they love you so much, and they do not want you to have to struggle (or amass loan debt)!
Being a doctor isn’t the only way to have a stable future, but your dad likely sees you as smart enough to be a doc ( if you wanted to be!) and figures that would be a good career—or maybe he wanted to be a dr. but didn’t dare try ( r life got in the way). Whatever his thinking, it is your life & he will be fine ( and love you) no matter what you choose to study ( or do).
Could you think about a gap year maybe? Volunteer somewhere far away where you can loose yourself in the needs of others ( and maybe forget your own worries for awhile). I know for me there was nothing like the love of a little girl holding my hand while I read her a story…when I left grad school, went to the mountains and worked as a nanny to clear my head.
You are on a journey of discovery. Do not let anyone else tell you what path to take. One step a day and see how that step feels…
You are obviously a very sensitive and caring young lady and you have a lot lot more use than a life insurance policy. You are sad because your parents are upset. Growing pains, nothing more and nothing less ( they hurt!!!). Your parents will always in some way see you as their little girl. That is ok, and is to be appreciated because they will always be there for you, but they cannot help worrying. Please take care. I care. You obviously care, and that is the most important thing—to care. xox</p>

3

<p>I know that a lot of the other parents here will chime in more eloquently than me…but</p>

<p>I think it is hard to figure out what you want to be and to make your own decisions…for </p>

<p>anyone, really… </p>

<p>If you do not want to be a doctor, then don’t.</p>

<p>Do you still like art and computers?</p>

4

<p>It totally breaks my heart to read what you are you are going through. Let me tell you i am a mom of a girl who is going to college this fall. We as parents too might have been strict with our child as to guide her in her choice of subjects. But from parents point of view , there is so much going on in girl’s life during the teenage years, that the children are not always able to see the big picture, and hence the guidance from parents is of utmost importance.</p>

<p>Having said that i also strongly believe that the children should be, firstly, exposed to various disciplines and subsequently allowed to make their choices. Because if they are not happy with what they are pursuing the whole aim of education is lost. </p>

<p>Studying medicine is a serious business and if you say you have been a good student maybe you should go back to it, after all it will lead you to a path where once you are a successful professional you will have the flexibility to explore a whole range without worrying about your daily bread and butter. </p>

<p>Let me share with you that highly successful professionals in my country have global presence today partly because all our parents when we were growing up wanted us to doctors and engineers. The artistic stuff was meant to be just part time hobbies. But the fact is that these professionals today are able to afford give their children the best of education, and we also have a life and are able to pursue our passions and hobbies.</p>

<p>The point is that get the best education that your parents can provide, combine them with fun electives, get somewhere in life and then if you have figured out by then what you likes go learn it. We are never to old to learn. Also with a Bio major there could be thousand of possibilities other than just becoming a doctor, be with children as a teacher, be a nutritionist and travel the world by joining the hospitality sector, be a dietician to the rich and famous, become a healer and trainer for sports persons…and i am sure there might be huge number of other creative stuff that one can do. It is just my opinion.</p>

<p>Talk to your college advisors , college seniors, friends, grandparents, have an adult talk with your parents , i am sure this can be worked out. Your parents are upset because they love you and care what you do with your life. Trust me on that one…Everything is going to be fine. Just breathe deeply, calm down and think it through with a clear mind.</p>

5

<p>Your future is not ruined {{{Hugs}}}</p>

<p>You are a sophomore. In most schools now is the time to declare your major - so it certainly is not “too late,” nor is your future in college ruined. One purpose of college is to explore your interests and decide what it is that you do like. You posted elsewhere you are thinking that perhaps law might interest you? I think you should sit down with your advisor or a professor you feel comfortable with and he/she can help you sort out what you want to study, without the emotion. I don’t know you or your giftings, but that person would.</p>

<p>As far as your parents… they will come around. They might be upset right now but I know that they love you.</p>

<p>You do need to make your own decision, however. It sounds like you want it both ways - to make your own decisions AND to please your parents. To have both is impossible. Whether you feel like it or not, just be an adult, make your decision, and move on.</p>

<p>Your parents will learn that they don’t need to control your decisions anymore.</p>

