what to do with very bright S but also very lazy

Parents Forum
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<p>I am so frustrated with my 9th grade S. He is very bright but he just doesn't like to study at all. He could easily be an A student but he choses instead to study a VERY limited amount of time and ends up with B's. He loves school and learning and all of his teacher's adore him but they too are confused on why he is not working up to his ability.</p>

<p>My question is, should I just accept him the way he is, or should I keep trying to talk to him and motivate him in some way. My thinking is that if he hasn't changed by now he never will.He does go to a top prep school so I know that A's are hard to come by, but I feel based on the effort he puts onto getting B's it wouldn't be too much of a stretch for him to get at least some A's. HELP!!!!</p>

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<p>lucky he ends up w B's....last year my D didn't "get it" until 4th q at our local prep and ended up w 2 C+'s....still doesn't really put in the amt of work to get A's, except for science...i feel your pain</p>

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<p>Definitely motivate him in some way. He will thank you one day...</p>

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<p>5boys maturity may handle it for you. By his Sophomore or Junior year he may see the value in working harder. Upward trends are good and it isn't as though he is getting Cs and Ds so you ar ahead of many parents of lovely "slacker sons"</p>

<p>However you should have a talk with him about his options narrowing if he continues on the current path. A 3.0 from a young man is still acceptable at many many wonderful schools but if he has his eye on a broader range then he needs to step up to the plate and produce more. Yes love the kid as he is but have a frank, non scolding conversation with him about keeping all his doors open by keeping his grades up.</p>

<p>Casual college visits can me motivating. My S is an 8th grader and is a member of the slacker sons club but he has spent time on a college campus doing football camp and believes he would like to attend there so I have shown him what it takes to gain admittance to that school by using the collegeboard's "how do I stack up" feature.</p>

<p>Above all don't get into a power struggle you can't win w/o alienating him. Bs are good, As are better and let him know that you love him regardless of his GPA. Your only concern should be that he keep his options as numerous as possible. </p>

<p>BTW you are in very good company. Many sons just seem to take longer to "get it".</p>

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<p>I'm not sure there is anything you can do to motivate him. Sorry to say, but we have been trying to motivate our S for years ( rewards and punishments) and nothing has ever worked. He has extremely high IQ score ( in the profoundly gifted/ genius range) and always tests in the 99% on school tests but still usually ends up with B's or an occasional C or A.
He just has no interest in grades. He learns what he wants to learn and does well on tests, but never studies or does homework at all. He is now a junior in high school and we are very worried if he will be able to handle college. I feel your pain, but unless he can find a reason that he wants to earn an A, I'm not sure anything you do will help. Good luck!!</p>

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<p>Now, this is coming from a fellow 9th grader:</p>

<p>I go to a public high school, so I feature all walks of life. It's a good school, but of course everyone is different. There some kids who care about their grades, and some do don't. I care about my grades 100%, and you can ask ANY of my teachers and they will tell you. I have to work hard for my grades, and had a 3.168 GPA which I feel I can do better. This just happen to be to a low math grade, but I usually get all A's and B's. I'm in all honor and AP classes. In AP, there are some kids who things come naturally to. They are the gifted students, lol. My younger brother is like that, things just come to him. He makes straight A's, too. </p>

<p>I have noticed these kids who got this gift from God, really are unique and different. Some are those typical nerds while others can careless. This kid who sits next to me in AP is so bright, but he doesn't realize it. He makes the same grades as I without trying. I do try, lol. I can tell you he is smarter than I am. It may be that he is just lazy, which I may see that is your sons problem. These kids don't care about their future, but come on they're just freshman. You may need to call that wonderful guidance counselor that his school provides, and tell him what will happen. I know he is a B student, and B's are great. But it isn't when you can do better. My mother has always told my brothers and myself to try our hardest. I always do even if my grade drops, I have done everything I could. Your son is very lucky, I don't go to a top prep school. I don't have some of those connections that he may. If it was me, I would take full advantage of this. You may just want to him to read my post, and see that I am also a freshman.</p>

