From a parent's point of view?

Parents Forum
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<p>I just have to tell you about a college friend of mine (time-frame, late 1970’s). His parents would only pay for college if he was pre-med. He hated it and dropped out half-way through his Junior year (he lived on the couch in my dorm room for the second semester of his Junior year). He got a job managing a rock band and discovered he had an aptitude for business. After about 3 years with the band he went back to college (at another school), got an accounting degree and then his CPA. He worked for one of the (then) Big 8 accounting firms, got his MBA, and now runs his own successful medical software company with a doctor friend from his original college (who obviously did complete med school). So sometimes it can take a while to figure things out and you have to do what you think may be right for you, rather than what your parents want you to do. Oh, and his parents are now very proud of him, although it took a little bit of time for them to come around.</p>

<p>Also, I strongly agree with the suggestions made above for you to seek out counseling for both your emotional health and your major/career possibilities. You are not alone!</p>

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<p>The only think I could add to this is that one of my sons continued on in a major that appeared to be geared toward his strengths, and his strengths seemed to be very obvious early on. He did very well in that particular major and in fact made deans list every semester. Two years later we received a phone call and he expressed just how unhappy he was and he went on to tell us that he wanted to pursue a professional school after graduating college. Fast forward he changed majors and is gapping for the next year or possibly two, and will be employed in a facinating job. He plans on persuing his passion when he is ready to be done with this job. The gap time may or may not materilize into a new opportunity but only time will tell.
The bottom line is you must follow your own path, because as I have told my kids you can’t please your parents because we will not be here when you are our age, and the thing we want most is to see you happy and fulfilled in your personal life and career. Your mom and dad will not be the ones going to work and doing a job that does not make them happy…you will. It sounds like you kind of have an idea of what you would enjoy but you also sound like you are afraid to take a gap year or two right now, to discover if it is what you want. I think gap years are a gift for many students and this is the time of your life that it could be done. People can’t gap at 35 or 40 because they have obligations to family. Take the time to discover what you want. Your parents might find your decision to do so mature and rational given the high price of tuition and your inability to decide right now. Good luck and remember that this is a hard time for more kids than you realize…you are stuck making decisions about a future at such a young age…these decisions can seem so daunting but in reality most people do not even work in jobs that they majored in. In a couple more years things will seem so much easier to handle. It is not worth feeling bad about.</p>

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<p>A lot of us go through what you are, OP, and it hurts like crazy, and makes you go there. Get help from your mental health center on campus, as I said before, because this is a common problem.</p>

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<p>Computer science is actually one of the majors with the best job and career prospects at the bachelor’s level. Those who also have an art interest may find jobs and careers in computer user interfaces, graphics, and animation to be interesting, but still have the ability to go into other types of computer science jobs if the dream jobs do not pan out.</p>

<p>In contrast, biology is one of the poorest majors in job and career prospects at the bachelor’s level, because so many students major in it for pre-med, but the vast majority of pre-med students never get into medical school (and some who do find it to be too expensive to attend), so they flood the market for low paying lab technician jobs and the like. Also, the pre-med courses can be taken around any major; majoring in biology is not required to apply to medical school.</p>

<p>Take a look at <a href=“http://talk.collegeconfidential.com/internships-careers-employment/1121619-university-graduate-career-surveys.html[/url]”>http://talk.collegeconfidential.com/internships-careers-employment/1121619-university-graduate-career-surveys.html&lt;/a&gt; .</p>

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<p>Oh, wow. Thank you so much for being so helpful, everyone! I was surprised to see how many people posted such valuable insight. I sincerely appreciate it!</p>

<p>I don’t think I can reply to everybody individually, but I really do feel thankful for everything.</p>