6

<p>Sorry things are tough, but you are not alone. Your dad may have reacted more out of concern, than being mean. As an adult, especially in the current economy, it is hard not to want kids to be practical. Your parents will come around. </p>

<p>You said this is your last semester at UC. Are you leaving because they won’t pay or you don’tknow what you want to do?</p>

<p>I have a sibling that majored in the arts and I in the science. My brother is doing quite well. </p>

<p>I also have a friend that decided he did not want to go to med school and switched from a bio major to political science, in part because he did not want to follow the expected path. By senior year he realized that he actually wanted to go to med school, spent a year taking the missing science classes, took the MCATs and now, many years later, is a happy and succesful doctor.</p>

<p>Others have art degrees, but are in business or doing something unrelated. Your destiny is not controlled completely by your undergraduate degree or the four years you spend in college. Don’t drop out, however. Try to finish your degree, even if you are unsure of your major.</p>

7

<p>I’m sorry that your parents have taken offense at your perfectly reasonable efforts to explore the world and figure out what is best for you. After having spent your entire youth trying to please them, the pain from their remarks must be searing. I’m so sorry.</p>

<p>What worries me the most about your post, though, is the statement that you would be more useful to everybody if you were dead. Have you actually considered killing yourself?</p>

<p>Please go today to your college’s counseling center and tell a counselor all of what you have told us. She/he will be able to provide some perspective and also help you decide what next steps to take in school and with regard to your parents.</p>

8

<p>Make a copy of your first post on this thread and send it to your parents. I suspect they don’t really understand what they have done, and they really don’t want to cause their daughter to spend all day in bed crying and talking to strangers because she feels completely alone.</p>

9

<p>Most (some believe all) anger is caused by fear. Your parents are scared you are ruining your future. You are worried about it too. Rest assured that you are perfectly normal. There are plenty of adults still trying to figure out what they should be when they grow up. My sister-in-law figured it out at fifty. And she may move on from the current career too. It’s not the end of the world. I do recommend you get some counseling - two sorts. One to make you feel mentally better, but also make an appointment with your college’s career office and do some exploration about what careers and majors might make sense for you.</p>

10

<p>I hear that you feel awful. I can’t know if your father said what he said out of frustration, worry, anger or trying to manipulate you to continue to do what he wanted. All are possible explanations and you can look inside yourself and figure out which fits best (over time).<br>
That said, you have worked hard and must have inner strength to accomplish what you have so far. If computer/art is not what you want, go to your advisers to ask for help figuring out what may be a better fit. One way to show your parents your good judgement is to come up with a plan that is practical. Want to study art- what about getting a teaching certificate so you can support yourself too? Or learn other computer programs so you could do IT, or a language or? Something practical that you can combine with your art to give you the chance (no guarantees) for stability and financial independence later on. Please know, a vast majority of college students change their major. Not deciding to be a doctor may be the best long term choice for your happiness, irrespective of your parents’ reaction. Be true to yourself, listen to what YOU want/need. There are college advisers at UCs that can give you the support you need. (Others have addressed the better off dead comment- listen to them.)
Hang in there.</p>

11

<p>Your story is very familiar to me.</p>

<p>My parents also had their hearts set on me being a doctor. They refused to give us this fantasy even after I fainted in bio class when required to dissect a CRICKET! They just said I didn’t have to be a surgeon…</p>

<p>By the time I reached college, they changed their foci. Dad wanted me to go in to computers (this was the mid-70’s when the field was just really beginning) and Mom wanted me to teach. I wanted to be a foreign correspondent.</p>

<p>After becoming so ill that I lost a full year of school (but still graduated on time because of AP and CLEP credits), I decided that I wanted to be a lawyer instead. My parents, who worked with lawyers, were displeased but since I was paying my own way, they had no say. I have been a lawyer for almost 30 years and love it. Eventually, my parents became proud of it, but that wasn’t my concern.</p>

<p>In your case, I would suggest speaking with a career counselor on campus and maybe having some testing to see where your aptitudes and interests intersect. Maybe art therapy, maybe teaching art, maybe nothing to do with art at all. This should give you some insight in to your issues and some ammo to deal with your parents.</p>

