I participated in a few zoom celebrations of life. They were very meaningful and allowed people across the country and globe to share together.
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I also like the idea of live-streaming a funeral. It makes it so much easier for people who live long distance and have trouble traveling.
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My best friend’s dad died during 2029 and his service was via Zoom. Her mom died on December 26. Their church was still remote, so my friend decided to wait to hold a service until it could be in person. She didn’t want another Zoom service. It’s going to be on April 16, coincidentally when I’m in Austin to be with my dad after his surgery.
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I created a playlist in Spotify I told my wife about that I have gradually added songs to that can be played in the background during whatever “celebration of life” happens after I’m gone. So that I am effectively the DJ of my own funeral. That’s about it for planning though.
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Somehow I missed this thread. We have a funeral directive, but it only states that we wish to be cremated and whoever is left can make any further decisions as the deceased will not care (obviously). I do have a sneaking suspicion, though, that if I go first, DH and son will laugh as they listen to the Bee Gees and DH will play Billy Joel’s “You’re My Home” whenever he needs to feel close to me.
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My sister sees my mom in cardinals. Odd given that my mother pretty much hated animals of every kind. So we often text pictures of cardinals that we see to each other. I bought her an ornament with a cardinal on it for Christmas (she had Covid at the time so just left it at her front door).
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My 93 year old friend who died in Feb had every last detail planned - she asked certain friends to give speeches, picked the songs, wrote the obit. Her children have already disposed of some of the assets (farmland in Nebraska; getting ready to sell the house). I think she was a genius!
Another senior friend from this group (but only 84) had a heart attack in her home and they do not know how long she was waiting for help, probably 3 to 4 days as the reason they went into the home was because mail and packages were stacking up. She had no family living in town and everything has taken forever to organize by a niece long distance.
Please plan!
For my mother we are going to do everything just like my father’s funeral, right down to the florist and arrangement. She was very happy with everything and said she wants it just the same, so that’s what she gets.
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I had kind of avoided this thread. Honestly, haven’t thought that much about it yet. However, our long-term sitter died a year or so ago and there was nothing in accordance with her wishes. She was with my kids for about 20 years. While I shared some memories with one of her daughters, it made me sad not to be able to celebrate her life.
My father-in-law’s memorial service was one time when the entire family got together (kids, grandkids, spouses and great grandkids). while there are some weddings coming up, not everyone is going to attend. I really wonder if that will be the last time that the entire family (living on both coasts) is going to be together. Made me very thankful for the celebration of life that was held.
I guess I would want something for family and close friends to gather. That may change as I (hopefully) get older. I think celebrating the lives of those that have passed on is an important ritual of being human and of bringing loved ones together.
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That’s fascinating, Youdon_tsay. I like that so much in theory. Reading the details though…!
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I have just come back from my mother’s funeral (which was five days ago) and was thinking about her funeral and that of my father’s almost 20 years ago. In assembling information about my father and getting notes from folks, we learned a lot more about my father and what he had done. I wrote the obituary but the National Academy of Science did one as well and the process was quite informative. Some of his former students or mentees, now professors at places like Princeton and Harvard, came to the memorial service.
Similarly, I wrote the obituary for my mother and learned about a number of things she had done that had a significant impact on quite a number of people. She was almost 98, so many of her peers have predeceased her, but we got lots of input from people she worked with. People wrote us or came to the Shiva and gave us stories about how she influenced their lives.
I think it was great for the kids and grandkids to have a fuller appreciation of their parents’/grandparents’ accomplishments and influence. I would not want to forgo that. I hope I have influenced folks and events in my life and I hope my kids receive a fuller picture.
However, my mother is now buried next to my father in a cemetery and it is the first time I have been there in 19 years. I see no good reason to take up scarce space in the ground when my kids will never visit. So, I told my wife and kids, although it is against Jewish law, I want to be cremated and I’d like them to scatter my ashes in places that I loved and that they would be able to visit. Sausalito, Yosemite (I proposed to ShawWife on top of Half Dome), Lake MacArthur and Hang Lung Peak in the Canadian Rockies, Walden Pond and a couple of other spots in the Boston area. That way, every time they visit, they can remember me.
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I scattered my brother’s ashes in the National Park site he loved. I’ve visited many times and it’s very meaningful to me. A permit was required but the process to obtain one was easy.