<p>Reading from other parents’ perspectives, I guess I can now sort of understand where my parents were getting at. And one of the posts that really stood out to me was “cptofthehouse” saying how my generation of kids seem to be more dependent on their parents. I’d have to sadly agree. I guess I’ll have to take this in as a positive opprotunity to grow up and change. I hate to admit it, but I’m one of those who tell their parents everything…but I’ll try to deal with my own problems now; better like an “adult” :)</p>

<p>midmo: I’m actually concerned about the opposite–what would happen if they were to have found this post online…!</p>

<p>SteveC: Yes, I’ve sort of considered changing my major to Religious Studies, and maybe go study into Law School or something. This would be from a purely intellectal point of view, since I grew up detached from any faith community. I find religion/thought to be really interesting, so maybe Religious Studies, maybe philosophy–but again, just a consideration at the point!</p>

<p>Pizzagirl: ironically–yes. My parents are immigrants. My father wanted to be a doctor, but his dreams for this developed late so I guess he sort of wanted me to follow his dreams. Or something of that matter?</p>

<p>And thank you ucbalumnus! I’ll check out the surveys right now!</p>

<p>And once again, thank you everybody so much. I feel a lot much better now. As for people’s concern about my mental health–I think I’m much better now after reading everybody’s posts. The fact that everything I thought I lived for suddenly being gone just sort of hit me hard. I’ll be fine though.</p>

<p>Thank you so much everyone!
I can’t thank everybody enough! You guys really saved my life :)</p>

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<p>I actually do disagree with this. I know plenty of white, upperclass parents from my kids´school who “gently push” their kids into medicine. Immigrant parents are more in your face. The locals are just as controlling, but they do it with more finess. They make their kids think it´s their decision about everything, but the truth is every night when their kids go to sleep they play these inspriational tapes to help their kids make the right choice in the morning.</p>

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<p>I didn’t read all the posts, so this may have already been said. My advice would be to:</p>

<p>definitely plan on an MA degree, </p>

<p>keep doing your art - make it a real discipline in your life & carve out some time each day for it, </p>

<p>get some career advice one way or the other (school career office, books, internet),</p>

<p>definitely take art history (to broaden your education & for credibility in the field),</p>

<p>try to get some type of internship through your school (museum, graphic identity design, texture creation in gaming, lots of possibilities!) - make those connections as is possible!,</p>

<p>keep your antennae out - this field is not as cut & dried as medicine - you will just have to accept that, and live with the relative uncertainty of it.</p>

<p>I would also suggest that you put all the emotion having to do with your parents into a little mental suitcase that can be closed :wink: and (best advice coming here, although it sounds very mundane): keep putting one foot in front of the other. You will get somewhere. (You will be satisfied with your career, self-sufficient, and your parents will probably be happy with you - they just don’t have a clue where you would go in the art field - that part will be up to you to figure out.</p>

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<p>I’ll chime in because the whole “I’m a doctor but I really don’t want to be” was something I witnessed first hand with my husband, who also told me of others who went down the same path. Generally speaking, doctors who strongly dislike their job become druggies. It happened big time with my husband (he has since passed away due to his drug issues), and it happens with others. Please don’t go down this road unless you are a people person committed to listening to problems and have a dedicated desire to help others. Some are cut from the cloth that can do this well and happily. Others, like my husband, are not, but feel compelled to stay in this profession to pay off student loans.</p>

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<p>I know many doctors who are getting out of the profession because with rising insurance costs and the micromanaging of the insurance industry they just don’t enjoy their profession anymore.</p>

<p>I know a young Yale med school educated surgeon who doesn’t think his salary is enough to compensate for how much schooling he needed.</p>

<p>None of this would matter if you truly had a passion for medicine, but since you don’t, you are making a wise decision.</p>

<p>I always think people excel in fields that inspire them.</p>

<p>My family wanted me to be lawyer and couldn’t understand why I got a PhD in English instead. I have a tenured position as an English professor. My salary certainly doesn’t equal many lawyers, but many of my friends who became lawyers gave up practicing to accommodate motherhood, something I didn’t have to do.</p>

