<p>Since they are on the spectrum, show them in black and white the difference between colleges they can attend if they get good grades and colleges they can attend if they get bad grades. They will then have a baseline from which to work.</p>
<p>My son is the same – not interested in school, not motivated to do more than bare minimum. At one point in middle school, when I was disappointed with his grades, he said “Mom – C is average.”</p>
<p>I was stunned. How did he get the idea that being average is OK? I have tried a variety of ways to motivate him. I tell him he’s smart and he has good ideas and with a little more effort he would get better grades, and with better grades he’ll have more options.</p>
<p>I wonder how much of his attitude has to do with having so many women teachers. I think he would have been less of a slacker and perhaps more motivated with more male teachers. I just think at some point, boys have had so many stern librarians teach subjects in a dry rigid way, and it turns them off to learning. I don’t mean that all female teachers are like that. I just know he’s had more than his share of them.</p>
<p>Or maybe it’s him. Maybe he’s just lazy.</p>
<p>I really hope he’ll start to like learning at some point.</p>
<p>Well, my idea will not work for you. I started when D. was 5 y o and got her very first miniture homework that she completely neglected to finish while looking forward to her sport practice. I just mentioned to her that school is her priority now and we cannot go until her homework is done. I did not repeat any of that all thru graduation from college. However, I have raised a boy, so I am not sure if it is enough for a boy. As much as we want them to be the same, girls and boys are different. On the other hand, my boy is raising his own a girl and a boy and he kept telling them the same, but again very early, it seems to be working for both. Another point all of them have been very busy with lots of unrelated EC’s in sports, art, music, all without exception. I believe that there is some positive energy coming from various involvements that help to be very self-motivated students.</p>
<p>I don’t know why this is seen as a gender issue. My older D cared about school and did well. My younger D (currently in 9th grade) seems to be content to pull straight Ds. In her opinion, it’s not like she’s failing. As far as ability, I truly believe the younger has more, but without hard work, it is all wasted.</p>
<p>Everyone obviously has different experiences, but what I have seen is that American* boys generally (not all, but most) care less about the approval of adults. The boys want the approval of the other boys they know and respect, and at least the hetero boys care about the approval of young women that they are attracted to, but most of them really don’t seem to be as motivated to win the approval of authority figures or adults in general, though there may occasionally be exceptions such as a successful coach or a highly regarded teacher.</p>
<ul>
<li>Not intending to generalize to boys outside the US</li>
</ul>
<p>I really have to wonder if any of this can be generalized. IMO, it’s an individual thing.</p>
<p>“I don’t know why this is seen as a gender issue. My older D cared about school and did well. My younger D (currently in 9th grade) seems to be content to pull straight Ds”
-you have answered your own quesiton. You have experience with 2 daughters that happened to be different. I have experience with D. and S. who also happened to be different. All of us comment based on our personal experiences. BTW, you skip the portion where I have mentioned that my S. has both girl and a boy and hard working attitude communicated at early age seems to be working for both of them. So, take it as you want gender or whatever specific. Girls are more ready to please though, it must be built in hormone make up. There are exceptions, but overall girls are physically weaker / smaller / less muscles, they have to develop something else, so I can see why desire to please is a natural one in girls. I think that boy just need a bit more work to develop hard working attitude. Boys tend to be perfectionists in their own area of interest, they would not care much about the rest. My D. was complete opposite. If she did not like something and it was very hard for her to absord (History), she would devote much more time to it to make sure that she performs at the same level as in other classes that were easy for her.</p>
<p>it is the difference between an A and a C or C+…i wish it was only between A and A- :)</p>
<p>Thanks for all your replies. with the hurricane i have been off the grid for the most part. I have explained that he will be at the community college if he doesnt get his grades up. Of course I also told them that if thats ok, its ok with me. THey will have smaller classes, but its like 13th and 14th grades. Telling them that, the slacker said, oh, you always made it sound like a bad thing, going to community college. I told him, well i would like you to be able to experience the entire college experience…more later…too stressed out right now with post sandy life…</p>
<p>I went to parent-teacher conferences yesterday. I found the remarks of my HS senior’s math teacher refreshing - “I know he could make higher grades if he tried. But studying obviously isn’t his highest priority, and that’s OK! He’s a senior!” And no, he doesn’t have a B+, he has a C. I’m not thrilled, but I’ve learned it does NO good to hound him. I’ve told him that school is HIS job. He’ll have to live with the consequences if he does poorly.</p>
<p>Gave my S2 the “live with the consequences” speech when his SAT score was very low and he refused to retake. His exact words were “I’ll just go wherever that score will take me because I’m not taking that test again.” </p>
<p>By this point in S2’s life (spring of Jr. year), I was sick of hounding,prodding,pushing,pulling this kid through school. He was an avg. student (3.0ish weighted). Teachers didn’t like him because he did well when he tried but was a slacker a lot of the time.</p>
<p>So I said “Fine,it’s your decision”. He stayed true to his word…did not retake the SAT. </p>
<p>Six months later in fall of senior yr., he applied to two directional state u’s with the CC being his back-up plan. He was accepted to both directional state u’s and chose the one that was his clear favorite. His first semester was a debacle resulting in academic probation but he really liked the univ./begged to go back so we gave him another chance in the spring sem.