<p>You need to have a sit down with him. And do tell him what will happen if he doesn't exceed. You may want to get him a job lets say, McDonald's. You know it won't last, so it won't effect him much. He will work their a day, and then of course quit. He will see what will happen if he doesn't do his best. This may be a huge wake up call. You don't want him to be one of those seniors who still don't know where to go to college. He is just a freshman, he has time. There isn't much you can do, but encourage him. I already have a life time plan. My plan is to go to a early college called Bard College at Simon's Rock, and later transfer to a top school like NYU, USC or Northwestern. I am one of those people who are always ready and loathe not having a plan for a day. That may be my fallback, lol. Your son is capable of succeeding in life, all you have to do is push him. I would be fine if my child got a C, as long as they tried. That's what matters in life. Good Luck, and God Bless!</p>

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<p>More of the same...S1 is also gifted...never did much work. Famously said, in 6th grade, "I know I know it. Why do I have to prove to the teacher that I know it?" Chose to take academic (lower than honors/much lower than AP) english and social studies classes his junior and senior years in HS. We punished; we grounded; we restricted his involvement in Theater (for which he was mocked by fellow thespians); we took away the computer; we used the car and earning a drivers license as incentive. We nagged incessantly. And the only one's who suffered were the parents. At least for our son, he is who he is. We could not force him to be motivated in the way we thought was acceptable.</p>

<p>S1 got into his first choice, dream school and is now a college sophomore. He loves his classes, his school, his friends. He earns As in an intensive engineering program and still doesn't care about the grades; as far as we can tell, his professors and classmates love him. He still is overly social and now puts his fraternity and student government involvement ahead of studies. I think we've learned to accept it. It is easier now that we don't see his grades or judge him on those external awards.</p>

<p>In some cases, there might be something that parents can do to force a kid to become traditionally motivated. We never figured it out. Good Luck with it.</p>

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<p>All I can suggest is to keep on trying. The alternative isn't appealing. Good luck.</p>

<p>I had a friend who messed up a Trinity College full ride. The next summer he worked at a company carrying pails of hot tar on sun-baked roofs. That was sufficient motivation to apply himself to his studies. What is your S doing this summer?</p>

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<p>I would take him on a tour of colleges and hope that he'll fall in love with one. That would do motivate him. I'm going to take my incoming 9th grader to see lots of colleges in the summer. I pray that she falls in love with at least one.</p>

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<p>Thanks so much everyone for your great advice!
early-college you sound like an amazing kid. I so admire kids like you who really put effort into what you do. You will always be rewarded in life because hard work trumps brains every time. I'm sure you will be VERY successful.</p>

<p>My son, although he doesn't always put effort into his schoolwork, in other parts of his life he is no slacker. He has already done 300+ hours of CS, is Senior Patrol Leader of his scout troop, works at a rock climbing gym and also is will be an assistant lifeguard, which next summer he will be paid to do. I'm just frustrated as to why he doesn't apply himself like that in school. I have had many talks with him about how colleges are not going to be too excited about a high SAT kid and low grades, it screams LAZY. I think the best advice is to take him to some colleges and hope he gets excited about them. I think if he has something tangible to be excited about he may work a little harder?? But I'm not getting my hopes up.</p>

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<p>Thank you, I hope I am successful too! Good Luck with your son, he may just need a college to look forward to. Though, I wouldn't let him be set on one school. He should be open to many school's, because you don't want him to go through high school thinking he will go to a certain school. This way he won't be crushed if he doesn't get in. Good Luck to you and your son!</p>

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<p>My senior son is/was the same. I nagged, punished, rewarded...pretty much the same results. He ended up with a 3.5. I did insist that he take the hardest curriculum, since he would get Bs in honors courses, or Bs in regular courses. The issue was not understanding the material. I encouraged lots of unusual extra curriculars and we did college tours early junior year to give him an idea of what he was working toward.</p>