<p>Good luck.</p>

12

<p>The best protection for your future is to make sure that you finish this quarter with good grades. Collapsing over your major choice, your career choice or your relationship with your parents is not going to help you navigate the next few weeks of class, and no decision about any of those issues needs to be made before the end of the quarter.
Get out of bed and get to class, make sure you are on track on your assignments, and plan to spend the summer calmly exploring other options.</p>

13

<p>Yeah, and what she said.^^^^^^^ VERY important.</p>

14

<p>Don’t worry about your parents–they love you plenty. Art just doesn’t have that clear cut career path that other majors can offer. It really is a talent based career. There are lots of facets to it so start the research.
You love art and are smart enough for medicine. The passion for art will win out eventually so that is probably where you should be.
I personally know a woman (grown and married with kids now) who became a nurse because her parents thought that would be a good career. She worked for years and hated it. She now owns an art studio and wishes daily she had bucked her parents wishes much earlier in life.
I know another woman who was a computer guru for years. Finally followed her passions and does beading (gives classes, writes books, travels the country).
My own D was smart enough to do medicine (I’m science minded myself). She loved art. As a parent it’s hard to see the career paths that an artist may take. D has a great job and loves it. It’s no small thing to love what you are doing on a daily basis.
Brains and art can be a great combo! I don’t know what opportunity the “art company” offered you. Is it still available or can you talk with someone there for a new perspective?
Start your research–look up websites of companies that do art. Find the jobs that interest you. How do you get from here to there? Find what’s available–salaries, job opportunities, job requirements, locations. Where did job applicants go to school? Is art school needed?<br>
Share the info with your parents. Be realistic with yourself about career opportunities in art. It is very competitive (unless you’re doing your own thing). If you do “your own thing” take business classes (which is good no matter what you do!) You will have to be very proactive in a job search (these days that applies to everyone!)<br>
One more piece of advice. Get a book on careers–go through it. Google it! See the available careers out there and their requirements. It may be art isn’t what you want in the end as a career (it may be a great hobby for you–I don’t know). There are lots of jobs that require science degrees besides being a doctor.
Now quit crying and get to work! Good luck!</p>

15

<p>What Siliconvalleymom is saying is very important. You may also want to get help from any mental health services your college provides. They deal with situations like yours all of the time.</p>

<p>Here’s the big thing, however. You are an adult. You have been since you were 18 and have really not grown up in terms of independence. So it is with many of our college students. It’s a a bipolar type existance of being a child and yet and adult. Young people your age are fighting wars, raising families, totally independent. You are still calling mom and dad when you are feeling down. </p>

<p>The truth of the matter is that your parents are at loss as to any advice to give you. As such a parent myself for a number of my kids on a number of issues, I truly sympathize for them. They drew out a path for you and were willing to support you on it, but now that you are no longer on it, they are at loss as to what to say or do… This is exactly what they wanted to avoid. I’m not saying you were wrong to change your direction, but that when you did so, you really are on your own as your parents don’t know how to guide you on this way. You are an adult, so there is no reason they should have to do so. I wish that we parents could be more comforting, more honest and not blow up when these things happen, but it hurt when we can’t help our kids and feel that this was exactly what they tried to avoid for you, </p>

<p>Something that does amaze me about this generation is how dependent they are on parents. Most everyone I knew in college and even high school kept parents out of the loop when we had issues that we knew would only cause our parents pain and when they could not help. Sometimes we went too far. But, man oh man, the stuff parents are getting from their kids these days, mine included, boggles my mind. There are things that parents can specifically help you with and there are things they cannot. I wish kids had the wisdom to know the difference.</p>

16

<p>There is one thing parents can do…when my D decided on art (about which I knew zero and so felt panic) I did the research for her and myself to find out the career opportunities. It calmed my fears and only now do I realize how important that show of support was for my daughter.</p>

17

<p>It’s a cliche, I know, but take a big deep breath. You have not killed your future; it’s highly unlikely that you’ll spend any time living in a cardboard box; and I’d be willing to bet you haven’t ruined your relationship with your family. If you’ve wasted time in college, welcome to the club–I’d offer to teach you the secret handshake, but that’s not easily done in text.</p>