<p>I understand your parents reaction. We all want our kids to get the golden ticket, but there really are no golden tickets.</p>

<p>Keep at it. I hope things fall into place for you. Your parents will eventually come around.</p>

<p>And if you continue to have feelings of worthlessness and hopelessness, please do seek professional help.</p>

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<p>jdshopa, repeat after me:</p>

<p>I am not responsible for my parents’ happiness.
I am not responsible for my parents’ happiness.
I am not responsible for my parents’ happiness.</p>

<p>Do what makes you happy. Your parents, who love you, will see you being happy and successful, and they will come around to being happy too.</p>

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<p>jdshopa, I just want to reach through cyberspace and hug you. Yes, you are not responsible for your parents’ happiness, and yes, they do love you, sometimes parents just misbehave. You sound like a wonderful person. If you keep feeling down, get professional help.</p>

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<p>jdshopa, I wish I were there to give you a hug. From your post it is obvious that you are an articulate, intelligent, sensitive young woman. A daughter such as yourself would make any parent proud. I am sorry that you had such a blow-up with your own parents. I am sure they wish they had handled it differently. Sometimes parents react in such a way that doesn’t show their love or compassion.</p>

<p>That being said, you have done nothing wrong. I really feel that you have displayed great strength. You know you do not want to be a doctor, and the field you thought you were interested in has not turned out the way you had hoped. What maturity to be able to say you are still searching. And guess what? You should be…you are only nineteen years old! There is no law saying that you need to know exactly what you want to do at this point. You may not know that for a while. Make the most of your undergraduate years and pick a major that interests you. That doesn’t mean that you are married to it forever. I graduated as an English major and got a job in an investment bank right out of college. Granted, that was twenty-three years ago…but stranger things have happened. My point is don’t limit yourself.</p>

<p>I intend to get off of my soapbox shortly, but I want to say two more things. It is your life. Hopefully your parents will come around to your way of thinking, but either way you must act on the things that make you happy. They love you and want you to be happy. Right now they may not understand your choices, but they are your choices. You must live the life you want and derive happiness from it because that is what is important. Living a life for someone else will only lead to heartache.</p>

<p>Finally, any parent would be proud to have you as a daughter. You are a lot stronger than you think! Please do seek some counseling at your school because many others have been in your shoes and you should not feel isolated. You are not alone. I care about you. I know that one day you will look back on this and see it as a bump on the map of your life. It very well may turn out to be a defining moment…and you will rise to the occasion. Big hug and lots of luck!</p>

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<p>yep…look at my pseudonym. I have come to embrace my fears rather than run away and your mom may get here too. </p>

<p>I am the mom of a boy who is doing art/computer animation and it has been painful to hold back from saying “what? are you nuts? do you plan to starve?” Yes, I also confess I am an immigrant and so is my husband and we are both PhDs and where the hell did this love of art come from? is a question that we ask ourselves repeatedly. We are both proud and frightened of his determination to pursue art and, frankly, his artistic “voice” is a little weird…it would be easier if he would paint landscapes or bowls of fruit or design LLadro style sculptures…we could see the commercial potential. Instead, his inventions/art creations are fantastic, bizarre and disturbing but oddly compelling. We are told he has talent…I have no idea. I don’t think he cares. He has wanted this since he was a tiny boy–he wants to create things that engage/entertain/awe/terrify/sadden/uplift other people–he once came home grabbed his sketch pad like he was starving and said “I NEED to draw” and that sort of sums up who he is. </p>

<p>We closed our eyes, apologized to his grandparents, wrote the tuition check and he seems to be thriving at his art school of choice. One thing that has surprised me and helped me feel less anxious about his future is that art education today can provide a student with a huge number of skills–in one year my son has learned basic welding, carpentry, sewing, film editing, sound editing, animation, computer programming, drawing, drafting, set design, as well as art history, writing, …ok, his grandpa pointed out that at least with the welding he can go into plumbing if the art thing doesn’t pan out! </p>