<p>Fast forward to senior year. His test scores caught the attention of the ivy league, but we did not bother. He was accepted with scholarship offers from his safety schools, accepted without scholarship to a top tier OOS university, and still waiting to hear from a couple more. Since his self image is as a really intelligent person, the propsect of a college rejection stings, but he understands now-too late-that it was in his hands. Does he wish he had worked harder for better grades? Absolutely! If given the chance to do it over would he work harder? Doubtful. I expect he will underachieve from a material perspective thoughout his life, but it won't bother him much. I remind myself that he is an interesting, good, caring person, which is what really matters in the end.</p>

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<p>great post, ryeguy, but a 3.5 is not too shabby, imo......congrats and good luck w the rest of the process.....</p>

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<p>5boys: your son does sound alot like my son. For my son, ECs occupied all of his thought, time and motivation. He also was senior patrol leader, active in OA, church choir, community and hs theater, had a job, stuco, chamber singers, on-and-on. I think we should have appreciated that more. On another thread recently, someone mentioned that in their company they are looking to hire engineers who are active in their fraternity; well, that fits my son to a T! Those exceptional high school grades turned out not to matter. Maybe it will be the people skills that will set your son apart too.</p>

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<p>5boys, I feel your pain for... my parents. I was that kind of kid. Never study. Never take school too seriously. I was involved in activities and excel in some of them but I wanted to live life my own way, do my own things. Fast forward 30 years or so later I think I am doing fine with my life. The fire of youth had been long gone. The adult life has been somewhat boring at times and conventional. But I am married to a good woman, having two bright kids. (Thanks God they don't inherit their dad's gene). So, be calm. Your son will be doing fine. Tell him to find one or two things that he loves and do well and support him. I've been lurking these forums for a while, and the impression I have is all you parents are almost perfect since birth ;-) So here I am, a good parent with a pain in the you know what past life (from parents’ view) :-)</p>

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<p>5boys, my youngest S is similiar to yours. He slid through h.s. by the seat of pants making B's and C's with as little effort as possible. I know he could have done better but nothing we tried worked. He was a happy kid, varsity athlete with lots of friends and held the same part-time job for two and a half years. He was content to be academically average and by his senior yr., I decided it was all up to him. I was tired of nagging. </p>

<p>He applied to two branch state u's. (neither prestigious in any way), got in both and loves the one he chose. His first semester was an academic disaster. He tried using his h.s work habits and found it too late that wouldn't work. His second semester is going much better. He really wants to stay at his college. I guess he has finally found something worth working for.</p>

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<p>When my son was in high school, he had serious motivation problems. We even sent him to a very wise, experienced therapist, who explained to us that some boys are very late bloomers when it comes to a work ethic. He said it was not unusual at all for it to not appear until they are into their 20's. Well, our son is right on schedule. He is now, finally, at 23, the hardest working entrepeneur around. </p>

<p>The only thing that you can do is to keep reiterating your values, especially pertaining to work and dedication. Model the behavior you want him to learn. It will sink in, eventually. Patience is definitely a virtue here. It helps to think of it in terms of developmental readiness because it takes the pressure off of him (and you) a little bit.</p>

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<p>Columbia nailed it for us. I took son on a college tour when we went out east for a lacrosse camp the summer after 9th grade. We just walked around on our own that first year. But the summer before 11th we took all the tours, did the information sessions, etc. His grades shot up from about 3.5 sophomore year to 3.8 at the end of Jr. year (no weighted grades). This is considered awesome at his school. Then the first semester senior year he had straight A's in all AP and honors during the same semester that he was writing all his applications and being the varsity football captain. Go figure.</p>

<p>He's always taken honors and AP, so it's not the quality of his work load and he's always done his work etc to stay competitive. But I really believe having him visually see and feel his potential future instead of trying to imagine one we only told him about is kind of like reading a toddler a story with no pictures. :) Once he saw the picture first hand, he earned grades he was capable of and started dreaming big.</p>

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<p>I think "lazy" is a harsh word. It's the right word if the kid does NOT show any passion for anything. It sounds like your son is active in other activities. He just does not happen to show a lot of initiative for getting high grades. If this is the case, I wouldn't worry that much about him. He will do well later in life when he finds his passion.</p>

