It’s so interesting that a lot of people want no service of any kind - definitely see this as a trend.
I would actually like a very small, private service (immediate family only). I am a member of the Episcopal church and would like to have some sort of blessing after I am gone. If I have to choose a song I prefer “Wonderful World” or “He Ain’t Heavy, He’s My Brother”. That’s my final message.
My family knows that I wish to be cremated. And (I am totally serious about this!) I want my ashes spread on Central Park West. I am aware that this is most likely illegal. I do have some people (my sister,a cousin, my college roommate, a close friend) who have agreed to do this. My husband and kids think I’m nuts.
I agree that it depends on the situation. Although my family doesn’t care for funerals, we had a memorial gathering for my youngest brother. He died unexpectedly in his mid-40’s, and family & friends needed a measure of closure. But with my parents & older brother, we had gone through illness & said our goodbyes when they were alive. My in laws always wanted big funerals, with everyone from church, but my FIL’s passing was difficult. MIL enjoyed the very small Covid service we had & opted not to do anything more later. Everyone is different, and every situation is different. I might express preferences, but it’s the ones I leave behind who ultimately will choose. I think that giving them permission not to make a fuss will be helpful, no matter what they choose.
@busdriver11 , I never heard of terramation and now want to learn more. Thank you for mentioning it.
H and I have discussed cremation, which he’s fine with but for some reason it bothers me. I just have a silly fear of not really being dead before I’m broiled. It’s absurd, I know. I told him to do whatever is easiest on him.
Neither of us wants a formal funeral. H would appreciate an Irish wake with lots of good liquor and food, story sharing and laughter.
Just saw this and I think H will agree it’s the way he’d want to go. I grew up a huge fan of The Jetsons and was convinced as a child that my adult life would be exactly like theirs. This sounds far better to me than being planted under a rose bush or left on a shelf somewhere.
I live in the upper Midwest in a town and neighborhood with a strong sense of community. There are traditional folks around, but whether traditional or not, there are gatherings to honor those who have departed, if sometimes informal, at a community center or in a park shelter. Till I was in my 30s I had never attended a funeral or memorial service, as I grew up far from extended family and we didn’t fly out for such things 50 years ago. Now I have been to many, and appreciate the efforts to memorialize people and have helped plan a few events myself.
My kid’s dad passed away a few years ago, an anticipated death. He was predeceased by his parents a few years prior, and then last year a sister. No obits, no services, only cremation with some ashes to scatter. My ex and his family of origin were anti organized religion. Well understood. But my son has had a bit of a complicated grief reaction that he feels has been accentuated by the lack of any sort of ceremony or commemoration. I would certainly write an obit for him myself, and post something on his FB page but as the ex wife, not my place. His wife at the time of death perhaps was under instructions to do none of these things.
So…my kids have instructions for me, to have a memorial service, a place for ashes to be buried and an obit in the paper. Writing it is on my to do list as well as other instructions for time of death.
Regarding the body donation, my mom had that planned, but her death in the first month of pandemic was such a shock (not covid, but unexpected) that my sister just called the local place for cremation, and we were relieved that they handled many details, like notifying SS and facilitating an obit. We still haven’t had a service for some complicated family dynamic reasons.
@Silpat, here is some information about terramation. We went through a small place called Return Home, with little ceremony, but there are other places that are larger, where you can have a more traditional service. In our case, it was just three of us. We went inside, laid some roses around him, put one of his favorite carved pieces in his hand and letters and pictures from several family members in his vessel. It was private and perfect for us.
Next they add some organic material and heat the vessel to 130 degrees, let it stay there for two months, and then it will turn into fertile mulch. We can take some home with us (we’ll put some on two of his favorite hiking spots), and the rest will go to help a restore a contaminated site, with many other people.
No fear of cremation while you’re alive, or being buried alive. My mom couldn’t stand the thought of cremation, she said it seemed so harsh, and my dad was like a sweet toddler when he passed away.
Glad to hear you’re a fan of the Jetsons, my great aunt was the voice actor for Judy Jetson, which cracked me up, since she was rather elderly.
Funny, @BunsenBurner, I meant to have my dad’s terramation from the company you linked (as our family friend did), but somehow ended up with a smaller competitor accidentally, which was fine. I think this is going to be pretty popular.
I know that my daughter will want a place that she can visit. So likely a version of the traditional Jewish burial. No embalming, simple cotton shroud, plain pine box, or something else that is environmentally more friendly, or nothing (like they do in Israel - the body is put directly into the ground), and into the ground. Hopefully they will either have the new Israeli version of a cemetery which is into the walls of caves in the bedrock, or the old Jewish version which was not to leave much space around the grave except for the headstone (old Jewish cemeteries have headstones which are very crowded). I may even have my body buried in the same Jewish cemetery as my father and my grandparents, (my mother will be buried there as well).