<p>In all seriousness, an art degree mixed with some solid academics in liberal arts can be the foundation for a continous learner --a flexible, creative, smart and curious person who, hopefully, will be able to live via his art but also should be able to adapt and pick up new skills in an alternative field if that is necessary. Now if he were doing premed, I agree I would be less worried about his long term financial security but what would that do to the soul of an artist? We did ask the following of him…please take advantage of your university to pursue a minor or second major that can enhance your art but also provide you with a back up plan…so he is doing sculpture and animation with a minor in robotics (moving sculptures, ya know?). It seemed odd to us at first but he has been persuasive in showing us why it is the perfect combination for him</p>

<p>OP you may be interested in some of the very new animation and computer learning systems that Johns Hopkins and Carnegie Mellon are developing for training medical doctors. My son says they are making animatronics so that doctors can practice operating on them (sort of like the operation game but a wee bit more sophisticated?). Don;t throw the biology and science out with the bathwater quite yet there may be a perfect combination that will fire your mind and soul…</p>

<p>OP I am only slightly further along than your parents in the 5 stages of grief in having an artistic child…be patient and understanding. Of course I still think S would have made an excellent engineer, computer programmer or physicist! Sometimes I sigh and think of the Nobel prize that he is passing up…but…life goes on. Your parents probably have pretty strong ideas about your skills and aptitudes. The hard part is convincing them that you may be all that they say you are but you also might be a more interesting and complete person because you had the chance to follow your artistic instincts also. </p>

<p>Good luck!</p>

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<p>OP, something very similar happened to me when I was in college! My real passion and talent were in humanities fields, but I was also reasonably good at/interested in sciences and in school generally. My parents strongly encouraged me to be premed. They had both grown up in poverty and had worked very hard to send their children to college. They saw college as a golden ticket to an interesting, high-paying profession. I embarked on a major in biochemistry, and did fine gradewise, but felt more and more unhappy as I got deeper into my major in my junior year, and was no longer able to use my college’s distribution requirements to get my “fix” in the subjects that profoundly interested me. I could also tell the difference between getting a decent grade in an undergraduate course, and having serious talent for a subject, because I had friends who, unlike me, were really brilliant in the sciences and in math. After much internal turmoil, I changed my major to English. I knew immediately I had made the right choice. My parents, though, were VERY upset, my dad especially. To them, it seemed as if I was throwing away my opportunities with both hands. And in a way, they were right about the job situation, generalized over a whole population. It IS much harder, everything being equal, to get a well-paying job in a humanities or arts field than it is as a doctor. However, everything is never equal. My parents simply were NOT right about my particular case, because finally I was doing something I was really good at, and didn’t mind pouring time and thought into my work.</p>

<p>I got a fellowship to grad school, got a PhD, and then a job as a professor at an Ivy League university. After about six or seven years of virtual noncommunication, my father finally started to talk to me again and we slowly repaired our relationship.</p>

<p>Two things helped me. First, I talked to my undergraduate professors frankly and extensively about career prospects. I didn’t just randomly pick a major, but I did try to get clear in my mind about how my college major would relate to my career plans (however impractical those seemed). If you are not interested in an academic career, your professors might be of limited help, so you should go to your university’s career center to find out about your options. Second, I got to know people who had made careers in the arts and humanities. My husband’s parents, for instance, were both professional musicians. They did not make a lot of money but they led fulfilling lives. They introduced me to a less “nervous” attitude toward money and career security than I had imbibed from my own family.</p>

<p>Good luck!</p>

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<p>loopyloo: Oh gosh, I’m really sorry about your loss. But that’s what I’m afraid may happen to me too. Don’t get me wrong, I love helping people and all that but I don’t think I’m cut out to be a doctor. I just can’t imagine myself stuck with doing something I have no passion or interest for.</p>

