Please tell me what they are thinking...

Parents Forum
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<p>Okay, so I know that no one can actually tell me what my parents are thinking, but I desperately need to vent somewhere. I will try not to write a book, but I will give some background.</p>

<p>My whole life, up until a few years ago, evolved around the arts - primarily drawing and the fine arts, but I also became quite interested in graphic and web design. This was unsettling for my parents since they didn't believe I would find a job to support myself if I went to college for art. Well, lucky for them, I fell in love with my psychology courses one semester into college and became a psychology major without any regrets. I now have my bachelor's degree (as of Dec. 2010). </p>

<p>I found a job immediately as a sales lead (lower management) at a department store, which I consider myself to be pretty darn lucky to have gotten. The pay was okay. Two months ago I applied for and received the human resources position at the same store and got a raise. Still not much considering my student loan debt and other bills, but I am in a significantly better position than many of my peers and paying all of my bills except car insurance, but I am also still living at home. I can only save roughly $200-300 per month, so the chances of me moving out anytime soon are nonexistent.</p>

<p>The plan has been to apply to doctorate programs since my sophomore year of college. Due to a number of physical health issues over the past few months, as well as a bit of a mental breakdown - anxiety attacks and severe depression, which I had "overcome" for the past few years after dealing with them through all of middle and high school - I have decided to wait until next year to apply to graduate schools. I am looking at marketing programs in consumer behavior, and possibly still applying to some social psychology programs.</p>

<p>Now, I paid for all of my own schooling with student loans because my parents do not support higher education beyond perhaps community college or trade school. My dad has been listening to a lot of those conservative talk shows - I know at least one is Rush Limbaugh - that are feeding him the notion that education is meaningless and that you can get to where you want to go without the high costs. He's also been sending me blog articles about what a waste graduate school is. Personally, I think he is somewhat envious that I am doing the things HE wanted to do 25-30 years ago, but his parents hadn't helped him either so he dropped out of college. My mom is an LPN and doesn't see the point in a well-rounded education, that I should only take classes related to my major and only study fields that will get me a good job immediately. </p>

<p>Now, I agree that college is not for everyone and that some very successful people got their success without it. I am not bashing conservatives or even what they are saying on those talk/radio shows. But I am an academic. I truly LOVE school. I cannot wait to go to graduate school (assuming I'm accepted somewhere), and I have always been very successful in school. In all honesty, it is all I have. I'm overly shy/anxious/socially unskilled, and so I have no friends at all, currently no boyfriend, and I hate my job. I cannot handle working in a store that does illegal and unethical things and sweeps them under the rug with such grace. If this were to end up being my career because I didn't go to grad school...well, I honestly don't think I have anything at all to look forward to anymore in my life. But I don't want to get into that subject.</p>

<p>So today my mom made a comment that I should have stuck with art because she heard of ONE person who's daughter got a great job. Okay, so they talked down about art when I was looking at that, and now I've poured out a ton of time and money on another field, and now they're telling me art would have been better. That is frustrating. I think a lot of it has to do with them not wanting me to go to grad school. My dad told me college "ruined" me because I am a bit liberal on some issues and disagree with him on a lot of things, but I generally do not bring up those topics. My mom I think is afraid of me moving away, even though I am applying to at least 2 or 3 schools within 2 hours of home. </p>

<p>I am the only "academic" person in my family; most did not attend college or only took some courses at a community college. Which is fine. But to be talked down about because I'm going after something else - because I love it, not because I think I'm better or that I need it to prove anything - I am really tired of it. They are unhappy with the job I got with my degree (the HR position I have) even though I knew and told them the prospects weren't good until I continued my education (and now they're trying to talk me out of continuing it). I think the fact that they make more money with no college degrees makes them think even less of getting an education, and they can't seem to realize that the times have changed. They know I am pathetically unhappy, but they don't care. They think I should pursue jobs I do not want and be miserable - but financially well off. I don't have that perspective. </p>

<p>I guess it is even more depressing to come on to this site and see all of you posting for suggestions to help your kids, offer them advice, talking about the way you are scraping by to help them pay for their education. I think it's wonderful that you all do that. I just wish I had anyone in my life who cared a fraction as much. </p>

<p>So now I'm sounding pitiful, and I believe I ended up writing a mini novel anyway, so I will stop at this point. I am venting more than I am asking for advice, but opinions are welcome. At least I was able to vent about it somewhere, even though I don't know what I'm really expecting as far as comments.</p>

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<p>That looks so much longer than I had expected it to be. I’ll be amazed if anyone responds.</p>

<p>I also just thought I’d throw out some more information to give you insights into what my parents are thinking. In elementary school they were asked to allow me into a gifted program - they said no - so then the administrators discussed moving me up a grade - and they said no. I am fine with that since I saw how the other “gifted” guy turned out (God complex). But I found out about this from my cousin, and they lied about it for a few years and then one day brought it up. So I understand if they’re afraid I’ll think I’m better than the rest of the family. But I don’t have that type of attitude now and they’re still acting like this. </p>

<p>I was valedictorian of my high school and they talked me out of applying to 4-year colleges right away, so I went to community college first. Which was fine. But I may have gotten some good scholarships as valedictorian - I had excellent recommendations and ECs and all that - so going to CC first may have resulted in far more debt in the long run than I needed to have. Quite depressing, but I never brought that point up to them.</p>