<p>My son is just like yours. Extraordinary bright. Very well adjusted, sociable, well liked, happy young man. Attends public magnet HS school with highly selective admission (HS is rated within top 5 among public HS in USA). Does not sweat on anything, and still gets A. Of course, if he studied even 20 minutes for each test, he would be getting A+ on everything. But he does not seem to think it's worth the effort. Gets perfect SATs without even finishing a single practice test. Not very hot on doing a lot of ECs that can build college resume - you know, the ones that can be easily validated, proven, and quantified, like awards, service hours etc. What ECs he does have is the kind of things that did out of sheer joy of doing it without consideration for college admission (mostly related to economics and finance) He even spent HS freshman and sophomore years mostly devoted to on line games. .</p>

<p>however, I wouldn't consider him lazy. He has always been a voracious reader, and a very sophisticated thinker. His idea of fun is going to Barnes and Nobles and reading books of wide ranging subject matters for hours. Then two years ago, he discovered macro economics and international finance. Since then, he breathes and lives thinking about economics policies and international financing, taking local college courses in economics, corresponding with college faculty members, etc. He found his passion. Since he was never "made" to study with reward/punishment driven by our agenda, he takes complete ownership on all the intellectual endeavors he finds on his own. Lately, it's been a real pleasure to see his intellect blossom in a way no artificial prodding from helicopter parents would have have accomplished. </p>

<p>Alas, yes, the fact that he did not build his EC resume for the purpose of college admission will hurt him. But he is managing his intellectual growth with a complete sense of confidence and ownership - all intrinsically driven. I think in the long run, this is going to be his most powerful asset. </p>

<p>By the way, I read his college essay. The theme is how he discovered his passion through various paths of intellectual meandering. His sense of joy of having discovered his passion and how he looks forward to cultivating it further in college was obvious. It does package him very differently from other competitive candidates with a single minded goal of producing a powerful resume for the eyes of the adcoms. I used to joke that if colleges are looking for a few token "organic free range chickens" in a sea of growth hormone fed super resume builders, he will get in on that quota! Maybe some adcoms saw it that way also - he got an EA from a prestigious university which is ranked at the top in his chosen field (economics). Now, he waits for the rest of the RD decisions....</p>

<p>So, moral of the story: as long as your son shows initiative to devote himself in something that he is passionate about, I wouldn't worry about the grades too much. You may actually limit the growth of extraordinary minds by putting too many artificial constraints. Let it wonder through all the nooks and crannies of the garden, and see what it finds on its own. In the end, its the marathon they are running, not 100 m sprint. In the long run, that sense of ownership in one's growth and the confidence and happiness that come with it is far more important than a diploma from a particular school. </p>

<p>Good luck.</p>

<p>(boy, I took a day off today, and I became a rather "garrulous" poster on CC......)</p>

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<p>Sometimes really smart kids who seem lazy have inattentive ADD. It's always good to rule this out earlier rather than later. 10 hours of testing with an edu. psychologist will tell you what you need to know. (And yes, sometimes they ARE just lazy or immature) I had a very bright, top IQ, "lazy" son (surprise, diagnosed at the end of soph year with ADD!) and was stumped on how to motivate him. Here is what I did: Before the ADD diagnosis during sophomore year, we went on what I liked to call "The Disincentive Tour of Schools." I flew my son to four schools I suspected he would dislike and insisted he investigate each one because "that is where his stats would get him accepted and where he would be a good fit academically." Then I went over a long list of the schools he could get into if his GPA remained the same, none of which rang his bell. He became more motivated to raise his GPA and the ADD meds/behavior modification helped him achieve a higher GPA. He never had one semester of straight A's in high school and I could never nag him into doing all of his homework or working up to what I thought his potential was. Bribery was also ineffective. All of the time he spent avoiding school work was spent on making himself an interesting person with no regard to college admissions. He ended up being admitted into 3 top 30 schools and had scholarship offers (some small, some large). The worst thing that will happen with a 3.5 is your kid goes to a top 100 school instead of a top 50 school. And it is more important to find the school that is right for the kid than it is to attend a school based on rankings/reputation. I know your frustration and feel your pain, but it will all work out in the end. My son is kind of glad I pushed him, but he would only be pushed so far and that is how it should be. Good luck.</p>