Part of the reason I don’t want a funeral is that I think the funeral industry in general takes advantage monetarily of folks who are planning these events. The cost of even the most simple actual casket funeral, and burial is really quite high. For the amount this costs, I’d rather have a nice little reception.
I confess, I am also not one who goes to cemeteries to visit my departed relatives.
There are so many ways to honor the memory of someone who has died. Not sure spending many many thousands of dollars is something I want. I would rather see a donation to a worthy cause.
Told me daughter that it should be based entirely on HER needs. If she thinks it might be helpful for her to have a place to go/visit - then do THAT. But don’t do it out of a sense of obligation to “honor” someone, or to conform to societal pressure.
Maybe do a cremation and postpone any decision about “final disposition” until time brings clarity.
I agree with you, plus, we’re hardly materialistic in life, why would we suddenly want to be in death? Use the money to help the living and/or the planet. I also have a strong faith that the next world is better, so no particular attachment to this one even though I love exploring it and the other people in my circle with me on this journey.
I am in the funerals are for the living camp. Don’t care what happens after I am gone. If it helps someone deal, have at it. Different people grieve in different ways.
If it was up to me, I would prefer that people not decorate/maintain a stone in the ground or marble covered drawer. And absolutely no obligation to visit same. But if that provides comfort, have at it.
My mom is in a drawer. Hate going there. And unless forced, haven’t. Told my brother recently my goal is to go there one more time: for my dad’s funeral. After that, I would never go back. And I think about my mom all the time. And the few times I have visited the drawer my thoughts have been more when can I get out of here than about her.
Its odd to me that neither of my parents (to my knowledge) ever visited either of their parents’ graves. Can’t imagine they think their kids would be interested in visiting theirs. But they may have just done what is just expected (at least in their experience).
But I understand that some people find comfort visiting. Do what works for you.
We went to the cemetery all the time! We’d moved away from the area but when we went back off we went to the cemetery where my grandmother was buried (and now grandfather and father too).
And we heard the stories…
“Over there is where the Lords are buried. Died in the crash that killed most of the US figure skating team…”
“Sully. They told him to stop drinking or it would kill him. His grave stone says “this Bud’s for you.” Hahaha.” (yes, the Hahaha was always part of the story)
“Aunt Rita. Buried all by herself. She never liked kids.Hmff.”
My father loved it and now he’s there with all his friends. And Aunt Rita too.
Some of my sibs seem to find comfort or whatever in visiting my dad’s grave (he died 2 years ago). Personally, I don’t feel the need but will gather there with my sibs at least annually, to be with them. Same with my other relatives and H’s which have died.
@Htas OK…I can make you laugh. You know how kids do journals at school? Well…in first grade, our son brought his home from school…and we read it. The teacher commented on every single writing…except one.
It was written maybe in February, and said:
“In May, we are going to a special event. We are going to a funeral. Everyone in our family will be there. It will be fun”
Well…it was a special family event…but who plans those things months in advance and says they will be fun! It was actually my sister in law’s doctoral graduation that was the event. We copied the page and sent it to her.
So funny. Have you ever sent an email and then went back to re-read it finding a crazy spell check situation. We have a family chat and the spelling errors are often hilarious courtesy of spell check.
Funerals I’ve been to are generally a time to reconnect. Sure, we are varying degrees of sad and will miss the deceased but it IS nice to reconnect with loved ones.
Most of the HI services involve lots of food—a nice lunch for all attendees.
When we gather as an extended family in Mar/April to visit the graves of relatives together and pay our respects, it always ends with a nice lunch. The cousins are delighted to be together and we all enjoy one another’s company.
Likely is a matter of experience. Other than for a funeral or some historic site (and prior to my mom’s death 2+ years ago), I have never been to a cemetery. Meet often with relatives and exchange old stories (took my dad yesterday for a visit with an old and younger sister of his and many stories were shared). Food pretty much always a part of it (definitely was yesterday).
My mom made us plan our funerals after our dad died. (I was 19 at the time.) I hated it. I don’t think we looked at mom’s when she passed away. We did have a family friend do the service, chose her favorite songs, and had her cremated per her request.