He turned it around that semester and went on to make good grades (at least 3.0) from then on and had the time of his life. He graduated in four years (May 2012) and now has a good job. I still have to pinch myself. His diploma arrived in the mail last month. I breathed a sigh of relief. Now it’s official. </p>
<p>Have them look at schools that fit their personality/abilities. Don’t worry about “brand name” schools. If they love the school, they’ll do what it takes to stay in. Football season alone prob. kept my S hitting the books!</p>
<p>Our S was a slacker but extremely bright (off the charts, literally). We knew pretty early that he wouldn’t work except when he was excited, so after we struggled with public for years, we finally gave up and applied him to uber-competitive private, where he did MUCH better because he found the work more interesting. In college, he again started out relatively comfortably by repeating nearly all the APs he earned in HS, but did graduate in 4 years with honors and is working at a great job. </p>
<p>D unfortunately is a procastinator and doesn’t allow herself enough time to do her best work. We hope she’ll be done this spring, after 5 years of college (but only 3 of HS). Somehow, kids do manage to work things out. D did have 3 semesters of CC, which she actually found pretty enjoyable, so we’re glad we’re doing our best to “love the kid on the couch.” We’d go crazy otherwise. ;)</p>
<p>All of these posts make me feel better about my S. Thank you.</p>
<p>My oldest s is the same. Lots of potential, not much to show for it. Now he is applying to schools that are not prestigious, but solid schools where he will get a good education surrounded by students more like him. We did a comparison on naviance and with almost every school he has applied to, his gpa is below the 50th percentile and his sat is well over it. </p>
<p>On the bright side, I think he would be in over his head if he attended a top school filled with overachievers. He can be the big fish in the little pond for a change. Plus, he may qualify for honors colleges and have more opportunities that will help with internships/jobs/grad schools. </p>
<p>I think part of the problem with bright kids is that they have poor study skills. They never had to work for their grades until they got into high school because everything came so easy to them. By the time they have to make an effort for A’s and B’s, they don’t know what to do. I’m definitely working hard to improve the study habits of my youngest, who is still in elementary school and also on the spectrum. </p>
<p>Because kids like ours put so much effort into what they love and so little into anything they deem useless, I’ve tried to help my s identify potential career paths that are aligned with his interests and strengths. Hoping that will be enough to get him through college successfully. When doing his college search, we looked closely at the majors and course requirements at each school. His top choices are the schools that require fewer core courses and more major/minor classes. </p>
<p>Good luck. It’s very frustrating as a parent to watch all that potential left untapped. Remind them how different college is from high school but they still have to get through it (the more effort, the better) to get to college.</p>
<p>My S is smart and has excellent study skills; he just chooses not to use them on a regular basis. He “could” be the shining star at his local U, but that would entail too much effort. He “could” intern or work in a lab, but that takes motivation to set up. I am not about to hound him or do things for him - he is a man, and he is responsible for his life. If he is happy being a slacker, that’s his call. The issue I have is how it will play out in the long run. While I don’t bug him about his school stuff, I do remind him that an undergrad degree doesn’t mean a whole lot - he needs to get some sort of experience that will mean something when he goes to apply for jobs. He is a hard worker on the job, but getting that professional job is not going to be easy. He works part time for an office cleaning company, and he says he doesn’t want to get stuck doing that kind of work … he needs to do something proactive or that is what may well happen. Frankly, I am hoping he hits the road & tries to make a go with his band after graduation. If he makes it, great - if not, he will have gained a lot of experience. Then he can see about a job that will pay his bills. Or he can travel. Or something … other than taking up space on the couch.</p>