<p>There are lots of other things they’ve done to try and “stunt” me I guess. I just thought I’d add some of those examples in for clarification.</p>

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<p>Synopsis. Anyone. Please.</p>

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<p>NovaLynnx: You are an adult now, with a college degree, and need to leave behind the emotional baggage you are carrying around about how your parents did not properly nurture your academic or artistic interests. Go out and pursue your dreams. You are not asking your parents for money, so just let their opinions go in one ear and out the other. I’m sure that they have your best interests at heart but they can’t live your life for you, you have to do that. Stop wallowing in self pity and focus on the positive and what you have accomplished so far. You can’t change your parents views so stop trying.</p>

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<p>I’m not trying to change them, just to understand them. And yes, I am dependent on them financially for a place to live. </p>

<p>I also want to add that the anxiety attacks and depression are not from my parents’ views, they are from other health problems and are things I’ve dealt with most of my life. </p>

<p>Honestly, I think if I get into graduate school, I will never see or speak to them again. We have no relationship at all. All they do is make me feel like a failure every moment we are together. I guess venting it all out and seeing people’s comments will help me decide whether I even want them in my life anymore. There is no caring in this family. I guess it’s a last resort to try to understand their perspective to try to save some kind of relationship?</p>

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<p>If there is no caring, then why do they allow you to live there at no cost? </p>

<p>I’m not defending them, only questioning your underlying assumption.</p>

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<p>PM’ing you</p>

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<p>If it were up to my dad, I probably would have been out a long time ago.</p>

<p>My mom worries a lot about “what will the family think?” </p>

<p>Yes, I know that deep, deep down, they (or at least my mom) do love me, but how they make me feel is the total opposite. My dad calls me an idiot every chance he gets. He just called me a “scumbag” kid the other day because I explained to my mom that his new phone has a $30 data plan because she didn’t know why the bill went up. When it comes to talking about my depression and suicidal thoughts, she’s told me to “just get over it.”</p>

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<p>Somehow your parents have missed the transition from parenting a child to having a relationship with an adult family member (although name-calling should be out at either stage, imho). Although you’re living with your parents temporarily, as many new grads are, you obviously don’t need or want their input on career decisions that only you can make. It’s pretty clear that, unless you can avoid the topic altogether, your only choice is to figure out a way to distance yourself emotionally and/or literally. </p>

<p>If this is really important to you then you’ll do it for yourself, regardless of what your parents think. So, figure out if you can trim anything out of your budget and get your own place - even if it’s just a room for rent or maybe with a relative who has space - or apply to grad schools for next year. If your student loan payments are too high can you apply for IBR? Is your car more expensive than you can really afford? Your cell phone, clothing, meals, entertainment? You get the picture. I think you’ll feel much better once you’ve committed to a timeline and are taking some action on your future plans.</p>

<p>Meanwhile, if you’re not currently seeing a therapist, I think that’s something you should consider doing immediately…you’re a grown up and do not have to “share” everything with the parents, but please do it for yourself! As you well know, depression and anxiety are treatable illnesses and there is no percentage in suffering needlessly.</p>

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<p>Okay. Know you said this is partly about venting. But, to make progress away from any mess, we have to start with, as the expression goes, baby steps. Which of these issues is of first priority- the emotional or the grad school or the part about the grown-up kid not getting along with the parents on whom he/she depends for at least a roof?</p>

<p>Seems to me that (my philosophy, ok?) depression/anxiety and conflict management come first- they affect quality of life and ability to function and trump questions about grad school. Please get counseling- it’s for you.</p>

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<p>I’m not sure how the IBR would work because I have several different private loans, as well as Staffords but they are still in deferment due to my income. Each lender does not consider the other loans I have when looking at payment options. I’ve actually looked at trying to consolidate some of them but the only place I found that is offering that requires a co-signer. Many other banks that I’m familiar with will not offer consolidation loans at this time for private loans.</p>

<p>I haven’t shared my personal problems (other than the physical health problems I have going on) with my parents in quite some time. My mom had said that to me a few years ago, so I wouldn’t dare share with them that I’m feeling that way again. I would like to see someone, but the costs are just not what I can do right now. </p>

<p>Thank you for your responses. I am working on some changes right now, but I don’t think I’ll be able to move out until I’m back in school and my loans go back into deferment. Most of the time I can avoid my parents - my mom works a middle shift and my dad is usually up in his room and doesn’t really talk to me. It’s just that when we do “collide” with one another, things do not stay pleasant for long and I am dealing with more than enough without having that tacked on.</p>

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<p>Yes, as a psych major, you must know that counseling is the next step here. One-- it will help you sort this out. Two, it will help you progress in your field! Your parents have self esteem and anxiety issues that they are foisting on you,and have been all your life. You’ve done a great job so far but I think it’s hard for any adult living under the parents’ roof (heck its hard for anyone at all). You’ve got so much going for you-- art, academics, a good job in a horrible economy…find some smart therapist to help talk you through the next steps, and keep the discouraging influences from affecting you too much. It will help you in so many ways-- and that will be a great thing for your parents too.</p>

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<p>If you can’t pay on your loans now, will you be adding to this debt with grad school? Deferring increases the total cost over time.</p>