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I feel the same way. My dad tied two years ago last month, and my mom and siblings visit his grave for his birthday, Father’s Day, Veterans Day. I live three+ hours away, and if I’m in town on those occasions I go as well, but I never have found a lot of comfort in visiting a gravesite. I’m glad it brings them comfort; that’s not nothing, you know? But it’s not for me. Dh and I have made it clear that we want to be cremated and what they do with the ashes are up to them. If it brought my kids comfort to keep us in an urn on the mantle or make jewelry out of our ashes or bury them in a box in the back yard, that’s fine, but it’s not necessary on our account. I used to joke that I would be happy if they used me to line first base at the fields where my kids played baseball. I spent a lot of time there!
I wrote my dad’s obit, and people loved it. Pretty short but hit the right tone and captured his personality.
So sorry for your loss, shawbridge. May her memory be a blessing.
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I went to a memorial service today for a friend who was 82. She was an only child and never married. She taught school for 39 years, lived in a retirement golf community, belonged to several book clubs, had a lot of friends from PEO and from the alum group of her sorority (which is how I knew her)
She just had one cousin and he, his wife, and daughter came for the service. One really nice thing they did was display a bunch of her trinkets and told everyone to take one or two things to remember Mary. It was so nice. She like birds so there were a lot of little boxes, glass candy dishes, vases, and little bird things (boxes, blown glass). I was a little jealous of the woman who got a cute Christmas tree blown glass decoration, and of one of the candy dishes. They gave us her sorority pin and paddle
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As long as I am dead when it happens, I don’t care at all about my funeral.
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This is such an interesting thread, that is giving me food for thought. My family and everyone we know has big funerals, with 2 nights of wakes, then the mass/burial/luncheon reception with eulogies, obituary, large collections of photos on display at the reception, etc etc. We just had one for my FIL and there were about 300 people at the luncheon (more at the church). I thought that was completely normal but now I realize there are many ways to do it! I myself am not a fan of cemeteries, find them a little creepy. I’d rather if my kids want a place to remember me, I’d rather they pay for a bench overlooking the water with a little memorial plaque on it, so people can sit there and enjoy nature. Spread my ashes in the water. But I do want fabulous eulogies talking about how perfect and wonderful I am! 
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The longer you live, the fewer people there are to attend the funeral. The two funerals I’ve been to lately were for older people (one 93, one 82) and those attending were also pretty elderly. The one this weekend had no young people at all. She lived in an ‘over 55’ community, belonged to groups (her book clubs, sorority, retired teachers) with others in her age group. I’d guess there were about 50 people there.
All had luncheons served at the church/meeting place.
The funerals I’ve been to for younger people (especially children) have had hundreds of people attending.
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My dad died at age 95 in 2/2020. We had over 500 people turn up at the funeral 3/2020, even though we reached out to the very vulnerable and asked them to stay away (Covid was starting). People who attended included two of the nurses who were treating dad before he died, people who had worked with him, friends of my folks, friends of each member of our family and a few relatives.
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Yes, had similar experience. Several of his caregivers came ( 
). They of course were crazy about him, but obviously we were all good to them, and they appreciated that. But I agree, at 87 it wasn’t entirely an audience of his peers (although there were some dear old friends who rallied to come), but people who had worked for him, his large extended family, and dear friends of the family. So for example, my husband is in his 50s, and all of his good friends came (as did mine, and I’m just the in-law), as did the friends of his siblings (and their spouses, and friends of the grandkids, too). Family friends from each generation, too. So it’s true that the older you get, the fewer of YOUR friends who will be there, but there will be other people affected by the death, and THEIR friends will come to support, especially if they had the chance to be touched by the deceased somehow. I will say that this was a great way for my husband to feel a giant community hug. Priest said there were 700 in the church, and we had 300 after the burial come to the luncheon. That’s a lot of love, so his family was very moved. So for those who don’t want much fuss, it’s just something to think about, how special and loved your family will feel when people come to rally by their side to celebrate your life. But I also COMPLETELY get and newly appreciate the low-key approach, I literally didn’t even know it was an option to not have a real funeral, this forum teaches me a lot!! Certainly this was all very expensive, but my husband woudn’t rather have the cash, he was happy to honor his dad, but I can see why some people really resent the funeral home profits (our funeral home made many errors that were very upsetting to us). I am going to have a more open mind going forward!!
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i’ve planned my funeral many times, but as Long as i’m dead when it happens i don’t really care how my funeral is or who Plans it.
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