<p>He will be fine. I just need to commiserate. ;)</p>
<p>A girl I went to middle school with decades back was extremely bright, with exceptionally bright parents as well. Unfortunately, she was also a perfectionist and very inflexible (which she remains), which makes her pretty stressful to spend much time around. I heard she also had a nervous breakdown.</p>
<p>I guess I prefer my kids as they are, not taking life TOO seriously and being able to adjust to what comes up instead of trying to control things that are beyond their control.</p>
<p>I’m with Queen’s Mom here. This is not a gender issue. My son, while sometimes exasperating in his focus on what I’ll call “non-value added work”, cares about his grades and is genuinely upset when he doesn’t do well, even if he could have applied more effort. My daughter, on the other hand, is now 27 years old and could never focus on school (she had a 1400 SAT when the top score was 1600, but a 2.1 GPA) and is still floundering while her friends (all brilliant and driven) are well on their way in their careers.</p>
<p>If there are differences that are gender-based, I believe this is because many people treat boys and girls differently (ever see that experiment with the infant defined as a girl for some and a boy for others? Look it up. You’ll be amazed at how differently people treated that baby based on their gender assumptions.)</p>
<p>Some kids just don’t believe that what they do today is going to have a dramatic impact on their choices later. It feels too abstract for them.</p>
<p>Wow, Leacoop. I could have written that post!</p>
<p>I think it’s important to get across your values, but also be careful about drawing lines in the sand. My situation is a bit different, as my youngest has some underlying depression/ADD to deal with, but he, too, simply won’t work unless (i) he is very interested in the subject or (ii) he really feels a connection to the teacher.</p>
<p>My youngest is bright, and one of those kids who could do very well if he studied and did the homework consistently in every class. He’s a bright kid if you go by his standardized test scores but not stratospheric (90-95 percentile). He is not one of those kids who I sometimes read about on here, the kids who don’t do the homework but ace the test and that’s why they have a C and not an A. He really needs to practice in the homework and study for a good amount of time to do well. But if (i) or (ii) don’t apply, then he won’t.</p>
<p>I have drawn lines in the sand with him, only to have him cross them and then up the ante on the consequences. So, he didn’t do homework, so I didn’t take him to soccer practice (he didn’t have his license), and his response was not to go to school the next day! </p>
<p>Life at home got to be a power struggle–constantly. It was hard and horrible. It wasn’t worth it for a higher GPA. He was simply not going to work and he was stubborn. His depression played into this. His immaturity also. His response to many things that I did was to find some self-destructive action that made me very worried (like not going to school), so I had to back off considerably.</p>
<p>It’s not like when he was younger I didn’t do what I did when he was a teenager–I did enforce consequences for not getting work done starting in elementary school. It’s just that once he got to be around 16, he realized that in reality, as a parent, you have very little control. You can withhold privileges, but what if they simply don’t care. I took away his phone, and that didn’t bother him. I didn’t allow him access to his gaming console or the TV. He didn’t care.</p>
<p>For a number of these kids, I think a problem is the incredible lag in our culture between physical maturity and social maturity. My kid needed to be an apprentice to someone early and by 17/18 needed to be on his own, working, etc. His teachers thought the same. It’s not that he doesn’t have a work ethic, or that he isn’t intellectually curious.</p>
<p>He is one of those kids who could have started in the mailroom at 17 and then worked his way into upper management. He doesn’t need to be sitting in a classroom.</p>
<p>“I think part of the problem with bright kids is that they have poor study skills. They never had to work for their grades until they got into high school because everything came so easy to them” - Yep. It can happen with either gender, but it seems more common with boy.</p>