<p>What does your school offer in the way of counseling services? Many offer help with major and/or career choice. They should also be able to provide a live human to talk to, as opposed to an internet message board. It sounds to me like you need to spend some time getting to know yourself and what you want from your life.</p>

<p>I saw on your other thread that you’re considering religious studies. Is that from a purely intellectual point of view or are you a member of a faith community?</p>

18

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<p>The only people who think that a child “should” be pushed into being a doctor when he or she doesn’t have a desire or a passion for it are people who are immigrants / new to this country. Does that describe your parents?</p>

19

<p>OP,
You are still a very young adult, so this is the time to feel a bit ungrounded as to what your choices (major, career, life style) are going to be amidst the myriad of choices in the adult world. However, this “not knowing” can be severely unnerving, especially after k-12 following the set curriculum, with just some choices of classes and ECs. This is a scary and exciting time in your life, a time to decide who you are and who you want to become. </p>

<p>I second the suggestions of seeking out your counseling center first, especially since you do not have your parents support right now with regard to your self-discovery. (I’m not saying that they do not love you or that you do not have any support from them…just that this is unnerving to them too.) You need support from a live human; you need to feel that your questioning of your major does not undermine or define your self worth. This is the most important task you face, just learning to accept and love the person you are right now, to value your essential worthiness and not tie it to your career path.</p>

<p>You also do need to do well in your classes, so that gpa does not complicate your current quest.</p>

<p>Then, once you are feeling a bit more settled, go in to your career center and ask for career counseling in the form of interest inventories and the types of professional testing that can be done to help people figure out their aptitudes and interests in a very concerted manner, as well as to locate which careers seem to coalesce with those interests and aptitudes. Explore those careers, read about them, ask for alumni names and do some phone informational interviewing, begin to figure out what seems most interesting and also most viable. It is fine to have plans a, b, and c… or d. Health sciences, and narrow down the possibilities. Research science, and again looking at possibilities… Arts-- fine arts vs. many applied design fields. But, this is research of a longer term. </p>

<p>People ought to be doing this at your age, not only to o choose a major if they don’t have one but more importantly to begin to get a sense of how their interests fit with end points. It may take you little by little the next year or two to figure this out… and that is, you will figure out first the major and then the next steps-- internships, employment after college vs. grad school. You will be in a better place than many students who feel they have finished the task with just choosing the major! But, you may likely still leave college with several career options of interest to you if you are a person with multiple talents! That’s ok and even good, because many people change careers during their lives.</p>

<p>I understand your parents wanting you to have a more certain career path, but you are young. You are figuring it out. Figuring out your major is not the key thing here, though eventually a choice will need to be made. </p>

<p>Wishing you the best! Please let us know how you do! ( And thank you for (indirectly) reminding me to refrain from voicing judgment of my own sophomore d’s meanderings-- and yes-- she too keeps changing her mind about major and career, also a very successful student k-12…) Hugs!</p>

20

<p>Since my son’s college search process ended with a THUD! from my perspective a few weeks ago, I, as a 50-something-year-old parent, have sometimes felt like crawling into bed and crying all day. </p>

<p>In my case, it’s because I watched my son work diligently for 18 years – discovering interests and growing his talents – and for the past four years we’ve been working together toward this six month period of filling out applications and going to auditions and waiting for replies, and trying to figure out the money part . . . and I feel like I let HIM down.</p>

<p>He’s made a fine choice for a school, but because the financial burden of college has increased so rapidly over four years, and the country’s economy and prospects for jobs has soured so much over the same period, the choice he/we make now in terms of his loans and the cost of his college could burden him until he is my current age.</p>

<p>But he – like you – has a lot of time to shift gears – change majors – change colleges, if necessary. Or take six or eight years instead of four years to finish – while experiencing other things.</p>

<p>I have to work out things differently, because I have a different perspective on this process.</p>

<p>Time heals, in many cases. But especially if everyone is honest and upfront about their fears and feelings and concerns.</p>