I will say that my sibs and I had a lot of suppressed giggles over the various caskets - from the cardboard we chose, to the mahogany, to the wicker basket. Mom had a thing for baskets, but a cremation with one was just a bit too much.
I figure whoever is left can decide what to do. It’s all such a freaking waste of money.
It doesn’t have to be super expensive. I mean you do have to dispose of the body somehow, but donating to a med school is one way to lower the costs. Then if you want to have a memorial, you don’t have to shell out the big bucks. You could go to a favorite park or other site. Have a potluck if you want. There are plenty of ways to mark the occasion without shelling out big bucks.
I have been doing the genealogy for my family and my wife’s family, and it has changed my view of cemeteries. Headstones leave a lot of family information, especially Jewish ones which also have the name of the father, and often the mother. It also provides a sense of place and a sense of history.
For my father we have on his headstone exactly that, that he left behind a loving family, and a little visual inside joke that only the family understand, and will likely confuse everybody else, which would have made my father very happy. Well, it’s being made - supply chain issues in the materials.
That being said, the idea of spending a lot of money on a what goes into the ground makes no sense to me.
Although I am secular, I do appreciate the humanity behind the way many customs and traditions in traditional Jewish burial and mourning. From everything being plain and inexpensive, for the purpose of not being a burden, demonstrating that everybody equal at death, and because what a person does should be their monument. The funeral which always has the coffin carried to the grave, allowing people to pay their respects by accompanying the person on their last journey, and where the burial is a physical act, and participating in the burial is considered respectful to the dead.
Curious, does anyone else have special needs children; if so, how has it influenced your planning? We had to spell everything out and keep things “light” and focused on memories and celebration. Unfortunately once we pass, there most likely won’t be any close family members left to help with things like estate issues, funeral plans and grieving.
We have a couple who are good friends of ours with whom we sit on the beach often. Lots of philosophical talks and solving the world’s problems as we watch the sun set.
This topic came up, and it truly is fascinating how different people’s views are. We were specifically talking about what one does with ashes. The wife shuddered at the thought of hers being divided among her children. They need to be in an urn all together in the same spot in a columbarium. Her husband pointed out how they never go to the columbarium where her father’s ashes are. He said he wants to be scattered in the Gulf right where we sit for sunsets. That way the only effort for their kids to, “visit,” him is for them to just come to the beach. Any time they did they could think, “Dad’s right out there somewhere.”
We had to adjust our estate planning due to our disabled son. We have a family trust and an estate trust. If our son inherited anything directly, he would be disqualified for Medicaid and Social Security benefits.
You’re correct, though, we need to think about him when it comes to funeral plans. My dad asked him to be a pall bearer at Mom’s funeral. He said OK and I thought it was an honor for him. But too late, I realized it was very stressful for him. I will tell his siblings yo keep that in mind when the time comes.
I mentioned earlier in the thread that my H has never wanted to discuss funerals. Honestly, I think he has difficulty with death (of course we all do, but he has a hard time confronting it) - for both his parents he spent most of the time at the funeral home visitation at the back of the room with sweaty hands and awkwardness. He has been very hands off in terms of anything having to do with my mom’s recent death and hasn’t been willing to even go to her home since she died.
ANYWAY…last week we were doing a regular pup walk at a local park and part of the walk is a quick zigzag through a small cemetery. Because of this thread I took advantage of that moment in the cemetery to bring up post death plans. I told him what I preferred (cremation) and explained why and wanted to hear his thoughts on what he thinks is right for him. The answer? He changed the subject!!! I really think his answer is “I don’t want to think about it, let the kids decide”. Which is not ok (to me).
I guess all you can do is give someone the opportunity to have input but if they don’t those left behind have to make decisions and not worried about “what they would have wanted”!
There is a cemetery in the town that we grew up in and it so happens that now, both our sets of parents and my dad’s grandparents and an aunt and uncle are buried there. How often do we visit (even though we are in the town often)? - basically just when there is a new burial.