<p>mythmom: First off–congrats! My brother is working to become a professor as well, so he’s always telling me that once you get tenured, you’re pretty safe. So congrats!</p>

<p>mihcal1: I think I’ll keep a sticky note of that on my monitor. Thanks ;)</p>

<p>megdog: Aww, thank you! And I’m feeling much better thanks to everyone here. I feel so loved :smiley: haha.</p>

<p>CarpeDiemAlways: I guess it’s the constant pressure from parents and relatives that always get to me. They keep asking what I’m going to be doing after graduation, and I haven’t the slightest clue.</p>

<p>“Living a life for someone else will only lead to heartache.”</p>

<p>I agree with that completely now, because I see no way of making both my parents and myself happy at this point. I just wish they didn’t imagine me to grow up as an apple tree when I really just want to be an orange tree (so to speak! :wink: ) Like your username says–I sure will!</p>

<p>fineartsmajormom: Wow, your son is pretty lucky for having such understanding parents. Not all parents would be so willing to let their kid venture off to art school (and I speak from experience). But I guess I do have to cut my parents some slack, since like you seem to imply, you just want some sense of assurance that your kid’s going to be fine out there. I haven’t talked to my parents yet, but I won’t hold a grudge. You’re probably right; they probably just said all those things 'cause they’re just worried. :)</p>

<p>jingle: Thank you so much for your insight! That makes me feel so much better. I’m sorry about the relationship between you and your father, but that’s good that you two are talking to each other again!</p>

<p>Unfortunately, my university career center actually rerouted me to my college advising department claiming that they don’t deal with my kind of problem (despite what was said on their website). I also had the unfortunate experience of being stuck with a very impassionate college adviser who seemed quite impatient to get me out of her office, so she wasn’t of any help. But I’m doing research on my own to see which major/career would be best for me, so I’m positive I’ll find something by the end of next week :)</p>

<p>Lastly–its interesting how you mention your husband’s parents since it sort of reminds me of my old high school friend’s parents. They weren’t musicians, but they graduated as liberal arts majors (or something of the sort) and they were much more relaxed than how my parents would have been when she said she wanted to get into Game Design. She’s doing really well right now.</p>

<p>Once again, thank you so much everybody overall! :slight_smile:
I feel way less nervous about “ruining” my future ;)</p>

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<p>OP - you might benefit from reading my own personal self-help bible - How to Stubbornly Refuse to Make Yourself Miserable About Absolutely Anything, Yes Anything by Albert Ellis (considered by most the grandfather of Cognitive psychology).</p>

<p>Whether or not your parents love you and are pleased with you, you must live a genuine life and be true to your desires if you want to create your own happiness. You can’t MAKE them love you or support you - that’s entirely their decision. Having worked so hard for so many years to please them in an effort to sway their decision and garner their love, you will be at a disadvantage trying to decifer exactly what it is that you truly want. Enjoy these college years of exploration. There are many majors in which you can apply art. You may even find something completely different that strikes your fancy. </p>

<p>Regardless, I have to agree with carpediem, only YOU can create your own personal happiness just as only your mom can choose whether she will be happy or not and only your dad can decide whether he will choose happiness or anger.</p>

<p>It sucks and it’s not fair that your parents are not 100% supportive of you, but it is their choice and not a reflection of who you are. Would be preferential if they gave you unconditional positive support, but it doesn’t look like that will happen in the near future and you can’t control their emotions to make it happen. So, work with what you DO have control over - your thoughts and your emotions.</p>

<p>Best of luck to you. It might take months or years of practice to begin to recognize the amazing control you have over your emotions.</p>

<p>“Life is what you make of it. Always has been, always will be” - Grandma Moses
“No one can make you feel inferior without your consent” - Eleanor Roosevelt</p>

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It sounds like you are not sure yourself about this field and your crying is not just about pleasing your parents.</p>

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<p>Have you looked at medical illustration?</p>