I will, though, donate any parts of my body that can be used for a living person.
I feel that cremation is a huge waste of energy - we are 70% water, which has the highest specific heat of any liquid. We are not mostly being burnt, we are being evaporated. I cannot, in good conscience, as a conservationist, demand that amount of energy be wasted on my corpse.
My sciency Dad wanted to donate his body to the local med school, but at the end it was not acceptable; my very much not sciency mother was quite pleased to donate her body to the med school in honor of Dad. That was a super easy process and I have signed up for it myself.
Services are a local culture thing, I think. My parents had moved to my area in their failing years and knew very few people to have a service. My friends were all surprised I did not have a service when Mom died, but in addition to all the years of caring for her in my home, I would have had to plan and arrange that. I was exhausted and, in some ways it would have been lovely to have my friends with me, none of them knew her when she was herself. It would have been one more chore after many years of 100% responsibility. We did no service for either, though we did have everyone in the family stop at the same moment, no matter where in the world they were and toast my Dad with his favorite beverage, that was incredibly sweet and lovely for my Momma when the photos began to arrive and trickled in all day.
We did the whole traditional memorial shebang for MIL, pretty pricey, but exactly what she had wanted. It was a blessing that I had made posters of photos of her so the people at the old folks’ home would have a feel for who she’d been, as when she died, I was able to use all those photos for a slide show at her service.
I don’t want a traditional service either; I put in my will that I would prefer everyone do a wake or some type of celebration of life on a vacation, maybe somewhere warm with blue water. I actually wrote into my will “no flowers because you know I’m allergic to them.” We tried to write our will with the same humor and sarcasm we use in our everyday lives. I want to be cremated, but I don’t care what DD does with my ashes. It will be up to her, but I did write into the will that she can spread them into the lake or ocean if she’d like. My parents on the other hand, mom wants to be made into a diamond, and my dad wants to be a garden gnome holding a glass of cabernet. He asked that we keep him off the ground, so my dogs can’t pee on him
@FallGirl i like your sentiment. When my mom died, we had her cremains sent to Hawaii. Mim had always wanted to go there, and despite our urgings, she never went. The funeral home made all the arrangements with a funeral home on Maui. We got a lovely letter from them telling us where the cremains had been scattered.
My mom moved here about six months before she died. She really knew no one here except us. We had a little reception at our house which was attended by our friends so they could pay their respects to us. Finger foods, a nice photo display…nothing fancy, but it worked.
This thread is very interesting. I am not going to be cremated now that I’ve read about these more environmentally friendly options. I had never heard of at least two of these options until reading this. Can’t wait to discuss with hubby, haha.
I’m gonna be smug here now. All y’all making fun of me for starting a funeral thread, and see? Now we are all learning about different options and thinking of making changes that more reflect what we’d like.
In all seriousness/nonsmugness - this is what I love about this community. There is a wealth of knowledge here about all sorts of things. Yes, we sometimes squabble like litle kids, but overall, I find this community to be very supportive and helpful. I am thankful for it.
I have always felt like funerals and memorials are for the loved ones left behind. I certainly won’t care if I’m dead! I’m happy for my kids to do whatever they like.
I have been to many funerals and memorials where I didn’t know the deceased but knew the surviving family and wanted to support them.
I have also been to memorials that were many months later. It’s a nice way to do it if you want to have an outdoor gathering but the person dies in winter when the weather is bad. But a neighbor did one for her husband six months later indoors. I’m not sure why she didn’t do it right away but maybe just couldn’t deal with it at the time. (This was pre COVID)
I think a gathering is nice personally but I’m happy for my kids to do whatever they want. I will probably plan something so they don’t have to and then tell them they can follow the plan if they want or do something else or do nothing.
For me, when my parents died, it was super helpful that they had planned it all out in the 70s. We did have to pick a new casket because the style they picked was longer made but we just went with something that was close.
In the moments and days after a death of a loved one just being able to follow their directions is great.
Human composting is not available in every state. Colorado had it as a ballot issue (and I think it didn’t pass?) but the legislature pass it last year and now is available.
My father wanted a big deal made over his funeral and we did the best we could. He had a funeral at his church with the Knights of Columbus in full regalia (he was a Grand Knight) but it wasn’t like Princess Diana’s funeral. The other Knights are also 80+ years old and there is only so much pomp they can handle. Then he had a second service in MA where he is buried . That’s what he wanted. Several of his friends and his brother were able to be there because of course they are also 80+ years old and couldn’t travel to the funeral out of state. It worked for them all.
My mother just returned from the funeral of one of his fraternity brothers (who was at his service in MA). It was wonderful for her to see the remaining group, probably for the last time. These people have been her friends since she got married 68 years ago. She really enjoyed seeing them all. I do believe funerals are for the living.
My mom couldn’t stand the thought of cremation, she said it seemed so harsh, and my dad was like a sweet toddler when he passed away.
